How do I know if he really is trying?

[Soith]

You can skip this and get to the bottom for the question, I just feel a little background will be helpful.

 

This started as a LDR. 1 year of just friendship, phone, internet. Not meeting.

 

When we met, last May, we took our relationship farther, talked about me moving etc. He was, however, unable (or unwilling) to help me plan this or make dates.

 

Because I felt that he wasn’t putting forth effort to make things happen, I didn’t think we were “exclusive”, and by his own admission, now, I wasn’t in the wrong (“It shouldn‘t matter, you weren‘t mine“ he said yesterday) . I had a “friend with benefits” between the times we were together. Call it weakness, call me a * * * *, whatever. I wasn’t ready to give up my freedom to someone that didn’t seem to be genuine about moving forward. To be fair, he knew all about all of it, and I told that when we made up our minds that the relationship was going to move forward, it would be enc.

 

In November, I decided that I would end my extracurricular relationship and work on getting moved. My lease was up in March, his was up in February, he could stay with his parents till I got there, at which time we could look at apartments. This would work.

 

We had an awesome relationship during this time. The communication, trust (as far as I knew), honesty, intimacy, love, friendship was all there.

 

I gave notice to my job in December, for March 1st. They begged me to stay longer, (my boss needed surgery and I ran the office) This whole time, I couldn’t ask for a better relationship, we were both so very happy, really.

 

March 12th, 5 days before I was jobless, homeless, etc. He told me he was scared and didn’t know if he could do this. I kick myself for staying longer, he wouldn’t have had this “freak out” if I was there already. I went to see him and we both spent a lot of time crying, I actually begged him to just try. 6 month lease. See what happens. He was too afraid, and he didn’t know why.

 

I didn’t get around to moving until August. He was still with his parents. I stayed with them until November 18th. He wouldn’t go with me to find a place to live, he was content to have me stay with him and his family, but not to take the responsibility or commitment of living together alone. The relationship was good except this, I loved our time together and everything. The fact he couldn’t take that step with me broke my heart. I had left an amazing apartment, quit 2 jobs, and attempted to move twice to a different state 1000 miles away from home, for our relationship. (Not for him. For Us.) And he couldn’t get an apartment.

 

He said he is afraid that we’ll end up hurting each other, I don’t see how much more we could do that. This has been torture for both of us. We still talk, text, email. He won’t let me go. He started seeing a counselor last Thursday, she told him that he’s not being fair to me. That he isn’t admitting everything to himself. They decided that the fact I stayed in a sexual relationship hurt us. (In my mind, still today, I didn’t do anything wrong, I really don’t see how it would be cheating and he admits it wasn’t) He still doesn’t know what his real fears are. Its been a year and a half since this started.

 

He has another appointment this Thursday. My problem is, I know this relationship can work. I want it to work. There is nothing I can think of that we can’t overcome. We both learned from our previous relationships how to deal better with problems. But I know he has to want it as bad as I do. So far, I don’t see that at all.

 

So.. How do I know if he wants it to work? I see him going to therapy as a good sign, that he wants to get to the bottom of his commitment issue, but how long, do I wait for him to decide he wants to try? IMO I’ve waited a year already.

 

I still want to move back there, get an apartment with him, give it a try for 6 months. If it works, awesome, if it doesn’t I’ll know for sure we tried and I’ll be able to have better “closure” I don’t see how we would be in any worse shape.

[Beec]

It seems as if he does not want it to work, or at least has not been motivated to make it work.

 

If he wanted it to work, he would invest in the relationship, his time, effort or money, his committment too. If that happens, he is for real, in my thinking. If not, he's not doing what he would do if he were investing in it.

 

Welcome to enotalone.

[robowarrior]

It seems like you burned your ships behind you too soon. So you need to understand 'Securing Future first, relationship later', otherwhise you will keep on kicking yourself for making mistakes that may not be recoverable, its something you have to be very carefull with.

[bigheart09]

You have to put yourself first before the relationship. Does he not care that you were willing to give up your whole life for him?

[Soith]

He says he's afraid of disappointing me. That he knows that I'm the best for him, he's never been loved/cared about the way he is with/from me. He knows if I am done, he loses more than a lover, spouse or friend. He said that when he thinks of making the "move" that he gets this horribly anxious feeling, can't explain it's origins and it just scares him.

 

He knows how hard I've worked.

[Soith]

Its just to the point that I want him to disappear, leave me alone, quit texting, emailing, etc. Just let me go.

 

Or do something about it. We're in two different states, that complicates things. I have no doubt if we could date like normal people it wouldn't be as stressful, but we can't. I'm not moving to Texas just for fun. I like Arizona just fine.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

it sounds to me like he's a bit afraid of growing up, especially if he was content to just live with his family and you there too... that is a bit weird to me, that a grown man would prefer that...

 

fear of growing up could also be why he doesn't want to move into an apt. alone with you... that is a very 'grown up' situation with you, living together, and a big commitment.

 

it's a good thing that he is in therapy, maybe you can find out whether this is something he can work through, or the real problem that he just doesn't really want to commit to you... or he doesn't want a real relationship with a woman, but prefers the distance because he can have a fantasy relationship without really being responsible to someone...

 

it will also be interesting to see what 'he isn't admitting everything to himself' means... what do you think the counselor means by this, is he gay or something, and not ready to admit it to himself and hence not being fair to you? had to say, but time will tell....

 

anyway, if you think you really love him, then i'd visit him but let him stay in counseling a couple months to get a better idea of what is really going on before you make a decision to move out there... or you just don't love him enough to go through the trouble, then just break it off.

[Soith]

There is always more to the story, I just tried to condense it as much as I could.

 

As far as burning ships. I'm back at that job I left in March, they were glad to have me back, even tho I told them he's in therapy and I may go back even at the end of the month.

 

His other issues could be former military related, he lost a lot of friends in bombings, due to his ex-wife, while he was military, she was unfaithful (yes I'm aware he had some fault in that), or it could be some of the fact that he was a very active father and now he lives a gazillion miles away from them and feels like he's not a good dad.

 

I've been diagnosed with cancer, to the best of my knowledge I'm fine now, but with such a diagnosis, your perspective changes a lot. Here and now matters a lot more than the future. My relationships with everyone are great. The fact that all of my former employers would gladly take me back shows my personality and capability.

 

Anyhew... Thanks guys.