I'll get by with a little help from my errrrr friend?

[SolitarySoul]

Hi there,

 

Before I even begin I know this post is going to go on forever but I truly do hope someone out there will take the time to read and try to understand me.

 

I believe that whatever happens in life 'happens for a reason' or at least i used to. I'm at a point where i really don't know what to do anymore and would really appreciate some good advice.

 

THANK YOU (in advance)...........if you ever get to the end that is

 

 

Just over a year ago i started a new job which was the best thing that ever happened to me. I knew from day one that i was going to enjoy working there and needless to say i loved it. Before starting this job i'd been working from home for quite some time and when i got this evertyhing seemed to change for the better. Although i had a few friends i didn't go out or see them that often. Mainly because everyone i knew enjoyed different things to me and rather than spend nights out in clubs I'd prefer to stay at home.

hat probably sounds sad

The new job I found seemed to bring everything i'd been looking for. Not only did i enjoy the job itself the people i worked with all seemed great. Everyone was female and there was only about half a dozen of us so we got to know eachother pretty well.

As well as working together we'd all have girls nights out.

 

When I first started my job there was someone who instantly caught my eye. In fact this was the day of my interview. I don't know why but all i kept on thinking was it seems as though she was staring at me. She seemed kind of strange but in a nice mysterious way. Although there were three people in on the interview (including me) it was as though her eyes never left me. She didn't speak much in the interview and when i left i just got a strange feeling. Briefly it did cross my mind that she may have been gay/bisexual.

 

So on my first day at work I learned I would be working for this person and she would be my manager. Although I was pleased, it wasn't because I thought she might be gay/bisexual she just looked like an interesting person to get to know.

In the first couple of weeks I started to realise that I was attracted to her. At this point I wasn't fully sure myself but inside I was just really happy with everything in my life. New job, new people/friends and someone who made me feel good.

 

All I knew was this person was divorced and single. Even though I knew I was attracted to her the only thing I wanted to do was get to know her as a person/friend. I didn't even ask myself 'could she be attracted to me'

 

In the first month I had to go away for a few days to head office for training. A new lady had also sarted at the same time as me so we went away together. I only worked part time as i also worked from home too but this woman was full time. This was the first time in years i'd been away & i was geting paid for it too.

 

On the journey down there she 'let slip' that our manager (who i will call N) was having an affair with the owner of the company. If i'm honest i was pretty gutted......I couldn't help but think i really thought she was gay/bi.

I know i didn't have much to go on but i remember they way she looked in my interview & i know this sounds mad but her appearance also made me think she was. By now i'd also had the chance to get to know her a little and i really liked what i knew of her so far.

 

Although i was gutted at least now i knew i was way of track and it had just been my own wishful thinking.

Inside i was a little sad, but I was so pleased that i got the job and had far more than i'd ever had.

 

I didn't let on to her that i was gutted i just acted shocked as she thought i already knew about the affair.

 

On the same night whilst we were eating this person said 'I think there's something strange about N' As soon as she said this i just knew what she was about to say and when she did i again just acted surprised.

 

She told me that she thought N might be gay/bi. She said whenever she was around N she made her feel awkward. She even went on to say that her husband (who had only met N once) had told her to be careful around her. According to this woman apparently N had a thing about Audrey Heburn, and to be honest they both had that look about them. When she told me to watch mysef 'inside I was over the moon' it wasn't just me who thought this and was I right in thinking all that i did. Obviously I didn't tell her all this as i didn't want people knowing i was attracted to my boss.

 

Anyway, although i was 'over the moon' to hear this I know this didn't give me the right to presume N would be attracted to me even if she was bisexual.

 

Not long after we got back this new woman left the job, but it didn't have anything to do with the above.

 

So far this was only about a month into the job, & I was just finding my feet and getting to know everybody including N.

 

I'd say it all really started when one night N mentioned she'd had a bisexual experience in the past. My reaction was one of interest whilst laughing but when I asked her to tell me more she would just laugh and shake her head. In a good way though.

 

Again this was a good thing as i now knew she was 'open minded' but i couldn't presume she was attracted to me too.

 

Other little things would happen that would confirm the above and i would question whether she was doing it for my benefit. She would talk of which female celebs she would love to spend a night with.

 

 

Although I tried to keep my feet on the ground as time passed by I started to question whether N was interested in me. Lots of things would happen and she would say certain things that made me question everything.

 

 

Whenever the subject of two women together came up i would always see her looking at me out the corner of my eye. I'm sure she could see i was hiding something. Although I never mentioned my sexuality to anyone, I'm 110% sure she knew i was attracted to her.

 

N and I had to go away for work. I remember one night her saying to me that she was worried people back home might think she's gay because she's never seen with a man. I said who cares what people think. Although she said she was worried, she didn't sy it in a worried way if that makes sense. Later that evening she asked if I had my eye on anyone. I was TOTALLY unprepared for that quetion and just answered 'no nobody' whilst quickly looking out of the window.

 

At that point i think i may have given myself away a little...........

 

Another night when we had finished eating she looked at me and said 'shall we go to bed now' she paused and carried on whilst laughing with 'i mean to the hotel' 'to sleep' .....'i mean to the hotel, to sleep in separate beds, not together' We both just sat laughing.

 

I really enjoyed working with N. Not only did we have many things in common she wasn't one for big nights out and seemed to enjoy similar things in life to me. The more I got to know her the more we seemed to click. Sometimes it was as though i knew exactly what she was thinking and vice versa.

 

She would often talk about the guy she was having the affair with. She would tell me how the sex was rubbish and she didn't know what she saw in him. One minute she would love him the next she would be hating him and she hadn't even seen the bloke in months. He lived in another part of the country and would only see him a few times a year if that. I would always tell her she deserves so much better.

 

If there was a statue of a naked man or something similar resembling a mans body part she would tell me how it made her feel sick.

There were so many other things that happened or were said that gave me the impression she was trying to let me know something.

Whenever we were together there would be certain looks, touches etc etc She would also mirror me and say the words i'd only just spoken.

 

As i lived in a different town i would have to drive into work. On nights out we would have she would say that i could stay at her place. I always refused (which i'll try to explain later) but she would also say she didn't want her friend staying at hers who she had known far longer than me. She'd say she can stay in the holiday cottage i don't want her sleeping on my couch, yet they got on really well together.

 

After one night out she told me how she used to go naked jogging with her husband & i couldn't believe it. I said what happened to you N you seem to have changed a lot. She told me that nigh she would try anything once. I said good and i'm sure we both knew what we were meaning.

 

As you can imagine by the length of this already i'd be hear all night if tried to list everything she said and did that gave me the impression she was attracted to me too. There is far more, but i'm sure you guys can get the picture.

 

From what i gathered from N, I think she had & did suffer from depression for a number of years. I think she had been bad with her nerves at one point and was even hospitalised. Sometimes I did get the feeling that N made things up or made things out to be more than what they were. This affair had supposed to have been going on for a number of years. When I talked with another collegeue they told me that they wouldn't be surprised if it had only happened once and she makes it out to be far more. When I heard that N probably goes home at night and cries herself to sleep, it broke my heart. I asked this person to always stick by N & be there for her.

She had known N for a few years & they seemed pretty close. The thing is though when N wasn't around stuff would be said and i didn't like it. It would also be said about others too...I guess it was just women being a bit * * * * *y but everyone i worked with knew I didn't get involved whoever it was about.

 

I did have very strong feelings for N, but most of all i just wanted her to know that there would always be someone there for her.........just as a friend.

 

I could never say this whilst I worked there..........especially working for her. There were many times I think she wanted someone to go shopping with or go to the theatre or something. I wanted to go with her or suggest something so much but I was scared that i'd end up saying something to her.

 

Whilst it felt as though N was doing most if not all of the flirting I knew she would never come right out and say something. In my mind it was as though she was sending the signals so i would make some kind of move or say something if that mankes any sense.

 

On a number of occasions i really did think something was going to happen between us.

 

Because it got to the point where i was certain 'something was going to happen' that's when i got scared.

I couldn't have wished for anything more but because we worked together I didn''t wantanyone feeling awkward.

 

I even told myself that IF i had got it all wrong, things would be okay as I knew she wouldn't be offended from all what she'd said to me before. And if I had got it wrong maybe it would be best for me not to be working around someone who i had strong feelings for and who didn't feel the same.

 

Iit felt as though i was living some kind of lie & most of all I just wanted to be truthful. I kept telling myself how could i be a friend to N when I'm hiding something like this from her.

 

Not long before i handed my notice in, a guy from this training company came to visit our store. It was a two day course and he was a practitioner in NLP. I'd always been interested in NLP, body language, paraphrasing, mirroring and human behaviour. This night i got talking to him and he said he thought there was something troubling me. He kept going on, and i did tell him there was but i didn't really want to talk about it (in a friendly/jokey way though) (At this point everyone knew i was thinking of leaving my job) He kept asking why i was leaving and that everyone was going to miss me.

 

I told him that enjoyed learning about NLP and whilst i don't talk as much as some people i'm more of an observer. (i bet your thinking if your writings anything like your talking that's a load of bull ****

Anyway he said i know you are & i can tell you read people very well. He also said that if i wasn't open with my feelings no one would ever get to know the real me...................whilst i didn't want to tell him what was on my mind inside i already knew what i was preparing to do. Sorry i just thought i'd mention this as it's a bit ironic to my story.

 

So after 14 months and so much thinking i decided it was time to leave my job. When I told N I was leaving she didn't want me to go and refused to accept my resignation. I think she knew I was serious though. It was one of the haredest decisions i've ever had to make but i though i was doing the right thing.

I thought that if i'd said something to her whilst still working there and i had got it wrong she may feel bad working around me especially when there was only ever four of us at any one time. And if i had got it right it would also be awkward working together too so the best decision i came up with was to leave.

 

Even though i was leaving we all still planned to meet up for the nights out we used to have. N said that if i ever wanted to go back there would always be a job there for me. Although i was really sad to be leaving it felt as though a weight was going to be lifted. Deep down i guess i didn't want to leave, but i told myself it didn't matter where i'd end up working next as i'd made some good friendships here and one day i might even be able to come back...............

 

I am so sorry this is long, but thank you for getting this far............

 

In the back of my mind i told myself i would tell N on my last night that we all had planned. That night came and went so fast and although i had the chance to talk with her i bottled out for a couple of reasons. On the way back i had to get a taxi home so N said I could wait for it at her place. On other nights out I always got the feeling that she wanted me to say something but tonight seemed different. Not only did i get the feeling that she didn't want me to say anything i thought that maybe it wasn't a good time especially when i'd just left work.

 

I got home that night and felt really sad. I'd given up a job i loved so much so i could be truthful with someone yet I was still living a lie. Over the next few days it was constantly on my mind 'what had i done'

 

I was back working from home and had nothing to look forward to anymore. I'd spent months thinking of what am i supposed to do & when I finally come to a decision i didn't even follow it through.

 

I knew I would see N and the others again but i didn't know when. Part of me felt as though i'd not only let myself down but i might have let N down too.

 

One night i decided to send N a message. In the message I told her my feelings for her & why i had left my job. I went on to say that i thought she might have felt the same but to forgive me if i got things wrong. I went on to say that i hoped she would still see me as the person i always was......a friend. I also apologsed for letting her know in this way but i just needed to tell her.

 

I waited all that night but i got no reply.

 

Another day passed by and still nothing. By now i knew there was something wrong, really wrong. I don't know how but a few more days passed without anything so i tried to call her.............

 

when i tried to call her it came up with 'call not allowed'

 

Three words i don't think i'll ever forget.

 

I couldn't believe this was happening.

 

I was really worried, scared & hurt. The only thing i could do to contact her was go and see her. I drove for 30 minutes to her house. When i got there i rang her door. When she answered she seemed okay but when she heard my voice she went really quiet. Her voice sounded a little shakey and she said she didn't know wher i got the idea from. I said i was really sorry and asked if she would just talk to me and let me explain but she wouldn't let me in. I didn't see her face to face we only spoke through an intercom.

She said one of the girls from work was going around and asked for me to leave. I asked if they knew at work but she said they didn't. I said i would leave but i asked if she would please just contact me and she said she would.

 

The next day i received a text from her saying 'i don't have any feelings for you, please don't contact me again'

 

I couldn't believe this was the same person. The same person who certainly came accross as 'open minded' and had spent months giving me the impression she was attracted to me. It was hard for me to understand why she wouldn't even want to talk to me. I could handle her saying she didn't have feelings for me but to just want nothing more to do with me was soul shattering.

Why would a person who clearly said they had had a bisexual experience, often talked about the subject, and gave me certain signals do this?

 

Even if i take all that away, at the very least i thought she was my friend...........someone who i thought would have at least listened to me. A person who would have made a joke out of it and got us both laughing if i had got it wrong.

 

My mind was a complete mess. I contacted a mutual friend/ex work colleague i had to let someone know what was going on. When i contacted her she already knew but at first acted as though she didn't have a clue. I also learned that the very next day after i'd sent my messages to N everyone i used to work with knew about what i'd said to her.

 

Someone who had brought so much light into my life, let me down so badly. Why wouldn't she even want to speak with me.

 

I had so much i needed say but wasn't even given the chance to. I could accept being rejected in that way but to be rejected as a person/friend truly stings.

 

I asked the friend if she would pass a letter on to N for me which she did.

I basically apologised again but said that i couldn't apologise fully unless she ever looked me in the eyes and answered my questions. I said that i was sad i was loosing her friendship and if i'd of thought for a second i was offending her i'd have never said anything. I said that if i ever did see her again i hope she wouldn't ignore me and i would always smile or say hi. I also promised not to contact her again.

 

She never did contact me. I stayed in contact with the mutual friend though.

 

That was eight months ago now and i feel as though i'll never be the same again.

 

Not long after all this happened i got a job close to where i used to work. I was there for a couple of weeks and they said they'd contact me when they needed me to work again. When no one called me i telephoned them and left a message to see when i would be needed next.

A couple of days later i received a message saying they were okay for the foreseeable future.

I put this down to last in first out, & I thought well if they not going to even bother to call me wouldn't really like to work for a person like that.

 

In the meantime i'm back working from home trying to put myself back together. I back feeling sad as i have no real friends, social life or job to get me out and about. Although i'd like to work away from home everything about me has been knocked. I feel i have nothing to give anyone. When i do go out i don't have anything to talk about and i feel so disconnected from the world.

 

For three months on the exact same date of each month i receive strange messages on my phone. One is a message of three words. It sounds like N and they mention the same name N was having the affair with. Then just hang up on answerphone after three words. The next month I receive a blank text/sms message from the same number, the month after i get another blank message. All these messages come through on the 18th of each month. The 18th was the only date in the entire calendar month that connects me to N. This was the date i started my job.

I don't understand why a complete stranger would keep my number for three months only to send me 3 word messages and blank texts on the same date. I hope and pray it may be N trying to make some odd kind of contact. Four months of hoping only to find out it was a complete stranger in another part of the country.

 

God only knows why did they have to pick my number out of them all.

 

A coulpe of months back i did see her one night and she smiled and said hi. She was with a few of my other ex work colleagues and although everyone said hi not one of them even bothered to come and talk to me. Don't get me wrong i didn't expect N to, but these were people i worked with for over a year, go out with, give lifts home and after six months of not seeing them all i got was a hi.

 

I know now i am having a whinge and just feeling sad for myself, but all i did was have feelings for someone and be truthful yet i've never felt so alone in all my life. It feels as though i lost everything just as quick as i found it.....my job, social life, friends & someone i thought the world of.

 

I know people who have been in relationships for years who divorce or go there own separate ways and i know i was never with this woman but it feels as though i lost more than one person. Losing friendships feels so much harder to move on from.

 

Up until recently i was in contact with tis mutual friend. We would only meet up once a month or so, but everytime we do/did it makes me so sad and all i can do is hide it. At the very beginning this friend knew i was really hurt by it all but i think she now thinks i'm over it. But the truth is i don't think i will be for a long time. I don't really want her to know this though as the last thing i want is N thinking she got to me that much where i am depressed about it all. I also really don't want anyone feeling sorry for me which i know this person is likely to do.

 

When i do meet up with her she tells me what they are all up to at work and it hurts me so so much. I guess it would be okay if i had something to talk about too but the truth is i don't.

 

That job was the best thing that happened to me and also the worst.

 

 

Last month I decided to go and see N as i'd heard that something might have been said to the employer who never got back in touch with me. Although there's not much i can do about people gossiping/ * * * * *ing if it concerns a prospective employer and it's not true I wasn't standing for that.

 

When i got there she seemed surprised to see me but kind of looked pleased too. It was just before they were closing so she invited me upstairs. I explained about what i'd heard and she promised me she hadn't said anything bad about me. I said it wasn't right what someone else had said about me and i thought she may have said it too. She assured me she didn't though. It wasn't before long until the conversation turned to 8 months ago. I told her i wished i could believe that she didn't know i was attracted to her. She looked me in the eye and said she didn't. I went on to say to her 'so the thought of me and you never once crossed your mind?' again she looked at me and said no. Throughought the conversation i could see she was looking me up and down. I'm sorry if i sound crazy but that just isn't normal behaviour from someone who reacted the way they did. Although i accept what she said to me i just can't believe it. Not because i don't want to as i really wish i could, but her actions now and 8 months ago speak louder than words. Maybe it's wrong of me but i know she was/is lying. In the conversation she also said i hope we can still be friends.

We parted on good terms and i thanked her for speaking with me.

 

I did say that i would contact the mutual friend to let her know how things went............but i haven't spoken with her in over a month. She has tried to contact me, but i'm so tired of everything. I know this is going to sound selfish but with Chrstmas coming along I pretty sure that will be the topic of conversation. She will no doubt be telling me about the Christmas party for work and what everyone will be up to. Please don't get me wrong, i hope she is happy and is having a good time but i know if i talk to her or go for a night out with her i will only feel worse than i already do (if possible).

 

Because i'm not up to much myself my mind wanders back to what i was doing last year and i was having such a great time. I know they will all be getting ready to go away for their christmas bash, is it wrong that i just really don't want to know about it because i wish i was there too. How sad is it that even after all what happened i miss everything so much it hurts.

 

 

So when i meet up with ths friend it's as though everyone is having a good time apart from me, and i'm so tired of pretending everything is okay.

 

Although this friend has been there for me and i thank her so much for that i can't help but think about what she told me a few months back.

Apparently, when i'd left N's place that night (8 months back) she told this friend she thought i might do something stupid.

 

I thank god that although i was really hurt and sad i would never have done anything to myself. What gets to me is if i had have been the type of person to try and take my own life not one of them even bothered to pick up the phone and check that i was okay. If i'd never contacted either of them for all they know i could be at the bottom of some cliff somewhere.

 

Although i'm greatful for this one friend i have left, i do question whether it would be easier/better if I sever all contact and go my own way so to speak. Maybe that would be cutting of my nose to spite my face, but everything connected to where i used to work (even this friend) makes me really sad.

 

When i'm not in contact although i still feel down i start to feel a little stronger by myself but when i have reminders of what i lost i feel even more alone.

 

Even though N has said 'i hope we can still be friends' I know this 'friendship' would be just one sided, i don't think she would ever contact me just to say 'hey how you doing do ya fancy a drink sometime' All contact has only ever come from me & i don't feel there is much coming back from her side. My heart tells me if she really wnats to remain friends then that call/contact has to come from her this time.

 

I tend to think that any other person would have said 'i'm sorry i don't feel the same way but what makes you think that i did' and if you can accept this then sure we can still be friends.

 

I must have got something wrong as even if she thought anything of me just as a friend surely she would have been in touch with me.

 

 

That's it i guess.........i don't quite know what i'm asking for here.....anything would be good right now

 

Thank you so much for reading

[aymee_lee]

This story seems familiar. Have you posted this expereince on here before?

 

I guess if I were you I would try and move on. I know it's much easirer said than done, but if N wanted to be with you, she had her chance. Enjoy what you're doing with your life now. Look for other opportunities to get out and meet people.

 

I DO think everything hapens for a reason, and one day, you will wake up and say 'THIS is why it didn't work out with N'.

 

Good luck.