Am I Being Selfish?

[hurtingrl]

Thanks in advance because I know this is long. I broke it up into sections to be easier to read, but I need opinions please.

 

Background/Break-up I had been with this guy for 8 months and we broke up in June. It was one of those quick whirlwind relationships where we fell in love quicky, met each others families etc. However, my depression and other things I had bottled up for years starting taking a toll on our relationship. After a couple months of us both being unhappy, I broke it off.

 

I so wanted to lean on him to help me but I knew it wasn't fair to him. I was depressed and needed to do it on my own. However, I know that this hurt him very badly.....

 

Post Break-up It was a wake up call for me, I knew that this was a great guy and unless I worked on myself I would repeat this story again. So I started going to therapy, took up new hobbies, made new friends, figured out the direction of my career, etc and am definitely improving myself.

 

Meeting for the first time As far as us, he wanted to meet in August or so with the disclaimer "I don't know what I want from this". We met up twice and things were great (no hook ups) but I told him it's not healthy for us to be in this limbo. We both agreed that we initiated contact too soon and we both had our guards up. He said "I don't want to have you hanging and wait for me to get my act together and try this." So we agreed to move on but keep in touch as friends via e-mail.

 

We've e-mailed each other about once a month with light chat/catch up. I've met other guys with the intention of just having a good time in the mean time. However, the more that I had time to think about things I can't get this guy out of my head. You know how it is: thinking about all of the good things, etc. But I feel like with all the other self-improvement things I have been undertaking, it's a perfect time to start my life fresh in 2007.

 

Back to the present So back to my initial question. I sent him a long e-mail asking if we could get closure and cut off things starting in January. I have been struggling with not talking about how I feel because I don't want him to deal with it on top of anything else (he is trying to figure out his own life and career). I just want him to be happy and I know that he wants to stay in touch as friends. But for me it's too hard.

 

Major points of the e-mail

• As much as I want the best for him in his life, I think I need to have the faith that it will happen without any contact
  
• I know he likes his life right now (being single) so I asked him a favor to give me closure
  
• As much as I would like to try again I know it's too soon for the both of us and I can't hold on to a hope that it will work someday for me to totally heal
  
• I've come a long way but as much I miss him....it's not fair to him if I'm not totally better
  
• He is the first ex that I have not had ill feelings towards which makes it harder for me
  
• I almost want him to say "I've moved on, it will never work" (even if it's a lie)
  
• I want to make sure he also has an opportunity to say anything he always wanted to after I hurt him
  
• I gave him three options 1) Meet up in person to talk about everything and allow him to discuss whatever he needs to 2) He can respond in a last e-mail with whatever he needs to 3) Take my e-mail as a good-bye and good luck

Thoughts? Did I pressure him to cut things off and am being selfish? I know we are both mature adults that could be friends (this is the first break-up that had no emotional begging, calls, etc on either side, we both gave each other space)...

 

I seriously care for him more than anything and I've haven't been getting sleep over this.....

[Orlander]

I think maybe it is best to focus on yourself right now. You are in a good position if you truly feel like you want him to be happy. You've said it was too hard for you to be his friend and with good reason too.

 

I think you already know what you have to do and the new year seems a good time to do it.

 

 

Orlander

[hurtingrl]

Thank you.

 

So if he really understands and cares for me too he won't be mad that I am cutting it off?

[DN]

Are you quite sure that both of you would not rather be together in a good and healthy relationship?

[Ellie2006]

Hurtingrl,

 

I mean *NO* disrespect to you.

 

But I do not understand: are you CERTAIN that you want to cut things off with him?

 

Maybe I am being dense (Sorry in advance if I am) but if you guys were already in LC, why was it necessary to send him this email asking for a complete cut off?

 

Why not implement NC yourself and perhaps explain the reason to him why it's necessary for you to do so? Why leave the decision up to him? How is he supposed to respond to this?

 

H, I do not mean to step on your toes so please excuse me if I have ...

BUT again if I may ask: are you certain that you want to completely cut things off with him?

[hurtingrl]

Ellie and DN

 

Don't worry about stepping on my toes, if I just wanted head nods of agreement then I'd talk to some of my friends. Here I definitely want the truth and outside opinions

 

To answer your question: I absolutely want to be in a healthy relationship but think I'm not ready...I'm afraid that I'll go into the same pattern. I love this guy and feel like he deserves someone better than the person that I am right now.

 

As far as the LC thing and then just making NC: The last time we chatted, he said he'd give me another call in January...I know in the back of my mind that I'm hoping that it will lead to something eventually and I just can't take it. I want to leave the decision up to him because I feel like I owe him that. I was the one who broke it off in the summer and didn't give him an option. In fact, he was coming back from a trip and I broke it off before he came back into town (a reason he probably wanted to just see me in August).

 

So part of me doesn't want to repeat that because I know it hurt him so much.

[DN]

What will happen when you are ready for a relationship and you realise that you lost the one relationship that could have made both of you happy?

[hurtingrl]

Also, as far as how he can respond: I gave him the option of not responding at all and telling him in advance that I would be okay with that.

 

The intent was to give him options because maybe he wants to talk in person, maybe he doesn't.....as long as he gets out whatever he needs to if he feels like that is something he wants to do....

 

Trying not to be selfish....

[Ellie2006]

I was the one who broke it off in the summer and didn't give him an option.

 

H, I totally understand where you're coming from; you care about him and don't want to hold him back from living his life and you don't want to be stuck in limbo thinking about whether or not there's ever going to be a possibility of you two getting back together ...

 

You say that you want to give him an option: But what options are you really giving him?

 

He can choose to either:

a) lie and tell you that he's with someone else to give you closure

 

OR

 

b) insist that you guys maintain LC but feeling guilty bc he is fully aware that what you're basically saying is that contact with him is hurting you

[hurtingrl]

What will happen when you are ready for a relationship and you realise that you lost the one relationship that could have made both of you happy?

 

I don't know....

 

But what if I'm not ready and I screw up this relationship again? Right now I know he still has his guard up. Are you suggesting I wait more time since both of us said we are not ready right now? Time is torture....

[hurtingrl]

You say that you want to give him an option: But what options are you really giving him?

 

He can choose to either:

a) lie and tell you that he's with someone else to give you closure

 

OR

 

b) insist that you guys maintain LC but feeling guilty bc he is fully aware that what you're basically saying is that contact with him is hurting you

 

This is totally fair, so I guess the answer to my question is that yes I am being selfish as much as I'm trying not to be.....

[Ellie2006]

H, no, I was not at all trying to place blame on you. Sorry if my post came accross that way

 

I guess what I was trying to say was maybe you should give him option c): have the opportunity to discuss the future of your relationship TOGETHER...

 

You two sound like very compassionate caring people: if he wants to wait for you while you heal, shouldn't he be given that as an option as well?

 

What do you think?

[Ellie2006]

Also, this is *my* two cents worth and I may be reaching here but I really don't believe you would be happy if he actually chose option a) ...

[hurtingrl]

 

I guess what I was trying to say was maybe you should give him option c): have the opportunity to discuss the future of your relationship TOGETHER...

 

You two sound like very compassionate caring people: if he wants to wait for you while you heal, shouldn't he be given that as an option as well?

 

What do you think?

 

So I think that I could give him that option.....another dilemma though, I'm sure he read my e-mail already since I sent it on Friday Night and is already mulling it over. Another reason I hurt him so badly is that I would go back and forth at the end: I want to try, no I don't want to hurt you, you are the one thing keeping me going, no - that isn't fair to you, etc

 

So what's the best way to relay this without his hurt related to those things coming rushing back. I'm afraid he'll be like, "I definitely don't want to go through that again...."

[hurtingrl]

Also, this is *my* two cents worth and I may be reaching here but I really don't believe you would be happy if he actually chose option a) ...

 

Ellie,

 

You are right, however I swear to you that me being upset over it would not outweigh the fact that he is happy and good things are happening in his life.

 

Sounds so cheesy but I know I love him so much that I would really want what's best for him whether he were with me or not (I know everyone can gag here). He is a good person, it would be easier if he was a jerk.

 

And you're right - I don't think that I want him to say he's with someone else, but the intent was more for him to say "I can never be with you," whether he was with someone else or not.

[Ellie2006]

H, I understand where you're coming from but am still disconcerted by the fact that you think his happiness outweighs yours: i.e. you would willingly choose to be unhappy if he could be happy.

 

C'mon now, shouldn't you be looking out for number one right now: YOU!

 

On a separate note, I totally hear ya about wishing our exes could be a jerk sometimes!

The benefits of aversion therapy was totally lost on me bc I had little to work with

[finewhine]

What a rational, considerate, mature, nice person you are! I think your e-mail is evidence of that! As Orlander said, you know what to do and don't worry about him.

 

If he's half as together as you are, he won't react badly to the e-mail.

 

You weren't being selfish. You were pressuring him to cut things off for now (in one way or another) but that's absolutely the right thing to do.

 

If and when you can be friends, it will make itself evident.

[hurtingrl]

H, I understand where you're coming from but am still disconcerted by the fact that you think his happiness outweighs yours: i.e. you would willingly choose to be unhappy if he could be happy.

 

 

Thanks for thinking about me first! However, I don't think of it as choosing to be unhappy, instead it's more like something that will sting at first but ultimately turn into me being happy for him....so idealistic sometimes

 

 

If he's half as together as you are, he won't react badly to the e-mail.

 

 

 

Thanks finewhine, I really hope so.....

 

I'll keep everyone posted to let you know if I hear anything from him. From past experience he is one to absorb and take time to figure out how to respond without acting too quickly. If I don't hear from him by the time the new year rolls around, at least I'll have said everything I wanted to in the e-mail and will be able to move forward....

[Ellie2006]

Hey H!

Remember we're here for you if you need to talk!

 

Sending best wishes your way ...

E

[Openheart1]

hurtingirl,

 

To be as blunt as possible, I think it is extremely selfish of you should make an effort to keep him in your life after you broke up with him, then ask him to come meet you for YOU to get closure. It sounds like you are looking for emotional support. Having gone through having my ex girlfriend use me for emotional support after our break up then deciding to go NC, it is incredibly manipulative and cruel. Plain and simple, if you break up with him, you do not have the privilege of getting closure from anywhere but inside yourself. If I were him, I would tell you to never contact me again and it is shameful you kept him tagging him along only to break up with him again. The fact is, hurtingirl, you already broke this relationship off, which essentially destroyed a great deal that was between the two of you. You chose to take that risk that you may lose him, so I'd suggest live with your decision. Regarding wait more time, what good will that do when you know already what you want to do, namely drop him from your life? It seems you are looking for sympathy from the one source you do not deserve sympathy from, namely him. I would say you are quite lucky if he serves as an emotional crutch for you.

[hurtingrl]

Thanks Openheart for your comments.

 

I do appreciate an opinion of someone who has been in a similar situation on the other side.

 

I think our issue was a little bit more mutual than yours, but I do wish you the best of luck because it sounds like you are still hurting badly from your ex.

 

I don't know if I would consider this situation needing him for emotional support either. After we broke up, neither of us contacted each other for two months. We then met twice at his request and discussed at the time that it was too soon, we both had our guard up and decided to keep in touch as friends. We stuck to that. In any of my emotional times where I was dying to call him to help me I picked up the phone and called a friend instead. However, at this point in time I do believe that we need to cut things off. From your perspective, it sounds like he is way more hurt than I am; I'm now more convinced so it would be best for him as well.

 

I also thinking that I was destroying the relationship while we were together by being depressed and dragging him down; breaking up with him was hard to do because I wanted to have him help me so badly...we both realized that my issues were beyond his help alone and it frustrated him that he couldn't fix things. I feel like breaking up with him may have been better for him than slowly "destroying" what we had in a more painful fashion.

 

Feel free to elaborate on your explanation. The last thing I want to be is cruel so any advice other than living with what I have done already would be helpful.

[Openheart1]

Hurtin,

 

My girlfriend hurt me tremendously and I think it hurt the most when I realized that after we spent about 6 months post breakup trying to be friends, it really further damaged what was between us. The reality is that there is a significant chance, if you pursue trying to be friends and looking for closure from him, that a deep resentment could arise between the two of you.

 

Regarding my situation, I no longer have any angst towards my former girlfriend, but there are days where the thought of her does hurt. Sometimes, in essense, I just miss her. However, I know that two people must be willing to resolve differences. Sometimes, however, caring for someone means letting them go and give them a chance to breathe. I called off the friendship with my former girlfriend because I felt I was not getting what I needed because I was still significantly emotionally connected and I felt the only way to truly know if our friendship could ever exist is if she makes an effort to initiate herself alittle and become somewhat vulnerable. In many ways, I still despise how she ended things and it is something that will forever be cemented in my mind as disrespectful and vindictive, but in the end I wanted something more that she was incapable of giving. I gave up at that point trying to be her friend.

 

You said something that struck me. You said you tried to be friends while "having your guard up." True friends do not have their guard up. Friends are open and respectful of one another to trust that the other person is accepting of the other, regardless of the situation.

 

Also, I have no idea whether he is more hurt than you are. It sounds like you are pretty hurt, given your need to have closure from him. However, it is strange to hear the reasons that a lot of dumper's give to excuse to explain why they broke up with someone. You make it sound like it was for his benefit to break up with him, thus rendering you as merely a passive agent in the whole decision. Rest assured, it was YOUR decision because of YOUR issues. It had nothing to do with him and to say that you did it for him is not easy to believe. I don't know whether it is because you want to put yourself in a better light or not, but it does not sound genuine. I honestly think you are a good person, but people who genuinely love one another and committed to each other do not break up if one of them goes through personal problems. Relationships and marriages survive specifically because two people manage to mediate each other's personal problems while serving as each others support system. I know I don't know the entire situation, you did not give him that chance. In that respect, that was selfish. Now, of course, that form of selfishness is not a bad thing. You felt it would be best to work on your personal issues to become a better person in teh future.. that cannot be faulted. However, thinking that you should be accommodated in some way for your decision that hurt someone else is a bad kind of selfish. Also, saying anything other than "I made the decision because he was not the one, I did not feel that the relationship was healthy, etc." is just plain hard to believe.

 

In the end, only you can figure out exactly why you broke up with him. I do not know his perspective on things, but from what you have said, either cut ties with him until the both of you can be friends, because once that moment comes and both of you decide to be friends, you better mean it and stick with it. I learned the hard way that stringing someone along while not being open with how you feel and what you think is extremely mean, especially when the other person still cares for you.

 

Finally, I figure you broke up with him to resolve your personal issues, but I don't get a sense that you got over them? Did you actually resolve them? You must legitimize why you broke up before you enter into a friendship, as true and genuine friendships take just as much effort as any copmmitted relationship, sometimes more so. I wish you the best.

[jessicake]

i'm a bit confused...

 

you want to write him an email to cut off all contact.... perhaps you should just leave it ....and start nc by yourself...

 

personally, i don't see a huge reason for you to have to rub it in to him and say that i want to cut all ties and we both need to move on with our lives. i think that you can be civil and friendly about it.

 

And i do agree with openheart.. by you saying that you are doing this for him... its really not helping either you or him. does that make you feel better thinking that you are doing it for him? if you are genuinely doing it for him... then it is not your right to say that. he is a grown person, if he feels that you are not compatible at this stage, then it is his decision, not yours.

 

sorry if i misintepreted what you meant but good luck nonetheless and i sincerely hope that things will only get better for you and your ex.