HELP!! would like some answer here!!

[andreap]

Hi,

In May of 2005 I left my fiance' of over 7 years. We had lived together for almost 6 out of those 7 years, worked together (separate offices), and had a great time together. When I met him I was 25 and he was 30. I had already been in one live-in relationship and also been on my own for quite some time....he was still living at home w/ his mom...he is Italian and in that culture that is not very uncommon (think "Everyone loves Raymond"). Anyways, we had a very passionate love affair. We were best friends. We did everything together. After a few years we did occasionally fight...but I guess everyone fights? Almost all of our fights were a result of him being dishonest with me about something.....and usually he was lying about the dumbest stuff...not even anything I would have been upset about...it was as if he was lying just to be secretive or something....I don't know. Anyways, the last year of our relationship was different...it got really bad. I caught him lying about bigger stuff....like he was chatting online on porn sites. He was also talking to another girl from the gym on a cell phone # that I didn't even know he had. The lies got so bad that I coudln't handle it anymore. He swore that he and the other girl were just friends...and so did she after I confronted her....but it continued despite my being hurt by this "emotional affair". Yes, we went to counselors....a couple actually...very little help there other than draining our wallets. Anyways, I finally moved out after the fighting and the lies became too much for me to handle. I literally called up a moving company one night and told them to be there the next day to pack the whole house and move.....and so they did. He was stunned. He tried to rectify the situation simply by putting his female friend on the phone to tell me that they are just friends and that there is nothing to worry about....I was furious.....and gone. A week or two after I left he insisted that we try counseling again....I agreed, but was still untrusting of him. Shortly afterwards I hired a P.I. to see what the deal was w/ him and the girl from the gym. Seems that they really were just friends....he followed them for a while and only one time did they meet at a restaurant...he was already inside eating and she came in to talk to him. When they left they talked in the parking lot for a while....standing a few feet apart...never touching. When they said goodbye he gave her a peck on the cheek (She is latin...so?)....at least that is how it looked on the tape...and they went there separate ways...no hotel room or romp in the car...that was it. At this point I believe that she really wanted to break us up and had her own agenda....although nothing ever seems to have come of it. She has left him messages pleaing for him and saying she loves him etc...maybe they hooked up after I left him or months later....but nothing substantial ever came of it. NOW, over a YEAR later, the ex is still in my life. We have been back and forth since the breakup. He always comes to me. I'll ignore him....he'll keep contacting me....then no commitment. We did "hook up" a few times this year back in Feb/March...then it blew up again because I would freak out when I saw him out w/ another woman. Here is the deal: He has been VERY casually dating this older girl that lives in his neighborhood since the beginning of the year. I don't really know the "status" of their involvement. He never stays over at her place and she has never stayed over at his (I still talk to my neighbors...obviously)....and HE has told me this himself. We have been talking now again for the past 2 months. HE contacted ME....again. He tells me that his involvement w/ the other girl is more like companionship....he is absolutely NOT in love w/ her...doesn't even talk to her every day....just goes out for a bite to eat once in a while w/ her etc...whatever. I have had my run-in w/ her before. I caused a huge scense since he and I had just had lunch (this is back in June/July of this year by the way) and were reconnecting ....then I saw him out w/ her....and I flipped out. It ended up by her walking about a mile or so home in her dress and heels and my crying in his driveway....rediculous I know. Then I avoided him for quite some time again....but he keeps coming back into my life...and I let him. For quite some time now (months) I have told him not to contact me unless he wants to put this back together the right way....but he keeps coming...keeps calling etc...

Now that we have been talking CONSISTENTLY for the past 2 months .... and we have met a few times for lunch...and just met on Sunday for breakfast and a ride along the beach....things have crossed the line a little, fliratiously, but we were NOT intimate yet. We have been talking every day and most nights. But he still cannot commit. I ask him what he wants and he hesitates and says he is scared that things will not work. He refuses to contact the other girl and tell her adios as well....but knowing him, it is more his style just to blow her off slowly than to have a confrontation. The other night I told him I was tired of this "dance" and want to go on w/ my life since he cannot seem to figure out what he wants....then he flipped out and said "but I was thinking all weekend about us reconciling and maybe even living together again one day"....so a few days later...I went to his office and said "o.k., if that is what you were thinking about....let's spend the weekend together".....he backed away and said no. He even said "I didn't say living together again"!! what? He also acted like he was afraid that I was trying to get him in trouble w/ someone else....like that girl that he says he is NOT in a relationship with? huh? What is going on here? I have not been the initiator of any contact for many many months. HE ALWAYS COMES TO ME FIRST. He seems to be casually dating but states he still has feelings for me and definetly is not in love w/ her or anyone else. Keeps telling me over and over again that he is "single"...and can do whatever he wants. He comes towards me....then if I come a little towards him....he runs away. If I ignore him completely....he chases after me....literally. How do I get this vicous cycle to end one way or another? I either want to reconcile.....or stop this nonsense b/c it is getting absolutely nowhere....or if it is leading somewhere it sure is taking a hell of a long time? please help!!!! As it stands right now, I asked him to tell me what HE wanted from me the last time we actually spoke on the phone which was this morning....he wouldn't answer...keeps saying he has so many problems and is sooo stressed out w/ work....I asked him if we should try doing breakfast again this Sunday....sounds like he might want to. I told him to just call me back if he would like to do that and if not then I don't really need to hear from him again since we just keep going in circles. This is rediculous....it never ends. What does he want from me or how do I get this to come to some sort of conclusion? PLEASE HELP!!!

[supernetter]

Looks like we have some serious commitment issues from him. He needs you to be around but gives excuses for a non committal relationship. If marriage is your goal then you should be firm on this. Tell him that 7 years of relationship should conclude to matrimony.

 

I would think that for now he thinks of the other woman as a friend and should not pose as a threat to what both of you have. This could change in the future. Without giving any commitments, he does not feel any guilt for this change in status, if it ever happens.

 

He obviously is afraid of losing you or rather the notion of not having you anymore. thereforeeee he chases after you when you ignore him.

 

I suggest you have a final serious talk with him. Tell it as it is and stand firm to your decisions. You have a life to live and even a family to start.

 

Kindest regards.

[andreap]

Thank you so much for your reply. So I notice the PhD at your signoff....and I will go to the website after my reply as well. Are you suggesting that it is safe to say that he IS in fact interested in the possibility of reconciliation? I talked to him today...he always gets upset when I press him for a decision. He is easily stressed out and has a lot of work related "drama" right now..I have been VERY patient...I mean, come on, these "talks" have been going on for over a YEAR now. As far as the other girl....if she is just a "friend"...then why can't he commit to not seeing her anymore if we are to give it a try? He says its just that he gets along w/ her "it's easy" and there are no intense feelings...that he hasn't talked to her in days and hasn't seen her in person in over a week....that they just go out from time to time on "dates"....but is THAT what is holding him back from moving forward w/ me or is it just his fear of it not working out again like he keeps telling me? He has known this other woman for a year now....I would think that if it was something REAL...that he would be no longer contacting me ever again and focusing on that only...am I right? And after a year one should know what their feelings are for another also right? They never stay over night w/ each other or anything like that and he calls me almost every day and for a while every single night for an hour....so ??? But I also have to be realistic and tell myself what are the odds of that "friendship" being platonic? He and I have not been intimate since March of this year...is he a monk now or something? He keeps telling me that "maybe I just don't want anything more complicated than that right now in my life"...but yet cannot tell me it's over forever and that's that....this is driving me crazy!! it's been going on TOOOOO long!! How do I get this to come to a conclusion ONE WAY OR ANOTHER? I have tried to TALK to him in a serious manner...I am not dealing w/ an easy person...he is very complex...and talks in circles. What would you advise at this point? My last conversation w/ him a little while ago was that I had some things to do this weekend and perhaps we should just do breakfast again this Sunday like we did last....I sent him an email telling him that he only needs to call me back if he would like to do that otherwise there is no reason for us to keep talking in circles....was that a smart and resonable move? that's where it's at right now.

[crow]

Another thing to keep in mind, is that you left him. You packed up and moved out. He may be scared of being hurt like that again. Emotional pain can cause deep, deep pain. Even if your leaving was his fault, he may still feel pain and may be weary of getting hurt again.

 

Just something to keep in mind. He may very well want to be with you, it may take time and effort from both of you to trust again.

[andreap]

I have thought of that often. He has mentioned to me on MANY occasions over the past several months that "you left me" , "you packed up everything and walked out on me"...but I don't think it is fair to focus on that....I left after MONTHS of pleaing w/ him ....trying to make things better...I DID my part...and he kept hurting me... I basically left b/c I had no other choice. But how does that have to do w/ this constant "push and pull" pattern we are caught in? Why does he keep contacting me and even wants to see me from time to time...then backs off? HOW do I break through this cycle ONE WAY OR ANOTHER? it has to come to some kind of conclusion?? IS the other girl the problem or am I totally focusing on the wrong thing? please advise. thanks

[crow]

It is hard to tell for sure why he is doing what he is doing, simply because everyone is differant and I don't know him. But one thing I have learned, is that everyone has feelings. Even if they are completely to blame for something that happened, they can still be hurt and scared.

 

Please keep in mind, whern it comes to relationships, it is two separate people, and it's not about being fair or being right.

 

That being said, you are right..."it has to come to some kind of conclusion??"

 

You both need to talk. You both need to forgive each other and agree to move forward. Even though you may be right and you have given everything you could, he may see you as someone who may hurt him again. (That is actually a good thing because if he didn't care, you could not hurt him emotionally.)

 

I am not saying you are wrong, in fact if you put all your effort into, you are very right. But again, this isn't about being right...it's about getting to a place where both of you can be happy again and move forward.

 

I was in a similier situation, but I was in his shoes. I took my fieance for granted, she pleaded with me and tried her best to make it work. Now, after she left, I hurt like I have never hurt before. I messed up and if she were to want to work things out like you do, I would do things right. BUt I would also be scared to death that she would leave me again...i don't know if I could go through that kind of pain a second time.

 

I have started to ramble, but I hope it helps.

[andreap]

any other takers out there?