Lookin in the rear view mirror...

[uplateandlonely]

Hi guys,

 

How do you start looking forwards? I have become almost obsessive about thinking about the good times. I have put her on a pedastal - despite my logic telling me this isn't quite how she was.

 

How do you stop yourself going mad with the memories of what was so good? I am on meds (only one week so far) AND I am seeing a therapist and still I seem unable to accept it, take it and move on. I guess I still cant believe that she left me - no sign that there was anything wrong and not really a reason either. (She received a letter from her mum saying how much she needs to think carefully about living such a sinful life - gay - and that she will burn in hell). 4 weeks later its all over. The house plans, the job move, the lot. That was 7 weeks ago and whilst I have gotten through the 'zombie' shock phase I don't feel I'm getting any better. I know time heals, and I know you cant tell me how long but I'm starting to panic that I'm getting really stuck with this and I cant let go which means Im going to feel this miserable for ever.

 

I cant bear the idea that thisa is how life will be from now on - especially since its been so good for the last 4 years. I cant believe it is ever going to get better. I dont know how to get through Christmas and New year. I feel so low and desperate.

 

Thanks for reading

 

Claire

[laboheme]

The best way to stop thinking about the past is to keep yourself busy. When we're bored with nothing to do, it's all too easy to start thinking about everything that was good...but if we're constantly occupied, we tend to think about the task at hand rather than the ideas in our head. Throw yourself into your job, spend tons of time with friends, join a new club, start working out on a regular basis, finid a TV show that you can get addicted to, get some absorbing books...Just make sure that your activities aren't "mindless."

 

As far as looking forward to the future...like you said, that will come in time. Browse this forum and read the stories of people who successfully got over their relationships...How the breakup helped them get their own life together, how they met somebody a thousand times better than their ex, etc. You may not be able to relate to those posts for a while -- I know I wasn't -- but little by little they get through to you and give you hope. I know I was talking to my coworker a while ago, who broke up with his ex of 3 years...but is now happily dating somebody else. He gets so giddy talking about his new catch, that his optimism is addictive. Surround yourself with positive people like that, they will help drag you out of your pain.

 

Most importantly, remember that life WON'T be like this from now on. It will never be the same, that's for sure, but little by little, you'll regain happiness. First alone...then with somebody else.

 

Hang in there! *hugs*

[stunned]

Claire,

 

I'm sorry you're hurting so much. I feel and share your pain. [This week marked the 3rd week since my ex gf left. We had lived together almost 7 years and had been in a relationship almost 7 1/2 years. My ex left because her oldest daugher (a 40-something) asked her to come be a live-in babysiter for that daugher's grandchild. (Long story in my first post--ex's family has some real problems.) My ex didn't even have the courage to tell me what she was going to do, she just left in secret.]

 

You're taking the right steps to begin healing. Counseling will help--I'm taking a therapist-led online course on eliminating depression since I'm in a rural mountainous area and can't get to a therapist, in person this time of year. Laboheme is right. Throw yourself in to life. Get involved in as many activities as you can. Staying busy will help minimize the amount of time you may dwell on your loss. Try not to think about your ex, rather focus on your needs and healing yourself. With all that said, you're still going to have ups and downs and shed tears. Come here when you're down. We all understand what you're going through and will try to help you through the bad days.

 

The holidays are stressful at the best of time and this year they'll be absolutely horrible for many of us. Spend them with friends and family. Try to minimize the amount of time you spend alone and might think about the ex. I actually cried today after I was invited over to a new friend's house on Christmas Day. This thoughtful person is one of the people I met in a new not-for-profit group I joined after my ex left. Knowing I was alone, she and her husband decided to invite me to their celebration. I had thought I'd just be spending the day with my 4-footed kids since my extended family and long-time friends are thousands of miles away. Now at least I'll be with people for a several hours. It will definitely make the day more enjoyable.

 

Hang in there Claire. Things will begin to get better. Just remember that you're not alone.