When do you let go?

[Psylocke]

When do you consider a friend not a friend any more?

 

When the effort of contact is lost by the other person?

When the take take take of a friendship drains you?

When you can't figure out what you've done to cause this person to turn on you?

 

I offer these questions because I seemed to have lost contact with a very close RL friend of over 7 years. I'm now almost afraid to ask why so as to save myself from looking like a fool. I know I did nothing from re-reading our last chats things went well. I don't really think it's my problem persay but I often wonder how a friend can just cut you off without reguard.

 

It will be 3 weeks tomorrow since we spoke and that is quite out of character for both of us. I have tried making contact a couple of times (I do not want to push to hard) without avail. I'm at a loss now and to be honest it hurts.

[caro33]

Is this not like your friend at all? I mean, does he/she ever get a bit distant, paranoid, anything that might shed light onto what's happening?

 

I would say that three weeks' silence would be definitely uncommon for me and my closest friends, but it isn't unheard of, and when it's happened there's no hard feelings or hidden issues at all. Is that possible do you think?

 

To answer your question, I think all of the options you stated are correct, but option 3 is more about the person turning on you than you not being able to work it out. I would be surprised if someone you rely on and have been close to for 7 years could just 'turn' for no reason.

 

I have had two friendships end recently, and both were with very high maintenance friends. One (7 years) ended when I got engaged - she had had her marriage end a year and a bit before and it seems she couldn't deal with me getting married. I had been there for her the whole time, rarely talked about my relationship, had done the right thing, but she cut me off. It hurt my feelings but on some level I was relieved because I was no longer able to do anything for her and she'd become so bitter and anti-men.

 

The other one ended when she lost it at me and almost physically assaulted me. I had also been talking to her about her relationship ending for the previous 6 months and I said something that day that she misunderstood. She went mad at me when I tried to apologise/explain. While she apologised later, it just wasn't the same for me, and I have shut down my side of the friendship. The take take thing was really getting to me anyway.

 

Thing is, with both these people I knew they had this in them. Neither had ever been particularly supportive of me, both had their heads in a negative and self-obsessed space (and I mean ever since I knew them, not just b/c recent hard times). If one of my other closest friends 'turned' on me I would be completely gobsmacked - it just wouldn't happen unless there had been some TERRIFIC misunderstanding. However, the fact is that people change, annd they come and go from your life.

 

If you believe your friend is rational, understands you, isn't motivated by selfishness or paranoia, then have faith and just be honest. You could have read this all wrong, why not find out?

 

Have you been demanding of the friendship recently?

[dogheadma]

Three weeks dosen't seem like that long to be out of contact, especially if you've been friends for 7 years.

 

Maybe your friend has just been really preoccupied or busy with something lately. Maybe work, or school or family or something?

 

Touch base and see how they're doing.

[Psylocke]

I know I sound a bit irrational... and I did not mean to come accross that way.

 

To answer a couple questions:

 

Caro33, yes this person has become distant before,for a week at a time at the very longest. This person does struggle with depression and I have had bouts of it myself so I do understand those issues. I can almost bet the holidays are playing a part of this distance. My biggest problem is that I worry and I want to offer help and support. I guess I am used to the constant contact and this abrupt end of contact is playing with my head.

 

Dogheadma, I am going to give it a couple days and try to make contact again either by phone or email. Family problems could be a slight issue as but this person isn't married nor has any children, but the father has some medical issues (which again is why I worry).

 

Thank you both for taking time to comment. Every reply counts and helps me cope

[caro33]

You could send flowers? Something like that, to say 'I'm thinking of you'.

 

Could be too much, I don't know.

 

Have faith Psylocke, if you haven't picked up on any actual conflict there probably isn't any. You don't sound irrational by the way.

[Aurian]

Hey Paine (Love your avatar ),

 

I would reach out one last time before giving, a little card or email to say what's up? I haven't heard from you in a long time...

 

If still no response, then perhaps a final email/call to say "I don't know what is wrong, did I do something to offend you?" If she wants to be friends or is a decent person she should respond to that. If not, then she wasn't really a friend after all...

[Psylocke]

Well it's now 2 days and counting since I left a message for this so called friend. Left a voicemail and wrote a very very short email asking if everything was ok. And no this friend is not out of town as a mutual friend confirmed that.

 

After a couple more days of nothing I may write a nasty-gram stating how * * * *ty I feel and about how friends do not do this to eachother. I know I might be wasting my time but it sure would make me feel better.

[blender]

QUOTE:

 

When do you consider a friend not a friend any more?

 

When the effort of contact is lost by the other person?

When the take take take of a friendship drains you?

When you can't figure out what you've done to cause this person to turn on you?

 

END QUOTE:

 

So does your friend exhibit the above?? If so, then "let go" it's just a bad habit, and yes one you will miss, but if there is a stress of someone who is a "take, take, take" or too much drama, then it's time for you to move on.. I"m so sorry, but sometimes there are friends, that no matter how much we miss them, they are simply a toxic combination with us...

[Psylocke]

Blender: You are right in your 'toxic combination' description. In fact you are not the first person to tell me to let it go, a few others did the same today. That will most probably be the case as I don't need this kind of friend in my life. Drifting apart I understand but this I do not and probably never will.

[blender]

I'm in my forties, and I've had a close friend over the last fifteen years, and this exact thing happened, at first I wanted some explaination, and some feedback, and some closure..ugh.. she and I were great friends when all was well, but I know now in looking back it was so toxic, I really think whenever I was truly happy she would get sad... in a weird distant way.. unless of course she was somehow sharing that happy experience.. and for now you may miss her, or wonder, but trust me, let it go.. you made an effort and that's that, say a prayer for her, and let go with love... onward and upward...

[Psylocke]

Dang Blender I have to wonder if you read my mind when you said

 

I really think whenever I was truly happy she would get sad... in a weird distant way.. unless of course she was somehow sharing that happy experience..

 

This has happened a few times and just recently when I got a new job and went on a 'real' vacation. Exactly right after those two things happened this person become more distant but we didn't lose all communications. Hmmm jealousy perhaps

[Psylocke]

I have yet to hear from this friend.. I've seen this person online a few times. I guess it's safe to say my happiness is this persons downfall. I don't understand the reasoning behind it but this is exactly the way I feel.

 

I want to send the following email but not sure if I should bother. Email as follows...

 

Well I don't know what to think anymore.. between you and (name withheld) it seems I've lost two friends. The latter doesn't have time for me so it seems and you have cut me off because I've gotten a new job and am not conveniently online to chat with during the day. I've seen you come online every now and then I've said hello and you do not answer. No email answers or phone calls returned. I think I've got the picture now.

 

If you're pissed at me, I haven't a clue what I have done. If you rather I keep my distance, your wish will be granted.

 

 

Should I bother sending this or should I write something more? I don't what a lengthy boring emotional email. That won't go over well.

[blender]

Well, IF you want to have contact with this "friend" then the very first thing to do is to know YOUR intention.. and to keep it to two or three lines at the most... so first may I ask what is your INTENTION in reaching out to her?

 

Depending on what your intention is, from what you've just said in your last post, it might be wise, mature, and kind to send something that shows YOUR caring, YOUR class, and YOUR confusion, so NO accusations, NO descriptions, NO assumptions, in what you write, but something more like this:

 

"I'm confused, I haven't heard from you at all, is everything okay? It would be so nice to know, get in touch when you have the chance. thanks (your name)"

[Psylocke]

After sleeping on it, I've decided to just let it go. No email is going to fix a broken friendship. I'm now glad I've woken up with a clear mind.