Oh, mothers-in-law...

[justpaisley]

My MIL is extremely controlling, overbearing, racist, xenophobic, homophobic, hypocritical, angry... just a real gem. She's also 71, so I don't have any hopes for a big change here - she's basically been the same for as long as my husband can remember, but it's gotten steadily worse over the years. It breaks my heart that she lives the way she does - she's driven away all of her family and friends, and she will probably die alone save for my own husband.

 

She has given us "advice" (read: told us what to do) on everything from when to have children to how to iron our clothes. She's always telling my husband to lose weight as though he's completely oblivious to the fact that he is overweight and a major candidate for diabetes. Every visit to her is a big preach-fest, as is every call he makes to her.

 

After years of me stomaching her abusive behavior (she gets angry when her "advice" isn't heeded), she said something really horrible about my parents and from that day I resolved not to speak to her unless completely necessary. I'm a big believer in cutting off toxic relationships. That was April of '05, and I've only spoken to her when she evacuated here after Hurricane Katrina and when we drove down there for my husband's high school reunion so she could meet our son for the first time.

 

Let me say that neither my husband nor I are passive people when it comes to her controlling nature, we both stand up for ourselves and do what we feel is right regardless of how she feels, which usually only stokes her fire. Whenever she goes on the prowl towards me, my husband is quick to stand up for me and basically tell her to back off in the respectful way only a good Southern son can do. One of the big reasons that I did marry my husband despite his mother is that he DOES stand up to her.

 

Y'all guessed it, Christmas is coming. I want my son to know his grandma, especially since she's 71 and her years of anger are taking a toll on her health. We're going to visit her for an undetermined amount of time after Christmas.

 

Do I have any hope that a mature conversation between her and the person she thinks ruined her son's life would yield results, or do her age and history preclude any hopes of familial harmony? Should I just suck it up for the entire weekend and put on my best "Thank you for your concern?" I really want my son and my MIL to have a relationship, unless she starts treating my son this way or degrading me in front of him. There's no way I'm letting my son go there without me - I have major separation anxiety because he was born 3 months early and was in the hospital for 2 months. So what do I do? I've never really attempted a "talk" with her before, because I just think she'll get angry and shut down, and that nothing will change BECAUSE she's so old and set in her ways.

 

Seriously, she has NO reason not to like me. I haven't ruined her son's life - we are moderately successful, have a good bit of money in savings and a lot more in retirement investments, and are very happily married. She wanted my husband to marry someone else and said that to him when he told her we were getting married, right after she said I was worthless because I don't have a college degree (nor does she) and said I'd be nothing but a drain on my hubby's finances. It's just been an uphill battle from there. I hate that my husband thinks that his mother thinks that he's just a giant moron, because she really has done a great job - my husband is a responsible, intelligent, loving Christian man... yet he can't remember her ever saying that she's proud of him.

 

Can y'all believe this is the short story?? I had written a much longer post, but had to delete it, walk away, and start all over again because the subject just brings me down really bad.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Hey Paisley!!

 

I have a "gem" (as you put it) for a mother-in-law as well! They sound like sisters.

 

I guess if it were me, I would just suck it up for the weekend - is that possible? I know how difficult I find it to bite my tongue and I'm not sure for what reason - I guess to keep the peace - but I find it VERY trying sometimes.

 

But the kids never have a hint of the animosity and usually always have a great time with grandma.

 

I guess for the sake of your son, for the sake of the old crotchety grandma - maybe you could take the high road - YET AGAIN - and be the bigger person.

 

Your son AND your husband will thank you for it....

[pregnantkitty_1985]

 

Let me say that neither my husband nor I are passive people when it comes to her controlling nature, we both stand up for ourselves and do what we feel is right regardless of how she feels, which usually only stokes her fire.

 

At least you stand up for yourselves which says a lot. You can't control her reactions.

 

Whenever she goes on the prowl towards me, my husband is quick to stand up for me and basically tell her to back off in the respectful way only a good Southern son can do. One of the big reasons that I did marry my husband despite his mother is that he DOES stand up to her.

 

And that's a good man to have. No one wants a weak one who lets his mother push him around. I've been there, done that. Too many men are still, stuck to the shall we saaaaaay.

 

Y'all guessed it, Christmas is coming. I want my son to know his grandma, especially since she's 71 and her years of anger are taking a toll on her health. We're going to visit her for an undetermined amount of time after Christmas.

 

It's admirable that you would put aside your difference for the sake of your son. So whether she causes trouble or not, at least you can say you tried. I'd try my best to avoid her and let your son and her bond, if that's even possible.

 

Do I have any hope that a mature conversation between her and the person she thinks ruined her son's life would yield results, or do her age and history preclude any hopes of familial harmony? Should I just suck it up for the entire weekend and put on my best "Thank you for your concern?" I really want my son and my MIL to have a relationship, unless she starts treating my son this way or degrading me in front of him. There's no way I'm letting my son go there without me - I have major separation anxiety because he was born 3 months early and was in the hospital for 2 months. So what do I do? I've never really attempted a "talk" with her before, because I just think she'll get angry and shut down, and that nothing will change BECAUSE she's so old and set in her ways.

 

Couldn't hurt to try. However I'm guessing she is, as you say, "too old and set in her ways." Someone who's been harbouring such hate for other people for so long aren't likely to have a life-changing relevation after one conversation. Not to sound pessismistic but good luck.

 

 

And in regards to the rest of your post; sometimes in life we will encounter people who, no matter how hard we try, no matter how nice we are, will dislike us. Seems this is the case with your mother-in-law. And it's clearly not you, it's her, as she's alienated her entire family. I wouldn't be too worried, unless she starts behaving this way toward your son. Hmm hope you come back and update 'cause I'm curious to see how all of this turns out.

[Beec]

Wow, I cannot really say what you should do. I think that yes, she needs to know that you wills tand up for you, and not tolerate mistreatment of your son. But, otherwise, I think you are going to end up having to take some of her bile.

 

I don't get this, but I also would not be so quick to give her credit. My grandfather was an SOB, but my father is one heck of a man despite his father. Of course, his mother was wonderful to her children. So maybe, it's your father-in-law or someone else that did the really good job.

 

My father eventually isolated us from his father. I think it might be your husband who needs to come to that final decision.

[justpaisley]

I have a "gem" (as you put it) for a mother-in-law as well!

 

We could start the biggest club in the country. I've met so many people with the same problem, it's unbelievable. Turning out like her is my biggest fear, because I can be very controlling as well, and I've worked HARD to quell the controlling beast within. I just don't ever, EVER want my son to feel so burdened by me that he doesn't want to see me, and only talks to me because I'm his mother. I'm so scared of that, y'all don't even know.

 

Couldn't hurt to try.

 

That's what I'm thinking. Part of me thinks that I won't be able to help it, and something will just pop out of my mouth. It's going to be hard to control myself. I'd love to have a mature discussion with her, but I just don't know if it's possible.

 

I don't get this, but I also would not be so quick to give her credit.

 

Oh don't kid yourself, I give my FIL a LOT of credit. I can't explain how unfettered by issues my husband is, when he should by all rights be ridiculously insecure, angry, and all kinds of other such things. I can't imagine never being told by my mom that she was proud of me. I never met my FIL - he died before I met my husband - but my husband insists that I would have loved him. He said he was a lot like the dad on "Everybody Loves Raymond." But just the funny parts, not the real crotchety parts.

 

Thanks everyone for your replies. Stay tuned after Christmas to see if we're out of the will.

[AwdreeHpburn]

We could start the biggest club in the country. I've met so many people with the same problem, it's unbelievable. Turning out like her is my biggest fear, because I can be very controlling as well, and I've worked HARD to quell the controlling beast within. I just don't ever, EVER want my son to feel so burdened by me that he doesn't want to see me, and only talks to me because I'm his mother. I'm so scared of that, y'all don't even know.

 

 

 

Dude..I have said that same thing sooo many times and for the same reasons.

 

I've heard so many people say their mother in law is JSUT like this and I started thinking...is that just how mother-in-laws are?? Am I going to be like that???

 

 

Ohhhh I hope not!

[caro33]

Is there ANYTHING she likes that you can use to help facilitate a relationship between her and your son? A restaurant you can take her to ("this is so expensive, I'm glad SOME people are happy wasting money"), a flower she likes ("who thought of these, you know they make me allergic"), eerr...yes.

 

And people like that get nastier and more cantankerous as they get older, right about when you are expected to forgive them anything and look after them!

 

A tough one, and all I can suggest is try and keep a detached perspective here - you're the happy one. You're the bright sunny one with the lovely family, the friends, oh and the youth also. She's alone, without her husband, no friends, probably scared, and too set in her ways to do a Scrooge and learn from Christmas future. She may well have nothing to look forward to in life - whe you really think about that, all its implications, how terrifying for her. Not that I'm saying she doesn't get what she deserves.

 

You're being good making sure your son has some chance at a relationship, and that doesn't mean you have to put up with any BS from her. But keep in mind that no matter how awful she is, you are the one with all the power. You have her worked out, she has nothing on you. You get to go home to all that happy life she probably covets, all that companionship and youth.

[justpaisley]

Ta - My own mom is INCREDIBLE. She's literally never once given her two cents without being asked first. I could tell a few times that she wanted to, so I asked, but she never butts in. She respects our privacy and decisions so much, sometimes almost to a fault. My husband loves having her over, loves when she comes over. How many husbands can you say that about? She's one of the few moms I know that backed the heck off when her kids became adults. I'm gonna need my mom to write a book.

 

Caro33 - she does seem to love my son. She was... underwhelmed at best about my pregnancy, asking about our cats instead of my health and the health of the baby. And when I went into labor 3 months early, her first question was "Will your insurance cover everything?" My husband actually hung up on her for that one. But she does have a photo album of him and calls my husband every 2 months or so asking for new pictures of him. She always asks about him, and has her own pet names for him and stuff.

 

It doesn't make me happy that she's miserable and I'm not. She's created her own world and anything that deviates from what she thinks should happen creates internal chaos for her and it really breaks my heart. I've considered interfering to the point of calling her doctor and asking that he recommend either anti-depressants or an exercise class or something. If she listens to anyone, it's not her idiot son or her delinquent daughter-in-law, it's her doctor. I just don't know that her doctor would do anything like that. She did go on Zoloft once because her doctor thought she had a high level of anxiety that was keeping her from sleeping, but she thought it was a sleeping pill and when it didn't work to that effect, she stopped taking it.

 

Blah...

[AwdreeHpburn]

Wow - well, that's where our similarities end then Paisley - cos my mom is a FA-REEK!

[Helen67]

My two cents, I don't know how much you and your husband change when your MIL is around, you know like being at bit more subdued, or watching what you say in case it may offend her etc...?

 

All I would suggest is that you both behave exactly as you would in your own family environment. If she wishes to ignore you at the dinner table say, then just have a conversation with your hubby and son, just as you normally would. If she starts to critisise in any way, then just with chin up and a smile change the subject, don't give her any chance to belittle you and especially think to yourself, she will not do this in front of my son!

 

If also you feel she is saying either derogatory things about you to your son, or, is preaching any of her racist opinions to him, just calmly take his hand and tell him you'll go play a game, or take him for a walk.

 

I too think you have a fantastic hubby who will defend you against her, there are too few who will do this. And b/c of his strenght for you, you should be able to hold your head up high and be proud for yourself and what you two have created together in your lives.

 

Good luck to you, and I also would love to know how it went, I'm just nosey me!!

 

I'm sure you will be fine, and happy holidays!!!

[caro33]

It doesn't make me happy that she's miserable and I'm not. She's created her own world and anything that deviates from what she thinks should happen creates internal chaos for her and it really breaks my heart. I've considered interfering to the point of calling her doctor and asking that he recommend either anti-depressants or an exercise class or something. If she listens to anyone, it's not her idiot son or her delinquent daughter-in-law, it's her doctor. I just don't know that her doctor would do anything like that. She did go on Zoloft once because her doctor thought she had a high level of anxiety that was keeping her from sleeping, but she thought it was a sleeping pill and when it didn't work to that effect, she stopped taking it.

 

Blah...

 

I realise I came accross as a bit nasty, I certainly didn't mean to suggest you take pleasure from her sadness. But it also sounds like you have done all you can and she's still unhappy and unpleasant. Some people are just like this.

 

I know that if someone upsets me in this kind of situation it helps me to think about where they are coming from, whether it's personal. If I realise they are not treating me different from others, and that they have their own issues, it helps me take things less personally and makes the comments sting less.

 

I think Helen has a point, sounds like a good strategy.

 

I wish you all the best, hope it is minimally painful, and I hope that she is able to surprise you (and herself!) by being a bit easier to handle. We may live in hope.

[justpaisley]

Well, y'all, it wasn't so bad.

 

Hubby and I went down Thursday and spent 2 nights at her house, something I swore I'd never do again. (Having children changes things.) I promised myself I just wouldn't argue with her.

 

I let a lot go in order to comply with that promise...

 

-She went off on a rant about the mountain climbers that went missing/died on Mount Hood. "Don't they have anything better to do? What in the WORLD would make you want to go climbing there in the dead of winter? Couldn't they go feed the poor or something?" Mind you, the last time she fed the poor was... never, but I kept my mouth shut.

 

-She must have told me every ten minutes that my son, who was born 3 months early, was lucky to be alive, and that he would have died if he had been born 30 years earlier. Yeah, I know, lady, I don't need a constant reminder that my kid could have died. I saw with my own eyes the massive efforts to keep him alive. I've spent nearly 5 months trying to repress those memories. Shush.

 

-The freakin' floodlights!!!!!! During the middle of the day, sun shining through the window, I was making my baby a bottle and she told me to turn the floodlights (i.e. the lights over the sink) on. While I didn't need them, my promise to myself stood, and I turned them on. A few hours later, the child got hungry again, go figure, and I went to make him a bottle. Sun's still shining through the window, but the woman can't handle the fact that I didn't turn the lights on. She SIGHS and tells my husband to turn them on since I haven't gotten used to using them yet. I didn't need them, dangit. I was making a bottle in sunlight that was more than sufficient, not playing Operation. Oh, how I wanted to yell...

 

-My GOD, who would ever want to become a police officer? They don't get paid anything, and what a thankless job. What kind of nut would want to become a police officer? They start at $35K a year, for heaven's sake, that's pennies, you can't support a family on that! (Ugh. My husband was offered slightly more than that in entry-level positions in the South in his field of work - that's why he moved to California after graduating, for the higher pay grade. She just hates anyone that's remotely blue-collar. She's such a hypocrite - she was raised in the bayou by blue-collar Cajuns... then she married herself a lawyer, moved into a 6000 square foot house on the good side of town, and now she's all that and a bag of diamonds.)

 

-I probably should have argued with her on this one... Since my son was born 3 months early, he's got a compromised immune system and is highly susceptible to RSV, which is like a cold in everyone else, but more like a deadly flu in preemies. Because of this, I force everyone to wash their hands repeatedly before touching my child or at least use antibacterial gel (like Purell) to kill most of the germs on their hands. (He does get a shot every month to prevent RSV and/or reduce its severity, but it doesn't hurt to be extra careful.) The woman didn't get it. My husband talked to her THREE times about it, and after the third time, I just turned my son around every time she came near him. She had a dang runny nose and kept wiping it and while the giant vat of Purell was sitting right there, she either kept forgetting to use it or just refused to, although she was talked to THREE TIMES about it. That one really ticked me off, because I am extremely careful to whom I expose my son. I don't think we'll be going to see her again until after RSV season.

 

-I did pop off once, over something completely stupid. She wondered aloud why the Eiffel Tower hadn't been attacked because of all the "disgusting Ay-rab terrorists in the world" and I, without thinking, said "because France doesn't constantly stick their noses or military into things that aren't their concern." Shouldn't have said it. I kept my mouth zipped during the subsequent Fox News regurgitation.

 

Ah well, seriously, it wasn't so bad. The hubster was a good commiserator, and my son played quite the buffer. She LOVES him, which is kinda surprising. He is, after all, tainted with my DNA, which has blue-collar roots and all.

 

Like I said, we won't be going back for at least 4 months, after the worst of RSV season is over. If she's going to be forgetful about keeping herself clean, I won't have my son around her. I won't risk him being sick... he's already spent 2 months in a hospital, I can't bear the thought of it happening again, and literally everyone else I know takes my anti-germ fervor seriously. I don't even have to tell my friends and family to wash their hands when they come in the house, they just do it. People don't even think of coming to my house when they're sick or have been sick. Why couldn't she get the point?

 

And now for a little positive before I end this already long post... She cooked. MAN she cooked. As I said before, she's Cajun, so the woman is seriously amazing. We had crawfish pie, fried shrimp, link removed, barbecue, garlic bread... ohhhh, mama. Definitely the highlight of the stay. Oh, and her neighbor told her to take the rest of the lemons off of his tree before the next hard freeze because he would be out of town. She took like 20, but there were still a ton left, so my husband picked about 30 off of the tree. We gave a few to my parents, a few to my grandma, and I've made 2 batches of lemon bars and a loaf of lemon bread. Next up... lemon garlic chicken. These lemons are seriously beautiful. That tree was like the only thing in his yard that survived Hurricane Katrina - his house was completely gutted!

 

I will be very surprised if anyone read all of that, but it felt good to get off my chest. Thanks to everyone for the support!!! I'll be back in a few months when (if) we go visit again!