First post/relationship advice needed

[Orfeo]

I guess I need to get this off my chest. If anyone wants to reply I'd appreciate it.

 

My gf and I started dating a year ago. I had just broken up with my long-term partner (7 years) and she had just gotten a divorce. We got each other through the pain with lots of affection, sex and alcohol. At first it was like we were just really good friends, and were really kind to each other. A few months went by and we fell in love with each other, and were very happy together. I had a temporary job accross the country and she came with me for four months - we lived together in a house with roommates and had a blast. We decided to live together when we got back.

 

Living together proved to be a bad decision - she's the type of woman that needs space, and I got a little depressed and couldn't find a full-time job. She ended up lending me $500 short term, and then after a few weeks was really angry about it and kicked me out of her apartment and broke up with me. I was heartbroken, and I apologized profusely and have paid her back most of the money and am working hard to finish paying her back. We got back together and broke up again about three times, we're "together" now but things aren't feeling right to me. She has said very hurtful things to me, like I'm not "good enough" for her, but then seems to change her mind again. The money is still an issue, but she says it won't be once I've completely paid her back.

 

Lately it feels like things are getting better, but not where they were supposed to be.

 

I've always had a problem of clinging too tightly. My dilemma is, should I let her go, or should I try to make it work? We both seem to vacillate back and forth on the issue. I'm the type of person to stick things out and make an effort, because I love her. I guess I need some guidance with this.

 

If you've made it this far, thanks a lot. If you have any advice, please give freely

[blender]

the ONLY thing you should be working on right now is YOURSELF, take all your energy and put it into you, getting a job, getting your sense of self back, if you are the type of person as you put it who: Likes to "stick things out and make an effort because of love"..

 

then start by sticking to and making the effort in getting your OWN LIFE IN ORDER so you can love yourself and (any woman) in the adequate, healthy, mature, responsible, caring way..

 

You are unfairly hoping that someone's love can validate you, well this is a race you will be running forever, because it doesn't work that way. YOU have to have your own self love, indentity, responsibility, financial independence, and make an effort to get your own life in order first... that is real love, when we make an effort to be at the top of our potential..

 

You seem like a nice guy who has a whole lot of potential, so go out there and make an effort to use it....

[Orfeo]

Thanks for the kind words. I totally agree that I need to get my own life in order. I guess I'm wondering if it's possible to do that while in a relationship. about the financial independence issue - the lack of a job was only temporary, and now I'm working 50 hours a week while doing a master's degree part-time. Not that she didn't have a reason to be mad, but I didn't have a job for a month. I wasn't living off of her or anything.

[blender]

If the love is mature, and respectful, then sure make an effort at both. REMEMBER It takes TWO to make the relationship successful, and if she is holding onto some resentment from some money you "owe her", well that seems so unloving, aren't you a "team" at this point, don't you try to help each other out?

 

Of course, it's also not so great that you haven't just paid her back already... it should be a priority for you to get that money back to her as soon as you can, if after you have finally paid her back, well, if she remains as if she is "not into making a clear intentional effort to be kind, loving and respectful", well then you really do need to move on...

 

Love is about sharing happiness and heartships with respect, and an intentional effort to work out differences with kindness and understanding, if you do not have these qualities in the relationship, then you are building a foundation on quicksand.. so just make sure you set some standards and values regarding how much energy you are willing to put into a relationship that might not have a "healthy" foundation to begin with.. you know what I mean? It's important to be pro-active in your life, and not simply a victim of circumstance.. make wise informed choices when it comes to your own precious heart..

[Orfeo]

Thanks blender. It turns out last night we had another big talk, and ended up ending the relationship for good. It was hard for me to ask about the state of the union directly, but it needed to happen. She admitted that she kept taking me back for companionship/sex, and not for me, and didn't love me. She said that she was in love with the way I loved her (?!) It was a mature and kind conversation on her part, but I am ripped apart right now. Time to pick up the pieces.