How do you just stop?

[shep88ner]

me and my lady have been together for 11 months. and for the past 11 months we've spent just about EVERY SINGLE day together. and of all those days, we spend nearly the WHOLE day together. and we do everything together. if one of us has something going on, the other is right there at all times. it's mainly her, because i dont have a problem not hanging out sometiems, but then she starts in with this "why dont you want to be with me?" crap and get's all emotional and whatever. it is really affecting our relationship BIG TIME. id say if we continued on like this we'll be done within the next couple of months. its like all we do is bicker at eachother and fight anymore. we just annoy the hell out of eachother sometimes. so my question is, how do you just stop hanging out so much without hurting anyone's feelings? im kind of desperate now, because if this continues, we're over here very shortly.

 

and if anyone's going to suggest breaking up or a break, save it. im not going to break up with her over this, and i dont believe in "breaks". so im just looking for a way to save what we have

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

How have you managed to spend WHOLE days together, every day? Do you work together?

 

I understand where you're coming from. Even if I loved my girlfriend, and she was the most interesting, smart, hot individual on earth, I wouldn't want to be with her 24/7.

 

Does she have a few issues of the insecurity-possessiveness variety going on here? I don't think its so healthy to want to be with anyone all the time, all day, every day. Doesn't she like SOME individual breathing space?

[eleanorrigby1]

I like to see my friends too so I have no trouble with spending time apart from my fella. Does she not ave any friends of her own? if not this would explain things. These relationships rarely work because she is dependant upon you to be her entire social network and she sounds like she isnt too keen on her own company.

 

Maybe say to her "Hey I was thinking of going out with the boys this weekend? gives you a chance to go out with your girl friends, Im looking forward to a lads night out"

 

If she loves you and needs you as much as she says, she may sulk but she wont break up with you. You need to put your foot down and say "i WANT to go out with my friends, I love you and I love being with you but it doesnt mean that I dont if I want to spend time away from you.. why are you so insecure?" she may then open up and explain her feelings.

 

be patient, be sweet, be loving, but be firm! you cannot lose yourself in this relationship or neglect your needs or you could become resentful. Its tantamount to emotionall blackmail what she is doing even though its without intent or malice, you are letting her get away with it and so this behaviour will continue.

 

You can't be her saviour, her all, her night and day and she needs to realise that for her OWN good.

 

You are stll very young and need to keep hold of your friends, dont risk losing them.

[laboheme]

I think that if you insist on hanging out with your friends on your own and having her spend some time with hers, she might make you out to be selfish and critical...Instead, I would focus on the fact that you're always bickering nowadays. Point that out to her and say that you think it's the result of spending too much time together. I think that's your best bet, to prove that spending a little more time apart would actually improve the relationship. Make sure she knows that you want the best for both of you and that you're trying to avoid a breakup rather than trying to instigate one.

[eleanorrigby1]

I think that if you insist on hanging out with your friends on your own and having her spend some time with hers, she might make you out to be selfish and critical...Instead, I would focus on the fact that you're always bickering nowadays. Point that out to her and say that you think it's the result of spending too much time together. I think that's your best bet, to prove that spending a little more time apart would actually improve the relationship. Make sure she knows that you want the best for both of you and that you're trying to avoid a breakup rather than trying to instigate one.

 

yes she MIGHT try and say he is being selfish, but he ISNT. I think the point here is that the relationship is not HEALTHY. Why should you walk on egg shells? why should you ASK and BEG to be allowed to see your mates?!

 

I wouldn't stand for that as a female and so would never expect my boyfriend to ask 'permission'. He rings me and says "next sat babe Im out with the lads... so you know.." and I said "cheers I will ring Helen and Sophie and lisa.." he doesnt say "could i possibly trouble you enough to let me perhaps... maybe..... go out without you for just one night?!! please, im so sorry if this seems selfish and it hurts you/...im sure it will improve our relaitonship....." can you see how ridiculous that sounds?

 

I can see where you are coming from and I am not disagreeing with you harshly, your post is helpful and contains some good advice about maybe the fact you spend so much time togethe is affecting the relationship.

 

I suppose my main concern is that once you two start getting on well again, stop bickering, she may think "Oh okay now we can go back to being glued at the hip...why would you want to go out with your friends when everything is perfect with us? why why? why dont you want to be with me?!"

 

Spending time apart needs to be part of the relationship, not a simple 'fix it'

[Survictor]

Just drop in casually that you are going out with your brother, sister, friend, teacher on Saturday for example. Let her know that you will not see her than day but you are looking forward to seeing her on Sunday. It should be a statement of what you plan to do rather than a question.

 

If she pushes to see you, explain you think it isn't healthy to be with one another all the time and without time apart, you don't value the times you are together.

 

I love my own space, I love being with my husband. You could tell her that:

 

I enjoy my own time and space. I enjoy my own company. I also enjoy being with you more and I do see you more than I have my own private time. I just need some private time to myself but it doesn't mean I don't want to be with you or I don't love or care for you.

[fnlyfrei]

I am sort of going through the same thing...dating someone new, we are crazy for each other...(not 11 months like you though..yet) and there are times that we both need some space ! I actually feel better when I have a day or two on my own...and yes, there are times we both feel a bit insecure about being apart. She needs to know that when you aren't together that you still love her, and that you are coming back. And...make sure that you also give her the time to be off doing whatever she likes with her friends and you aren't acting clingy too....my boyfriend seems cool about it when HE plans time for himself..but when I do the same..or it's my choice...I can tell he isn't too excited. But it runs both ways. It's about trust.

[shep88ner]

Does she have a few issues of the insecurity-possessiveness variety going on here? I don't think its so healthy to want to be with anyone all the time, all day, every day. Doesn't she like SOME individual breathing space?

 

 

yes, unfortunately she does. her father left her and her mom when she was a little baby. so she has no father figure in her life at all. then her mom got engaged and he ended up leaving out of nowhere too. so she has a hard time trusting guys and she doesnt want to end up being hurt and rejected like that. she does have friends, she has a lot of friends. but most are just like, in-school friends. she doesnt go out a lot and hang out with people outside of school for some reason.

 

but she see's it like, if im hanging out with her then she thinks i dont like her as much and i dont want to be around her. and it's not like that at all.

 

early in our relationship, we did our own thing all the time. i took her home from school and droped her off and sometimes we didnt hang out. then one day she was kind of sick so i went over real early in the morning and we spent nearly all day together. and every since then it's like it's expected or it shows i dont care anymore.

 

her mom has even mentioned we spend too much time together and she's even scared my girlfriend will end up really hurt at the pace we're going at.

[kenlyn]

I think you and your girl need to sit down and have a serious talk. Tell her exactly how you feel about this situation and tell her that you need time to hang out with your friends sometimes. Let her know that this does not mean that you love her any less as a matter of fact because you love her and you wan t the relationshipto work that is why sometimes you both need to spend time with your friends.

 

I was in a relationship like that ....and it broke up cos I felt like I was suffocating after a while don't make the same mistake I did.... talk to your girl about it.

[shep88ner]

thank all of you for your advice. tonight we kind of had a small intro. talk about it. the big main talk about it is tomorrow. its going to be difficult but we'll see what happenes. we didnt have enough time for a long drawn out discussion so i just said, "we need to have a talk tomorrow about things. about the amount of time we spend together." and she started tearing up and said, "ok...i cant wait for that talk" all sarcastic and sad. and then i said, "it really will help us" and then she said, "i know, it's true...but it just hurts to hear it i guess".

 

so tomorrow is our talk. i'll let all of you know how it goes.

 

thanks again!