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He wants to straddle the fence!!!

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Sorry but he just doesn't sound up to what you want, and he's told you that. Everything you said points to an easy answer, but one that I imagine is causing you some grief and is unpalatable. He's being selfish to offer to come back to you on these terms - he can't absolve himself of the requirement to be a 100% husband and father if that's what he's coming back to try for.


It sounds like you will be compromising yourself and ultimately will be disappointed if you accept this situation.

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I think this is actually a pretty simple situation with complicated outcomes.


Basically I think your ex sees you and the kids as his anchoring point, something to give him stability and respectability. But he also loves his single lifestyle.


He may compromise short term but this guy is not a good bet. I get that you believe you love him but wonder if there is not an element of convenience in that.


I think if you go ahead with reconciling you will be back to separated within a year or two. Personally I don't think it is worth it.

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He seems very clear on stating his needs, and I think you should be as clear about stating yours. If you are ok with his partying with girls (and it sounds like you aren't), then be ok with it and don't make demands for him to stop. If that is an unacceptible situation for you, then tell him so, and that until it stops completely and forever, you will not see him again. Period.


You deserve better than this. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. You seem to know exactly what you want, while he is still straddling that fence. Push him off the other side and tell him that he has to stay there until he is ready to join you on the other side, and then walk away from it.

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You can turn the tables on him and tell him you're not ready either, to be played that is. His freedom and taste for the single life are his only possible needs for an apartment of his own. He is skirting his obligations to his children and I'm sure he will continue to put his needs ahead of everyone else's. I realize and respect that you would like to put the family back together but it takes a solid mutual commitment and I don't see that here. Tell him to go enjoy his freedom and if he continues to violate the mandated child support, he may not have a choice as to whom his next roommate will be!



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I told him if we make a go of it, it has to be all or nothing, because its not fair to the children or me every time he decides to come and go. I tried to put my foot down about how I felt and what I expected of him as a husband and a father. He told me that's the way things NEED to be and I have to accept it, or else it could never work. It seems like he wants to have the best of both worlds. What the hell am I supposed to make of this situation?? I love him and I do want to make it work, but I can't handle him toying with our emotions any longer.


I would tend to agree with you, that, especially with the children involved, that this has to be an all or nothing situation. The fact that he does not want to give up his separate living arrangements tells me a few things, that either he does not want to give up the single lifestyle and commit 100%, or that he has doubts that trying to work things out will succeed.


I would tend to agree with melrich on this one, that without 100% effort and commitment on his part, I don't see this working out for you.

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This is especially difficult because there are children involved. In response to RC's comment, I really don't think he cares or is afraid of what will happen if he continues his game. In his eyes, he thinks he is a good father and says the kids are fine with all of this. Once again he is taking on a selfish perspective. He tells me that I am the most beautiful woman he has ever seen, he loves me and wants to work things out, but only on his terms! What a catch, eh?!


Yes, he's quite the big fish. Maybe he's having some kind of adolescent turn and he's decided he can merge it into his life with you. Good for him.


You've answered own own question haven't you? What's your next move?

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I told him that until he is ready to give 100% into this relationship, I don't want anything to do with him or his games. I'm not going to be waiting in the side lines while he makes up his mind. In the mean time, it would really suck for him if someone gets what he couldn't hold onto! What a wake up call that'll be! Unfortunately, I can't cut all ties because of the kids. I am still very hurt by everything he has said and done!


That sounds like you have done the right thing, and this must be hard given the no doubt conflicting and powerful emotions this would raise.

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In the mean time, it would really suck for him if someone gets what he couldn't hold onto! What a wake up call that'll be! !







It is a very normal reaction to think that way, but please please please do not get involved with someone else yet. You need time to heal yourself and get over this relationship before you are ready to try it again. If you jump out there too soon, you are setting yourself (and some unsuspecting guy) up for a rebound relationship, and those can be extremely painful and will only delay your dealing with the grief of this relationship.


I wish you all the best.

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