What would happen if we really stood up for ourselves?

[drum4god]

I have been going through some ups and downs with my girlfriend (who came back to me after strict NC). Its amazing, but I have decided to focus on myself more, and I have seen some positive changes in my girlfriend. Does this mean I am becoming an SOB? By no means. I still love my girl, its just I also loving myself a little more.

 

Its not uncommon to lose yourself when you give love to someone. We tend to put them on a pedestal, and make them the center of our happiness. I have done that, and its caused me pain and frustration. Then there is the part of me that says, how do fall in love if you are not vulnerable. Its impossible to be in love, and not always think of the person. But here is what I have learned. No matter how much we love the person, we always need to love ourselves. You hear it said all the time. How can you love someone, if you don't love yourself, but its true.

 

I will give you an example of what I mean. Last week, my girlfriend tells me about a church function she is attending. She tells me "you are welcome to come". I said yeah I will go. Then I thought about it. I didn't sound like she really wanted me to go. So I decided to change my mind and go to my work Christmas party. I have decided, if she is not that excited for me to go, I am not going. Is that a little extreme? Perhaps, but that is my personal boundary that I am not going to allow anyone cross anymore. Why? Because I am starting to love myself more. I am starting to believe I am the prize, and that my time, love and attention is a privledge, not a right. A few months ago. I would have questioned her about did she ask me in that way. I would have come off very insecure, and needy, and that would have driven her away. Its because I was believing she was the end all to my happiness, and if she doesn't love me I won't survive. That is far from the truth. I have had a revelation, and I hope you will get it also. Here it is, I had a life before her and if things don't work out I will have a life after her. That is it. Its that simple.

 

SuperDave said something in another post that really rings true. You significant doesn't hurt you. You allowed them to hurt you. Now, I realize that we allow our mates to hurt us, because we love them, and its almost impossible not get hurt. However, if you start to notice a pattern of disrespect, infidelity, or and in some cases abuse. You need to let them know, and if it happens again you cut the cord. Yes, its harsh, but if you truly love yourself, you must

 

Yeah, I am sure you will have conflicting feelings. On the one hand you feel you will miss the person and miss the companionship. On the other hand you suddenly feel the integrity you have toward your self. Every time you give in to your weaknesses and allow yourself to be strung along and disrespected, you are diminished. Every time you stand up for yourself, even when it's painful, you grow, and it changes everything for the better. When you realize you can overcome your own weaknesses and act in a manner that says I respect myself, you gain confidence in yourself. It permeates everything you do from then on.

 

I encourage everyone, and this is for me also, because I need it just as much as anyone. Reflect on you current situation and ask. What would happen if I stood up for myself? What would happen if I really loved myself, and respected myself. Would I be where I am now? Would I be crying over my ex leaving me? Would I still be in this relationship? If you answered no to any of those quesitons, you have made a step in getting yourself back. Perhaps this is my cheesy rallying cry, but I am sick of being crapped on. I am sick of hearing all the heartbreaking stories on this board. I believe many of them would have been avoided if we just stood up for ourselves.

 

One more thing. Don't ever underestimate how resiliant you are. Our hearts and emotions can take a beating, but if you want, you can use it to empower yourself and others. Just read SuperDave's posts, and you will see what I mean.

 

Anyway, just my 2 cents. You can keep the change.

 

God Bless!

[papalazarou]

One more thing. Don't ever underestimate how resiliant you are. Our hearts and emotions can take a beating, but if you want, you can use it to empower yourself and others. Just read SuperDave's posts, and you will see what I mean.

 

 

Very true. I remember when (4 years ago) my ex wife had an affair and I lost everything. When I say everything I mean EVERYTHING. House, Car, Kids (albeit I do see them at weekends) etc etc. I also had a crap job.

 

4 years ago now seems like a lifetime. But I built myself back up.

 

I used to live at my parents after the split now I own my own flat, have a decent job and more friends following the split! I also have a new g/f who I love very much indeed - although she is currently being treated for depression but thats another story on another thread.

[dnozzle]

Standing up for myself is exactly what brought on the NC I am currently in. I pushed for too much when she wasn't able to give anymore, and she had to pull back.

 

Oddly, the break has given me new perspective on how much of a * * * * * i was in the relationship, always catering to her needs and worrying about how she felt, and losing sight of myself in the process.

[cc2006]

Nice post Drum.

 

Remember ... a relationship should be an "us". I need to remind myself of that. I have to learn that every once in a while I need to step back, look at things, and ask myself if this is "us" or "her and I'm allowed/expected to come along too".

 

It is very easy, if you are not a strong person ... or if you are the type of person that puts other's needs before your own ... to get wrapped up in a relationship and forget the "us" aspect.

 

Pretty soon your opinion doesn't seem to carry as much weight as the other person's.

 

After a while you can reach the point where most of the things you do as a couple are the wishes of just one person.

 

 

 

I had it tough. I fought to keep my identity ... to stay "me" ... but at the same time struggled to show my love and affection to my significant other. I just couldn't do it. If I said "no" because I didn't want to do something I was made to feel guilty. Supposedly saying no meant I didn't love her as much as she wanted, or as much as she loved me. I know that isn't true, but try explaining that to my ex.

 

In a healthy relationship there won't be a struggle. You'll be able to be yourself, stand up for yourself, and it will be an "us". Two people getting together to form something that is equal parts each of them.

[SuperDave71]

Drummer4God,

 

I love the fact you used the term "revelation". I to had the very SAME THING hapen to me in early 2005 when I was sitting in my chair downstairs. It hit me like a TON OF BRICKS......I suddenly asked my self in a split second.."Why am I worrying and putting so much of MYSELF into someone who isn't into me?"

 

What a waste!!!! I decided then and there, I would NEVER, EVER allow myself to waste time on that again. I have stayed true to my word.

 

We all have the power to change IF WE CHOOSE TO!! If we want to wallow in self-pity, that is where you will stay. The longer you do it, the longer you do not grow.

 

Those who question NC are those, though DOING NC, refuse to let go of the notion that because they are not getting a positive reaction from their ex or on the inside know that the only reason they are DOING NC is because of their ex will NOT BENEFIT from it whatsoever.

 

NC allows the individual to grow..NOT TO GET BACK AN EX. If you are using NC to try to "Win back the one you love" you will have 3 outcomes.

 

1.) They come back...you have learned nothing and soon enough you break permanently.

 

2.) You put you FIRST and do your best to learn from your mistakes. You grow stronger because mentally and physically you are focusing on yourself. NO matter if they do or do not come back..you will be fine no matter what

 

3.) They never come back....period.

 

 

 

Make your choice...

 

 

 

Excellent post and insight drummer!!!!!

 

 

Your Friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

[arrrrffff]

HoLy crackerjacks, drum

 

I'm at school now supervising finals, and decided to take a break so I came here. I was expecting more sad stories and maybe something that will give me a the slightest hope for her to come back.

 

Your words are inspirational and I am sitting tall right now because of it. definitely, we MUST put ourselves first whether it is outside or in a relationship. You can either dwell on the past, or learn from it. I am guilty as charge of pitying myself. I am guilty of wasting my soul by focusing on someone who doesn't even love me anymore; someone who decided to leave me.

 

And I love every minute of it... of life, because in NO point in my life did I envision I could loss so much, and come out so strong from it all. This clearly transcends any amount of physical pain and I stand up tall.

 

A friend taught me that when we are happy, when we are positive even in our DOWNEST of times, it radiates outwards. And people are drawn to that. Good things will happen and you become a focal point. I am so humbled by this.

 

I've never been healthier, fitter, faster, more attentive, good looking (not bragging, lol, I think it's my new Banana Rep. sweater), have more friends or been as successful... and these were in me all along.

 

Because I was in a relationship, it made me a better person. I cannot think of a better way to say I love her than that, whether or not she comes back or not.

[selfi]

The way you were a few months ago is how I used to be as well, so that advice was very useful for future reference

[silentalways]

what a wickedly positive and true post and great comments everyone. if i may add my 2.5 cents as well, i would first like to make a confession that will shock everyone that has read any of my posts - but it will not shock my ex because i have told her things like this since the first day we met...ok, ready?

 

i have been ranting, and complaining, and whining and fussing and breaking and blaming some of my troubles on something i have said i hate with a passion and that is

 

NO CONTACT

 

and i have been upset, hurt, depressed, angry, etc. as a result of my ex shovelling it down my throat and after all those months i have a confession to make to all [then a thank you - because u can still stand up fer yerself and give thanks where thanks is deserved]

 

NO CONTACT has actually been the very thing that has enabled me to refocus [took a while but it sunk in] on what my ex's behaviours were telling me [get lost creeepy man] and then back onto myself and actually start doing the things and becoming the MAN i have been saying i want to be over all these months. and anyone that knows me, has seen all the things i have accomplished, my attitude, etc. are super proud but i am first in line to congratulate myself. Finally.

 

so, yes, damn it - i does work [eating black crow pie now - lol] and as always, i thank the ex for being the one that did that, and stayed strong even though i pestered to the point where she fears old GM now but those days are over because i can now do the things i couldn't before. so, thank u c.a.g. i know its not much after all that but u know u have always 'helped' in some way, my development into ultra-single-hunkster - so i just wanted to give a little bit of credit to u [even tho u did just for yerself u selfish....lol] but i did all the hard work!

 

SO there u have it!

[drum4god]

I had to bump my post just to remind myself what I wrote. Its crazy I can give everyone advice, but I sometimes need to take my own advice. I am a little annoyed. My girlfriend and I were supposed to meet at Church tonight (we have Wednesday services). She didn't come, she left a message on my phone saying she got caught up doing things at home (she still lives at home with Mom). I guess it disappointed me a little bit she didn't come. Considering we don't see each other often (we live about 45 mins away) I thought she would want to see me. What bothered me the most, was the message she left on my phone. I didn't hear "baby" (that is what she usually calls me), she said "Hi George", and then ended the message "bye". No I love you. I guess you can say I am making more out of this than I should, but it annoys me.

 

It probably wouldn't be a big deal, if she didn't flake on me in the past. I don't know. I want to say something, but there is the part of me that says. If she doesn't care, why should I. Again, it may not be a big deal, but someone who chooses to do things at home than see her boyfriend, doesn't sound like someone who is love.

 

In light of my thread, how do I stand up for myself? I guess its kind of hard in this situation. Its not like she did something wrong. If I say something I come off like a needy jerk. I know some things are better off unsaid, but this bothers me.

 

I don't know, any thoughts on how I can take my own advice. LOL.

[papalazarou]

Wow!! Similar situation to me at the moment...!

 

Well as a result of my "situation" I have decided NC until she contacts me hopefully by then I will have forgotten it and so will she.

 

Saying anything will make an issue of it and make you (and me) seem like a needy jerk...

 

As me and the "ex" are slowly reconciling...everytime I feel a bit clingy etc I tend to do NC until she contacts me. Usually this lasts 2 - 3 days. If she says she hasnt heard from me I just say Im respecting your space.

 

 

Again, it may not be a big deal, but someone who chooses to do things at home than see her boyfriend, doesn't sound like someone who is love.

 

In light of my thread, how do I stand up for myself? I guess its kind of hard in this situation. Its not like she did something wrong. If I say something I come off like a needy jerk. I know some things are better off unsaid, but this bothers me.

 

I don't know, any thoughts on how I can take my own advice. LOL.

[Mavis VDSande]

Hey great post!!!

 

It really sums up my situation nicely. I'm back with the ex and I feel so much happier than ever before. He's happy too I've noticed.

 

I don't take it too personally if he's too busy to see me or if he doesn't call for a day or so, he's just like that. He's always been like that. The difference is that before, I would call him loads and harp on about why he didn't "miss me" etc etc! Now, I'm fairly busy hanging out with my friends, having a good time and doing things that I want to do. So when we do meet we have a great time and we appreciate each other more.

 

It's been a struggle, doing NC for me was not to win him back but to get over him. But near the end of my stint I had a "revelation" too! I just felt like I was myself, but so much more than before.

 

I like to think that out of all this I haven't become a cold hearted * * * * *. I feel like "love" isn't enough in a relationship/partnership. You each need your own independance, trust in each other and a willingness to co-operate and build on things.

 

And instead of harping on about stuff trying to "fix" a problem I see I have realised that just acting positive and standing on my own too feet is enough to inspire my ex to act positive too.

 

!!

[Mavis VDSande]

 

In light of my thread, how do I stand up for myself? I guess its kind of hard in this situation. Its not like she did something wrong. If I say something I come off like a needy jerk. I know some things are better off unsaid, but this bothers me.

 

 

Hiyah,

 

I wouldn't mention it. Take it at face value. She was tied up with family stuff or stuff at home and couldn't make the Church service. Simple as that. If she sounded harsh, she was probably in a bad mood, nothing to do with you.

 

If you mention it you will come accross as being needy and the thing is our exes NEVER FORGET what you were like b4 and the reason why they ended it with you.

 

Stay positive cos your post was really inspiring and a breathe of fresh air! You are a strong person now and you're standing up for yourself!

 

Hugs x

 

If you plague yourself with "why" and "what ifs", you'll drive yourself crazy.

[drum4god]

Hiyah,

 

I wouldn't mention it. Take it at face value. She was tied up with family stuff or stuff at home and couldn't make the Church service. Simple as that. If she sounded harsh, she was probably in a bad mood, nothing to do with you.

 

If you mention it you will come accross as being needy and the thing is our exes NEVER FORGET what you were like b4 and the reason why they ended it with you.

 

Stay positive cos your post was really inspiring and a breathe of fresh air! You are a strong person now and you're standing up for yourself!

 

Hugs x

 

If you plague yourself with "why" and "what ifs", you'll drive yourself crazy.

 

Thanks for the encouragement Mavis,

 

I wasn't annoyed that she cancelled out. I was annoyed at her phone message. She always calls me baby or sweetie. She referred to me by my name, and she said bye instead of I love you. I know It sounds like I am a needy person. I am not, its just based on her history of being hot and cold, it makes me wonder if a cold streak is coming up. Its just annoying because we had a great week. I don't know. Is this normal? I don't want her to say or do anything out of obligation, and that is why I don't want to say anything, but I feel I need to back off a little. If I speak to her I won't say I love you. Damn, I hate this games. I thought they would end after highschool. I guess that is a bit too naive on my part.

 

I have to admit I am frustrated. I want to be in control. I want to be cool, but I allow this little things to get to me.

 

I read this great scripture in the bible today. It was in the Proverbs (I read one a day, there are 31 and read one for each day of the week, for those who read the bible it give you incredible wisdom). Anyway, Prov 14:14

 

"Where there are no oxen, the manger is empty, but from the strength of an ox comes from an abundant harvest.

 

In other words, if you are not strong, you are not going to have an abundant harvest. You are not going to get what you want. I don't believe it refers to only physical strength but emotional strength also.

When we are strong, we stick up for ourselves, we don't take crap, and eventually you will get what you want.

 

Another scripture I read today that hit home is Prov 14:15

 

"A simple man believes anything, but a prudent man gives thought to his steps."

 

I believed everthing my girl told me, and sometimes I wonder if its true. "You are everything I wanted in a man", I want to make you happy, you are hot, you are sexy, when we get married etc, when we have kids etc, you are so special, why did God bless me with a great man like yourself, you have brought me joy, and happiness beyond words.

 

I believed those words, and let them blind me to her actions. I am starting to wise up a little bit, and see that her actions are not matching her words.

 

I know I am probably overeacting, but I rather overeact her on this board, then in front of her.

[Mavis VDSande]

I know you're not over reacting you're just looking at all the possibilities involved here. I always believe that actions of love speak louder than words of love. So in this sense I would disregard all the "baby baby" talk and see what her direct actions are telling you.

 

Stepping back and looking at the situation from outside of your rels, what do her actions honestly tell you?

[drum4god]

Had to bump my own thread for myself. Its funny, I can give advice to people, but can't take my own advice. Well this time I'm going to try.