Am i being paranoid now?

[Jlizzy]

Still seeking some advice.

 

My bf was acting in my opinion a bit strange friday and saturday. (More than the current issues we have going on where I feel we don't have a fantastic connection) He went to the pub after work, I couldnt contact him for a about an hour to find out if I was still on time to go and join him as previously agreed. Finally he calls to say he's on his way home to see me. He comes home like he's out of breath and tells me he's off to see his mum. I wanted to see her too so he said "well if you want to go, I'm leaving in 5 minutes you'd better be ready"...so much for " i want to come home and see you" ..suddenly also out of the blue he's telling me how he's meeting up with friends from his old drama club later.

 

I went to a friend's birthday party and he went his way. He joined me later and still I had a weird feeling I could not place. Same day I had a few moments of the same odd feeling.

 

Saturday night I couldn't hold it in anymore (I also overheard him tell his colleague "I love you") so we had a big chat about the state of our relationship and i tried to emphasise my need for us to be more intimate on various levels including conversation wise. At first of course there was defensiveness and harsh words, finally we agreed on some things we think may help when he's back from his business trip and he told me he doesn't want to lose me and no he'd never dream of doing the dirt and besides he'd never ever dirty his bib around colleagues. I believe(d) him.

 

This evening he calls on the phone from his business trip, we talked some, I really had a day of "everything that can go wrong will go wrong" and my bf has already stated his concern/dismay at my complaining about work daily for the past few weeks (work is getting a bit rough). Suddenly he goes cold (nothing new). He had mentioned a moment before how the battery was dying out on his phone so we may get cut off. We said our goodbyes, goodnight etc.

 

I sent a text message to his phone saying I hoped I wasn't being to negative..I was more trying to be ironic/funny than negative...straight away i got a raport on my phone saying the message had sent. Just a while ago I sent a text which also sent. No response. Btw not sure how it is in America but the significance of report saying message sent means his phone is definitely on ie if the battery was low or whatever..well his phone is working in any case...

 

It's way late where he is now...before we moved in together 2 months ago it was the norm to text every night goodnight. Maybe now it's different? Surely if your partner expresses concerns you make an effort?

 

Just feeling a bit uneasy about the weird vibes...I already feel the connection is lacking but now on top of it the vibes have been a bit weird..

 

Maybe I'm imagining it? However history has proven to me I tend to have a knack for vibes in general.

 

Am i being paranoid? Am i letting my concerns about the relationship get the better of me?

[caro33]

Hard to say I'm afraid.

 

For what it's worth, you sound reasonable, and you sound really switched on.

 

However, that doesn't mean you are not jumping at shadows re your whole vibe thing. He may be disassociating from you and building up to 'it's just not working'. But it's not clearcut at all. He could also just be distracted, he could be upset, he could be confused about how to behave...who knows. He sounds a bit distant for my tastes, but if you guys have been having problems it may be par for the course.

 

I know you said you can't really place the funny feeling you had from the start of your post, but I'm going to ask you to try anyway. What is your absolute worst case scenario here, something that is not out of the bounds of possibility? What do you think MIGHT be going on?

[Davvvid]

If you suspect him of lying, I recommend you check out the following link link removed

They're direct quotations from the book Never Be Lied To Again.

 

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Some points I think need to be emphasized for you

 

We often see the world as a reflection of ourselves. If you’re being accused of something, check your accuser’s veracity. Watch out for those people who are always telling you just how corrupt the rest of the world is. Beware of those asking you if you believe him. They may respond with, “you don’t believe me, do you?” Most people who tell the truth expect to be believed.

 

He will use your words to make his point. When asked, “Did you cheat on me?” The liar answers, “No, I didn’t cheat on you.” In addition, when a suspect uses a contraction – “It wasn’t me” instead of “It was not me” – statistically, there is a 60% chance he is truthful.

 

He may casually tell you something that should deserve more attention. “Oh by the way, I’ve got to go out of town next weekend on business.” If he doesn’t usually travel for work on the weekends, then you would expect her to make a point of how unusual the trip is. Her downplaying the trip makes it suspicious. When something out of the ordinary happens and the person doesn’t draw attention to it, it means that he is trying to draw attention away from it. Another tactic is running off a long list of items in the hope that one will remain unnoticed.

 

Deceitful response to questions regarding beliefs and attitudes take longer to think up. However, how fast does the rest of the sentence follow the initial one-word response? In truthful statements a fast no or yes is followed quickly by an explanation. If the person is being deceitful the rest of the sentence may come more slowly because he needs time to think up an explanation.

 

A liar willingly answers your questions but asks none of his own. For example, during their first intimate encounter, Randy asks his new girlfriend if she’s ever been tested for AIDS. She responds with “Oh, yes, certainly,” and continues on a bit about annual checkups, giving blood, etc. And then nothing! If she was concerned about her health, as her answer implied, then she would have asked him the same question. The liar is often unaware that coming accross as truthful means both answering and asking questions.

 

Statements sound an awful lot like questions, indicating that he’s seeking reassurance. Voice, head and eyes lift at the end of their statement.

 

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Something I recommend you do is use allusions. If you truly suspect him of cheating, tell him a story of how one of your co-workers is cheating. Gauge his reaction and decide for yourself if he is lying to you or not. Use the aforementioned link to see what the telltale signs are.

 

 

 

 

Also, your vibe may truly be correct. In actuality, vibes are merely out of synch patterns that people notice. Such as you subconsciously notice someone is acting different so your subconscious mind tells your conscious mind to "be wary".

 

 

 

 

 

Good luck with your problems!

[Jlizzy]

Woah how interesting to read this some 2 years on! He came back from that business trip and I soon after found out he cheated on me during same said trip!! At which point I packed my bags and left...I guess I was right...

[mca1975]

oh Im really sorry, it sounds like this may be happening again? He has cheated on you before! I didnt realise. No wonder you can't trust him. I would assume he is and come out and ask.

[Jlizzy]

MCa-Ha no...It didn't happen again. All I meant was it was so interesting 2 years later to reread these posts knowing the eventual outcome. My initial post was asking if I was being paranoid...I was getting weird vibes from him. He eventually cheated on me on a business trip thereby proving me right and causing me to immediately pack my bags and leave.

[Ms Darcy]

Good for you for leaving! Emotions and feelings are powerful barometers. What's confusing is that they can either signal a problem in the relationship (cheating etc) or a problem within the person (paranoia etc). I'm glad it was the former for you and that you got out of that. Are you in another relationship now?