Are you happier single or in a relationship?

[rose2summer]

Looking back on my past relationships, I think I have been happier being single, not having to deal with the drama, just depending on myself.

 

I find it's easier to focus on my career being single, not dealing with frustrations, discussions (aka arguments).

 

I wonder if it's because I haven't met my so-called match, so I wanted to hear what you all think, based on your own personal experiences.

 

What has been the case for you and why?

[jsx730]

Well, I'm fairly positive I've "met my match". It happens to be that my "match" is emotionally high maintenance.

 

Was it easier being single? Yes.

Was I happier while single? Not by a long shot.

 

Basically I think it depends on your priorities and focuses. If you need to focus on your career/school etc, then maybe you would be better drawing your happiness from your personal achievements, and stay single.

[kellbell]

Hey Rose,

 

It depends.

 

I spent 4 years in a bad relationship. I was happy for the first year or so and then slowly got more and more miserable.

 

When I was single for 9 months back in 2001, I was TOTALLY happy. I had many things going on that brought me MUCH joy, especially the arrival of my niece.

 

The relationship I am now, I am very very happy. I treasure my boyfriend very much and we have a wonderful time together. I mean we have our bumps in the road but all in all, we are very happy.

 

I think it depends on the circumstances.

[chai714]

Studies show married people are generally happier.

 

My personal point of view is that everyone wants to love and to be loved. Being single forever obviously isn't the answer if you want to love and be loved. However, I can see advantages to both. At this period in my life, I see being single more beneficial and knowing that I know how to make myself happy, I don't necessarily need a relationship as long as dating keeps being good to me.

[luciand]

It's hard to say which is better in my case. When I was single I'd go out and do crazy/hilarious things whenever I was with my friends or sometimes alone. However, I was also 90% of the time depressed and wasting too much time on video games to ease the pain.

 

Once I met my gf/ex-gf ( its complicated still )I slowly eased up and enjoyed every bit of my life. It seemed that everything we did would compliment each other and that made me feel great. That feeling to have someone whom you have this great bond and understanding with. It made me feel better than I've ever felt before no matter what we were doing.

 

Even if I was finally over all of my depression I think I would rather be in a relationship similar to what I had than be single. But maybe that's just the void currently within me talking.

 

Being single seems kinda boring and lonely a lot of the time.

[rose2summer]

I feel like I am very happy single, but I get even happier in a relationship BUT only at certain times. Then when problems arise, I get very frustrated, so I don't want to undergo that.

 

So I think it's easier for me to be single and keep a constant happiness, then go through fluctuations of extreme excitedness then downward spiraling frustrations when in a relationship.

 

But I am learning a lot from your posts here. Great insight.

[RayKay]

Hmm, well I am "happy" regardless of my relationship status because I am happy with "myself" as a person, and either way I "live" my life.

 

I would say I am happier single than in a negative, draining relationship - of which I have had more than one

 

I would say that I being in a wonderfully, fulfilling healthy relationship with a true partner is better than being very happy single though.

 

I am very much attached, but I certainly don't feel held back, quite the contrary in fact. I feel very supported in my career and education choices - it was my partner whom ultimately showed his support for me returning to school for example despire the impact it would have on our own finances and "couple time" and plans for certain things (like starting our family, etc). I also am very supportive of his career choices and changes, as I also trust his judgement in that respect and also never feel like I am a low priority in the least.

 

There is not "drama" in my relationship, but then again I have always recognized drama as something that is ineherently not healthy and do not want to be in a relationship that BRINGS drama! Life brings enough bumps and bruises and "drama" that your relationship really should be a safe, comfortable place - not a dramatic one. My partner is a wonderful support through the tough times, as I am for him (I hope!) and arguments are approached even on a "teamwork" basis as we are approaching an issue TOGETHER, not on opposing sides. It is about figuring things out so we can move forward, not about whom wins over the other. I thereforeeee see and feel stability even when there is a disagreement about something.

 

I really do believe that you must be happy within yourself BEFORE a healthy relationship can occur; because being happy with yourself not only enables you to make better choices in partners, it also puts you on an equal ground to have true partnership. And when you ARE truly happy within yourself, then a relationship chosen from that point will ENHANCE your life, not detract from it.

 

Honestly, to me my relationship feels like a "home" - hard to explain, but it just is a comfortable, nurturing place to be, where I feel free to be me both good and bad, and I truly feel like we are teammates in life.

[Day_Walker]

In my personal experience I am going to say that I am happier when I am single. It seems to go along well since I am highly independent. Even when I look back at my best relationship I realize that I was happier when I was single, I dont think this has anything to do with the other person. I think it has everything to do with me. I have a tendency to get bored in relationships and then that girl doesnt seem to be all she was cracked up to be and the break up is inevitable. I like the freedom and I like dating, it seems to be more beneficial than being in a relationship.

[hosswhispra]

I feel like I am very happy single, but I get even happier in a relationship BUT only at certain times. Then when problems arise, I get very frustrated, so I don't want to undergo that.

 

So I think it's easier for me to be single and keep a constant happiness, then go through fluctuations of extreme excitedness then downward spiraling frustrations when in a relationship.

 

But I am learning a lot from your posts here. Great insight.

 

Hey Rose,

 

I share similar feelings about this as you do. I am quite content being single. I have family and friends whom I deeply love. Maybe I feel this way because I am used to it. That could be it. My curious nature makes me wonder sometimes if I am missing out on anything. But then I realize that ironically, (as long as I have my family and friends) that when I allowed 'extra' people into my life, it just got more complex and I started to feel extremely frustrated.

 

I recently took a trip out west by myself. I did my own thing for 5 days. It was fantastic. On the 6th day, one of my sisters flew in. So I had that to look forward to. I like doing my 'own' thing and being in my state of a 'constant happiness'. So I guess that's just how I feel for now. That may or may not change.

 

hosswhispra

[rose2summer]

Well, I think what hurts my relationships is what I call my "fairness" card.

 

I get frustrated if I am having to do more, like in my last relationship alone, I put 20,000miles on my car for driving alone to see my ex, so calculate how much gas that was, and he drove much less.

 

I know I shouldn't care, but it's like, uh, that just drains me of energy, being on the road, money, and then dealing with his constant, oh this woman likes me, oh that one, I just get so turned off.

 

I think it may have some to do with me, because I was raised in a very traditional family, so all I hear is about why do I pay for so much and travel to him, when he should travel to me bits from my family.

 

In all honesty, until I am ready to give 100% even if that means giving 3x more than my partner, will I be ready for a relationship. Being frustrated just wreaks havok on me.

 

Then in the relationship before that, I financially supported my partner, he lived rent and expense free with me, and I got really frustrated when he wouldn't help pay the rent, so I see my patterns here.

[Meow18]

Rose2summer, of course you weren't completely happy in those relationships. You were doing ALL the work and putting in ALL the effort.

 

When in a good healthy relationship, it doesn't feel that way. You don't feel like the one always calling. You don't feel like the one always trying to make plans to see each other. You don't feel like the only one willing to drive to see the other.

 

I know how you feel, cause I've felt that way before too. And it really is stressful. And in those cases, I was happier on my own.. of course I didn't realize it until I was on my own.

[dawn515]

Rose,

 

I have to agree with the above -- sounds like you were putting in ALL the effort in the relationship, and naturally that will lead to unhappiness.

 

I still find your original question intriguing. I think there are certain perks to the single life, and then other perks for the relationship life. When I was single, I was happy -- good friends, volunteer work, lots of activities -- so I shouldn't have felt deprived. But, every now and again, I would get that sense of loneliness, no one to share my life with.

 

Now that I'm in a relationship, I have new worries... I know some of it stems from my own insecurities, and I often wonder, "Why do I put myself through this??" But I try to also maintain the life and attitude so that if my relationship ended tomorrow, yeah, sure, I'd be devastated, but only for a while. And then I'd go back to appreciating what I have. I never want to be put into the position of being dependent on someone else for my happiness.

 

It's a balance, I suppose...

[rocio]

Single wins by a landslide for me, regardless of how good the relationship is.

[ImThatGirl]

Rose, from what you are explaining, it doesn't seem you have experienced a relationship that is 50/50. You have however experienced getting the short end of the stick. I can definitely agree, being single is better than Always getting the short end of the stick.

 

I am happier being single. I think. I have to know what to expect at all times. (I do bend a little.) I am a happy person but I have this distorted view about myself in relationships. A fear of expecting too much kind of. A fear of getting used to things and it all falling apart maybe. The fact that nothing is guaranteed really bothers me and almost to the point that I'd rather be single.

 

Now that was a ramble.

[flower99]

Single wins by a landslide for me, regardless of how good the relationship is.

 

I'd have to agree!!!!

[laboheme]

I was definitely happier being in a relationship than I was/am being single. My ex never held me back from doing the things that I wanted to do and was always very supportive of my ambitions with school and work...What made me really happy being in a relationship is the fact that I, well, made him happy. Sure, I have a good time with friends and such, but with them I don't get the feeling that I'm the only one who can make them smile like that (well, that's because I'm not the only one, we're all equally "special"). But knowing that seeing my face can light up someone's day...that feeling was priceless and made me the happiest that I've ever been.

[RayKay]

Rose,

 

It sounds like from your last post your relationships were very imbalanced, and of course when you they are draining on you financially, emotionally in comparison the single life seems much less complicated and free! As I said in my first response, after those relationships I definitely thought of single as much better than being with someone!

 

I really think it does come down to the person, but also to the right relationship. I hate sounding so sanctomonious, because really my relationship is NOT perfect 100% of the time but there is a great respect and love for one another, and the last thing that I think of my relationship being is "draining" or "limiting". I have known many people whom were HUGE believers that being in a relationship was a huge drain, and that being single was better, and really changed their tune with the right person, and timing.

[Rocktashot]

since i broke up with my ex it sucks to be single

[finewhine]

I prefer being single. Not by wide margin, but I definitely prefer it.

 

Being in a relationship means making concessions to another person. For me, being in a relationship has largely meant settling. I think this has more to do with the relationships I've been in, or my mental state at the time of the relationships, or something like that, so I feel unprepared to make some grandiose statement that I'll ALWAYS be happier single.

 

That said, at this point in my life, I'm so much better off alone. For the first time since I was seventeen, I'm single by choice. I am learning what it is to be wholly independent emotionally. Not to say I don't have wonderful people around me, but it's beyond great to learn what it means to have to validate myself.

 

Even as a card-carrying feminist, I've found that I seek validation from the men I'm with, and that stinks. It shames me. Being single will allow me to free myself from that, for once and forever. I'm relearning now what it means to rely on myself for all the things for which I used to rely on men when I was in a string of relationships: feeling attractive, feeling not alone, etc.

 

And then, the next guy I'm with, I won't settle. I won't need anything less than a great relationship. Life's too short.

 

So, Rose, that was my circuitous way of telling you I relate to you completely. And RayKay, too. You have to be happy with yourself and comfortable with being alone before you get into another relationship.

[silentalways]

once again RK posts another amazing positive vibe story and lends great advice. RK's example is how ALL relationships should be - high 5s RK, u lucky ducky.

[doyathink]

I love to be in love so I guess I would have to say I would rather be in a relationship...a good one.

 

I like to have someone to focus on and to give my attention to.

[Dako]

I'm happier in a good relationship.

[freedom]

is dating casually considered to be single or a relationship?

is single really being single or does it mean that you have casual relationships on the side thus not being single.

 

Sometimes i wonder when people say that "i prefer to be single" when what they are really saying is i am selfish and the casual relationships that comes my way are nothing at all (i am using them) thus it isnt a relationship because i am not putting any effort into it. (don't care about what the other half feels)

OR

does it really mean that you are totally not interested in any relationship casual or long term. That you are a 'good' person and do not use people at all (not even for sex).

 

 

I dont know, does the term 'being single' now adays really mean what it is cut out to be, or are we choosen single people just users??

 

Ponder that.....

[rocio]

is dating casually considered to be single or a relationship?

is single really being single or does it mean that you have casual relationships on the side thus not being single.

 

 

When I say single, that does usually involve one or more casual relationships. It would be very rare for me to not have anyone in my life whatsoever. Single, to me, means that I'm not in a committed relationship.

 

Sometimes i wonder when people say that "i prefer to be single" when what they are really saying is i am selfish and the casual relationships that comes my way are nothing at all (i am using them) thus it isnt a relationship because i am not putting any effort into it. (don't care about what the other half feels)

 

I don't think that casual relationships should take alot of effort. That's the point of them being casual. It's a time to get to know someone, while simply being yourself. If it takes effort in the beginning then it's not meant to happen.

 

I don't think that means you're using someone. I'm usually pretty straightforward about where I stand.

 

 

does it really mean that you are totally not interested in any relationship casual or long term. That you are a 'good' person and do not use people at all (not even for sex).

 

I don't usually sleep with someone if i'm just in a casual relationship with them. If I'm only interested in sex, I make that clear. If they agree, then I don't think I'm "using" them.

 

 

 

.... Being happier single doesn't mean that you're not interested in any relationship. As much as we are happy being single, we always seek out the next relationship.. Maybe masochistic, I don't know.

 

For me, it just means I genuinely feel happier when I'm single, end of story.