Husbands plans to go out drinking...

[scarew]

I quit drinking in the spring because I had one of those life changing experiences. I realized that when one drinks without caring how much they've consumed, it leads to distaster. Maybe this is why I hate drinking so much. Now I am pregnant, so I can't even have one. It is INCREDIBLY frusterating to me that my husband still likes to go out and get wasted once in a while. His friends are coming into town for the holidays, and I know they will expect him to drink until he passes out. He says that he is faced with the decision of either letting them down or putting up with a night of hell with me. I said that I don't care if he goes out and has 4 or 5 drinks its 20 that bothers me. He got angry and said I am stubborn and I never budge on this issue. I suggested that while his friends are in town I go to my parents to visit because his drinking disgusts me and I just don't want to be around it. He wasn't pleased with that solution either.

 

I hate it so much. I know that when his friends come down they will expect it from him. The thing is the guy doesn't even really drink anymore. So he can't hold his liquor like he used to. It worries me. I thought he learned his lesson the other weekend. He went out with a friend and almost got in ALOT of crap with the police, but got off with a slap on the wrist. Long story. I guess he didn't learn anything.

 

Can someone help me on how to handle this? Other than, your husband shouldnt be partying with the baby coming, you should leave him...

[RayKay]

Your husband is a grown up and has to make his own choices, and if you think drinking is a dealbreaker then you need to make your own choices too.

 

It's great you decided that you did not want to drink like that anymore, but that does not mean your choice becomes his choice, you know?

 

I suspect that you have come down on him a few times for this, and this tends to lead to tension and someone being even more determined to do what you don't want him to do. It does not help when you say you are disgusted in him because of his drinking.

 

He is a big boy, whatever his friends expect he can make his choices for himself. And suffer the consequences. And while you are pregnant, it does not mean his life has to stop either. I was at a party on Saturday where there were three very pregnant woman there with their husbands. Their husbands drank - not to point of passing out by any means, but they had a few. If it IS a dealbreaker for you and you have discussed it with him then you need to make YOUR choices based on that.

 

I am not saying regular excessive drinking is okay, but even you said it was once in a while in your post. Maybe discussing how it concerns you for his health, and safety, rather then telling him it disgusts you would go further?

[AwdreeHpburn]

scare - sounds like you've been pretty compromising. Asking him to just not have as many, saying fine then I just won't be here when you get back so I don't have to see it... what more does he want?

 

i think he DOES need to have a severe consequence in order to get it. Of course if he doesn't see any trouble from the police, the lesson he DID learn is that he can get out of stuff, it's not as bad or he WOULD'VE gotten into more trouble. It's hard to see it for what it really is, LUCK!

 

I think you may have to let him learn this lesson on his own. DON'T be there when he gets back from a night of too much drinking. He needs to know and believe your stance on that.

[Beec]

Because you now don't like drinking, he is supposed to change how he feels about it? I don't understand how your choice with regard to drinking has to be his choice too. If you decide to become a vegetarian, or do the opposite and go on the Atkins diet, does that mean he has to also. You sounding a little controlling to me. If you were my wife, you're night of hell would fall on deaf ears and the next crrccck you heard would be the sound of me opening a beer.

 

If you don't want him to drink and not act like a horse's butt, then tell him to drink but that he had better do it responsibly. Give him the ways and the means, buy him some decent beer, and tell him to enjoy, and but take away the cars keys and give him the number of a cab or have hims tay at home and enjoy. Don't make him choose between a night of hell from you or being called p____-whipped by his friends. Give him a choice that he can enjoy and live with, and for which he will love you more. Tell him to have fun, help him do it, tell him he needs to be responsible, because now he has big responsibilities.

[Mythical_Suicide]

Beec, she clearly stated that she didn't mind him having a FEW beers but drinking in excess to where he's passing out drunk, drinking 20 beers yes.. that is alittle out of hand, and yes he should have enough respect for her to compromise. She's willing to compromise and say go out and have a nice time just dont drink TOO MUCH!! why can't he do the same and just drink a few? Seems like maybe his head is in the wrong place when he feels he needs to get completely trashed just because his friends "expect it" . But Scare, as far as what to do I would go to your mother's house and just not be there when he gets home, if he wants to go out and get trashed he has to have some type of consequences to deal with and it seems his almost getting in trouble with the law didn't help so maybe you being gone will open his eyes.

[Beec]

And I bet histroically, neither one of them has ever had a problem tying one on in the past. Now, she has changed how she feels about that, and she expects him to change.

 

This is a woman who has altered the playing field, and expects him to accommodate her. Her expectations are probably very abrupt, i.e within some months, since she was in all likelihood getting drunk just this past spring (her life-changing experience). So, we have two people who lived one way for a while, and she changed 180 degress, and now expects him to abandon their former lifestyle.

 

If she wants him to do so, and if she wants him to love her, she's going about it all the wrong way, trying to bend him to her will.

 

I stick by what I said. Give him the means to tie one on. Tell him to do so responsibly. And he'll love her all the more.

 

If she uses the passive aggressive tactics, as has been suggested, and she is declaring war. If she was my wife, she might get war. My woman has no problem with me tying one on once in a while. Of course, I am not driving at the time, or otherwise getting in trouble.

[scarew]

Thanks guys,

I need that honesty. Your right, just because I have decided to be a vegetarian doesn't mean he has to. I think he looks at it like his last real chance to do this because the baby will be here next year and it won't be as easy. I wish I could plan out the exact day he was planning on doing this so I could prepare better. On fridays nights they have AA here and I have gone there for support before. I guess I have you guys too

 

I should let him make his own mistakes. It's just hard to let go when we have a family on the way. Yah I will take away his keys. It's so stupid, we got in a spat about it this morning because it stresses him out that I am stressed out about his friends all coming here. Its okay though, we brushed it off and carried on. Maybe I will buy him a six pack and say sorry I am so controlling.

[luvursmile]

Im gonna have to agree with Beec here. It sounds kinda harsh, but its true. Just because 1 person decides that they no longer want to do something, it doesnt mean that the other person has to follow. If my husband decided he didnt wanna drink anymore...Great! Good for him! Im not going to change my lifestyle just because he does. I would respect him & I would drink responsibly. And if he doesnt want me to drink in front of him...Fine, I can respect that. But I would not do it simply because he did it or expects me to do it. You simply cannot expect someone to do whatever your will is.

 

If you really want him to stop drinking, talk to him rationally. Tell him that drinking is bad, etc. and tell him about your experiences. If he wants to go out & drink, just make sure he doesnt drive. I would even go as far as hosting his friends in my house, rather than have him drinking & driving. Just what I would do.

[scarew]

I was at a party on Saturday where there were three very pregnant woman there with their husbands. Their husbands drank - not to point of passing out by any means, but they had a few.

 

RayKay,

 

It's good to hear I'm not the only one. Do you thinks its normal and acceptable for the hubands to continue drinking and partying after their pregnant wifes are too tired to go on? This is what my husband does. I have always been bothered by it. We will be out with some friends and I will express my tiredness, and he will just say okay you take the car home I'll get a ride later. If this shouldn't be bothering me then tell me, because I really struggle with it. I feel like we are both pregnant and he should leave when I do. Any opinions beec?

[Beec]

I would even go as far as hosting his friends in my house, rather than have him drinking & driving. Just what I would do.

 

That's exactly what I would do, host.

 

I'd buy food and beer. Buy some chips and nuts, stock up on beer and whatever else they might like to drink. Invite (or have him invite) these friends over, and then go someplace with friends of your own or to your families, tell him to have a good night and enjoy it, do it with a smile. The next day, mosey over there and make fun of him being hung over.

 

I recently wrote about a guy who knew he wanted to marry his wife, while she was at home in the Midwest, adn he was in Mexico surfing with friends. Instead of telling him to stay at home, etc., she told him to go surf and have fun. While doing it, he realized she was the one for him.

 

I think you can and should expect him to be responsible enough to stay out of trouble, and to do what he needed to avoid it. He is going to be a father soon. (FWIW, I've heard of a number of expectant fathers who want to go out and have fun during the pregnancy, looking at it as their last chance. This is common.)

 

Give him the party, and he will want and love you more than ever, and hopefully, do what it takes to make you happy in other ways. It's probably going get you better results than trying to control him.

[BellaDonna]

I don't think that there's anything wrong with having a drink now and then, and catching a buzz. And of course I do not think that there is anything wrong with hanging out with friends and having a good time.

 

His friends are coming into town for the holidays, and I know they will expect him to drink until he passes out.

 

However, that is the part of your story that concerns me the most. Why would one make it a goal to get so wasted that you pass out/throw up/ all the things that go along Alcohol Abuse. That is distinctively different from an average fun time. It's plain wreckless.

 

I can see why you would have an issue with this. Pregnancy and partying don't mix.

 

This is a woman who has altered the playing field, and expects him to accommodate her

 

Beec I do agree with your point, except that I think a BABY on the way is what is really altering the playing field. IMO, if I were pregnant, I would not be too pleased of a dad-to-be who hasn't grown up YET and still needs to "pass out" to have a good time or who doesn't have enough spine to know when to tell his buddies "no" if they keep trying to pump him with alcohol. People mature (at least you hope they do- and the circumstances of being a new father should be the fuel to act more responsible.) It sounds like mom has matured but dad is lagging behind.

 

BellaDonna

[Beec]

When would you rather have him out partying, when you are expecting, or when there is a crppy diaper at home. I've known women to give their husbands the green light, to be out without them, while expecting. And then, they leave him at home to change the diapers, while they go have fun. Is that a better tradeoff?

[BornToResist]

You mentioned going to AA...are you an alcoholic?

 

The reason I ask is because that changes things in my eyes.

 

I completely agree with Beec, but if you suffer from an addiction, then I don't see what would be wrong with wanting to remove yourself from the temptation, if that's the case.

[BellaDonna]

When would you rather have him out partying, when you are expecting, or when there is a crppy diaper at home. I've known women to give their husbands the green light, to be out without them, while expecting. And then, they leave him at home to change the diapers, while they go have fun. Is that a better tradeoff?

 

In my marriage he could party anytime as long as he was not abusing alcohol, passing out, puking, or acting like an idiot etc.

 

In the kind of relationship I have, no one would be leaving the other flat and stuck with diapers. No one would be passing out full of toxic levels of booze instead of acting like an adult.

 

I think if anything is going to make a person act more responsible, a baby (whether on the way or already born) is a very good reason to clean up one's act.

 

BellaDonna

[Beec]

In my marriage he could party anytime as long as he was not abusing alcohol, passing out, puking, or acting like an idiot etc.

 

In the kind of relationship I have, no one would be leaving the other flat and stuck with diapers. No one would be passing out instead full of booze of acting like an adult.

 

I think if anything is going to make a person act more responsible, a baby (whether on the way or already born) is a very good reason to clean up one's act.

 

BellaDonna

 

You're relationship and my relationship are not scarew's relationship. There's two people involved there with two different sets of views and desires. Scarew's views have changed. His drinking practices probably will change sooner or later, but not necessarily at the same time and pace as anyone else's.

 

Try and force him to change about anything, and see how that works for you, and let me know.

[Mythical_Suicide]

I am alittle bit touchier on the subject than most of yours because I have dealt with this and still deal with this occasionally. I stay at home with my son 24/7 and take care of him on my own, while my bf goes out and does the things that Scare described her SO is doing so I take it alittle bit closer to heart on what should be done. I agree with BellaDonna, he needs to mature real quick before this child gets here because otherwise if she doesn't make it clear to him now he's going to continue doing this and its going to end up like my bf and I are. I take care of the kid while he parties.

[Dako]

My anti-smoking ex helped me quit cigarettes by not nagging me. We left on vacation, and I didn't take smokes to prove I could do it. I opened my bags at the destination and found she'd packed cigarettes. She said my plan would just make me crazy, and that I should quit on my own timetable.

A month later I was off cigarettes for good.

Most guys push back when nagged. I sure do.

 

What kind of father does he want to be?

One that gets stupid-drunk?

Kids emulate parents, no matter what the parents tell them.

[Beec]

SO is doing so I take it alittle bit closer to heart on what should be done.

 

And what have you done, and how has that worked for you?

 

You seem somewhat angry about it, so my perhaps your results have not been stellar. If that's the case, maybe rethinking your strategy and tactics would be in order.

[Mythical_Suicide]

Actually giving my bf an ultimatum has worked, he has stopped going out as often as he was and has only been out maybe three times this year and when he goes out he doesnt get trashed he has maybe two beers at the most.

Yes, I still do get angry at the thought because alot of fathers like this turn into little when it comes to being a parent and they think that just because the woman has to carry the baby and cant do anything they should still be able to go out, party and get drunk in my opinion I wasn't the only one having fun making the baby so why should I be the only one to give up everything ? And it doesnt change when the baby is born either, most woman are sitting at home taking care of the kids while guys like this are out partying having a good ole time.

[Beec]

I read lots of anger coming through from you Mythical Suicide. I'm all for him drinking responsibly when he goes out, but I am also for givign your partner freedom, freedom to let looseas they wish to, from time to time.

 

I also think you should have that freedom. The freedom to go out, close the door, do whatever you want to do for an afternoon or a night, and know someone, i.e. the father, will take care of your child. Give him some freedome, tellhim to go out and enjoy, and often you will find a man trying to make you happy.

[scarew]

Thanks beec. Really. I appreciate it. I wasn't posting here for someone to tell me I'm right, just how to cope. If ya can't beat em, er-host em!

[Mythical_Suicide]

My thing is, and its a whole other discussion truthfully but since it was brought up I will defend myself and the way I feel towards it. How it is perceived is if a mother goes out and gets drunk and tore up, etc she is a bad mother and gets labeled, right? That is how most of the world looks at it but if a father goes out and gets drunk and completely trashed he is all right and deserves a night out ? and when someone says something to them they are "pushing them away" . That is the part that my anger stems from.

Don't get me wrong i'm not trying to attack anyone or judge anyone but this is just how society is.

[luvursmile]

My thing is, and its a whole other discussion truthfully but since it was brought up I will defend myself and the way I feel towards it. How it is perceived is if a mother goes out and gets drunk and tore up, etc she is a bad mother, right? That is how most of the world looks at it but if a father goes out and gets drunk and completely trashed he is all right and deserves a night out? and when someone says something to them they are "pushing them away" . That is the part that my anger stems from.

Don't get me wrong i'm not trying to attack anyone or judge anyone but this is just how society is.

 

I see what youre saying. There are limits however. I think if a woman who is a mother, decides to once in a while go out with her friends and have a little fun, that does not make her a bad mother. She would be a bad mother if she did it every night or every weekend. Same goes for men. Most mothers do not do it because they dont want to leave their children, they wanna aspend time with them, etc. Its a motherly protective thing I guess.

[Mythical_Suicide]

No doubt, I totally agree it should be okay for both a mother and a father to go out once in awhile and have fun, but what I was pretty much saying is that the world is general is quicker to judge and label a mother who does it rather than a father no matter how often the mother goes out. Catch what im saying?

[Beec]

Thanks beec. Really. I appreciate it. I wasn't posting here for someone to tell me I'm right, just how to cope. If ya can't beat em, er-host em!

 

 

You're welcome.

 

I might let him know that you WILL expect him to allow you to have some fun time after June rolls around and you can do things again. And I might infer that there is probably a few diaper changes in his future during those periods when you decide to have girls night out, go shopping, head to a spa for an afternoon, sit and have tea, or go with the girls to a shooting range or bowling alley or whatever (I'm trying to not be sexist).

 

Your freedom is curtailed now because your are pregnant. When it's no longer curtailed, make sure he knows you will be expecting him to let you have free time.