Can I ever trust him again?

[Saraismyname]

I don't know what to do. My fiance cheated on me a year ago.

I thought I could trust him again and we've tried but I just don't trust him.

 

I always have this voice in the back of my head...what if he's not where he says he is...what if he's with someone else...if he lied cheated once he can do it again. I don't know what to do. I love him and I want to marry him but how will I ever trust him again.

 

Please help.

[Day_Walker]

You cannot be with a person that you do not trust, the relationship just wont work out. Either find a way to get over the infidelity or say goodbye to the relationship.

[hosswhispra]

Unfortunately, without trust there isn't much of a relationship. You should re-evaluate your decision on marrying him. Can you picture yourself going through this again if you were married to him with children?

[yeawutever]

Then maybe it will be a right to tell him that you can't trust him and want to break up. You can't possibly truly love him if there's no trust.

[Hope75]

How did the affair come about?

 

Was it quick, one time mistake that he immediately confessed to you and apologized profusely?

 

Or was it lengthier, and did you catch him before he admitted to it?

 

Have you two sought counseling over it, and, if not, would he be willing to go?

[m_darko]

Being in the position you are currently enduring is not easy. Trust, as it has been mentioned, is the foundation of any relationship...ANY! Without it what do you have? There is no semi trust or "I kind of trust him."

-A) you trust him

Or

-B) You don't

 

Thoughts of infidelity will never leave you. If this does not end the relationship here, I certainly feel it will later down the road.

 

But...nothing is certain. Except maybe the fact that Fruity Pebbles is the best cereal known to man. mmmmm

[m_darko]

Being in the position you are currently enduring is not easy. Trust, as it has been mentioned, is the foundation of any relationship...ANY! Without it what do you have? There is no semi trust or "I kind of trust him."

-A) you trust him

Or

-B) You don't

 

Thoughts of infidelity will never leave you. If this does not end the relationship here, I certainly feel it will later down the road.

 

But...nothing is certain. Except maybe the fact that Fruity Pebbles is the best cereal known to man. mmmmm

 

Oops, and women. I'm sure they enjoy it as much as I do.

[meantime]

Your love will not be able to grow in an environment without trust. It is not fair to you or to him. You already know the answer deep down. The sickening feeling you get now when you wonder if he may be cheating again will become a part of your life. It is no way to begin a marriage, no way to spend your life.

[Saraismyname]

It was a woman he was dating before we met. Even she admitted he was trying to end it. I just think he let it go on too long because he didn't want to hurt her. She said he had been trying to break it off...it just took several months into our relationship for it to happen and I found out about her before he managed to end it. We have talked about seeing a counselor. In fact, we're going this evening. He's more than willing. I've expressed to him I didn't think my accusations were fair and that perhaps this isn't something we will be able to overcome. He insists he is faithful and wants nothing more than to marry me.

I believe it's fixable, I just don't know how.

[Hope75]

Hi there,

 

Well, I think the important thing is that you both think it's fixable, and are willing to go the lengths to try and get to a place where the relationship is healthy and has some trust and respect.

 

While I don't think it's positive that you found out about the affair, and that he did not break it off and admit to it before you ever found out, he seems willing to work on earning back your trust through time, effort and counseling, and you seem willing as well, I think there is a good chance for your relationship.

 

The important thing is to be 100% honest with each other, and even if he has to be on a 'short leash' for awhile while you slowly gain back the trust, I think that the two of you can get there with time.

 

It is going to be an effort for you as well as from him, so keep that in mind as you progress. Not only will he have to earn back your trust, but you will need to work on giving that back to him and having faith in his honesty in the future. It's an active process for both of you.

 

I wish you the best of luck and hope that you keep us updated!

[lovecrazy]

Lets look at this, you could honestly get a tracking device put on him. GPS on his cell phone, put one on his car??? They are only about 800 a piece. You can track him through the internet.

 

With most cell phone coverage, you can view dialed and received calls online all day long. You can also demand he save his text message, if you feel he is deleting them you can actually go out and purchase the software that can access deleted information off of another cell phone. You could also go crazy enough to follow him, track his everymove...This will in turn, make you crazy, and make him think you are crazy.

 

Girl that wasnt to be a smart butt either, just some examples that some women actually do! Do you want to live your life, babysitting your husband to be?

 

Honestly I dont believe in cheating, and honestly if I were cheated on I dont know how I would handle it. Maybe you two should go to counseling together, and try and let go of the past,

 

My boyfriend and I have a rule, we broke up for a month because our relationship sucked, and wasnt going anywhere. Now we are stronger than ever. But our rule is anything in the past you are not allowed to throw up in the other persons face, yes its still there but let it go.

 

Now if you are having a mature discussion than go right ahead talk about it. But dont argue talk to each other with respect.

 

And it sounds like you love him alot. I honestly urge you to go to counseling together it does wonders....

 

please lkeep us updated!

[yeawutever]

If you have to be monitoring your SO's every moves then what is the whole point of a relationship, either you get pass his "year ago" betrayal or you break up with him and tell him something like "I can't take it anymore, I can't trust you".

[Mr. Brightside]

I am in almost the exact same situation. She cheated on me almost 2 years ago and I have had to check up on her since. It sucks because we are in a lease together until grad school is done (April 2008) but then I plan on ending it.

 

I think it all depends on how the affair came about to see if you can repair things. If there was "love," forget about it. It never goes away until they realize that what they are doing is damaging someone else's love. That is the case with my fiance. She is still apparently semi-in love with an ex of hers and cannot stop contact, even with our agreement after she cheated that no further contact can happen if we are to work on things.

 

We've gone through some good areas where I didn't feel the need to check up on her for months... but then they start acting even the tiniest bit funny and you check... BAM... there is an e-mail AND response.

 

What I am trying to say is: Is there a history of love involved? Coming from experience it is seriously NOT WORTH your small amount of time you are given on this planet. There are so many other guys (like myself) who would fancy a monogamous, close relationship without the taint of poison infidelity.

 

If there was no love involved, i.e. a drunken stupidity "what the hell did I just do" night, then I think you may have a chance to salvage it.

 

I know its tough when you have given so many sacrifices of yourself and your love and they choose to dip all of that sacred stuff in a vat of diamond dust and watch you suffer. After this whole fiasco, I've realized how important our feelings are and how much they are telling us in each situation. Listen to that feeling in your stomach. It's there for a reason. I know mine is. I get the satisfaction of knowing my suspicions of further contact between them was correct, yet it adds more sickening taint to my heart. Your feelings are in direct correlation to how committed he is to making you feel comfortable again trusting him. He obviously is not working hard enough if you still feel that way. You are already doing your part by giving him that big piece of your love, sacrifice and ambition to make things right again. He must do MORE than that to get you back because it is his job to correct HIS actions. If not, you say "oh well" and fuggettabout 'im!

 

Easier said than done, I know... but just keep telling yourself its better that way and your subconscious will eventually force you to believe...

[Saraismyname]

I can't thank you all enough for your advice but more than that for making me realize that I am not the only human being on earth who has suffered because of anothers weakness.

I'm still not sure what I'll do but I feel much more confident moving forward knowing I can turn to my cyber friends for help.

 

Thank you.

[yeawutever]

Huh, by the way what does this have to do with infidelity whenamansloevisreal???

[Steven1607307306]

Cheating is wack, and it all just depends on the individual. I left my X because she cheated on me, I tried to make it work, but after two weeks, I just wasn't feeling the love anymore.

 

After about a year, I still can't get her out of my head, and I regret leaving her, but life goes on. Honestly if you still don't trust him after a whole year, take about 2 months apart and see how you feel.

 

What happened with me was I kept judging every girl to my X and it just wasn't the same. My relationships have suffered now because I left the one I loved because of something that can happen to anybody. Follow your heart, and make the best of your life, don't be held back by lack of trust. Try to take a few months apart and see how you feel then.

[doyathink]

It sounds to me that he wasn't over her before he started dating you. He still had unfinished business in his head for this woman. This may be a woman he will love (to some degree) for the rest of his life. Maybe his first real love so to speak.

 

You weren't a rebound were you?