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Four years and a broken heart.....

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First time posting on here. I hope someone out there has some good advice. It would be greatly appreciated.


About four years ago I met my girlfriend. She was separated from her husband and we were friends and then became more than friends. Over the years my patience has been tested because no matter how much she said she loved me and wanted to spend the rest of her life with me, she was still not divorced. She said she wanted to wait until she was done with grad. school. Grad school ended, still no divorce. She said she wanted to wait until she had landed the right job. She found a great job, still no divorce. In the meantime, we have had a mostly great four years. We've had ups and downs, but it's mostly been ups. Until recently. Over the past few months, if I had to work late or if I couldn't meet her because of work or a family committment, it would become the end of the world for her--she would yell and scream and say how I was unreliable. Just saying hurtful things. Things she never had said before.


She recently became friends with a new co-worker of hers and all she talks about is how this girl goes out with tons of guys and how she doesn't put up with any guy who doesn't treat her like a queen. I think this "friend," who is several years younger and very immature, started getting in my girlfriends ear because all of a sudden if I had to work late and couldn't meet her for a drink, I would catch hell for it. Meanwhile, for four years I have been patient and supportive, waiting for her to get divorced. She has been separated for years and has very little contact with her husband as he has since moved away and lives in a different part of the country. He has filed divorce papers, yet she hasn't done anything with them. I know, red flag right there.


When she was in grad school, I would understand if she couldn't make plans when she had to study and would go out of my way, driving hours to be with her for an hour or less just to see her and spend time with her and take her mind off of school when she was stressed-out. She has always called me her soul-mate and I believed she was mine.


Anyway, over the past few months, like I said earlier, if I couldn't meet her for something, I suddenly became "unreliable" to her. And when she wanted me to go to a concert and I couldn't because I had to travel for work, she began questioning my feelings for her. I couldn't believe she was serious--I have always gone out of my way to make any time for her that I could. I would see her every weekend, nearly every day for lunch and three or four times a week after work.


She has become more and more agitated lately and last week, out of nowhere, she said that she needed to be with someone she could depend on and that wasn't me. I still can't believe these words as I'm writing them.


She hasn't taken my calls, she hasn't replied to e-mails and I'm starting to feel both angry and foolish for trying to contact her and I'm really starting to feel that heart-sickened hurt that consumes you when you've had your heart broken. I don't know where to begin or what to say or do. We spoke once since last week and she threw up fights from years ago--fights I didn't even think she would remember (I barely remembered them) about petty things and says that I have been such a terrible boyfriend because I didn't make her a top priority when it came to my job. Meanwhile I've gone out of my way to make time for her, to make her know that I was there for her, to make her laugh when she was stressed-out. I planned my vacations from work around when she would have finals so that I could bring her dinner and help her study and help her relax. I've cut back on my work hours to free up my weekends so that we could spend our weekends together.


I feel like I'm beating my head against the wall trying to make her realize this. I don't know if her "friend" is behind this--making her think the grass is always greener or something. I don't know if her unwillingness to divorce is behind this. But I have been understanding and supportive and have given her all my love and what do I get? A broken heart. All I've ever tried to do was make her happy. And she has always said that she knows I'm her soul-mate because I came into her life when she was down and lost and alone in her miserable short-marriage and I turned her life around. So why am I now the one who is down and lost and alone?


How do I deal with that overwhelming feeling to keep calling and writing? I feel like I want to keep asking her "How can you do this?" And I want to keep making a point about how I've always been there for her. Like I have to remind her and that will somehow help, though I know it won't. She can't possibly have forgotten 4 years worth of good stuff? Do I just leave it alone for now? Do I leave it alone for good? My friends have always told me to be careful and that I deserved better, saying she didn't appreciate me and that any woman would kill for a guy to be as attentive and caring. So how did I screw this up? I keep blaming myself. Very lost and confused. To anyone who reads this and posts a reply, please know that it is very much appreciated...

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First about her not being divorsed yet. It is surprising. But if you put it together wth the fact that her husband hasn't filed divorse papers neither it becomes very hard to explain without being suspitious.

Second! We tend to be suspicious of "bad friends", however, people never take advices which are against their nature. Friends may only support hidden desire.

Third. By calling her you supporting her. She knows that she may have you back any time, while she's doing what she wants. Stop it.

I think people act out because of guilt. Most likely she knows that she doesn't love you and she is trying to present a better explanation for you. Or may be she has been really lonely and unsure of her own feelings. That's when she needed you the most and haven't received it.

Remember, it's not what you do for her but how it is perceived by her. Even if you when out of your way to be the best but she didn't think so, it will not be appreciated.

I've been in a similar relationship. I thought I was sacrifising almost all for her, but she didn't see it. And vise versa, she said she was doing her best, but it was so far from what I needed. We are apart for 4 mos now. And I still have dreams about her and talk to her in my mind trying to explain myself. But it is dull now.

My advise to you, wish her luck in your mind and never call her again if you are not sure that she is the right one. But if she is, then there are ways to get her back, however, still don't call her. There is a lot more about her, but I'd need to know more information before judging her.

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Listen to your friends: from your story I can tell you DO deserve much better. (Sorry about my english and spelling, by the way. I´m from Spain).


You, my friend, are part of a disfunctional relationship (sorry). I know you care about this person but she's the one who has always been unreliable, what with not being able to commit. It sounds as if you have had the burden (albeit a pleasurable one by your standards) of making the relationship work, of staying in touch with this person and helping her out. She knew all the time, in those 4 years that she had a supporting, caring person to help her out all the time, no matter what, so when you couldn't provide her with support at the exact moment and in the exact way that she wanted it she got furious. That sounds as selfish as it gets. Ask yourself this: Was she as nurturing and caring to you when YOU had it rough? Did she go out of her way to be with you and make you feel good? Or was she only in the receiving end, never on the giving one.


To top it off, she now avoids and rejects you? That's lack of respect and consideration. If she really cared about you (was not focused on using you as her emotional crutch) and her feelings about you had changed she would have spoken to you about it openley. Isn't that what you do with people you care? If you have issues with a friend or someone in your family, do you write them off or talk about it?


So what have you got: selfishness and lack of respect. That is not a healthy relationship. My advice to you: try to get closure in some way but walk away from her. It doesn´t sound healthy in any way. Even if you had "mostly ups" you are being hurt right now, the inertia of past happiness can't make you continue with an unhealthy situation. Don't expect her to come around, don't wait for a change of heart. That's torturing yourself. Rely on your friends to weather the storm. good luck.

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