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Complex Story - I NEED HELP !

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I need help ! This is a long story so please bare with me while I explain.


My wife and I are 28 years old. We have been together since the age of 15 and were married

at the age of 21.


We have 1 daughter (6 yo) and another child arriving in 6 months.


I had some concerns about her fidelity 4 years back and when I found proof (love letter) that she had cheated

I retaliated by cheated on her with several different women (5) or the years.


I stopped cheating and have been faithful for the last 2 years. My wife never found out about any

of my affairs.


About a week ago, I was informed by a relative that the affair my wife had was more than

just a one-nighter (which I originally had thought). I confronted my wife on this and she

admitted to me that the affair lasted 18 months. Stupid me wanted to know all the details and

I got them all. She knows this guy through her workplace whom she had befriended and it later

developed into a sexual relationship. She would meet this guy after work and have relations with

him in the back of his truck, just miles from our home. They had sex around 20x.


I was crushed by this revelation and even though I wanted to end it right then and there, I

could not. These are my reasons for not doing so ...


1. The affair ended 2 years ago.

2. I was cheating at the same time.

3. I love her with all my heart.

4. We have 2 kids together.


Am I crazy about giving her another chance or am I right in thinking that I was no better ?

I know I only started cheating when I found a love letter to this guy but I did not and do not

have the guts to tell her about my affairs. Should I ? I know I asked to hear about hers but

it really hurt when she did finally tell me and I don't know if I should put her through the

same stress I am going through while she's pregnant.


I know for a fact that she is now telling me the truth but I don't know what I should do at this



She still works at the same workplace but on different shifts as the guy.

I confronted this guy yesterday at the workplace and he apologized for what had happened in the

past and he confirmed that it had ended 2 years ago.


Can someone please help me ?


I would also like some insight on why a woman would betray her 27 year old husband so that she

can have sex in the back of a truck with a 46 year old, white-haired, man. My wife is a good

looking girl so I really don't think it was a sexual attration thing on her part. Do women

cheat for other reasons. Could it be that this guy paid more attention to her needs ?


I have heard many times that cheaters never stop cheating if they get away with it once. I don't

know if that is true but I know that I cannot deal with this pain again in the future. I for one

will never cheat again because I know how devestating it is for both people involved.


I have been extremely depressed since she told me and I don't know what to do. I love my wife,

I love my kids, I know she has never done this before in the 12 years we've been together and

I don't think she would do it again but I don't know what to do.


Leaving her is not an option because I would rather die than split up my family.


Please ... Please ... Someone please answer my questions .........


1. Why would she cheat on me with someone who is not attractive AT ALL and twice her age ?

2. Do all cheaters continue cheating or can people change ?

3. Should I tell her about my affairs, and if so, should I do it now or after the baby is born?

4. Should we get counselling, even though both of our affairs ended 2 years back ?


Thanks to all who can help me in this complex mess I call a marriage.

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messy situation.. tell her NOW about your affairs making sure to mention that it was just jealousy that got to you and meant nothing.. as far as the once a cheater, always a cheater, women aren't really like that.. It was most likely that she was a little bored, he payed her lots of attention and it added a little excitement to her life.. You are still the one she loved, and loves, and if anythign straying from your spouse should make you realize how much they mean to you, which it obviosuly did or she would have divorced you.. meanwhile, it still is hard to accept that you two were unfaithful to eachother for whatever reason, so couples therapy or counseling would be a good idea to sort to whatever was the root of all this. Good Luck!

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  • 2 months later...

I am in a difficult marriage right now trying my very best to stay faithful to my husband but feel tempted by two people both of whom are INDEED showing me a kind of love my husband just doesn't seem to know exists. So yes, I would guess your wife needs something you might not even know is on the map. I have told my husband about my temptations, and feel very depressed that he doesn't want to know me better as a result. I am sacrificing my emotional health for him right now, and NOT having an affair, because I want to see if he/we can change but it is so hard when he doesn't seem to want to understand. I don't know how long I can hold out like this, and we also have two kids, and like you, I'd just about rather die than take them away from their Daddy. So it is so difficult. I would try to stand on your head to figure out what might be going wrong between you and your wife. I think when people need love, it is like needing food. You can only go for so long without.

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