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hey all,,

im stuck i could really use some advice...

ok here goes....


i split up with my ex 5 months ago , we have been doin long distance for over three years ,, she is the love of my life last year she cheated on me with her ex bf and confronted me and after so much guilt i forgave her and we got back... only for a fe months until then again she leaves claiming she wants to be alone... she has contacted me 4 times in the past four months all of which saying she loves me so much and misses everythin in us but is not ready to be in a relationship(no idea why!!) in 5 days we are going to be in the same country and im assuming she wil try to see me but she keeps playing these games i have done evrythin for this person and i want her in my life for good !!! she has flipped moods recently acting like im a stranger and i have no idea how to get her back!!! and i am scared to see her... not knowing the outcome.... she keeps flipping one day love and one day no !!


its just too complicated we were toooo much in love and families are involved she has even told everyone that she would want to get married but i feel its all talk she says it but at the moment she wants to be alone... i feel im losing her more and more(plaaazz for anyone out there the more advice i get the better i would like to reach many opinions before i conclude my decision...) i havent done anything in 5 months only thinkin about her.....

it would mean alot to me

thank you in advance !!!


she called me saying she is comin over to see me !!



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Hi There,


This situation raises alot of red flags for me, Suram.


She has given you a pretty clear message that she does not want to be in a relationship with you, and you have given a pretty clear indication that you do want a relationship with her.


So.... where does that leave you? Not getting what you want from her, and settling for less than you deserve.


In my experience, spending time with someone whom you clearly love and want to be with, who clearly does not want to be with you, only makes the hurt more intense, and drags out your recovery time that much longer. She does not want to be in a relationship with you- so what is the point of pouring salt in your wounds by seeing her?

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people can behave this way for several reasons.


the most obvious one is that she is using you as a security blanket, someone familiar to her that she can call whenever she is feeling lonely and needs a pick me up... but then she sees someone/something else that interests her, and she drops you again and off she goes, not really thinking of you until the next time she gets lonely.


she also could be dating someone else she hasn't told you about, but is keeping you in the background in case that doesn't work out, then she has someone to run back to. some people can't stand to be alone for even a minute, and keep several people on tap just in case. they have a steady boyfriend, but keep another man (usually an ex) in the background just in case they break up with their current boyfriend and don't want to be lonely.


she also could be very immature or unstable mentally, where she really doesn't know what she wants from one minute to the next, so changes her mind based on her mood.


is her family pressuring her to marry, or for her to marry you? maybe she really does like being single and doesn't want to marry, but doesn't want to have her family bother her about it, so she lets them think she may marry you to buy herself more time to be single? in which case, she is just using you as a way to get her parents off her back about getting married while she runs around having fun being single..


it could also be that she does love you and miss you, but just isn't sure she wants to marry you, so is trying out her freedom and enjoying being single with the possibility of dating other people.


so if you look at all these scenarios and possibilities, the only one that really points to her possibly wanting to be with you in the future is the last one, that she loves you but is not sure she wants to marry you til she is single a while longer to test the waters.


if it is any of the other reasons, then you could have a LONG wait, and probably wait forever, and you will never reconcile because she is off running around being single and could well meet someone else and end up with them.


so my suggestion is to tell her exactly how you feel, that you love her and want to be with her, but you don't want to be her security blanket, or her 'backup' guy, or her smokescreen to try to pacify her parents. i would tell her that you need to move forward with the relationship with her, or else you need to move on and find someone who really does want to be with you. then move on with your life, and if she calls you in the future and starts with the same 'i love but....' stuff, tell her that you've had the conversation before, and if she wants to reconcile with you, then say so, otherwise you are both better off finding someone who does love you enough to spend time together...


i think she needs to understand that she needs to make up her mind and doesn't have a perpetual open door to run around being single and run to you whenever she is lonely, or when she is 'done' being single... that's really immature of her, and not fair to you.


and you need to be fair to yourself by finding someone who does want to be with you, all the time.

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