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Dear enotalone community,


I've been browsing the messages in the forum for the last three months and have found great consolidation in hearing other people's stories and experiences. I thought that I would introduce myself and tell my story as I feel that I have really come a long way emotionally in the last few months. If I had known that I would feel even this good three months ago, it would have helped me then. Also, I apologize as to the length; I didn’t mean to write a book.


The background:


So I met my ex a little over two years ago, and I pretty much fell head over heals for her. I think of myself as a very rational and maybe perhaps even a skeptical person, but when I met her, I absolutely fell in love. I was in my very very early twenties at the time and had been in prior relationships but had never experienced anything like what I felt for her. I even went into the relationship with the knowledge that she had cheated on many of her boyfriends in the past, yet I thought that I was going to be the exception. Our connection felt that good to me, and in hindsight, I think I pretty much exemplified any notion of a "young fool in love."


Unfortunately, we met under circumstances that quickly found us in a long distance relationship as we had to leave each other and go to our respective universities. We were several hours away by car, but I was so enchanted with her that I made every effort to unite us. And, once again, looking back, these first few months of long distance were a little shaky. I think she was less committed to me than I was to her. Evidence of this is fairly clearly shown in the fact that after about 8 months of dating she broke it off to be with another person. Having been unaware of this site then, I was completely at a loss. Actually I think "devastated" would sum it up. Yet, I got some great advice from my father and decided to initiate what everyone here refers to as no contact or "NC." Well, I guess it "worked" because a month later she actually came back to me. I genuinely believe that if I had followed my immediate instincts and called her 20 times a day, this would not have happened.


Right at that time there was a brief stint where we were in the same town and we took that opportunity to try and rebuild the relationship. And it became good again. Really good. While it was extremely difficult for me to cope with her actions (to say the least actually), there was a balance established that was absent before. It seemed like my feelings were being reciprocated. While at first this could have been attributed to her sense of guilt, our relationship felt continually strong for the next year.


However, this last summer we both graduated from our respective universities and things started to get dodgy. I had a lot on my plate with respect to graduate school apps., senior thesis and tests. And she was very busy as well, and anxious to move to a big city. Yet, moreover it was becoming somewhat clear that she was distancing herself from me. While I was busy, I was making the effort to see her, but it was not kindly greeted. Also, she would keep little things from me, and I'd find out about walks on the beach with old boy friends, etc. Stuff that threw up some flags. I don't believe she cheated on me, in the classically defined way, but emotionally I think she was being dishonest.


Regardless, we always had some ideological differences that presented themselves as the primary source of any arguments we had. And for the most part it was not a huge concern. But I think at the end it bothered her more and more and so that, along with other personal desires, prompted her to end it. That was in September and that's when I found this website.


The Aftermath:


So post-relationship me really consisted of a lot of cigarettes, coffee, alcohol, crying and laying on my floor looking at the ceiling. Time travels very slowly when simply staring at a wall, a fact of which I discovered in recent months. Essentially I was destroyed. Everything I knew and thought about life was turned upside down. I lost about 10 pounds, and managed to accumulated clutter and messes that I never dreamed capable of. Also, in my particular situation, she made it fairly clear that she was going to find her own emotional reconciliation in the form of dating these guys that she had regained contact with in the prior months. That fact, combined with her promiscuous history infiltrated my mind quite often in the weeks following the break. Not a fun time.


I initiated NC immediately after I realized that I didn't want to reduce our relationship to casual dating as she had proposed. At first, in my own desperation, I grabbed at such an opportunity, but after she proclaimed she specifically wanted to "have sex with other guys," I was a little turned off to the idea. This was a person I had loved more than anyone, and she wanted me to just be one of her sex buddies...after two years. So that was it, no more talking. And it’s been 3 months since I spoke to her, and 10 weeks since I peaked at her myspace. (Which was worse than talking to her because I could observe all of her e-flirting...ouch)


As a side note, I want to give recognition to all of you maintaining NC. For me it was very difficult not calling her. There were so many times when I would actually plug her number in, but luckily I never hit send. One trick I did learn was that whenever I found myself at home wanting to call her, I would bust out some push ups. It actually worked very well. In fact the initial frequency in which I wanted to call resulted in so many reps that I now regularly do 450 push ups every other day; not because I want to call, but because I like doing them for their own sake now. So I guess I basically created a new workout for myself


My conclusions as of now:


So three months in, it becomes clearer everyday that she was not the one for me. And mind you, we had a unique connection that absolutely blew me away. A connection that I'm sure most of you here felt in similar ways with your ex. And I think what was the hardest thing, at least for me, was the realization that these special connections are each their own individual entities, never to be reproduced in any identical fashion. Every personal connection is unique, and some are better than others. And I realize that I will never quite have the same exact relationship again. But, my relationship, like all relationships had its pros and cons, and establishing a new relationship with a different set of pros and cons is not a bad thing. And while some pros may be missing, some other pros may be added; and I'm sure in many of our cases some cons will be happily excluded. So that's the point, I'm at a place now where I appreciate having had that experience, but am moving on from it. And frankly, at some point down the road, I hope to be better for it.


So I apologize that this was so long. I hope that no one became too bored as a result of my tale of woe. But essentially I am in a better place than even just a month ago. And while some days are hard (ranging to very hard), if the question is whether there is light at the end for those that browse the enotalone forums, I must answer that I believe there is.

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Hey John,


You will definitely continue to have some ups and downs. Some days are going to feel better than other days. The purpose of exercising NC--no contact--is not to get your ex back. It's primary purpose is to help you move forward through the grieving process (anger, denial, sadness, bargaining, acceptance) and heal.


Keep doing those push-ups. Oh and when that urge hits where you want to contact her--come and post here instead.



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Hey thanks for the kind words guys.


MountainDrew: I'm sorry to hear of your breakup. The first couple months were the roughest for me, but I swear it gets better!


hosswhispra: Good comments, and I understand how one could have misinterpreted my attitude towards NC. However, I realize that the purpose of NC is not to get one's ex back. In the statement, 'Well, I guess it "worked,"' I meant to achieve a sarcastic connotation by putting the term "worked" in quotation. I realize now that that is not totally clear. However, in spite of that, I do believe it is certainly the only method one has for maintaining power/dignity and thus even providing the opportunity for reuniting. But right you are, it is not the purpose, nor was it my motivation either time. I can assure you, in both of my situations involving NC I ceased contact with the belief that the relationship was over. In fact, I can't even imagine how one could maintain NC without that attitude. And I will certainly keep doing the pushups.

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What a great inspiration to say the least. Although you have endured a lot in the last two years, you certainly are in a very balanced place right now. Sometimes what seems like the end really is only the beginning. You have taken great insight not only in the relationship aspect, but also from within yourself. You should be very proud of yourself, your strength, and the courage it takes to overcome.

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Jessicake: I understand what you mean about time fast forwarding. Two months ago when I was buying cigarettes from this woman at a gas station, (if you remember from my story, I was smoking a lot) she was holding my ID card in her hand and said "ooooh, you're 22, time's gonna fly from now on." And I remember saying, "Ha, I could go for some of that right now." In other words, time was not "flying" for me at all. So I know what you mean. But just hang on and you'll get there. I think the best thing is to add new experiences to your life, try to improve in aspects that you've always wanted to get better at, and in general, just live your life.

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Hopefully you too will find this as a great source to turn to. Even with family and friends, I found many times this was the one place I could let it all out and it has been a great source of relief for me many times. I have met a lot of wonderful, caring people who here who have been there many times just to listen, and show compassion and of course bring great humor


PS Each one of the quotes represent a part in my life or inspire me. Amazing how words can have such an impact.

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