What should I do about my fiance

[jason2362]

I have been reading many threads about cheating partners but still it is so hard to understand what I should do.

 

I have been with my fiance for coming on 4 years, I have enjoyed it the whole way, except for the downs.

 

 

We started out together and everything was fine, then about one and half years into the relationship she cheated on my with some other guy. This was mended as she said that she was bored and it was the best and worst thing she ever did because she realized she was meant to be with me and that she was wrong and blah blah. The usual story.

 

I trusted her for months, and months and now in our 3 1/2 year together she is at it again. She hasn't yet cheated but she is talking to a guy constantly about her relationship with me and that she doesn't know that if I am the right guy and she keeps flirting with the guy. She rings the guy who is overseas and constantly chats to him on MSN. Hardly giving me any attention, as well as her son who it is left for me to give all the attention.

 

I know it is very worrying, she keeps saying she wants me to give her space, as we don't have any general friends, I know I have no friends as I just don't go out. Is it possible that we can be spending too much time together and as they say missing people makes your heart grow fonder.

 

She always says she loves me, she always says she wants to marry me as we are engaged but It's hard as I was hurt previously and am worried something might happen again.

 

I confrunted her with it and she is very aggressive about the situation and keeps spinning things around making me feel bad about even bringing it up. I am bad with words and confuntations so its hard. I did mention the same info in this to her but she just keeps making it seem I don't want her to have any friends, I always encourage her to go out, but she hardly has any friends who are girls and is just always to "lazy" to go out.

 

I thought that maybe if I were to start doing my own thing and stop making the world revolve around her, things might start to change?

 

But then i though maybe she thinks she isnt getting enough attention and wants me to encourage and take charge of our lives and be the instigator in certian things that we may do.

 

I'm lost.

 

The guy in question lives in England and we live in the US so it is weird, as they keep saying they wish they were nearer and that they want to visit each other

[hosswhispra]

Hey Anarchy,

 

I think it would be best if you re-evaluate your decision to marry this woman. She is being emotionally unfaithful to you by communicating with the guy from England. Take a step back from this situation. If it was your best friend who was walking in your 'shoes' what would you advise him? That's the advice you should follow for yourself.

 

hosswhispra

[melrich]

Hi Anarchy, welcome to eNotalone.

 

You're relationship really does not sound very healthy at all. Are you sure you guys are suited to each other?

 

The fact that she has cheated in the past and is at least emotionally cheating on you makes me think you really should be re-thinking this whole relationship.

 

I understand that you want it to work but I wonder if it really has a chance given where the relationship is at right now.

[jason2362]

One thing which is very worrying for me is if i do end the relationship, I will loose all contact with the child that calls me dad and loves me so much. As the child is not my own this could happen and I don't think I could handle that.

[caro33]

Not that it's any excuse for being unpleasant to you, and it's certainly no excuse for cheating (or creating the 'pre-cheat' environment) but yes, maybe you are overwhelming her a little by having her as your sole social outlet.

 

Irrespective of her issues and her treatment of you, it would seem a good idea to try and broaden your social circle.

 

Re her thing with this guy, how do you know about it? How long has she known him and how did they meet?

 

When are you planning to be married?

 

One last question, when you said she is aggressive when you bring this up, and "spins things around" - what does she say?

 

Having this info might help us (well, me) provide better focussed suggestions.

[hosswhispra]

One thing which is very worrying for me is if i do end the relationship, I will loose all contact with the child that calls me dad and loves me so much. As the child is not my own this could happen and I don't think I could handle that.

 

Yes, that is a real possibility. But that could happen if she left you, too.

[jason2362]

Not that it's any excuse for being unpleasant to you, and it's certainly no excuse for cheating (or creating the 'pre-cheat' environment) but yes, maybe you are overwhelming her a little by having her as your sole social outlet.

 

Irrespective of her issues and her treatment of you, it would seem a good idea to try and broaden your social circle.

 

Re her thing with this guy, how do you know about it? How long has she known him and how did they meet?

 

When are you planning to be married?

 

One last question, when you said she is aggressive when you bring this up, and "spins things around" - what does she say?

 

Having this info might help us (well, me) provide better focussed suggestions.

 

It's hard as I do not wish for her to stumble over this, so i have asked the webmaster to change my username.

 

They met playing and online game and so far have known each other for 2 weeks but only ever talked properly for 1 week.

 

We were planning on getting married in a few years because of a special date and significance, which was mainly my idea and the fact we can't afford the marriage we want yet.

 

She always states that I shouldn't compare this with the first cheating experience and that I never let her have friends, which is not correct, if anything I may be too easy going in letting her do everything and I will never say something that I don't like.

 

I forget alot of things when I am upset and it's hard trying to remember the specifics of things that get said, sorry.

[caro33]

It's hard as I do not wish for her to stumble over this, so i have asked the webmaster to change my username.

 

They met playing and online game and so far have known each other for 2 weeks but only ever talked properly for 1 week.

 

We were planning on getting married in a few years because of a special date and significance, which was mainly my idea and the fact we can't afford the marriage we want yet.

 

She always states that I shouldn't compare this with the first cheating experience and that I never let her have friends, which is not correct, if anything I may be too easy going in letting her do everything and I will never say something that I don't like.

 

I forget alot of things when I am upset and it's hard trying to remember the specifics of things that get said, sorry.

 

So they've never met, and this is a recent thing. There's really no mitigating circumstance then, she has forged this recently and in full knowledge of what you would think, it seems. Maybe she thinks that if it's online it's not 'real' flirting? What does she say?

 

Sounds like she's having a little break with reality here - has stuff been going on with her that she feels the need to share with someone? Sometimes planning a wedding can do that, can make people ask the very sensible questions of 'is this person right for me'. She's just chosen the wrong outlet. But with your wedding still pretty much on the distant horizon, I don't really pay this as a contributing circumstance either.

 

How do you feel about her, about continuing the relationship and cementing this into 'until death do us part'? Do you believe in your heart of hearts that she has what it takes for you?

 

Try and ignore your love for her child if you can when thinking about this, you must know it cannot be the sole reason you stay together - I would hope you could work something out...

[Beec]

There is some truth to people having there desire for another person stirred up by missing that person. And I think you should give that some thought. Perhaps you should let her miss you. I think you would both benefit by you getting a life apart from her and her son.

 

You wanting to be with her son is not reason for her to be able toshow you any disrespect. If you feel it is that, end it.

 

I am not quite sure this is an "emotional affair", but we at least know it is not an affair.

 

I think that if I were you, I'd begin things by not seeking her attention, and getting out of wherever you are and taking some initial steps to do things without her. I doubt she sees what she is doing as an affair, but she is becoming attached to someone else.

[Rabican]

Here is what I would do. Tell her she is absolutely entitled to have any friends that she wants, but that you are entirely entitled to choose what kind of woman you share your life with. And that you simply choose not to share your life with a woman who cheats, and then goes on having an emotional affair with another man. You dont want to be with someone who takes their problems and turns them into some big mess involving another man. You dont want a girl who is focusing her attention on another man, while telling that other man shes not sure you are the one.

 

So, tell her that when she can separate the above activities from her 'friendships' then shes free to have whatever friends she wishes. Or if she insists on acting like shes acting, then you are sorry, and you love her, but you have to move on.

 

Dont be mean, dont be rude, but tell her how you feel. Write it down in a letter if you have to, in order to avoid the confrontation, and avoid her spinning the situation out of control. Shes being defensive about this because shes in the wrong. Someone who loves you, would respect your feelings, and your relationship and would be trying to fix the situation, not getting all defensive and aggressive about it.

 

Also Id suggest telling her how you feel about her/your child. But the bottom line is that she needs to know where you stand, and if you want any chance of this relationship working, things have to change. This is a fundamental difference/ conflict in your relationship. Its not something you can just agree to disagree on, its gotta be fixed, or itll never work in the long run. Trust me. Shes treating you like a door mat right now, I admire your stick-to-it-ivness but at some point you have to work things out and make a change instead of going through the motions and being walked on.

 

Oh, one last thing. Dont let her child be used as a shackle to keep you there. Much as you may love the little one, they will understand that things arent kosher between you two. And if you keep heading down this road, itll only get worse. A kid is better off with loving parents, or A loving parent than with two fighting, bitter angry parents.

[jason2362]

I plan on letting it be for a little while, until after Christmas, if it continues to get out of control I will end it.

 

I do know she has been through some hard times lately and other things so ill just watch and see what happens.

 

Thanks for all your lovely feedback, it's hard when you have no one to talk, THANKS!

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Leave the trash shaped as a human being.