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How do I know if my ex is gay?

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Gay peeps, please weigh in. I don't want to bring this up to my gay friends 'cause they'd wonder why I am still thinking about my ex, who I broke up with six months ago, although I still might bring it up.


Mind you, he just turned 30 and is a businessman.


The case for:

1. He never wanted to have sex with me (once a month if I was lucky)

2. He would't cum when we were having sex unless I was doing oral/manual, and then only about half the time

3. He had a boss/mentor who was an older gay man for whom he felt what I would describe as an almost fatherly, worshipful love (he's moving accross the country to work for him again)

4. He met a younger bi guy on the internet, would spend all night doing coke with him (and the bi guy's girlfriend) and would chat with him at all hours of the day/night, developing an almost fatherly/mentor-ish role towards him

5. In the beginning of the relationship, he once told me that he thought I was beautiful and wonderful, but when it came down to it, he didn't want to have sex with me

6. He attended a couple sex parties and talked about them more than once, mentioning the fact that he was in the hot tub with naked men

7. He told me numerous times that he asked his fatherly gay mentor if he was attracted to him and why gay men didn't hit on him

8. When he started making a ton of money, he went right out and bought a fancy gym membership, a pair of sparkly sneakers, and several packs of designer underwear that emphasized his package

9. He describes his best (male) friend as his soulmate

10. He admitted to having sexual experiences with men but didn't go into detail


The case against:

1. After I dumped him, he started dating another woman immediately

2. He has only had relationships with women

3. He liked touching my breasts

4. We dated for three and a half years and he seemed to be in love with me for two of them

5. He would occasionally initiate sex

6. He lived in SF for a few years and didn't come out then. I figure if you're gonna realize you're gay, it'd be while living in SF, no?


You're probably wondering why I'm thinking about this six months after the fact. Well, I'm still on an e-mail list for his friends' parties. He writes the invitations. This showed up in my inbox today (edited for anonymity):


Jingles Bells Rock. Out. With your * * * * out... (NAME OF MY EX'S SOULMATE) is currently in a fun-induced coma and unavailable for comment, but when asked about the upcoming to-do, he became visibly erect. It is hoped (EDITED) will make a full recovery in time to stumble drunkenly through the bar, kissing people fully on the lips.



Would a straight man write this?


Why is this important to me, might you ask? If he's struggling with coming out, I can forgive him for how he treated me. Plus, we dated for so long I would like to know, if possible. I would like to understand what happened.


I thank you in advance for your input.

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Well I'm not gay and not a man so take or leave my input, but it does sound like he might be gay.


I had a boyfriend early last year who seemed gay in every way, except he had sex with women. He had full body waxing, he wore lots of tight shimmery clothing, he loved the Scissor Sisters and...well there was a lot. I think that he was gay, and certainly everyone I knew thought he was. He just hadn't admitted it to himself yet. He was 32. Now I would have thought he'd come out in the environments he was in, he ran nightclubs accross the world and had worked as a dancer also. But no. He had had a rather tough upbringing, in a tough part of the world, so perhaps that had had influence.


(Thing is, my example could also show that someone can look as though they're gay but they're not. I don't know what the end of the story is for that guy. But the simplest answer, hey?)


The email from your ex sounds like he's gay.


Oh, and a gay friend of ours loves boobs. He told my husband that all gay men love boobs, which I know is a gross generalisation but the point is still there.

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Actually the more I think about it the more confused I am. Maybe there are just people who sit mid-range in the spectrum, they do not fit our pre-destined views of how they should be if they say they're of a certain orientation.


Or maybe it really is the simplest answer is the right one.


The gay friend of ours didn't come out until his late 30s. Maybe it's just too hard to call?


I am also interested in what people who have dealt with this think.

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I know what you're saying, Caro. It's really, REALLY hard to tell.


If my ex had all the characteristics I described and enjoyed having sex with me, then I would NOT think he's gay. I'm in kind of an artsy-fartsy crowd and I certainly don't expect anyone to adhere to traditional gender roles. I made out with a girl two in college, whatever, par for the course.


Since my ex DID NOT like having sex with me and exhibited those behaviors, that's what gets me thinkin'.


I am dying to hear an actual gay man weigh in. I feel so stupid bringing this up to my gay friends, but it looks like I might have to...

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I'm seeing a guy who I suspect is gay as well. But then, I ALWAYS think guys are gay. It's a problem I have.


I think he's gay because gay guys are always hitting on him. Even right in front of me! We'll go on a date at a restaurant and the waiter will be flirting shamelessly with him. Also, he has a gay friend and that gay friend is convinced that he's gay. I've asked him several times and he insists that he's very comfortable with his sexuality, and not at all interested in men.


I know I've just hijacked your thread, but maybe the folks in here can give me their opinion?

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One of my best friends is straight and gets hit on by men all the darn time. Does your BF like having sex with you? If the answer is yes, he's straight, no doubt about it.


Mine didn't, hence the questions.


He's not my bf. We're just seeing each other. Never had sex. But he seems attracted to me.


You make me feel reassured.

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Well, do you happen to know he likes having sex with women? Because I had no way of knowing that mine didn't before we started having sex and he didn't really show much enthusiasm.


I wouldn't worry about it until (if?) you start sleeping together. That will make everything clear (if necessary).

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One of my best friends is straight and gets hit on by men all the darn time. Does your BF like having sex with you? If the answer is yes, he's straight, no doubt about it.


Mine didn't, hence the questions.


I think my maybe-gay ex was a good actor, I think he pretended he enjoyed sex with women as a way of fitting in. He used to ogle women really obviously, like neck craning, conversation stalling stuff. We'd go see movies and a hot woman would be on the screen and he would lean forward and audibly go 'corrr, yeaahh, mmmmm' and look at me to see if I saw his lascivious manly nature. Yawn. It was not at all insulting as I didn't believe it -he protested too much! I think it was a well practised act which he thought got him under the radar. Or gay-dar.


I have to say that if your ex couldn't even muster up a faked interest most of the time, who knows.


ACTUALLY I have read about people with no sex drive whatsoever, as in they have no sexual orientation, no interest. Who knows, maybe your ex is neither truly gay, bi OR straight. He could just enjoy gay culture/friends and be trying to get away with the bare minimum to look like he enjoys sex with SOMEONE.


Have a look at this - link removed

A UK survey of sexuality included a question on sexual attraction, and 1% of respondents replied that they had "never felt sexually attracted to anyone at all."

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He doesn't really look gay (I checked out his myspace) nor does he look really straight.... but the same goes for a lot of his friends on there... (including the one who the party was thrown for, who also states he's straight)... a lot of his friends seem really metro, artistisc and into artsy fartsy things... yet they all claim to be straight.


I think he's straight (or maybe bicurious) and just looks up to other men a lot, and maybe he just bonds really well with his male friends....


I don't understand why he wasn't into sex with you though. Maybe it's the commitment thing... it scares some people... or was he never interested?


I can understand that you really want to know... and how if he is it will make it easier for you because it will explain the way he was... but chances are you'll never find out so maybe it's better to just let it rest...


Take Care!

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He may have admitted it to himself and to his other friends, but he may not be ready to admit it to you. Being a lesbian, I can tell you that I had the feelings for 11 years before acting on them. And it was about 13-14 before I told even some of my closest friends. The only people that knew about my sexual preference for sure, were my new "friends".

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