I Just Dont know how to carry on

[toad4466]

Things happen all the time in thies world, but i feel i have been left behind. I feel so lonely and likw such a failiure. Its hard to explain but every minute of every day i have to fight back tears, and the thought of dying actually makes me feel happy.

I suppose the best place to start is the beggining, so here goes. I grew up in a small seaside fishing village in England, my parents ran a Pub (bar) there. I didnt really spend alot of time with they, their job took up all their time so i used to go exploring and finding things out by myself. Eventually when i was 10 my folks and me and my brother (whom i never got on with) moved to a new pub where they eventually split up.

My father moved from pub to pub and my mother got a stable job in the same village and found someone new. I spent a lot of time travelling, and never really had many friends. When i was 17 i met the girl of my dreams, i fell in love to the point i was walking on air, and we lasted 8 years, until Jan 05. We fell out because of debt, we had lived together for 3 years, and run up massive debts, and her family blamed it all on me. My ex left and we sold the house, and i got lumped with the debt.

Since that time i have been paying through the nose for the debts, i have a job in a bar, i have no confidence, no friends and no life at all. And i really want to die. The only thing that keeps me going is that i dont want my family to be responsible for the debts. I cant leave them with that.

[need2bme]

I will not pretend to even begin to understand your situation, except to say that lonliness and I, have been friends before.

 

I don't ever think dying is the answer. It cannot be. Just look at puppies and babies. That is where we are, until life or time, jades us all. Why do you think people like babies and puppies so much? They remind us of how simple life can be.

 

I was thinking about a lot of things a girl recently told me when not wanting me to be commited to her. There were some harsh things, all while informing me I was harsh and they were fine when she needed someone.

 

My point is, I felt really bad for a while. how could someone so supposedly loving, find so much wrong with me, when clearly it was something in her that started it all.

 

I started thinking, am I all these things? Is this the way the world sees me? It was necessary for me to think about it a lot. Sure there are things I can change, but does what she said, define me as a person? Does the way she acted, mean that I don't deserve someone's true heart?

 

No! Not just no, but hell no!

 

We, you an I, have a right to be here. We have a right to be the kind of people we want without society's pushing us into what we should be.

 

You paying the debt is a true testament to your character. Build on that. If it takes a move to a different country. Do that.

 

So you like working in a pub? What do you want to do?

[southerngirl]

You can not change your past. You are not your past. You can change your future.

 

It will get better if you want it to. Talking about it is good, I think alot of people have thought about it. Whatever stops you from doing it, hold onto that. You do not want to leave your family to miss you forever.

 

When you think that there isnt anyone that needs you... your wrong. There is always somebody and for them you are the light of their life.

[Survictor]

You will walk on air again, my friend.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Hey Toad - what got me about your post was the line "Things happen all the time in this world, but i feel i have been left behind" - I know the feeling. I can really relate to that - and it's true. Things do happen and people can and do fall and get left behind.

 

That doesn't have to be you. You don't have to let a fall mean you will be left behind. There is a place for everyone. I guarantee you that yours is not 6 feet underground.

 

Find your place.

 

There are many - even here - who will lend you a hand to help you up, help dust you off and NOT leave you behind. Things WILL get better....

 

bootstraps dude, bootstraps......

[need2bme]

bootstraps dude, bootstraps......

 

Amen. Or to quote the movie, "What about Bob"..."baby steps", dude, "baby steps".

 

I was thinking as a bartender you must help plenty of people, if by no other means then by a quick smile or a lended ear.

[need2bme]

You can not change your past. You are not your past. You can change your future.

 

I love this quote. It is something I need to take to heart. Thank you.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Ok i know you hear this all the time but its true. Life will get better. I can't say i know what its like to feel the way you do being left with all those debts and as you see it alone. But trust me you are not alone. People fight these things every day. You just have to be strong. You may feel like you can't or even like you don't want to. But ending your life... you'll never know what good could come to you in the future. You say you don't want to leave your family with your debts. That means you obviously care for them. I'm sorry your parents spilt but sometimes it is the best thing to do. Please think of how they would feel waking up one morning and being told that their son was no longer living. Their flesh and blood. Please so many people end their lives in a desperate attempt to end the pain and/or suffering. But there is so much more out there. Find something you enjoy and start doing it. You may make friends that way. Go out a bit. Doesn't need to be to places that cost money. Even just to the beach. Go for a walk. Something. Just don't let a life go to waste because of your feelings at this moment.

 

Don't get me wrong i know what its like to consistly think of suicide. To always want the pain to stop and to feel like it doesn't. But even if you live for one smile when your a lil older. For one laugh. Please keep living. Keep fighting this. I know you can.

[Daddy Bear]

toad4466, i don't understand why someone in your position would want to die. if i were you, i would be keeping an eye out for somebody who made me feel the way i did when i was with my ex. i mean, if you're going to throw your life away anyway, what do you have to lose by sticking around to see what you can make happen in your future?

[glegend]

Things happen all the time in this world. I feel so lonely and like such a failiure. Its hard to explain but every minute of every day i have to fight back tears, and the thought of dying actually makes me feel happy.And i really want to die.

 

I feel the same way, and its the same with me. I figure that if I was dead then I wouldnt have any problems or anything everything will just disappear. But the only thing that usually keeps me alive is my 2 best friends, my girlfriend and my sisterm and music. It usually takes me a few hours to one week and then I am fine. Right now I am going through this again but nothing seems to work, and the thought of dying really makes me feel happy and I want to die.

[need2bme]

glegend: You won't make us happy if you die. So, add us to the friends list. Oh, and add us to the would be unhappy list...

[glegend]

glegend: You won't make us happy if you die. So, add us to the friends list. Oh, and add us to the would be unhappy list...

 

It will sure make me feel happy.

But I can understand how the topic started feels 'cause I feel the same at many different times. With the stuff I am going through right now, and every year exam time I studyas hard as I can and even if I dont pass (which when I fail its in the high forties) my parents just yell at me so why not just die and get out of this world.

[need2bme]

glegend: They are supposed to get on you, it is their job.

 

Look, I have the same issues and I am much older than you. College is hard for me with a full-time job and attempting to make some sense out of my life and relationships.

 

I am cramming for a test tonight, so I am right there with you and my family still yells at me when I do it too. ;-)

[Bethany]

Most debts are written off after death so don't worry about that or use it as a reason to live. The truth of the matter is you dont want to die, you just want a better life like the rest of us.

 

You think that ALL you wil be leaving your family with is DEBT? Dream on honey. Don't pass on your pain and desire not to live to your family, thats not fair or right. Face your world and if you don't like it, change it.

 

You have the power to change you, use that power within you.

[Tigris]

You've been through rough times before and you've got through them eventually. I know you can do it again. Go to the doctor and get the antidepressants that helped you last time.

 

I know you've got problems with debts, but they'll all be paid off in 6 months. I wish mine was!

 

We've coped with a lot of problems together by talking, and it's time for you to offload again by sharing them with me.

 

Don't forget we're relying on you to be at our wedding in July 2007. You've got an important job to do for us that day. We need you as an usher, however, if the person who is 'giving away' my fiancee is on a ship at sea we need you to take his place.

[Tigris]

How are you doing now?