A question for the lads: why make it harder for everyone by not being genuine?

[rosie76]

I'm new here and entirely new to dating having only ever had boyfriends who were friends first. I'm 30 and went without sex for most of 2 and a half years (very bad relationship to get over + all my mates now being paired up) but recently have tried a casual dating + sex thing and find I hated it. I don't hate that it's casual - I didn't want commitment with this person, but I did hate that when he didn't want any more, he cut off communication rather than just saying 'sorry, this isn't working out for me.' that's what made what had seemed warm and fun and honest seem really cheap and rubbish instead. I'm not certain how long it could have gone on (was only 3 weeks) without my feeling more attachment - which would have been a problem for me as we had really nothing in common - but really all I wanted at this point was companionship which was honest, respectful, and fun. When it turned out the other person wasn't being genuine though, it seemed really tawdry in retrospect - not because he was using me, since I wanted to be there and didn't want attachment, but because he obviously _thought_ he was using me or else surely he'd not have felt funny about breaking it off in a more respectful way.

 

He wanted to wait longer than I did to actually have intercourse, too, saying he'd not moved as quickly with anyone before, so he really didn't seem like a player. Yet he cut off communication entirely despite our having a frank discussion about how we'd just let the other know when we didn't want any more. I'm really confused and hurt. Are any guys reading and can you explain why you feel you have to fool us to get us to sleep with you? Many of us want to sleep with you while dating casually and are willing to be honest about it if we become emotionally attached so long as you're honest with us and gentle about breaking things off. What's the benefit to you of being so cold - it only ups the chance of messy post-break up anger and retribution and you guarantee that the other person will feel cheap rubbish about themselves. Honestly, is that part of the fun of it for you? I'm really curious to know this, as I just can't understand why this guy would take the harder painful way out when there were virtually effortless, much less painful alternatives.

 

From reading these threads it seems this sort of thing is really common - and if this is the bread and butter of dating, I want nothing of it. How depressing.

[annie24]

welcome to enotalone.

 

I don't think this is only something that some men do, I think women do it too. Some people are just afraid of confrontation, he maybe was afraid you might cry or get upset, so he decided to just not contact you at all. If you are going to be bed buddies with someone, you need someone who is direct and honest, so maybe you dodged a bullet having things end sooner rather than later.

 

good luck

[Beec]

I don't know why, and I don't think I ever will, it is difficult to do the dumping in such circumstances, but it is. I have had casual things with women, but I think something changes in everyone's minds after the intercourse begins. it seems to me that when it happens, the women always eem to act as if it might be, if it could be, just maybe, more than just sex. And the man feels at first great, cause he got some, then the novelty wears off, and he is getting something for nothing, and it's value begins to drop, and he just does not want it, and often he does not know why. I think the why is because we really do not want something for nothing, we want something for something.

 

I had something once casual that did not involve intercourse, and it was ok. Yes, it left me wanting more sexually, but it did not leave me wanting to get away because I no longer wanted someone sexually with whom I had been having sex. It left me wanting more, but it also felt good to have someone give you some sexual attention. We were friends before it happened, we knew we were not suitable for each other in a long term relationship, and we only met infrequently, like once a month max. One thos terms, it was nice for a while. And we still have some friendship, despite it having ended over a decade ago.

[rosie76]

Cheers, and yeah you're right probably it's silly to say this is a lads thing - though I have seen alot of threads along the lines of 'why doesn't he call'? I'm almost certainly better off out of it earlier - but do feel I've been treated really disrespectfully and it makes everything that seemed nice about it seem rotten. Not great for self confidence going onto the dating scene either. No one can cry or get upset at you if you just text 'sorry, its not working out for me' - they can then call you or email you asking for explanations, but just the same thing will happen if you just blank the person, won't it? and if the person's NOT going to cry and get upset, ignoring them just makes them feel like chit for not good reason and makes the whole thing look not mutual, which hurts a lot. Also, while I didn't want a long-term thing, it wasn't bed-buddies either - guess it was a trying it out to see if we got on sort of thing, but very lightweight, I thought. The incompatibilities were obvious so I assumed no one was thinking long term. Maybe it all went haywire by being intimate too quickly, but I liked him and it all seemed quite, well, friendly. Sorry to rattle on - but I guess that's what these things are for - but I realized at the time I had no idea what was and wasn't ok in terms of expecting him to be in touch or to see him again or to be able to call him. He stopped calling after I tried calling and then sent a few late night texts on the way home for a Christmas do (UK Christmas dos = loads of booze). I was just happy and keen to chat with him, and we'd been exchanging texts on and off so I didn't think this was weird at all - I was thinking of him like a friend although I realize now I didn't really know him so that's maybe that felt like too much to him. Then again, this was after three weeks and he texted me after five days to say he'd had a bad day at work and angling to come round 'for a cuddle'. I guess I just really don't understand how any of this works, and have ended up feeling pretty demoralized about dating.

[rosie76]

Thanks a lot, that's an honest answer and it makes a lot of sense in this situation as he didn't feel as comfortable with the sex as I did at all. I'd never have thought of it this way and that really helps it to seem less rubbish and incomprehensible. This my first ever internet forum usage, too, and it's not half bad. Thanks again!

[rosie76]

Whoops - didn't realize you have to say _who_ you're talking to! Thanks, Beec.

[Beec]

You're welcome.

 

Welcome to enotalone. Stick around.

[rosie76]

Don't know if you ever look back on these things after you post, but I've been thinking about your answer and it occurs to me that saying you want to give something for something assume the woman isn't getting anything out of it if it's not leading onto a relationship. I really enjoyed being with this guy and think I got just as much out of what there was as he did. Sex wasn't a reward or a gift, it was just what I (and it really was only I that ever wanted to get on to the main event, I realize now) wanted after enjoying several nice hours of cuddling. Anyway, your answer still makes a lot of sense to me.

[Day_Walker]

Well personally, I am honest about my intentions, which isnt really expected from the female gender. Guys lie for different reasons maybe they just want to accomplish something, maybe they are just into another girl. The point is that there are going to be many reasons out there. I would suggest that you adjust your radar and look for more mature men who dont play those kind of games.

[Beec]

If you really want something casual, look for:

 

1. Someone with who you will not and cannot ever have anything long term. This may be you seeking somene much older, much younger, of a different faith that prevents you from considering marriage, or a different race or ethnicity if it really matters to both of you, someone too short or too tall or wahtever, but make sure you both know it won't happen long term;

 

2. Be friends, literally make it happen with someone you share some interests with, someone with whom you can bond, and preferably with someone who is already something of a friend;

 

3. Do not have all meetings lead to sexual activity, sometimes just be friends;

 

4. No ____ING, limit the sexual activity so that it does not invovle gential to genital contact. Get naked and lick each other all over if you so wish, work on the fancy finger action and practice for hours, but no _____ing. Sexual intercourse opens too many potential problems. A man wants her and has sex with her, and then for the next three weeks wonders if she is pregnant. Worry about it a few times and then you decide the sex with her is not worth the worry. NO ____ing, even if one of you needs to go home and wank the next day;

 

5. Keep the sexual activity infrequent. Anything more than every two weeks is probably too frequent. If you do it too often, you will soon not want it;

 

6. Have dates, do things, even if you are strictly an "indoor" relationship, go over, make dinner together, watch a movie, then get naked. Dates give the casual thing an air of some interest; and

 

6. Maintain plausible deniability. Your cars should not be parked in each other's driveways overnight, you should not have clear signs one of you is staying with the other, don't get introduced as a boyfriend or girlfriend.

[Goldfish6888]

Hi Rosie76

 

I also have been recently plunging back into the dating scene and finding it stressful following a long time of celibacy. I went on a date with a guy about 3 weeks ago - it all went well, we kissed and it was passionate and nice.

 

I went home to his house and slept (no intercourse or petting or anything), in his bed - just sleeping! He drove me to work the next day and vowed to meet up on Sat. We didn't meet up as he promised, but he kept in contact by phone. We then met (quite accidentally) for a cinema date to see Bond, the following week which again went well and was fun. But now he has evaporated into thin air.

 

One minute he was texting me "how I was....how is my weekend" and what he was going to buy me for a Christmas pressie and next minute he's in the Bermuda Triangle.

 

I read this book recently and the thing about males and females is we just don't think the same at all. And often we mistake attraction as a connection - when in fact all it is an attraction.

 

We tend to jump in and think about them and their responses way too much, whereas if you think about it logically and not in the female way, it becomes less drama. We expect them to measure up to our communication standards and they dont! Men don't always respond to text messages, but if they are interested, they definitely respond to lack of response!!

 

I do think definitely the magnet thing does work - when you pull back they come back to you. It's not playing games if you look at frpm the perspective of taking time out to figure out if he is good enough for you and if he is the kind of person you might want to spend your precious time with.

 

Another book I read talked about women being the selectors and men the selectees. That the women is in control - when she does this and this is the age old biological nature's way.

 

ARGH! I guess I'm viewing it from a different viewpoint now, I'm not taking it personally now that I've not heard from my datee. I'm moving on and getting on with meeting the next candidate.

 

Kick them to the curb if they are not matching up to your behaviour. But men really think nothing of not contacting someone in a week - they can't multi task, so if their mind is on work - its on work and not you - I'm afraid.