does he want back in???

[shikashika]

ok..

as some of you know I ended up snowboarding with my ex the past weekend.

 

If you read that thread

 

 

 

anyway.. I ended up spending most of the day with my ex... my other friend decided to go off on his merry way. I had a great time boarding ...

 

I know that many people put conditions on when the ex comes back.

 

Its weird... now that we have spent a day together HE has talked about going away with JUST me for a weekend... even though he has friends who board...

 

and invited me out with his friends for New years...which I'm not sure if I'll go to.

 

He has had 'just friends' who are girls as I have with many guys over our lives...and both of us have been away on trips with our girl/guy friends.

 

however... I think its different when its with an ex...

 

The last trip we went on was just a day trip.. so no overnight involved.

 

I still think its weird that he barely talked to me.. then one day out of the blue decides to book a daytrip boarding with me..

 

I know everyone says the ex has to come back into your life with sorries and apologies.. but some people just aren't like that.

 

if he was just back to get a little nookie, you'd think he would try and ask me for a bite to eat or a drink and see if one thing lead to another.. but no.. he wants to go away on a weekend trip.

 

When we hung out boarding the other day.. it was the first time we had really talked since the relationship. I never brought up 'us' once.

 

he did say something to the effect of.." oh my friend tried to set me up with this girl but I didn't like her... she was blah!"

 

Now..I don't know if this is just friend talk... or if he's trying to hint something

 

As I said in the other thread.. he has a friend who he can get FREE snowboarding/lift tickets from... but no.. he chooses to pay and come with me.. and has made plans to go away for a weekend a month from now... just me and him..

 

he isn't the kidn of guy who is direct and forthcoming... even when we were together... so he ins't going to be now.

 

I've talked to several of my guy friends and they all say..."no guy wants to hang out with his ex, go on weekend trips if they don't want back in... he could do that type of thing with his other friends'.. and he's inviting me out for new year things like that..

 

I just don't know what to do... I want to know what he is up to ... and I know him... asking him whats up will just lead to more problems...

 

I just want to know if he's trying to move back..or what????

[in_the_mirror]

well do you want him back? cuz if you do i don't see to much harm on seeing where this all leads too....

[shikashika]

well do you want him back? cuz if you do i don't see to much harm on seeing where this all leads too....

 

 

of course I'm apprehensive.. because I was the one who was dumped.... so I'm just being cautious... and don't know what he's doing back again... or if HE is even being cautious because he knows he hurt me...

[in_the_mirror]

well, if it leads somewhere that would be great, if it doesn't you've just had a great weekend with a new/old friend....just don't let him take advantage of you if it comes down to it. if something starts (i.e. kissing/more) ask him what it really means to him.

[shikashika]

I know! I just want to know why he's back.... ahh!

[Ellie2006]

Shika,

Would you consider asking him, by any chance?

I'm sure you've thought of this already but I guess before you ask, you have to ask yourself first what YOU want -- if you would like to give it an honest go again, then you might want to consider asking him but if not, then i guess it's really unnecessary what his motives were??

What do you think?

[shikashika]

Shika,

Would you consider asking him, by any chance?

I'm sure you've thought of this already but I guess before you ask, you have to ask yourself first what YOU want -- if you would like to give it an honest go again, then you might want to consider asking him but if not, then i guess it's really unnecessary what his motives were??

What do you think?

 

Hi Ellie,

 

That is what everyone has been saying... 'What do YOU want'.. well I guess what I want is to know what he's doing... is he just back for a buddy-pal friendship?.. it just doesn't make any sense to me why he wants to go off for weekends

 

I would be lying if I said I didn't want him back at all.. Even though I was angry at him for breaking up with me at the time he didn't do anything WRONG in the relationship.. and we had a really great day over the weekend, just hanging out and talking all day.. and I miss that... and I miss him...

[Ellie2006]

Shika,

 

I may be reaching a bit here (and my apologies in advance if I am) but I do feel as though he has hurt you a lot.

 

So you want to know what his intentions are FIRST before you make up your mind about whether or not to let your guards down to consider if you want to let him in again.

 

I.e. you don't even want to go there (thinking about if you want him back) unless and until you know that he wants to get back together first.

 

I am the same way, Shika but sometimes, we have to take a chance, y'know? Forget everything else for now and just concentrate on this: do I want to work things out with him?

[shikashika]

Shika,

 

I may be reaching a bit here (and my apologies in advance if I am) but I do feel as though he has hurt you a lot.

 

So you want to know what his intentions are FIRST before you make up your mind about whether or not to let your guards down to consider if you want to let him in again.

 

I.e. you don't even want to go there (thinking about if you want him back) unless and until you know that he wants to get back together first.

 

I am the same way, Shika but sometimes, we have to take a chance, y'know? Forget everything else for now and just concentrate on this: do I want to work things out with him?

 

Exactly! your last sentence is the hardest part... I will just feel so stupid if he says something like" what you thought me wanting to go away with you for a weekend means I like you?!?!"

 

Objectively... it would seem like he does... why would a guy want to go away with his ex?!?... and all of a sudden come back

 

but.. you are right... I guess I just feel like asking him would just push him away even further..

 

i remember asking a question once on ena .. and I've read it in many love advice articles... that if you ask someone "what is going on?" or a "what is happening her?" question, then that only pushes the other person further away and gives all the control to them...

[annie24]

i remember asking a question once on ena .. and I've read it in many love advice articles... that if you ask someone "what is going on?" or a "what is happening her?" question, then that only pushes the other person further away and gives all the control to them...

 

funny because I am starting to feel the oppositve way.... I know lots of dating advice columns that actually RECOMMEND you go, "hey - I am not going to waste my time, what is up, because if you're just going to mess with my head, I am out of here!" Christian Carter is one of those who advocates it because it shows that you're a woman, not a meek little mouse that will sit around and wait for this guy to figure out what he wants with you.

 

I think you deserve to know. So why not just come out and ask, non-accusatorily.... "Hey - we are suddenly hanging out, when you haven't said 3 words to me for 4/5 months now. What's going on?"

 

see what he says.

[shikashika]

funny because I am starting to feel the oppositve way.... I know lots of dating advice columns that actually RECOMMEND you go, "hey - I am not going to waste my time, what is up, because if you're just going to mess with my head, I am out of here!" Christian Carter is one of those who advocates it because it shows that you're a woman, not a meek little mouse that will sit around and wait for this guy to figure out what he wants with you.

 

I think you deserve to know. So why not just come out and ask, non-accusatorily.... "Hey - we are suddenly hanging out, when you haven't said 3 words to me for 4/5 months now. What's going on?"

 

see what he says.

 

hmnn.. actually I get mixed messages form Christian Carter!

 

It seems like one moment he advocats to be aloof bu that you understand the man emotionally... he also seems to say that you should do something unexpected or don't act how the guy expects you to..

 

I thought it was christian carter who also said that when you have the talk' or start asking a guy 'where do I stand' then the guy may start thinking' hey... I thought things were going fine until she asked me that'

 

true, who wants a guy who can't answer a question...

I just don't know what to do..

 

I have a friend who is telling me"yes.. he broke up with you. but trying to feel the situation and wonder what is going on... You are playing games with him as well.

 

then I hear not to be there too much or he will just see me as this or that..

 

ugh1.. I really don't know

 

I will try and find out a way to bring it up to him.. without sounding accusatory or sound liek I'm making demands... any ideas??

 

we haven't talked about the relationship at all!!

 

and I guess what I fear is that if I ask him "hey whats going on?" he will say something like "what you think I want you back or something?"

 

and people are advocating that I do this...but because of what happened and how we broke up... when I thought things were peachy then... I guess i don't have a very good judgement of how this guy is going to respond..

[annie24]

you know, I had "the talk" in the way that christian carter recommended and it went very well and easily. Others have done it too, and it does work.

 

i mean, what is wrong with just saying to him, "Hey - like, we broke up and never talked for months, and now you want to take a vacation together, just the two of us. uhh... what happened?"

 

you aren't asking him or pressuring him to get back together, you are just asking a pretty simple question.

 

better than asking us, we don't know him!!! how can we possibly know if he wants you back or not? we aren't the psychic friends network

[shikashika]

you know, I had "the talk" in the way that christian carter recommended and it went very well and easily. Others have done it too, and it does work.

 

i mean, what is wrong with just saying to him, "Hey - like, we broke up and never talked for months, and now you want to take a vacation together, just the two of us. uhh... what happened?"

 

you aren't asking him or pressuring him to get back together, you are just asking a pretty simple question.

 

better than asking us, we don't know him!!! how can we possibly know if he wants you back or not? we aren't the psychic friends network

 

hmnnn... I wonder if it is too late because I ( ) already agreed to go on this trip.. and we have been having civil conversations now for 2 weeks...

[annie24]

no, it's not. I'd say that 2 weeks is a good amount of time. if you two are civil again, why not just ask him casually, I mean, don't make a big deal out of it. just ask him when you two are sitting down to watch a movie, or you just ordered food and are waiting for the appetizers to come. just ask casually like, "ok, so we are talking again. what changed?"

[Ellie2006]

So why not just come out and ask, non-accusatorily.... "Hey - we are suddenly hanging out, when you haven't said 3 words to me for 4/5 months now. What's going on?"

 

see what he says.

 

Hey Shika,

I think Annie's advice is sound.

I apologize if I am off base here but I get a sense that you're afraid of putting yourself on the line by asking him any questions about the status of your relationship BEFORE he brings it up bc it betrays the fact that you're considering getting back together w/ him when he hurt you before by breaking things off w/ you. But we've gotta take a chance sometimes, y'know?

 

Anyway, I think the way Annie phrases it is perfect.

 

What do you think?

[shikashika]

no, it's not. I'd say that 2 weeks is a good amount of time. if you two are civil again, why not just ask him casually, I mean, don't make a big deal out of it. just ask him when you two are sitting down to watch a movie, or you just ordered food and are waiting for the appetizers to come. just ask casually like, "ok, so we are talking again. what changed?"

 

I'm going to be bad( and perhaps wrong!!!)but I'm ASSUMING he's going to say " I thought you didn't want to talk to me'

 

because I DID say that shortly after we broke up... I was angry and hurt and told him he was disrespectful and immature... and that I didn't want him to contact me..which I still think he was at the time.

 

Then I realised harbouring all this anger and bitterness didn't solve anything... so we began to talk briefly.. then he invites himself along on a snowboarding trip.. but I didn't exactly do anything to dissuade him... so maybe I gave him the impression I wanted to be friends again...

 

bla! I just don't get the idea of him wanting to just hang out and be buddies... when we never were!

[annie24]

well, ok, just talk to him then. if he says that, then say you said what you did because you were hurt after the breakup and needed a bit of time alone to recover.

[shikashika]

Hey Shika,

I think Annie's advice is sound.

I apologize if I am off base here but I get a sense that you're afraid of putting yourself on the line by asking him any questions about the status of your relationship BEFORE he brings it up bc it betrays the fact that you're considering getting back together w/ him when he hurt you before by breaking things off w/ you. But we've gotta take a chance sometimes, y'know?

 

Anyway, I think the way Annie phrases it is perfect.

 

What do you think?

 

I agree.. I think Annie has great advice as well ( thanks Annie! )

 

but you are right... I don't want to put myself out there.. for the reasons you've said.. and I guess I feel if I never bring it up and he thinks of me as some friend then I haven't put myself out there and if I he really doesn't like me that much... and I never mention it... then there won't be that awkwardness.

 

I AM acting sad and pathetic!!!!

 

 

but do guys really want to go on trips with their ex??? just as friends hsaring a hotel room?

 

sure, I've been away with guy friends.. but thats all we ever were...

 

I don't get why ...my head is twirling!