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first time breaker upper

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ok, so my original problem was posted over here:



but for those who don't want to read all that, my basic problem NOW is this: i'm pretty sure (although not completely positive) that i'm gonna break up with my girlfriend. we're 17 and been in a relatinoship for 7 long months. we love eachother so very very much. the thing is, we're also best friends. chances are she'll hate me when i break up with her and we won't talk again though


i guess im trying to ask, how i should go about this.

i've never broken up with someone before, so i really need advice on how and when i should break the news. i've been brooding lately in her company so maybe she's noticed but it's still not that obvious.

you can get more info about our relationship from that link up there^, but we've been through so many arguments and hellfights and situations that i feel that to break up now, after we've resolved so much and our relationship is pretty much going about as normal as it ever has (which still isn't great would sound crazy to her. she may take it really badly. We may not have a friendship afterwards.

so should i wait until we get into another big argument (which, knowing us, happens all the time) or should i just break it asap? And what should happen afterwards? should i just go cold turkey? avoid her? as mentioned, i've never done this before, this is a general question - how does it go.

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First, I want you to really make sure you are willing to lose a best friend subsequent to breaking up with her. Examine the reasons for you breaking up well, as there is no going back in the vast majority of cases. If it is just arguments, are they genuinely detrimental to the relationship or are they the everyday disagreements two people that are committed naturally go through? In general, make sure you would naturally benefit from being out of the relationship and have a good support structure set up so that you can have someone to express though thoughts/concerns, etc.


Second, if you feel that the relationship is truly over, take a step back and reflect on all of the good memories about the relationship and the great qualities about her. While she may think you are just being "nice," which in actuality you probably are, just focus your energies into being as positive and in sync with what she will likely go through. While in essense you are being selfish for breaking up, breaking up with someone well is something that should be an unselfish act. Part of your responsibilities as a good, respectful person is acknowledge that you will likely genuinely hurt another human being whom you care a great deal for. So, embrace your relationship, because as a dumper, you STILL ARE A PART OF THE RELATIONSHIP! All too often people who break up with someone have the conception that they are already out of the relationship, thereforeee they are justified in ending it in any way they feel is most beneficial to them. DO NOT FALL INTO THIS TRAP!!


Now, once you have all this figured out, then comes the most difficult part. You are going to hurt someone you greatly care about. However, you owe it to that person to make it as painless a transition as possible. First, make sure that you do it in person. This shows your concern, honesty, and confidence in the relationship. Do not cheapen it by phone calls, emails, letters, etc. Second, allow HER to digest the information at HER speed. This may take time during the course of your conversation, but you owe HER that as she has invested herself into you for 7 months of her life. Allow her questions and give her thoughtful, yet precise answers as to what is going through your mind. While she may not understand, it is your job to make it clear to her that this is your mindset and it cannot be changed, but at least you can make an effort for her to get where you are coming from. Do not just make a five minute admission of your intentions, get up and then leave. That is harsh and cruel, as that just shows a cowardly motivation. She may cry and express certain mean or sad things as an attempt to change your mind. This is the trick... do not make her feel guilty or attempt to change how she feels. Respect her feelings and make it clear that you can do whatever she wants from the moment you tell her. If she wants to be alone, LEAVE! If she wants to inquire, be there for her because once that day passes, it will be your job to let her go and move on for both her sake and yours. You dropped a ton of rocks on her head and she will be bruised for quite sometime. Don't think you can change that by keep being in her life after you break up, as that only lessens any kind of legitimacy.


Now, one last point, you say that you love her "so very very much." While what I am going to say is seemingly belittling, it probably is. To be honest, I think it is for the most part that you are lying to yourself in saying that you genuinely love this girl. All too often people who dump someone else say that because of the emotions involved, but two people who are genuinely in love and dedicated to one another do not break up. Plain and simple. Let me explain. When you break up with someone, you deemed that her being in your life is no longer wanted. You have entered into a very selfish stage where the only measure of happiness is dictated by how happy you are within the relationship versus outside of one. Essentially, the only focus you have is on yourself. Love, as a deep, rich experience is one that is not at all based on selfishness. It is based on a strong appreciation of who the other person is in her entirety. Besides, quite simply, you are breaking up specifically because you no longer "love" her?! In my mind, while it may seem like love, it most likely is that the infatuation stage of your relationship has disappeared and you felt that your feelings for her have changed, as a result. That is a normal part of life and I don't want to belittle that. However, don't dilute your lack of emotions as still encompassing some level of true love, because its not. By saying you love her, it only says to me that you are only confusing not wanting to hurt her and caring for her as "love." That is a mirage. It just means you are a good person, which I'm sure you are or else you wouldn't ask such a poignant question to begin with. You are both young with so many more experiences coming in your life and genuine love is one of them. People like to use love as a scapegoat sometimes to make it seem like you still have feelings with her, but in reality if you still had feelings for her, again you wouldn't break up with her. While it may not seem that way from your perspective, as emotions are still running high, it is what the basis of breaking up is founded on, period.


So, now that I have sufficiently probably belittled and degraded your feelings, know that breaking up with someone in itself does not make you a bad person. It is part of life and you must grow into yourself to know what things you want in your life and what you don't. That is your duty as an individual to figure out who you are. The method, however, that you use to break up does determine the type of person you are. Do not believe you are good or bad to break up with her, because breaking up is a process that is not value laiden. It is a straight forward expression of what you want versus what you don't want. It is not a value judgement as much as an individual need judgement.


I hope this has highlighted some of the things you should know before you break up with someone. Take care!

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- Find a time where there isn't a lot of drama. Then things might be calmer and go better than if you're screaming stuff at each other. If you scream that you want to break up during a fight, then it seems like a punishment for the fight, and not for the relationship's problems in general.


- Do it in person. Doing it by email or on the phone kinda sucks. Unless you have reason to fear violence, then it is courtesy to do it face to face. It might be harder in the short term, but the breakup would go on better terms I think, and you would feel better about yourself than if you just cut and run.


- Don't blame or point fingers. Say that you need to end the relationship, that its getting to be too much fighting and conflict and that you think you two are not right for each other. Try do this without blaming and saying that it is her fault. Blaming will only make the other angry, defensive and may turn the encounter ugly.


- Decide beforehand how you might handle some things. How would you handle it if she says yes? Or if she wants another chance? If you think beforehand, you might be prepared for tears, begging, relief, etc and not be caught off guard. Is this relationship absolutely over? Or are you willing to try a break or counseling? Decide before things get emotional.


- As for after, it is up to you. Most people think that simply cutting off communication is the best way to go because it lets your emotions and heart heal without being dragged about by trying to be friends or encountering her often.

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