Advice needed about (mother)

[Chele]

The truth is that this person that gave birth to me has caused more harm than good and she is a horrible person to me.

I really just want to totally wipe her from my life but then feel sorry for her.

So I let her email, or write. She will be nice and then play these weird games where she does not treat me with respect.

I can't stand the way she treats me.

She treats my brother and sister like they are demi gods and me with total disrespect.

Should I confront her about this or just wipe her from my life because she has always been this way.

Simply put I won't be around disrespectful, abusive people, whether a stranger or relative.

I have lost all feeling for her I don't love her or care for her at all. She has hurt me too much, too many times.

[arwen]

Hey chele,

 

I am sorry that you are so hurt by your mom that you consider 'wiping her from your life'. What happened that you feel THIS bad? Have you ever addressed this to her? How is your relationship with your siblings and your father?

 

Ilse

[Chele]

The father has been out of the picture since childhood. My sister and I live a fair distance apart but make some reasonable correspondance.

My mother treats me as though I intentionally go out of my way to be bad, cruel and wicked.

There are many examples I could give where I innocently overlooked something because I was recently in a car accident and sometimes get a bit shaky so I may overlook to do something but she treats me like I must be 'mentally ill' or wicked.

This type of toxic influence in your life when you are 100% well is crap let alone when you have been vulnerable and need some basic decency.

All these psychologically traumatic games started when I was around 7yo and she was being bashed by the old man and blamed me for not saving her.

I know that same emotional rubbish goes on because if I use up the last teabag she treats me like a criminal.

 

When you get treated like crap for so long it comes down to self preservation. No matter what I do or don't do though she makes me out to be the bad guy.

The best I can do is not think of her.

Last christmas I fled from her house because of her utterly pigish ways.

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

Are you mum emotionally stable?

 

Do she act like the 'mum' character in the "Everybody loves Raymond"?

[Chele]

The mum out of everyone loves raymond would be like an angel compared to mine. At least she means well. Although I have noticed some similarities: always wanting to be seen as the best at everything and the no. 1.

Some put downs are annoying and a pain with the tv character but it is different when it is criticising more than just a personality flaw or that you may be a crap cook but that you are condeming the entire person, body soul and spirit, especially when the person being condemned is not 100% well at the time.

Maybe my mother is not emotionally stable. I don't know. I have my suspicions

but it is not fair to treat me awful all the time, it is no excuse. I thought backing off from communication and just having the occasional email would be okay, but even then she is a pain.

[Juliana]

Some families organize around the principle that one person will be made to be the scapegoat, and one or more family members take out their frustrations on that person, but the whole family colludes in it -- including the scapegoat. I've never been in such a family, but I visited with one once, and it was really horrible. I couldn't believe it. When I stood up for the scapegoat, I too, was scapegoated by the other family members -- and I was a guest.

 

So, as with any toxic situation, first realize that when you are abused, that is not something you have brought on yourself, that is a decision the other person has made. Then, decide what you want out of the relationship. In this case, do you want any contact? None? Do you only want contact on your side? In that case, you write and send cards, etc., but do not read her correspondence to you. Some people are comfortable with that. Others prefer full-on confrontation and have a family intervention, where the whole family is brought in and the situation is discussed until there is some resolution, but that is very dangerous to the scapegoat because without support they are usually attacked.

 

You are in control of your life. If your feelings for your mother are still important to you, try to maintain some kind of contact that you can be happy with.

[Chele]

Hi Juliana,

thankyou for your feedback because it feels very true to what life has been like for me.

I used to put up with it and even became brainwashed to think I deserved it or was mentally ill but this is all lies and I absolutely cannot put up with it. (Thankyou for saying I don't deserve it).

This is enhanced by the fact that I need to look after myself since recovering from a motor car accident with no support.

She always talks down to me as though I don't appreciate what she has done. In truth she has done very little good and I would not like to confront her without some support which I don't feel at this time.

 

I think the best contact is absolutely none.

 

For those of you who have decent parents be very grateful and those of you who have children be extra kind.

[Chele]

I just received an email from (her). I should cut and paste it to prove how awful she is.

I have been extremely upset after reading it. She is an utter pig.

All she does is try to blame me for everything. I was in a very serious hailstorm the other day and am covered in black bruises but she never asks how I am just makes comments as though I am bad for not considering her.

I have such huge things to face in the New Year and need to be strong I don't need this horrible witch trying to bring me down any more.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[arwen]

Hey Chele,

 

I am sorry to read all of this, the relationship with your mother seems really bad. What did she write to you? Do you live by yourself? I think Juliana is right, you should consider the option of lowering the contact with your mom to a level that is comfortable for you.

 

I think few things are more painful than being rejected and hurt by your own mother. We all have some painful moments with our parents, but usually they are not intended that way. This seems different, it seems that your mother is blaming you for the things that went bad in her own life, and that's just unfair.

 

Ilse

[Chele]

I lowered it as much as I could to just emailing but she is now sending gifts and then sending emails later which are rude and disrespectful.

I am fighting so hard to try and get my health half decent and she makes me out to be so bad.

I will write here tomorrow when I feel a bit better. I am too upset tonight.

[arwen]

I'd tell her that you are healing from the accident and that you either need support or nothing at all. Tell her her comments hurt you and that they are not constructive for you. If she feels she needs to criticize you, she should find other words to do so. Maybe it's time to tell her how you feel about the relationship. I think it's good you lowered the contact to emails, but that doesn't take the pain away. Did you ever consider counselling for this?

 

Ilse

[Chele]

I am trying to get some counselling.

I value your advice ilse and juliana.

nothing is worth putting up with how she treats me so I will

tell her not to contact me and explain why.

[whenamansloveisreal]

wow..have things esclated recently

 

i know a woman that felt like this but they had distance

 

this summer i had to confront part of my past that had messed me up and i did so and it made all the difference

 

see my dad had always made me feel like i was a burden

 

so, i took back the power

 

i said face to face to him one day while he devalued me

 

u are not welcome in my life until u give me the respect i deserve and

i told him how mean he had been

 

and there was a transfer

 

i know longer held that stuff in

 

i took back what he stole years ago

 

i hope that helps u

[arwen]

Maybe telling her WHY you want to have no or less contact will open her eyes. It will help to try not to blame her directly (although it seems that that wouldn't even be inappropriate, it's just less effective). Tell her how what she says hurts YOU (leaving the possibility open that she could not intend to hurt you). I understand it's hard to believe that she doesn't see how this hurts you. But I think there is a possibility she may not be aware of how you feel.

 

Keep us posted, ok?

 

Take care,

 

Ilse

[Chele]

Thankyou all for your feedback. It has helped me to see the situation more clearly so I can take better steps. I had a quiet day today and am feeling

much better than yesterday.

I will write a draft and think carefully what to say.

I realise I have the right to make these boundaries but am just concerned for

how my brother and sister will react because she has often influenced their perceptions of me and I don't want them to hate me.

 

I'll wait till after christmas, write and tell her why. Unless she contacts me

again ang then i will say something immiediately because I will never have this again ever.

I'll let you know how it goes.

 

Again, I really appreciate your feedback, ilse, Juliana and whenamansloveisreal.

You have a lot of kindness and wisdom