To date or not to date. After the worst break up ever.

[2tragic]

My boyfriend and I just broke up....it's been about 1 week.

 

We were very turbulent due to jealousy, insecurity, porn addiction & you name it. We were on and off from the very first week and this went on for 9 months. So finally we have called it quits for the last time. NC. I told him that he could burn my things rather than show up on my doorstep to bring them back.

 

But it is still very hard. I have been having a hard time not to think about him

 

I have been asked out on a few dates. And I decided to say yes, in hopes to make friends and keep my mind off of my ex and move on with my life.

 

But I am tragically not ready to move on yet. I don't know how to ever connect with a man again after everything we went through. I am so scared the same things will happen again.

 

So I've already gone out with this other guy twice. And both times, we had a good conversation and surprisingly stayed away from all of the usual "first-date" getting to know all about each other questions....we mainly talked about the environment, politics, told stories and talked about acquaintances.....

 

But he has been calling every day. We went out Friday, then he called on Saturday ( I was busy), Then he called on Sunday ( I was busy) Then he called on Monday and I went out with him, Then he called on Tuesday at 9:15 am! (I was sleeping and haven't called him back.)

 

I don't know what to tell him. He doesn't know about my recent break-up because I don't want to drag all of that negativity into our budding friendship. He is a totally amazing and interesting guy. What should I do?!?!?!?

[Lily04]

I'd tell him you need some space....you were with your bf for 9 months and it's only been a week after all!! But it's good to see you're back on the dating scene after a rough relationship, good for ya. Anyway, if I were the guy I'd appreciate your honesty, and he will figure it out in time in any case. i.e. if you start to appear withdrawn he'll wonder why and think it's because of him....when it's really because you may think things are going just a bit fast and you need some time to just be with yourself after your ex. So he may then wonder what that means....and you can decide. I may say "give me a week or two to just chill...we can still talk and stuff but I need space, i'd like to go a bit slower..." (i.e. don't call me to hang out everyday! lol.

 

just curious, how old are you & how old is this guy you're dating? I found I was in a bit of a similar boat with regard to the feelings and he was calling me everyday but i almost found it too much....

 

anyway good luck.

[whenamansloveisreal]

good for u. sounds like u talked about the right things really. and the fact u are attracted to him means you are more over the ex than u might think. alwayws nice to hear a great successful nc story. congrats

[axg275]

whenamansloveisreal,

 

I think you need time to get better, and not date anyone until then. Otherwise you will be on the rebound relationship harming not only yourslef but also the preson your with.

 

As far as the guy your dating right now, I would say he seems desparate, usually not a very good thing. I suggest to take it easy with him. Tell him that if your ment to be together he could wait until you get better and recover.

[cordelia]

I went through a really horrible break up with someone I was with for 3 years..there was cheating, lies, manipulation, drama...you name it! I thought I'd never get over it but I did and have been in several relationships since. You will get through this but you have to give yourself time to heal.

 

As for this new guy, he sounds clingy! Are you sure he's an amazing guy ?

I made the mistake of rebounding as well with someone who gave me all kinds of attention..but it was a mistake. I just wasn't ready and I had to deal with getting over my last break up, plus getting this new guy to back off!

 

You should tell this guy you are not ready and you need to take things SLOWLY...

[Juha]

So sorry all of this has happened to you...

 

Just take time for you to heal and take care of you...

 

Don't worry about him but dating now would be a mess and would probably

screw your mind up even more...

[2tragic]

Thanks to everyone for all of your responses.

 

We went out last night. It was our third date. I was a little bored and I found myself thinking of my ex a lot.

 

I am starting to wonder if the real reason why I am not enjoying myself is because we are not getting drunk and bonding thru that experience. With all of my other exes we seemed to really let loose in the beginning. Tons of laughter, telling each other how great we thought each other was, and even making fools out ourselves in front of each other. I know it sounds silly, but it really seemed to help us bond, getting drunk together.

 

But not surprisingly, we were drunk when things fell apart as well.

 

With this new guy, he doesn't drink as much because he is a professional athlete and is really serious about where his career is going.

 

Am I not having fun because I am with someone who has self control and boundaries set for himself? Am I only comfortable with screwball alcoholics?

 

Tonight is Ladies night and I'm thinking of going out with some girlfriends. SOme of their boyfriends will probably come along....I am such a after 3 drinks, but I love it. IT is so much fun. Should I invite him along to see if we have some chemistry when we're on MY terms?

 

Maybe something funny will happen and that will break the ice and then we will have something to talk about.