Know what I am getting for Christmas and am Mad!

[pillsburydogirl]

I saw what my husband bought me for chirstmas on accident today. I saw a purchase I didn't recognize on Paypal and clicked details and found out. I wasn't snooping.

 

SO my husband asked me what I wanted for xmas. I tell him about the 1 day ski trip I want, and a few other things. He deems those all as something I can just go buy when I want them. He says xmas gifts are supposed to be something a person won't buy for themselves.

 

I had been telling him I DO NOT want anything expensive because I am working on getting a business going and need all the money I can. I don't want to spend anything right now. Additionally, we talked about the thing he wanted to buy me yesterday. It's a lift kit for my jeep. I would like it but I don't want it now because I might want to sell the jeep to get money for the business (and yes I told him that several times) And, I told him the lift kit isn';t something I wanted for xmas. I wanted skiing, time to myself, other things. I told him that the gift was what he wanted me to have, not what I wanted. Because of that, buying it was really like buying himself something.

 

Then I see that he bought it this morning. I am so pissed. He always does things like that when it comes to gift giving. HE really wants something and just figures everyone else does too. BUt DAMNIT I told him I didn't. We talked about this yesterday! I don't want to ruin xmas but I AM FRIGGING PISSED OFF! Now I can't get what I actually want because I don't want to spend any more money! I am so pissed.

 

I'm not sure how to handle this. Do I discuss it with him now since I know and be pissed since I am pissed, or do I pretend I dont know, open it when it arrives at xmas and say "thannks" then? I don't want to have fighting going on at xmas. We have a 2 year old to think about and I want it to be a happy day for all. OK, so I can't be pissed on xmas. Or do I forward him this message.

 

By the way, he told me what he wanted on Sunday. Sunday night I ordered it. Because HE wanted it. I think it's useless and he'll never use it but HE wanted it so I got it.

[Beec]

I try to think about the meaing of a gift when I get feeling this way. It's a gift, and that means it is not to be expected. Asking for something for Christmas is not like putting in an order form. If you got to a store and order soemthing, and they get you the wrong thing, that's a problem.

 

Your husband needs lessons in gift giving, but you should not give them right now. Wait until after Christmas.

[Dako]

So be diplomatic and return the lift kit.

Tell him you need more practical things, like a bank balance.

That's a real lift.

[blender]

Well, I'm so sorry you're going through this, and I think it might be a deeper issue here than being disappointed by a gift. And you are so right about keeping the important perspective about wanting your two year old to have an enjoyable christmas and it would be a huge loss to ruin it and cause tension, (which a baby feels no matter how young) so perhaps you might want to try to "understand" why this is bothering you so deeply.. I really do see your point, I guess the question to ask yourself is, "Is this a deeper issue I would more respectfully discuss at a different time, when my emotions are not running so high.. and is it best right now to "try being in acceptance" that I already know this is HIS pattern of gift giving...and there is so much more a I appreciate about him and why sacrifice a happy christmas memory because my 'expectations" again were not met in a gift.

 

Again, I know you are so disappointed and probably feel a bit disrespected... but try to look deeper and make sure to be clear on your own intentions/emotions before you re-act and confront him.. because once you do that you can not put the toothpaste back in the tube, and sometimes those emotions when expressed at the wrong time do so much emotional damage...

 

Why do you think he does this? Is it because he "believes" you would really "need" this lift kit? Is it because he's not a nice guy and he wants to hurt you? Is it a "pattern" of his that you take personally, when it's just the way his life/family/pattern of gift giving has always been? Maybe answering some of these questions for yourself will help you gain the clarity before you let that toothpaste out of the tube...

[BellaDonna]

This isn't so much about Christmas presents as it is about feeling ignored and about problems with communication overall. I'm guessing that you probably have disagreements about financial matters outside of this situation. It's tough when a couple does not see eye to eye when it comes to budgeting and spending.

 

I agree that you should just wait until Christmas to receive this gift, and then just try to return it.

 

For the future, you may both want to agree on a price cap for gift giving. A $10 thoughtful gift can be better than something expensive.

 

With the risk of sounding cliche, it sounds like you both forgot what Christmas is really all about. Spending time together as a family during this season means so much more than any gift ever could. Try to emphasize that with your husband,

 

BellaDonna

[Day_Walker]

When you get it, just return it then you can have the money and do with it what you like.

[Iceman26]

So be diplomatic and return the lift kit.

Tell him you need more practical things, like a bank balance.

That's a real lift.

 

I agree, and I would also agree with Beec that you two should have a talk about gift giving after christmas.

[pillsburydogirl]

Wow, What a great board! I just did a search for advice forum this morning and this is what I happened upon. Thank you all so much for your fast replies! I posted this, took a shower (steaming water and steaming in my mind) and came back to all these replies. THANK YOU!

 

Beec- My husband and I have been together for 17 years so we do kinda do gifts like an order. OK ,what do you want, ok what do you? Regardless, I totally agree with your saying he needs lessons on gift giving but I should wait until after xmas. After thinking about it, all it would do is screw up xmas and screw it up again when he installs the thing the next weekend.

 

Dako- Yeah but I'm the type to say well, returning it would cost even MORE with the expensive shipping and all.

 

blender-You hit it right on. I do feel disrespected but more dissappointed that he didn't listen to me again. It isn't about getting a gift. I could care less if I get anything, really. Its that I got something I told him I did not want. You asked me "Why do you think he does this?" I think that is what I needed to be asked. After thinking about it, I know that although misguided, he does do this because he really thinks I will enjoy it and knows I'd never spend the money for it. I'm still mad because I told him I might be selling the damn jeep anyway and HATE wasting money especially when I am trying so hard to save it for the business. BUT, I am going to focus on WHY he got it. He got it because he thought I would really enjoy it. I'm going to stick to that and then follow beecs advice and address it sometime after xmas. Probably a while after. Whenever the right time comes.

 

Belladonna - Exactly! I could care less about what I get. Yes! We have some serious communication problems! That is our worst problem. I know, it isn't about the gift but it really does make me feel ignored when I tell him I DO NOT WANT IT and then he buys it. I feel so disregarded.

 

Thanks again all! I'm still mad but can see a better way to handle this than just confront him and have all that anger out there. Now I can go about my day without being mad and waiting to confont him about his evil gift

[pillsburydogirl]

I agree, and I would also agree with Beec that you two should have a talk about gift giving after christmas.

 

I will, but I will have to do it AGAIN before next christmas because he'll "forget"

[Beec]

I think between Christmas and the next weekend before he installs it, you can let him know. Nothing wrong with having the talk then. And remind him before next Christmas, repeatedly.

[pillsburydogirl]

I think between Christmas and the next weekend before he installs it, you can let him know. Nothing wrong with having the talk then. And remind him before next Christmas, repeatedly.

 

LOL ,yes, I will be doing repeated reminders (as every year Yeah, maybe I'll do it then. I'll just have to see how it goes. Thanks again!

[blender]

Well, it's nice that you are open minded and considerate of your husband's feeling, and at times it's so important to be "understanding" instead of spinning your wheels trying to be "understood". You already know the "pattern" of your husband's gift giving, and I'm sure you could ask any widow of 9/11 if she wished she would have been gracious in getting her last christmas gift from her husband of seventeen years, or if she proved she was "right" about why he shouldn't have bought it for her... do whatever will make you feel better for yourself IN THE LONG RUN.. not in the moment of disappointment or anger.

 

I'm sorry you "feel" so disappointed by his choice, and it does hit a personal cord of being "ignored" but you know that is really not the case.. he's just stuck in his pattern of "I know what's best for her" and you are stuck in your pattern of 'ugh, he's doing it again".. There's actually so much humor in "patterns" between couples, it's all in how much 'power' you choose to give your emotional reaction, and then to choose some perspective.. he's a good guy, he's just stuck in his pattern, and I'm sure he's actually thinking he's doing the "right thing"... so you can make a choice to 'break your own pattern" and just embrace his gift giving, even if it "represents" some feeling in yourself that may 'seem" like he's ignoring you, because he's not, he's just doing what he does..right?

 

Acceptance is key here, for you both, so try a different approach, when you get the gift, hug him, kiss him, thank him and use the lift in good spirits.. who knows you may be very grateful you have it at some point, and if you do sell the jeep, it's just an added selling feature, and "up's the price" on it anyway...

 

The money, the business, the jeep, none of it is more precious then your history with your husband, and your future with your child...

[pillsburydogirl]

DAMN, you're GOOD! Maybe I will just accept the gift and wait until next xmas to try and get him to STOP getting me things I tell him I don't want. And it isn't about the gift anyway. It's the communication problem, its being ignored and disregarded. Its the "I know whats best for her" that drives me nuts! And you know, he does this with EVERYONE so it really isn't just me hes ignoring is it? Hmmm, never thought about that before. I do spend lots of time trying to get him to listen to me, pay attention to me! Trying to be understood rather than understanding (but I do do that) I can't just accept all his ignoring/bad communication, something does need to change BUT I can choose to look at the gift giving differently. This really helps to clarify why I am mad. Oh, and we've only been married 3 years but together 17. I know it doesn't matter but just to clarify. Thanks again!

[pillsburydogirl]

Just talked to my husband and he mentioned the great deal he found... on the lift kit! He brought it up. It wasn't even a xmas present! I was so wrong! He still shouldn't have bought it but he did have a point. He says it's a 30 min job to put this kit in. He can just take it off and put it on the next jeep we buy (even if I do sell this in a month or two) and we would buy another jeep because I love them. I'm so glad I came on this board and got everyones advice instead of jumping down his throat when he called. What a better way to have my day go LOL!

[ImThatGirl]

I was just catching up on this thread.

 

I was going to say that maybe he's going to get your ski trip as well...