Just some venting I guess...

[nsbguy32169]

Well, I thought I was doing a lot better, but I've come to realize the fuel driving my flames was just the idea that she wanted me back... which was true about 2 months ago (she broke up with me in August), but I stood my ground and said no because I put up with way too much crap than I should have when I was with her so there was no way I was gonna get back into that... *takes a breath*... anyway, that feeling that she wanted me back was empowering and keeping me strong, but now that her "I don't want to lose you" feelings have resided, all that remains is a girl who sees me as a friend... and nothing more. And I feel like **** because of it. I know, we're not dating, why should I care? I just can't get over the fact that this girl who gave 3 years of her life to me, who gave me her virginity and her mine, and called me her first true love now looks at me the same way she looks at any of her other guy friends. It was different before... there'd be times when we'd hang out, possibly do a little making out and even hooked up a few times after the break up... but now that things have settled she's realized why things didn't work out... to her, the chemistry between us had died months ago, the spark blown out, the flame... dead. Slowly, but surely comfort and security had taken its place, and that's what she thought being in love was about. She had stopped feeling that attraction towards me... the same attraction I still feel for her, months after the break-up... Every time I'm around her my heart still flutters and deep down I want her to feel the same way... but I don't, because I don't want to get back together... she put me through so much crap, but I'm still so in love with her... I want the girl who fell in love with me 3 years ago, not the girl who broke up with me because she fell out of love with me... and that's where this struggle is originating... it's driving me crazy. I want the past, not the present, and since part of the past is in the present I long for that piece of her... the piece that I hope still has feelings for me.

 

It seems like nothing will take my mind off of her... not hanging out with friends every other day... not studying so I can maintain my grades... not even busting my *** at work to keep myself busy... not even hanging out with other girls can completely remove her from my thoughts...nothing does it... And it just gets worse every time I find something from our past... something about getting married, starting a family, buying our first house together, spending our lives together, "loving" each other forever and no one else, etc... Every time I come accross an old card or note it seems we were always looking towards the future... waiting for things to get better... her, waiting to graduate high school so she could go to college, and now its her waiting to graduate college so she can start working... with me I was always looking forward to seeing her again, not paying attention to life around me, missing out on so much just because I wanted to talk to her on the phone and tell her how much I couldn't wait to see her again... however, I always TRIED to be mindful of the present, to enjoy what life was at the moment. I would try to remind her to do the same, to stop hoping for the future and start living for the now, but she wouldn't do it... she always thought that tomorrow would be better than today... then it got to be her waiting for me to change, to change into the man she wants to spend her life with, and I'm not that man... I'm my own person with my own qualities, and all she ever wanted was for me to get other qualities... "better", "tougher", "more rugged" qualities. She wanted me to be a different person. She didn't want to accept that I am my own person, with my own qualities that she won't truly appreciate until she's with someone who doesn't have them. I never tried to make her into someone she's not. I'll admit there were times when I was frustrated with particular traits of hers, but she wouldn't have been the girl I love if she didn't have them. Actually, there was ONE thing... ONE thing I wished was different... I know it might seem incredibly superficial, but it was the sex. I'm sure it was a result of the dying spark she held for me, but a bad sex life is one thing. No sex life is another. Being in love, for me anyway, means you share your body, mind and soul with the other person... it means that you WANT to share all three of those with the other person... I offered her all three at all times, but I was incredibly lucky if I got all three simultaneously from her ... Looking back I can tell there was definitely a transition somewhere after the first year when she started looking at me more as a friend than a lover, and that's when the sex started to get very infrequent with a huge drop in the passion and desire for it on her end.

 

So I guess in the end I'm still better off without her. She didn't appreciate me as much as I deserved, she didn't show me the respect I deserved and she stopped showing me the love I deserved a long time ago...

 

I just wish I could embrace all of this and really, truly believe it, but my heart still wants her regardless of what anyone says or thinks... or even what I say or think...

 

She will ALWAYS have a special place in my heart... and that seems unfair to all of the women in my future because no matter what, a piece of my heart will always belong to "her" and the love I feel for them will never be as strong as it was... IS for "her."

[Vynde]

nsbguy32169,

 

First, if it’s not your first time here, welcome to ENA! You are in the right spot - with plenty of good people ready to offer the best advice out there.

 

I know your upset and rightly so, you had at one time (prob still do) had a strong attachment both emotionally and physically, which is why you are dealing with all those triggers you mention. The distress of seeing those things (i.e. weddings, movies, places you have been, the list goes on) can sometimes feel overwhelming.

 

I know at this point it may seem like the feelings you are having will never pass and as you mention at the close of your posting:

 

"She will ALWAYS have a special place in my heart... and that seems unfair to all of the women in my future because no matter what, a piece of my heart will always belong to "her" and the love I feel for them will never be as strong as it was... IS for "her."

 

She may always be a big part of who you are, that’s true, but that’s not a bad thing and you will find someone that can meet the expectations your heart think can’t be filled. (that’s something very hard to contemplate when you’re still very much upset and longing for her).

 

However, it seems so far you ARE doing the right things and taking the appropriate steps to better yourself, which is KEY.

 

It sounds like you’re a smart, caring guy, who when in a relationship, opens his heart (which is a good thing)! However, it makes it that much harder to go through something like this.

 

I think you should keep posting here - Share your feelings. If you feeling down, log-on and post it in your thread. You will be surprised at the feed back and I guarantee you won’t be disappointed.

 

Hang in my Friend. Guess what? Your feelings are completely normal. Your are going to be fine.

 

Best regards,

John

[LCD01]

Wow nsbguy, that was like reading my own exact story, except you dated your ex longer than I did. I totally know what you're going through. Right after we broke up, I felt OK with it because that lack of love she had for me was fresh in my mind. Now, a month later, I feel terrible because we have gone NC and she doesn't need me for emotional support anymore. And of course I've been having dreams about her and that just stir up all these emotions. I think my biggest problem was that the first time I ever saw her, it was love at first sight. She was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen, exactly what I envsioned my GF to look like. Right now I can't get past that attraction I have for her, though emotionally she was totally

unavailable. She kept taking, and I kept giving. I just have to remind myself of all of the heartache she has caused and move on.

[Vynde]

She kept taking, and I kept giving. I just have to remind myself of all of the heartache she has caused and move on.

 

LCD01,

 

That’s seems to be the pattern here. I think when we feel like this, it sometimes very hard to see the bad things in the relationship, the days that weren’t so good, the fights, the hurt.

 

For whatever reason, during a time like this, we tend only to see the good, the happy times and great experiences. Pushing back the bad until we can’t see it. It’s odd how it works.

 

Some people would agree that focusing on the "bad" helps change the mind-set. It allows you to feel different emotions other than pain and sadness. Sometimes it allows for anger to surface, which sometimes helps. (not for everyone)

 

The fact is, the relationship we were in wasn’t all peaches & cream. it’s important to know that - we wouldn’t be where we are today if it was.

 

Keep moving forward. We can look back when ready.

 

Regards,

John