Overly Paranoid?

[nyconfused27]

Well where do I start..

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 and a half years. We have overall had a great relationship except for the fact that he cheated on me once last summer after I went away for an extended period of time. He has since made it up to me. I have always been the jealous type. I cannot stand for him to have female friends, and I do not have any male friends. I simply cannot handle the jealoisy as wrong as it may be. Normally my boyfriend is always very cooperative, if I tell him I'm jealous or uncomfortable about him doing something he stops doing it. However, last night we got into the topic of driving members of the opposite sex places if they need rides, and also have lunch with female co-workers. I am uncomfortable with both of these scenarios unless the person desperately needs a ride and the lunch is a business lunch. We ended up in a huge argument where it ended up being that I told him I could not handle if he did either of those, and since he told me he would not change his opinion and continue doing it we broke up. Am I completely wrong? I feel that I have changed many of my views and opinions to fit our relationship. I mean I changed my opinions on what I would do if my boyfriend cheated, and forgave him for it. I don't see why he would continue this knowing it bothers me. I know I am jealous but am i completely wrong here?

[TheRedQueen]

I feel that I have changed many of my views and opinions to fit our relationship. I mean I changed my opinions on what I would do if my boyfriend cheated, and forgave him for it. I don't see why he would continue this knowing it bothers me. I know I am jealous but am i completely wrong here?

The only thing you might be wrong on here is thinking that this relationship was a good fit to begin with. Your deference to your boyfriend is unfortunately indicative of the workings of an unhealthy relationship, one in which there lacks a fair give-and-take, and mutual regard between two equals. Who knows, perhaps this break-up is a blessing in disguise.

[ForAnother]

Sounds like he doesn't thoroughly care about your opinion in this matter.

 

I'm kind of bitter right now, but if I were you I'd say "f this im out".

 

He has other women on his mind. It is there and I'm sure he looks at other girls and wonders if he would date them if he wasn't dating you. that is how i started to feel during one of my relationships... and I started "looking around".

 

I think he is looking around.

 

-ForAnother

[bitbit]

i would never be comfortable with my boyfriend having lunch with another woman, just him and her. i don't care if she's 50, if she's married, if she's ugly... i wouldn't stand for it. that alone would be reason to break up with him in my eyes. if i didn't break up with him, i sure as hell would do the same thing to show him what it feels like. often times guys don't understand what would make them feel jealous until it's done to them

[Honey Pumpkin]

I think you're being unreasonable, sorry. It's sort of insulting to be told that you can't risk being alone in the car or at lunch without being tempted to rip their clothes off and ravish them etc.

 

I have many male friends who I have met up with for years for coffee, lunch, and yes, car rides. I would be so insulted if their partners assumed there was a sexual tension there.

 

And I think anyone who is controlling to that extent - well, either you'll end up with a trained puppy obedient to your every whim, or someone who will break up with you because they cannot take being controlled to such a degree.

 

If you suffer from jealousy, I'm sorry but I honestly don't think the answer is in fencing your partner away from all possible temptation. That doesn't address the core issue of trust. Just my thoughts.

[aymee_lee]

I agree with HoneyPumpkin. I know it can be hard to think about your bf spending time alone with other women, and I guess it's even harder for you to accept, as you don't have any male friends to balance it out. But I personally have male friends that I catch up with and we are simply friends. If I ever think 'Hey, you're my bf, but you're having lunch with another girl' then I try and take a step back and think 'If I can have male friends and it's ok, I'm sure he can have female friends too'.

 

It's about trust. You should trust him. If he doesn't want to be with you, or he wants to cheat, he will. Barring him from talking to any other girl besides you won't stop it, it will only make him think you're very controlling.

 

I'm not saying that I don't get jelous, and it IS a hard emotion to overcome, but a lifetime of no friends of the opposite sex is difficult and probably not that exciting. If you don't trust him, get out. If you do, then try to stop worrying.

[locolady]

hmmmm i'm in 2 minds - i suffer with jealousy myself so i totally understand how awful it makes you feel. I think the issue here is that he has cheated on you in the past and you chose to forgive him (something i could never do) thereforeeee if he wants to keep you he should be more flexible. Yes, in an ideal world we could all spend time with friends of the opposite sex but he has shown himself to be untrustworthy so he should accept that you are going to want to be a bit more careful.

 

HOWEVER, i actually think this is the reason why relationships can rarely work after someone has cheated (i ended a 4 year relationship last year when my ex cheated, i still hurt so much, i'd do anything to have him back but i know i couldnt forgive him - i would be crazy, i'd want to ban him from speaking to other girls, it could never be the same, it wouldnt be a good relationship) once trust is gone, its gone.

 

I think blessing in disguise this time, let him go......BUT in your next relationship i think you should consider being much more openminded about his female friends. I honestly understand how much jealousy destroys you but its not good to try to control your partner and millions and millions of people have totally plutonic relationships with members of the opposite sex.

 

Having trust in a relationship is a truly amazing thing....its difficult to achieve (and i dont know if i'll ever do it myself again after being so badly betrayed in the past) but when you have a relationship that is based on trust and love, it feels incredible - you have to give someone a chance to prove that they are worthy of that trust, a relationship that feels constantly under threat, is subject to controls and limits all the time, will never fulfill you in the same way. I know its so hard to get there, but i think you should let this guy go and try to be more open next time.

 

(im being hypocritial here because ive actually just posted about my own jealousy! im simply saying the ideal action and not what i think i am myself capable of! ;-)

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

You are wrong for thinking he can't have female friends! NOT healthy, missy, I'm afraid.

 

Yet, I can see why you'd be paranoid if he cheated on you. The question, I guess, is can you REALLY forgive and forget?

[Lost in fairytales]

I also agree on that having lunch and giving rides to other female is okay. If you have faith in your boyfriend, then you shouldn't worry about things like that.

 

Then again, occasional lunch is okay. Blowing you off for a lunch with another female friend is not acceptable unless she's in some serious problem/trouble. As for rides, same goes. Rides everyday and she's not his way home, that may indicate trouble.

 

But i think it's important that you let him have his female friends. You probably won't like it if he won't let you get in touch with your male friends.

[yeawutever]

There's abosolutely nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite. If I was exactly like you, I would already lose my b/f in seconds. If you're still paranoid over the fact that he cheated last year, it means you haven't forgiven him whihc in turns means that the relationship was over a long time ago.

From what you're writing, that's not love, that was clingyness. Overly jealous means there's no trust and without that, there's nothing left.

[Rabican]

given the fact that he showed he is not entirely faithful and trustworthy... no i dont think you are wrong.

 

I would simply tell him that I felt it was NOT OK for him to be alone with any other girls PERIOD. If you cannot agree, then its time to figure out of this relationship should continue.

[Rabican]

I think you're being unreasonable, sorry. It's sort of insulting to be told that you can't risk being alone in the car or at lunch without being tempted to rip their clothes off and ravish them etc.

 

If you suffer from jealousy, I'm sorry but I honestly don't think the answer is in fencing your partner away from all possible temptation. That doesn't address the core issue of trust. Just my thoughts.

 

I disagree with the first part. Her partner cheated.. showing he is not trustworthy in that regard. I think the best thing he could do to SHOW that he is trustworthy from here out would be to keep himself out of any situations that could become compromising.

 

I agree with the second part. Putting a leash on your partner will not 'fix' their desires, or ability to cheat. Thats something that has to be fixed some other way, or if it cannot be fixed... move on.