Actions on Others Flirting with your BF/GF

[arrrrffff]

What to do when your in a relationship and it is known that someone is flirting with your loved one? Let's say this flirter KNOWS your in a long term relationship, but he/ she still persues your sweetheart.

 

Scenario: I'm in a long-term relationship. I know that there is a guy (who is apparently in an 8 year relationship) flirting with my gf. He's been taking her out to lunch a few times. He's physically flirted with her (he's smacked her behind a few times in class). He's even said to her: "let's make out."

 

I've seen them together at lunch when I made a surprise visit to see her after school. The rest I know for a fact from good friends.

 

Possible Solutions:

1. Beat the **** out of this guy.
2. Go discuss this with the guy.
3. Discuss with girlfriend
4. Ask the classmate friends to watch him for me.
5. ...

So general question: What does one do when someone hits on your sweetie?

 

I mean don't people know flirting with someone who is already in a relationship OFF-LIMITS?

[kalshane]

Hey man, I saw your question, and thought I'd take a stab at trying to help ya with it...

 

Basically, what I would do is talk to her about it and tell her how it makes you feel. Tell her that you know (as a male) that what he's doing is flirting with her and that her inaction surrounding what he's doing is basically encouraging it. Check this out, though: you won't be able to stop him or anyone from flirting with your girl (especially if she's good looking), but you can at least let her know what your boundaries are. Smacking on the butt is not cool. Asking her to make out is not cool. What she can do for the integrity of your relationship together is not entertain him for lunch if he has these poor boundaries. Let her know that what he's doing is disrepectful to both of you and what you have together and that isn't something you do to people who are in relationships. After having a talk like this with her, and depending on how she responds, you'll see where she stands on this whole matter. It is important not to come of angry or insecure during this discussion, because it will make you look like you're trying to cage her.

 

Hope this helps

[arwen]

I think it is up to your gf to tell the other guy to back off already. Smacking on the butt-- I think people have different ideas on that. I had a co-worker in my last job that did this often, but we were both single at that time. But I definitely took it as flirting and I am sure he would not have done so if either or both of us were involved with someone else.

 

I think you should talk to your gf and asks what she thinks of the situation and if she is bothered by him. It could be the case that she is a bit flattered by his actions-- nonetheless I feel she should not accept his behaviour (because you are bothered by it, but I feel that she SHOULD be bothered as well-- I know I would). Be careful with this. Kalshane is right, you don't want to cage her.

 

Ilse

[Batya33]

Talk to your girlfriend and ask her if she has tried to get him to stop and why she continues to accept his lunch invitaitons. If you trust your girlfriend, this should be no more than a minor annoyance. If you do not trust your girlfriend and/or she reacts or responds to or encourages the flirting even though you told her it bothers you, then the problem is within your relationship, not with this guy. it is easier to blame the guy than your girlfriend but your girlfriend is not a passive or fragile person - she is someone making certain choices, including going to lunch with him.

[RayKay]

I think this is in your girlfriends hands.

 

If she knows it bothers you, she should have put an end to this excessive flirting by now, or set the boundaries very clearly (i.e slapping on the butt is not acceptable). If you have NOT told her how you feel about it, it is time to do so, and then hopefully she will do something about it.

 

I guarantee she knows his intentions are more than friendship, and she needs to put an end to it. She chooses to go for lunch with him and to allow him to touch her, or she would have ended it by now.

 

And she is not just a passive receiver in this. She has a choice. I have ended "friendships" with men whom disrespected my relationship when they did not respect the boundaries.

[arrrrffff]

Thank-you for all your advice. It really is up to us, the couple to settle these things, not the other guy.

 

However, I feel so bad for the 3rd parties girlfriend. How can he be so mean and do this behind her back? They've been going out for 8 years. I just feel like he needs a smack on the head to get his morals straight (I'm calm, btw...

and not a violent person, lol). Though I've never met her, I feel obliged that she know.

[Rabican]

You talk to your girl about how you feel. A little flirting (like a guy saying, wow you look good today) is acceptable.

 

When it gets to the point that hes taking her out, smacking her butt, and propositioning her to cheat on you.... then its crossed the line.

 

So at this point, I would tell her she has two choices. End the friendship, or tell him that if they are to remain friends then he has to keep the friendship PLUTONIC and respect the boundaries of your relationship.

 

There, its handled.

 

Now, if it happens again... I approach said guy and tell him 'Im only telling you this once, but your friendship with my girl is over. If I have to have this conversation with you again, you will be suffering from sudden loose teeth syndrome.'

Tell your girl that you got involved because either a, she didnt handle it right. Or b, the guy is stubborn and needed more convincing.

 

Happens again.... Back up your words.

 

Or if at some point you realize your girl wants the attention... dump her.

 

*edited* Id just like to add theres nothing wrong with your girl having guy friends AS LONG AS its kept respectful, and mindful of you, and your relationship.

[bitbit]

ok well i'm not really sure why your girlfriend is going out to lunch with a guy. i would never do that, not even if it was one of my boyfriend's friends. i can't think of an appropriate scenario to do that in unless they're related. and in my opinion, this is in your girlfriend's hands. if a guy smacked my butt or said "let's make out", he would definitely get an earful.

[veneratio]

Why is your girlfriend still having lunch with him if he's done/said all that he has?

[NoComply]

sounds like shes cheating

[JimmerJammer]

Well a couple people have put in some good advice and opinions and I would like to put in mine. It sounds to me by what you have posted that this girl of yours is apparently comfortable with this guy showing these signs of behaviour. Depending on the type of girl your gf is its hard to tell right off the bat if she is naive and tells herself that this guy is in a relationship and so its harmless even though deep down I bet warning bells are going off and she's telling herself that he would never act on it and if he did that she'd get rid of him.

 

Now where my opinion comes into play is that I feel that this guy may be joking around and thinks it is funny, but the butt slapping thing is obviously not cool with you and to YOU it shows a sign of disrespect. He's not respecting you because he's not respecting the fact that she is with you and is making inappropriate gestures at and to her. You already are aware of this and I am only guessing that the part of you that doesn't want to get your girlfriend upset is the part that doesn't want to appear insecure or jealous. Brushing it off as, well she knows what she is doing and I know she'll say something before he'd ever do anything to her. Ya sure its always good to clean up a spill after it takes place, yet its better to do your best from allowing the spill to happen in the first place.

 

In other words man I know now I'm being more assertive with myself towards others, especially guys who think they can walk in and do obscene things with my gf. Its JUST NOT acceptable at all and if she gets upset, LET her as she's entitled to it. Its doing nothing that makes you a pushover in their mind and sticking up for them that shows you care. They're perfectly capable of making decisions and having feelings and emotions and when they might think that your reaction might be too much or unnecessary, sometimes they want to make sure its because you care and not because you can't control yourself. See the difference?

[Goblin]

This perverted-nothing-better-to-do guy smacked your gf's butt many times, go out lunch with her and even say "Lets make out". And your gf is OKAY having lunch w him?!

 

Bro, if I were you, Id confront the guy! But thats not a cool thing to do. Most of you who comment here are giving the right reactions and suggestions. *thumbsup*

 

But you have got to save ur girl to save ur relationship. Seriously I feel a sincere girl and ones that not naive would try her best to avoid such perverted guy. If hes still doing it, and your gf is still near him that means whatever hes doing or whatever he is attracts ur gf somehow.

 

1) Tell ur gf nicely about how you feel about this.

2) Tell your girl what this guy intentions through his actions are because you know better than her even though ure not there. Thus, she should set some boundaries..

3) Go to this guy and tell him nicely like a gentleman "Hey this isnt right."

 

See how ur gf reacts first then take actions from there.

 

Seriously....butt smacking..? haha what a perv. I hardly know guys who would do that.

[Batya33]

I think it would be a big mistake to confront the guy - she's not a child - she is perfectly capable of telling him to stop - if she really wants him to.

[Goblin]

I agree with Batya. Im sure it makes sense to all of us that we distance ourselves from the ppl we dont like and we spend more time or be w the people we want to be with.

 

Your gf knows what to do. Either shes very naive or shes enjoying it.

[Northalius]

I'd be ticked off at the guy purposely disrespecting me, but way more so mad at my girlfriend for willingly going back for more after the first time he flirted with her... and smacked her on the rear... more than once? Sorry, that's just not acceptable.

 

I'd seriously think about just dropping the relationship, since if she took you serious, she'd have smacked the guy when he layed a hand on her, and never went back to talk with him.

 

It's the old "Actions speak louder than words" thing. Not seeing each other? I smell a bull going #2 on that statement. Sorry.

[Stari]

I mean don't people know flirting with someone who is already in a relationship OFF-LIMITS?

Relationships break up all the time.

 

Since your gf is actively choosing to allow the behaviour to continue (by not distancing herself from him) he might think that your relationship is on the rocks.

 

Other guys that will show interest in your gf is only a threat to your relationship if your gf is unhappy in the relationship to begin with.

 

This is not about other guys showing interest in your gf: It's about how devoted your gf is to you.

If you fulfill her needs then you have done all you can do.

[Devchonka]

This actually happened to me...

 

What my boyfriend did is talk to me about it. Let me know how angry he gets when he knows the suggestions that the guy makes to me, even if joking, and how I talk about him a little to much, and how we act with each other is too friendly (though he was my very good friend). I weighed my guy friend over my love and I pulled back from the guy friend a little, just enough. I also told the guy that he should quit provoking Habib by playing around like that because if he has done this in his presense it would lead to soething very bad...he appologized, said he's just kidding and he respects Habib, as I already knew.

 

Really I think it's her responsibility to stop this, if she's leading him on or letting him do this then of course he will...if she tells him: hey i'm in a relationship and you need to quit doing things like this, then he will. This is why I kept it up until he said something: I liked making him a little jelous. After the talk I realized it's not a game.

 

Let's just say if the guy ever slapped my behind (first of all I would make him pay for it, that's extremely inappropriate) and my boyfriend found out...the guy would be in an emergency room...an Army boyfriend that's a kickboxer, yeah to emergency room he goes .

[EvaGina]

Either you trust her or you dont.

Dont tell her who she can or cant be friends with, and dont insult her by insinuating that she cant take care of herself or that she is going to cheat.

 

So they sit together at lunch... who cares? its not like they are out on a date, there are heaps of other people around.

yes, it would be different if the two of them were going out places alone together, but if she is a flirty kind of person who doesnt mind dirty joking... thats the person you entered a relationship with.

 

Sure, she should tell him to back off... IF she thinks he is being serious. Male mates and I ALWAYS joke about doing the deed... but I know that we are both joking.

 

You might just not be compatible.