Normal?

[GoneAgain]

I miss my father.

 

I just left! Just now! I'm going through court stuff still! I just.......feel depressed.

 

I feel guilty for doing all of this. Part of me just wants to stop everything, say I was just being stupid, and go back in time to the way it use to be. I know that sounds really stupid, I didn't enjoy him when he was a jerk and all, which was fairly constant if at home, but when he wasn't at home...when he was in public (for the most part) he was ok! He was a good guy to everyone he knew! My friends liked him, when they did't know how he acted when they wheren't there, and so did everyone else that met him!

 

He was such a good guy to others! He helped kids a lot, like if he saw a kid crying (little kid) he would go make sure everything was ok and help find his parents and all and he worked hard at work, so I'm told at least.

 

It was only when we where home that I hated. He was such a completely different person! I don't know what it was! A lot of the time, I didn't evenknow what set him off, but when it did it really set him off! And things got bad real quick.

 

But still, even as unhappy as I was when I was there, I just feel worse right now. I feel more depressed...I don't know why! I don't like this! What's wrong with me? Is it normal to want to go back to thing like they where before even knowing what would happen, or am I just crazy?

[Newo Ikkin]

You're most certainly not crazy - and you're most certainly doing the right thing.

I have a strong respect for you for just escaping an abusive situation.

Is there anybody you can talk to?

[GoneAgain]

You're most certainly not crazy - and you're most certainly doing the right thing.

I have a strong respect for you for just escaping an abusive situation.

Is there anybody you can talk to?

 

Not really....my brother is staying with his best friends parents, they basically have custody of him....though I think it's temperary right now, but not sure about that. They have asked me to stay away from there right now though, as my brother is dealing with anger issues directed at me for some reason. I relaly haven't done anything to him really, someone on here said it's misdirected anger that's normal I guess. But they are going to get my brother to see a therapist I guess. And I'm the one that he's directed the anger at so they want me tojust stay away until he can work through his problems.

 

Otherwise I have no friends really. None that I'd talk to about this.....even my closest friends I don't talk about this with.

[Newo Ikkin]

Well you always have us. No-one is EVER alone, despite how much it may feel that way.

PM me if you ever need it.

Its good that your brother is getting help, very good. Thats one step towards progress. You both gotta hang on.

[GoneAgain]

Well you always have us. No-one is EVER alone, despite how much it may feel that way.

PM me if you ever need it.

Its good that your brother is getting help, very good. Thats one step towards progress. You both gotta hang on.

 

I know, and don't take this the wrong way, but typing to someone on the internet doesn't really feel like I'm typing to a real person. Not that you're not a real person! It just.....doesn't feel the same and a lot of the time I still feel lonley. Not that your help/advice isn't appreciated or taken to heart! It is, it just.......even though I know I'm talking to someone I still feel lonely I don't know, it's hard to explain.

 

I don't know, really I guess I thought things would get easier....that after I left it would be easier to get by and I'd be happier and all, but I'm not. I still feel so....isolated.

[friscodj]

Hey GA!

 

Great to hear from you. I have been wondering about you and your situation and as you know, I've been following it since post #1. I've been on ENA for almost a year now, made 3500 posts, and your situation sticks with me the most.

 

Your feelings are most certainly normal. The situation with your father touched you on deep emotional levels, probably deeper than any situation has before. Albeit rooted in negativity, it still touched you very deeply. This depth of touch is the key, along with the fact he is your family, your father, who has been in your life since birth.

 

And this went on for a while, establishing familiarity with such deep emotions. It is the loss of familiarity generating this positive rationalization of the situation at your expense. You see? You're putting yourself down, blaming yourself, questioning your sanity, which is exactly what your father's treatment of you said as well. These are residual effects of the impact the negative pattern had on you.

 

Do you remember the hot water he poured on your brother? Spraining your ankle after he pushed you? Do you remember how you felt? You remember those times and feelings whenever you start questioning this! Use these memories as your motivation to keep walking the righteous path here.

 

This situation was on its way to robbing you of your perspective on healthy relationships and your self-esteem, but you did an amazing thing and got yourself and your brother out of it. The memories will remain as will these urges to question and slip back into familiar, albeit, emotionally enemy territory with this.

 

There is no excuse or justification for abuse. So remember the good times but also remember the bad, and remember you saved the lives of yourself and your brother here I think, in many senses. You have my utmost respect for doing so GA. I am proud of you.

[GoneAgain]

Hey GA!

 

Great to hear from you. I have been wondering about you and your situation and as you know, I've been following it since post #1. I've been on ENA for almost a year now, made 3500 posts, and your situation sticks with me the most.

 

HI! Yes, I definetly remember you from my first posts! You where, and still are it seems lol, very helpful to me!

 

Your feelings are most certainly normal. The situation with your father touched you on deep emotional levels, probably deeper than any situation has before. Albeit rooted in negativity, it still touched you very deeply. This depth of touch is the key, along with the fact he is your family, your father, who has been in your life since birth.

 

And this went on for a while, establishing familiarity with such deep emotions. It is the loss of familiarity generating this positive rationalization of the situation at your expense. You see? You're putting yourself down, blaming yourself, questioning your sanity, which is exactly what your father's treatment of you said as well. These are residual effects of the impact the negative pattern had on you.

 

Yeah, I definetly see your point. I do like things to stay the same anyways, so yeah, that makes sense.

 

Do you remember the hot water he poured on your brother? Spraining your ankle after he pushed you? Do you remember how you felt? You remember those times and feelings whenever you start questioning this! Use these memories as your motivation to keep walking the righteous path here.

 

Yeah, I remember ....though I was trying to just forget. But yeah, I definetly remember, but I can't help but think that maybe going through all this stuff with the courts maybe let him realize it wasn't right and that he needs to change...I mean it's possible that he just now realizes how bad he was right?

 

This situation was on its way to robbing you of your perspective on healthy relationships and your self-esteem, but you did an amazing thing and got yourself and your brother out of it. The memories will remain as will these urges to question and slip back into familiar, albeit, emotionally enemy territory with this.

 

There is no excuse or justification for abuse. So remember the good times but also remember the bad, and remember you saved the lives of yourself and your brother here I think, in many senses. You have my utmost respect for doing so GA. I am proud of you.

 

Your right, I know your right. I just, I just wish things where different. But I guess everyone wishes that at time huh?

 

Is that your daughter in your profile? She has very pretty eyes!!!!!!

[friscodj]

Hey GA-

 

In order for your Dad to truly change, he needs a lot of therapy GA. Is this distance or legal matter the "therapy" he needs? Think of it more like aspirin, perhaps. Things would probably be OK for a while, until the situation "wore off" after which it would go right back to the way it was, or worse.

 

And this legal issue could easily fuel his rage more. Just look what happened the last time you did something he didn't like when you got your job? Remember that...

 

And I know this is extremely hard for you, and you want this all to go away or back to the way it was. Realize your feelings are still wrapped up in this negative pattern and the best thing to do is in this realization and the resulting defamation of such thoughts and feelings. Just knowing and believing they are spawned from negativity makes them not credible. They are certainly real, you feel them, and that is normal, but believe you are doing the right thing here GA.

 

P.S. That is my newest cousin in my profile. She does have pretty eyes!

[GoneAgain]

You're right. Maybe after things get more normal, my brother seeing me and court stuff over with, then it'll get better. Any words of wisdom about moving on?

 

...Your cousin I thought was your daughter cause she has the same color eyes as you, she is really adorable!

[friscodj]

Hey GA-

 

Things will definitely get better after they become more normal, creating new familiarity, and there is an acceptance of the situation.

 

So the normalcy will take care of itself in time. Stay the course, and in the meantime, focus on getting yourself and your brother taken care of.

 

The acceptance is going to be tougher and may take a lot of time. This goes for you and your brother. First, you've got to understand the situation for what it is and believe that you are doing the right thing here. This belief and conviction is your foundation. You can also help yourself understand by helping your brother understand the situation. I think explaining it to him from different angles many times will help you understand and gain comfort in this as well.

 

But regardless of what you do, this is going to be uncomfortable for a while. Expect it to be astronomically difficult so when it turns out to be difficult but not that difficult, the relative difference will be positive.

[Juliana]

Actually this is just about the only thing that can make someone like this change. As you describe him, he puts up such a good front in public, he has no one pointing out to him that his behaviour is not acceptable. Now he has to explain himself to authority figures, and hopefully, that will cause him to begin, through the entire process, to recognize that there is something really wrong with what he did. That the self-control he exercises in public has to be extended to his behaviour at all times, and he needs to understand why he chose not to do that.

 

And this is healing for you, as well, as you now have left the strange nightmare world of the abusive secret you had to keep, and brought his behaviour out into the light of day. You don't have lie or cover up things any more. Painful as it all is, it really is for the best, for everyone.

[GoneAgain]

I'm really trying hard right now to just get on with my life.....to get on the right track to being a better, more capable person. I don't mean not dealing or acknowledging what the past brought, but I am trying to be a better person, to not whine so much, to not have so much pity for myself. I know others have problems to and though I was never been one to put my problems on to anyone else, I'm trying also not to not deal with them. Though I have a inkling that will be harder then it sounds. But I'll try my best none the less.

 

And it's hard.....their is that real strong feeling I get that just puts me down, puts everything I do and everything I am down and makes me feel like no matter what I do it just won't work out, that I make things worse. But right now I have the attitude that if I just force myself to think better, to not put myself down (which is a lot harder then you'd think! as I catch myself slipping every once in a while and have to mentally reprimand myself for doing it!) and to just have an over-all brighter outlook.....not to say it's a very bright outlook....more like a dim one but still....better then before....that I will be ok, that things will get better from my own making.

 

I know what ya'll are thinking......this is a much diferent attitude then before huh? Well.....as weird as it sounds I've been hooked on a certain anime show (japanese cartoons) and well....it gives me hope. The characters on it give me hope, though I know it isn't real and they are not real, but the conviction which they continue to try their best without giving up even when they've had hard times just........makes me feel hopeful for myself. That one day it will get better that I can't just sit on my butt and wait for that day, that I need to make that day. I need to work for that day....or else that day may never come.

 

 

 

Maybe it will make him change, though I'm not going to waste my time on it.

 

I took somet time to seriously think about all of this and I came to the conclusion that even if given the chance I don't want to have any contact with my father, at least for a long time. You guys are right, I need to deal with all of my stuff and help my brother before even thinking of seeing if my father changes!

[friscodj]

Hey GA-

 

I think your day has already come for you. I don't think you fully realize the impact this series of events will have on your life and that of your brother. What you did was huge and I am very happy for you.

 

Like I said before, you exhibit wisdom and maturity far beyond your years. There is no doubt in my mind that you both are now and will be much better off. Your outlook is so bright it is blinding me!

 

Stay the course with this. Everything you are doing sounds great. Realize years of abuse by your father has made it so that you will feel more guilt and out yourself down. You're free from this now. In time, you will see this more clearly and these feelings you describe will subside.

 

As far as anime, find whatever sources of hope to help you through this. But quite honestly, from reading your posts here and from before, you sure are one tough young lady! I should be asking you for advice!

[GoneAgain]

Thanks, friscodj.

 

The weather has been really bad here! The winds where horrible, a tree fell on my roomates car!!!! Luckily he wasn't in it and luckily it wasn't on the apartment, but it sucks still for him. the power has been off and it's been really cold. But it's on now.

[friscodj]

Thanks, friscodj.

 

The weather has been really bad here! The winds where horrible, a tree fell on my roomates car!!!! Luckily he wasn't in it and luckily it wasn't on the apartment, but it sucks still for him. the power has been off and it's been really cold. But it's on now.

 

Well, hopefully his insurance will cover the car...at least it didn't fall on him...

 

Are you OK GA? How are things going? Are the holidays creating any extra tension for you in a situation like this?

[GoneAgain]

Well, hopefully his insurance will cover the car...at least it didn't fall on him...

 

Are you OK GA? How are things going? Are the holidays creating any extra tension for you in a situation like this?

 

Yeah, I'm glad it didn't fall on anyone!

 

I'm trying to be ok, I'm really trying to just stick with it ya know? I want to be a better person, I really really want to be! I just honestly don't know how I can accomplish this. I don't know how to be less..............me lol. I know that I want to be who I *should* be, not someone like who I *am*. I want to be..........better.

 

I'll try explaining that differently cause it probably doesn't make sense lol.

 

Right now I am a person who doesn't do much, who doesn't accomplish much of anything. I've changed nothing for the better, I've changed more for the worse. I am not fun to be around, I can't escape this constant feeling of self-hatred, which makes me feel sad all the time. Makes me feel angry, and I don't think I can do anything for anyone in this state. I try to do things for people, for animals, but I mess everything up. I just make it worse whatever I do and then the self hatred gets worse and so does the sadness and feeling of just ....being empty.

 

So I want to be one of those happy people, the people others *enjoy* being around! The ones that makes others feel happy! People that actually help society, help others, help animals, are a good influence on society. Makes the world a better place, if only in a small area, but stilll....changes things for the better. That don't feel such pity for themselves and doesn't constantly whine and aren't so worthless.

 

I just don't know how to do this. I made a thread about self-esteem.....I was thinking maybe if I had better of that I'd be a better person. I'd actually be able to do something for the better...ya know? does that make sense?

[friscodj]

Hey GA-

 

I can see your feelings of self-hatred showing through in your last PM. Sorry to hear that.

 

Look, I don't know if my words will get through this veil of self-hatred or not but I absolutely think you are an amazing woman. You have overcome so much, you have done the right things, and did it all with class and maturity of someone twice your age. I've made 3,500 + posts on ENA and helped out a lot of people (I think...) and your situation, how you handled yourself, and what it says about your character sticks with me the most. The most! 3,500+ posts and yours sticks with me the most! In fact, whenever I think about your story, it motivates me to be a better person. What do you think about that?

 

So give yourself a break! You've gotten used to abuse, no need to abuse yourself! You've helped yourself, helped your brother, in many senses helped your father. That was epic. When the dust settles on that, you'll be happier, more fun to be around, and will help more people and more animals once you get settled and more stable financially. That will all happen in time. Just be patient and remember the reasons you are feeling the way you feel...because you have gotten used to abuse and think that's what you deserve. That's normal. It's OK.

 

You are away from that now. Given time, you'll become the person you hope to be. Actually, you already are that person now but you need to get yourself in a position emotionally, mentally, and financially before she can realize her full potential. You are taking steps to do that, you are on the right track, and better times await you.

 

Your best weapon against these negative thoughts is your awareness of them and knowledge of their source. Keep talking yourself through them and simply take it easy on yourself. The person who was just in a bad car accident is not expected to show up for a full day of work Monday morning, right? Same thing here, same type of situation. Give yourself some time to heal, as long as you need. You earned it.

[Survivng Victum]

Hun, Look up Narcissist and you will no doubt find he is just that.

They wont admit they have a problem, because they think there like everyone else and your the one nuts. They feed off of us, IF we let them.

Get away fast and dont look back.... while he may claim at times he does have issues and will get help, he wont. You let him back, he will be good for awhile. Once he thinks he has you, it will go back to old ways and even get worse. They think if you didn't keep your word last time, you wont now.

They feed off our love and concern, but they have no real amotions of there own.... They just act the way they think they have to in public, because everyone does. The will get very combatitive when you point out things they do that are hurtful and wrong. They blame everyone else for their failings but themselves.

THEY DON'T CHANGE !

hugz, God Bless

[GoneAgain]

I read what you wrote a coupld of days ago, and I took some time to think about it. To really just think about everything you said and everything I tell myself or do. You are right. I shouldn't be so negative.......I should realize my accomplashiments as well as my failures. And really, it's not the end of the world if I fail something right?

 

I also realized, part of me is afraid of becoming too self-centered if I am proud of my accomplishments and that in the end that would make me a worse person. But I mean, I can be happy with what I do well, and realize what I don't do well without being so negative and selfhating. My idea of what makes a good person good and a horrible person bad seems pretty messed up to me, but only when it's compared to me. I don't know why I see myself as worse then everyone else(really I understand it was because of my father making me feel like this), having to be held to unattainable standards, but that's how it is. I guess.....I just have to realize I'm human, that I'm fallible. First step complete, I realize this and I'm aware it's not good to be so negative. So next step is to keep mself from being so negagtive. I guess that's the first thing I should start working on!

 

Thanks friscodj! I know it has taken me a while to realize everything you have been saying about me being a good person and to fully realize the truth in that, so thank you for keeping at it and not letting me just brush it off

[friscodj]

Hi GA-

 

You most certainly possess wisdom and maturity beyond your years GA.

 

I think you are a good person with a good heart and if you just let go of your worries that you expressed above, I think you will naturally find balance with all of this. It seems like this fighting within yourself is only exacerbating the problem. It's like you are being hard on yourself for being hard on yourself!

 

You seem to be very hung up on the good vs. bad within yourself. I think your focus on this should be more situational. What I mean by that is just take some deep breaths, smile, enjoy your life right now and the direction it is going, focus on your job, your brother, getting yourself established financially, accept yourself and your situation. Then when a specific situation arises where you are facing the dichotomy of good vs. evil within yourself, address it then...then let it go. No need to wallow in it unnecessarily when you could be enjoying life...

 

And it should make you smile to look at your situation now and think back 6 months or so to what it was then...because doing so makes me smile...