I need helpand quick I guess

[DreamerPL7]

Well here is my issue my mom has cancer like bad liver, brain,kidney,breast, melanoma. Well shes taking medication and chemo and radiation and im playing it as normal life cause i know she wants it that way she tries to make it seem that way, but i know it is not. Well here it is today my Mom told me to take some pics of our yard cause it snowed and she wanted show my grandma she lives in another country sooo ya. Well im really forgetful that is not a joke i forgot my coat in 4 degree weather after coming out of a store lol. So i forget and i remember at night. My dad comes in and starts talking about how shes getting worse and she can go at any moment. Im sitting there thinking thanks for the info but it doesnt help he does this all the time. Well he scares me sometimes i mean i know its bad i can see that but like the docs say its going alright and he still is on the edge. It makes me angry like i dont want to think of her as my sick mom i want here to be just my mom. She did everything in our house i mean everything she was amazing stillis just cant do all the stuff she used to. Well i picked up the slack on my end i knew i couldnt dump it on my dad and does he do yells at me for helping. I get mad at him and stop helping him. Next day he yells for not helping. Well today he comes in and yells at me for not taken the pics i said i forgot im sorry ill do it tomorrow first thing ill make sure. Well then he goes into this crying tone ive only seen him cry twice once when my mom was in the hospital and once when he got super super mad at me. Well he says i dont think we have much time left with here it could be a week a month or a year. Well i dont know if thats supposed to make me feel better about anything. I am trying to keep my hopes up but it keeps getting harder. Im not only afraid about my mom but my dad. I mean if my mom died i could take it it would be hard but i could take it and its not that i dont love her. It is just i know for how much she did if there is a god shes straight into heaven. Its just once i had this dream its kinda wat i think would happen its like a coffin and im standin there with my dad and he breaks down. Cries and cries and cries and ijust stand there and feel like crying but i cant it doesnt come out i just stand and look. Dude im about to cry right now from writing it down. I feel like if she died it would be such a blow he would contemplate suicide thats how bad it is. Cause he thinks the worst always and that makes me angry i tell him to have hope and hes like there is to litle to have. ](*,) thats how i feel i need advice please.

[Survictor]

I am so sorry for you all. Each of you is dealing with their own pain and coping with it the best they can. You Dad is perhaps trying to muster strength for later so he can cope and you are keeping it together now and coping now, just about. Both you and your Dad are feeling a great deal of sorrow and instead of reaching out and comforting one another, you are giving each other your anger instead and this is quite normal, I think. Again, it is just a coping strategy.

 

I think you need to all sit down and have a really honest heart to heart. I am sure that each of you will be relieved to face your fears together, rather than separately as you are doing at the moment.

 

I think that if you can lay all your cards on the table, tell each other how you feel, how you cope etc., you will all be more in tune with one another and therein you will all gain strength.

 

I pray you do.

 

This is a great community and I am sure that people here will offer you support.

[Beec]

Yikes. I don't really think I have ever been in your shoes. Dad had cancer, but I always had hope. And Mom could not bring me down. However, Mom was a worried mess during the whole time and called either my sister or myself everyday, sometimes both, and worried and cried to us on the phone. Dad did not want to talk about it, and did not want anyone to know, and she did to take out her worries and stress, but it really poured them right into us to some degree. I tried to not tell anyoen for a few days, but I could not do it and told a roommmate and soon after another friend. And talking with them, I made it through. Dad's fine now.

 

I think you need to let your father pour out some of his worries and find someone else to help you deal with them. That's a start. I also think that so long as your Mom is here, your father is not going to be that depressed. She fighting, so maybe you need to give you Dad some peptalks about fighting with and for her.

 

Otherwise, find someone to talk to and help keep your spirits up. I'm sure you can find someone here who'll lend you an ear. My prayers to your Mom.

[melrich]

Hi Dreamer,

 

What a terrible thing your family is going through. Your Dad is obviously feeling the strain too and I want you to understand that he loves you but the stress of all that is happening is perhaps causing him to not have the best judgement at the moment.

 

I really think you should take the initiative here and ask your dad for an honest sit down and talk.

 

Tell him what your feelings are, how you are trying to cope. Be honest with him and let him know how he is making you feel sometimes. Remind him that you are all in this together and you guys have to be united for your mom's sake.

 

I am really sure he wioll respond well to this approach but you will probably have to make some allowances, neither of you will always be in control of your emotions. You may even want to suggest some joint counselling or if you are religious getting together with your local clergyman.

 

You always have a place here to come to when you need to.

[DreamerPL7]

Here is the thing though i dont need to copei already have with the disease and the chance of her death. With me i dont fear death i fear painful death but not death in itself. With my father he fears being alone more than anything else and well hes 52 the dating scene is not to open to him. He is fearful after her there is nothing and i guess thats where the whole i think he will try suicide approach comes in. I only fear one andthat is not knowing but in this case I know its bad i know bad things can and probably will happen seemy dad's fear is seeping into me now but he cant cope with being alone. He keeps himself in a bubble only helping my mom and not looking past that to try to keep here alive as long as possible and i respect his devotion but he pushes me and my sister who is 26 away from him in the process i have tried to talk he just blows me off or doesnt take it to heart.I can deal with that but i dont want him to become so isolated whenshe dies he crumbles. I will try tokeep everything you all said in mind thanks for all the replys and thank you for giving me a placeto have some people to help me get through.

[blender]

Yes, your fathers "anger" as you put it, is coming from all his emotional pain and fear. He loves your mother, and you very much, he is scared, and I'm sure this has been very difficult for you as well. But they both really need you right now, I know it's not fair, your young, you want to just be 'happy and free" but that is not the cards you are being delt right now.

 

So if you can muster up the courage to be as kind as you can towards your father, and "understanding" that his lashing out at you has nothing to do with whether you are helping out of not helping out.. it's really about the fact that he feels he's "lost control over his life". and so for a minute, just a moment when he lashes out, he might actually find a source of false comfort, feeling like if he tells you what to do, he actually has some control..

 

So please do not take what he says personally, He is in so much emotional pain, and yes I know you are too.. but for now, he's in fear of losing the person who's been in his life long before you were here, your mom is his history, his "indentity". It's in understanding someone else's pain that we learn to be "accepting" of thier bothersome qualities.. and for now, if you can try to be understanding about what HE might be feeling.

 

I'm so sorry you have all of this to deal with, but "kindness and understanding" can go a long way, and the "return" although it may not be immediate.. is the reward in the long run, feeling good about putting your mother and father before yourself in certain moments.. I know it's not "fair" but for right now it the challenge that is in front of you.. you can rise to the occasion, and whether your mother lives for another year, ten years, or two weeks, you will feel best if you are "understanding, attentive, make lists of what she needs done, try to be patient with your dad, and just do the best you can in any given moment". and pray, pray that your father can find his strength..

 

And every once in awhile, say to your father, "I love you Dad, I know this is all so difficult and sad for you, especially you Dad, because I know you love mom so much.. and so do it, and I thank god you and I have each other, to help her and us through all this". This can of generous understanding, maturity and kind words will give him the energy and validity to keep going on... you all deserve a break.. so start by giving it to each other, and it can start with you..

 

My thoughts and prayers are with you, we are all here on enotalone if you need to vent...

 

with respect for your difficult times, Blender

[melrich]

I can understand your Dad's fears and I still think it would be great if you could try and give him a forum to express them as well.

 

As others have said, try not to judge him too harshly. It sounds like your mom and dad have been together for around 30 years. They probably see them selves as one person and your Dad has probably forgotten how to live alone. His fear is understandable. What will help him now is knowing that you understand it.

 

Things like this can rip families apart. If your dad is not totally rational about thjings now then you have to become the rational one. You may need to take the role of the adult or talk to your sister about which of you should shoulder that burden.

[Beec]

I can deal with that but i dont want him to become so isolated whenshe dies he crumbles. I will try tokeep everything you all said in mind thanks for all the replys and thank you for giving me a placeto have some people to help me get through.

 

Well, when he tries to push you away, don't go.

 

When my mother leaned on me, she did because she did not know what she was going to do without Dad. Your father has those worries about your mother.

 

If and when your mother dies, don't let him push you away then either.

[blender]

you are powerless over how your father might react if your mother should pass away, but you do have a choice over how you wish to be there for him when she does... he might need to know that YOU need him too... This is a painful time of "what if's"... and we should all be so fortunate to have an opportunity to be reminded of how precious life is, and how short our time together can be... I don't think until you actually lose a parent, you can realize how "final" it can be, your father is older than you, probably has experience of losing someone in his family already.. and he is just full of fear, and sadness right now, and I'm sure you are too...

 

As far as how he will react to her passing, well that is up to him, and the fact is, until he crosses that painful bridge, you just don't know what he will do, or how he will process the loss.. but for right now, it's about "Understanding, and kindness" as much as you can muster up for your parents...and compassion for yourself as well...