my boyfriend goes on vacations with his female friend

[loveattack]

First i would like to say hi to all the members of this forum

 

I have a 6 months relationship with a really good guy. We live in different cities but the distance is short (about an hour by car) so we have the chance to meet each other every weekend. We spend great time together and he hasn't given me any reason to feel bad. This summer we went two weeks vacations in romantic Italy. Everything was super dooper great until he announced that his female friend (who hasn't seen her for two years& she is from abroad) comes to Greece to go on vacations with him. He has talked to me about her several times, how good communication they have, how best friend he considers her and that he went on vacation with her before two years (in the same time that he had a girlfriend). She calls him several times to say "hi". Now she wants again to go on vacations with him and she doesn't care if she will make problem to our relationship. Perhaps this version doesn't cross her mind (i can't blame her). My boyfriend told me that he would like me to meet them in the weekend. Something impossible because i am working.

 

In the beginning i didn't mention anything about the annoyance that i felt because i trust him and i don't want to spoil his vacations with her. Saying that i don't like my boyfriend to go on vacations with another woman (even if she is the best friend) wouldn't change the fact or my feelings. One day his friend calls him and she says that she is not coming because she didn't find a ticket back. When i heard the news i felt relief and i told him how i felt about that. He told me that there was nothing to worry about and i should tell him how i feel. Few days after his friend called him again to say that she finally found the ticket back so she is coming. My reaction was very mild i think. I told him: "I don't like that but i don't have serious problem. I believe if you were in the same position with me you wouldn't like that either". He told me something like he would not feel bad if he was in the same situation. He advised me to be more openminded and to trust him more. I asked him time to think what i shall do and if i want my boyfriend to act like that.

 

Please tell me: did i overreact? How should i face this fact? I am not jealous of his friend perhaps because i don't find her prettier than me. But i feel confused. Perhaps women in Greece are more possessive. My friends believe that this is out of the normal things.

 

I would like to read your advices.

Thank you in advance.

 

Loveattack

[charmed]

Hi Love attack,

 

Whether you are comfortable with the situation is the point here. He has done nothing here to help you feel more comfortable with this other than saying "get more openminded" - while you did voice your concerns in a normal way to him which pretty much made way for his response which was poor !!

 

Some people are OK with this situation - others are not - and in a relationship, partners should respect the others views and concerns - whether they believe that it is normal or not. Where I come from , most girlfriends would have a big problem with this - in fact, I would have a big problem with this.

 

The question is - do you actually trust him? If you do, then there should be no problem here. If you believe that he tells the truth to you, then you should relax and let him spend time with his friend. He should however do something to make you feel a bit more at ease with the situation.

 

 

Hope this helps you some,

 

~Charmed~

[Happy_Go_Lucky_Heb]

Yes i kno what it's like 2 b jealous, especially in a relationship where u are slightly more apart than u should me from each other. All i can really say is trust the guy (if u've known him 4 a while like my gf i kno i can totally trust her). It is hard 2 trust someone and it's ok 2 trust someone but yet have doubts, it's our natural instincts.

 

Sure there could b a massive problem which may occur in the future but think about it this way, u really can't do much wifout hurting his feelings, he's been friends with her for such a long time, and even tho the percentages of somethin happenin between them is quite high. If u 2 were meant 2 b, it'll still b like that no matter what.

 

Try not 2 think about it so much and think about him instead.

 

Happy Heb

[loveattack]

Dear charmed,

 

Thank you a lot for your reply

The problem is that I do trust him but I cannot understand why he lets his "spiritual join" with that girl hurt my feelings. His ex gf had problem with that but she didn't express herself, as he told me. She preferred to be mean for revenge.

Hey I have male friends too but none of them would ask me to go on vacations with him.

I am wondering how much I value in his life. Should I settle with his needs?

[charmed]

Hey Loveattack,

 

It is you that is letting this hurt your feelings here ! If you trust him, and if they go away and come back and there has been nothing between them that you consider unappropriate, then would you have a problem? Probably not. I agree that he should make an effort to make you feel more comfortable, and you do too.

 

Do you love this guy? If so, then you need to trust him properly - I suspect that you don't trust him 101%. You seem to be a person that has a problem with your partner going on holidays with a friend of the opposite sex. What exactly is it about their going on holidays that gets to you? Is it the sex, or simply that they spend quality time together?

[loveattack]

Dear Happy_Go_Lucky_Heb,

 

Thank you for your reply

I am not in the mood to break up with him. He was so nice all the time. But I want to show him my feelings. His freedom to make whatever he wants decreases mine. I am afraid that she is like a second girlfriend (all the things we do together except of sex).

But I admit you are right: I should stop thinking about it so much.

[loveattack]

Is it the sex, or simply that they spend quality time together?

Yes it is the quality time. I keep mine for my boyfriend. Should wait from him the same or am I selfish?

[charmed]

Loveattack,

 

OK - Would there be a problem if he went away with a male friend for a few days? I think not. If it truly is just the quality time, do you guys not have other interests outside the relationship or is it just with this holiday thing that you have a problem with? If you don't like him doing anything outside the relationship, that could be an issue, if it is just to do with him spending time with another woman, I think that you are jealous and possibly not as trusting and secure in your relationship as you should be.

 

If your relationship is to stand any test of time, you are going to need to understand that your boyfriend, like you, needs to experience relationships (friendly) with other people - both male and female. That is life, and it would be selfish to try and keep him all to yourself. Maybe he gives you reason to feel like you do? The bottom line is that he doesn't seem to think that it is a problem, and after talking to him you know this. He is not willing to change as he sees nothing to actually change here. So I guess it is down to you. Are you willing to let him go on holidays and enjoy himself without you with his friends, or not?

 

~Charmed~

[loveattack]

Of course I wouldn't demand to change any of his preferences. But in the same time I am changing mine. I will do it because i love him.

He is a free person to do anything he wants. But I am not. I would not ask paying backs but you know I feel that strange mood of insecure.

[sabena]

Ok, having personally just gone through something similar where my bf went away for weekends with a female friend of ours, sharing tents and so on. I can say that I don't think that you are reacting at all.

 

In fact me and my bf ended up splitting up for 3 weeks because of it, and during that time she (the "friend") admitted to him that she liked him. Now, fair enough she waited for us to break up before admitting this, but it highlighted to both of us that even though I trusted him and knew that he did not do anything, this did not mean to say that she was not thinking of getting it on with him.

 

As it happened he asked me back but I have put my foot down on the weekends away with female friends, trust or not, it is not going to happen. And, your bf will say to you that he would feel ok with you going away with a male friend...because he knows that you won't.

 

You need to sit him down and talk to him, and explain really why you don't like this, maybe you should even talk to this girl and just check her out. Have you met her yet? Maybe you need to meet her to fully trust them both.

[loveattack]

And, your bf will say to you that he would feel ok with you going away with a male friend...because he knows that you won't.

I strongly believe the same. You are right.

Thank you a lot for your help