Chemistry in Online Dating

[Cardinal]

I am the type of man who has never feels instant chemistry with a woman. Even when I fall in love with a woman, there wasn't a feeling of initial chemistry thinking back to when I first met her. It is something that develops for me over time, much like love and much like friendship.

 

And now that I am meeting some women from online dating in real life, I find I am at a bit of a disadvantage. It has come up on my last three dates/meetings that all three women knew if there was instant chemistry. I feel as though I am at a disadvantage in those meetings since I have no way of feeling as they do. Instead I base 'my' level of interest on whether or not I like her personality.

 

I went on a date/meeting with a young woman earlier today. We talked for nearly an hour and I think I correctly judged that 'she' didn't feel chemistry. But I had to base that judgement on clues unrelated to chemistry. I decided to thank her for meeting, complimented her on a few things I really liked about her and went on my merry way.

 

I'd like to know if any of your have noticed the same sort of problem either online or in real life dating when meeting people. And if so, what have you done about it? Toward the end of the meeting I pick up on one of her interests and ask directly for a date suggesting we do one of the things she like to do for fun. Other than getting a yes answer to that question (which I have and often do), I don't know how to get her to open up and let me know if she is really into me. I am big on communication and find it difficult if a woman won't let me know anything. Perhaps it is because the last three women I happen to have met simply weren't looking for a relationship at all.

 

One admitted to having gone on a 'zillion' dates and just liked the attention. The other two didn't seem interested in building a long term relationship. They seemed to be holding out for 'that one perfect guy'. For them dating was just to see if they just happened to strike gold.

 

I'd like to hear feedback and advice on it.

 

-Cardinal

[Layword]

Online dating is such a pain. Honestly, it really is. Forget the sites, forget the disappointment. Don't look for love, let it find you. truly then, and only then, will you find your "chemistry". Trust me. Don't do ANYTHING, nope, nothing! Love will find you, I promise.

 

~Cheers

[Cardinal]

Layword,

 

I went with the approach of "let love find you" for about 10 years. I never once found love. I think I waited long enough. I agree your approach may work for me, but what if it takes another 10-15 years. We don't even know how long we will live. If you want something you have to go after it. The only time I have ever had any success was when I started dating. Surprise, surprise, I fell in love with a woman after dating her a few months. I set a goal. I worked at it, got to know women in real life, and asked women to date me.

 

I made finding a girlfriend a primary goal. I feel as though 'letting it find you' is too apathetic. I talked with a girl at a busstop the other day. The only reason I talked with her is because she had one incredibly hot backside. Turns out she was really nice but was moving to another city to start a job a long ways away. Otherwise I would have been looking for digits. If I didn't set building a long term relationship as a primary goal, I guarantee I would have never spoken with her.

 

It can take me months to develop friendships. I have been in my current location for about 4 months. I am just now beginning to feel like I have a few friends that could be lifelong. More than acquaintances, real friends. But they are the people I just happen to work with on a daily basis. And very few of them are single women looking to form a lasting relationship!

 

If you are a guy and are any of the following.....I bet you can let love find you

 

1) Super attractive

2) Confident to the point it shoots out your ears

3) Have a rocking sense of humor

4) Are social, extorverted, a people person...anything like that.

[Batya33]

I met over 100 men through on line dating in person. I had three categories as to how I felt after the date as far as a second date - yes, no and on the fence. I would go on a second date if it were yes or on the fence. A "yes" meant that I had a good time with him, found him at least reasonably attractive, and thought we could have a good time again. That's it and that was enough for me. There were a few times I felt intense chemistry - completely, utterly smitten - but that was rare and I did not expect or need to feel that intense in order to agree to a second date.

 

There were men who said they rejected me because they did not feel "chemistry" - usually I did not either in those cases but in some of those cases I would have been interested in a second date to see if something could develop.

 

I do find that people who are new to on line dating sometimes get caught up in the "candy store" of it - it can be good for the ego. That part didn't interest me in the least.

 

I do not agree with "love will find you" if your goal is a serious relationship.

[Layword]

Sure, I guess if you havn't found love you can say that. You know, I havn't either, but that's not the point. The truth is, when you least expect it, love WILL find you. It maybe someone you met at a bus stop, or even a Waffle House. It's true, you have to look at yourself. IF YOU were the other person girl/boy would you date yourself? Change what you can, never look back. Cheers~

[Batya33]

Sure, I guess if you havn't found love you can say that. You know, I havn't either, but that's not the point. The truth is, when you least expect it, love WILL find you. It maybe someone you met at a bus stop, or even a Waffle House. It's true, you have to look at yourself. IF YOU were the other person girl/boy would you date yourself? Change what you can, never look back. Cheers~

 

yes, that is a nice cliche about love. The happily married people I know - some met randomly, some met through dating web sites, some through matchmakers, some at work, some at singles events, some through blind dates and introductions by friends. Your notion is very sweet and romantic and it is only one of many ways that people find each other and love. Four of my friends who fell in love in the last year (three are now married) met by setting out specifically to find a mate - through on line dating sites ,through a matchmaker and through a singles event. My sister met and fell in love with her husband through a personal ad. At least 6 of my close friends met their spouses through dating sites - not randomly. They went out to find love and they did.

 

For those of us who are not surrounded by single people because, for example we work a lot, work with married people, go to school and spend a lot of time studying, sometimes when you have a busy, varied life you have to be a bit proactive about how you meet people. That is, if you want a serious relationship leading to marriage and don't want to leave it entirely to chance. To suggest that it works as you do is a little silly when you actually look at how people meet and end up together.

[Aurian]

I also doubt the romantic notion of bumping into the one you love. Sure it may work for some, and kudos! Me? I;ve only been asked out twice in my life, mainly because I am shy, nervous in crowds, and seem to never run into guys my own age who are single. If I want a relationship, I think I need to go outside my usual sphere and find one!

[Budman]

Online dating is such a pain. Honestly, it really is. Forget the sites, forget the disappointment. Don't look for love, let it find you. truly then, and only then, will you find your "chemistry". Trust me. Don't do ANYTHING, nope, nothing! Love will find you, I promise.

 

~Cheers

 

Sure, I guess if you havn't found love you can say that. You know, I havn't either, but that's not the point. The truth is, when you least expect it, love WILL find you. It maybe someone you met at a bus stop, or even a Waffle House. It's true, you have to look at yourself. IF YOU were the other person girl/boy would you date yourself? Change what you can, never look back. Cheers~

 

 

Ok I'm so sorry, but layword you are sadly sadly mistaken. If you wait for love to find you, you will never get more than a "hi" when you are a guy. First off 50-80% of women are "waiting" for love. Men can not. First off you do not know who you can fall in love with, love takes a grand commitment of time/conversation. You have to connect with that person, and you have to connect in a romantic sense.

 

So let's recap so far:

 

Have to spend lots of time

Have to connect

Have to Connect romantically

 

Now, how is this supposed to work if you're not looking for it? That girl that winks at you, you aren't "open" or "looking" for it, you shrug it off as nice. It's not in your state of mind its not in your awareness. How on earth do you think that you can connect with someone so quickly? Also with the state of "harassment" laws in the states its difficult as hell to initiate romantic relationships in the office environment (Pass the crappy gas station jobs) because you fear potential trouble.

 

Recap:

Have to spend lots of time

Have to connect

Have to Connect romantically

Have to be receptive to signals

Work relationships can be very tricky

 

So more and more things continue to work against you, the lonier you start to get, the more you yearn for feminine contact. Surely you start to get a little "weird" around women because you're nervous you've not dating in years. It's hard to get back on that wagon (married men would probably understand this well after a breakup.) You start losing social contacts as more and more of your friends get married or get into committed relationships.

 

Recap:

Have to spend lots of time

Have to connect

Have to Connect romantically

Have to be receptive to signals

Work relationships can be very tricky

You get weird around women

Social network on decline.

 

Men can not, CAN NOT let love come to them. Yes, you can't expect every woman you meet to be the love of your life, but you still have to search for that love. If you're not looking/trying you won't get anything. A great example would be going fishing without a pole or bait... Yes, I fell in love when I didn't expect it! I was still searching for it, I just didn't expect it from the person I fell in love with.

 

Cardinal, to answer your question. I've never really been able to "sense" chemistry until after a long time (2-3 years) of online/offline experience. To some extent now I get a good gauge just from IM conversations before I even meet the people.

 

In my dates of past I used psychological clues as to how my "date" felt about me, and continued on that basis. After the date I would go over how I felt about her. (A date is just for fun, that's what make sure it is) Anyway, chemistry is hard to describe. I think of it as, when you look into there eyes you want to see more, when they touch you, it feels like a new and welcomed change not to frighten you. Conversations can drift for hours and constant refills are needed. When you finally look at your watch and curse because of the time that went by.

 

of course I'm odd, my entire being is a disarming weapon of mass destruction muhahahha.

[heloladies21]

The truth is, when you least expect it, love WILL find you.

This is great advice for girls and great looking guys. I mean like the top .1% can get away with this kind of passive view. But for the rest of us this method will lead to nothing but lonely nights.

 

It's up to the guy to find what he wants and go get it.