please please give me some advice

[kath123]

i havent posted for quite a while,but everything seems really up in the air at the moment and i would like to talk to some of my old friends on this site..and new ones of course.

well its been three months since my ltp left me for anthother woman.,i have been through every emotion possible.i have stuck with no contact or very limited contact due to the kids..i have posted here and received good advice and in return ive given any advice i can offer.,ive never begged or pleaded, in fact i am very proud of the way i have handled this nightmare..

My family has suffered but seem to be ok now,the kids have even been on holiday with my ex and his new gf..i found this very difficult but didnt show my true feelings,as im determined to remain dignified and civil..

i have recently met a male friend on msn and we seem to get along quite well..ive met him once in person,but im not sure im ready for any kind of emotional attachment so ive explained my situation to him, and stressed that for now i can only be a friend..maybe one day that will change i dont know..The importatant thing is i felt i was moving in the right direction,,getting on with my new unplanned single life..BUT>>last night i received a text message from my ex it read "-i miss you loads xx_" i was so shocked i simply replied with a question mark,,and that was it. Such a small message but it has thrown me right back to the beginning..He is still with his new partner ,he is still in regular contact with our children.everything seemed to be settling down, and then he does this,what is he thinking of.

Has it taken him this long to realise he's made a mistake,or is he just tormenting me..

please please give me your thoughts on this!!

why is life sooo hard?

[need2bme]

I know it is hard. Oh how I know it is hard. I have a mini breakup inside a larger breakup. Look, I know you hurt, but don't let him throw you all the way back to the beginning. It is a shame he feels the need to tell you how much he misses you, in a text nontheless. All, while conveniently attached to his new flame.

 

What is it that you want? Could you go back, if her wanted back? Is there enough love that would work it out for you two?

 

Normally, I would tell you to forget about him, but right now, I understand what it is like to miss someone and get blindsided.

[kath123]

i think i am shocked more than anything.,i have over the past three months realised that i can get through this,i am getting through it,im not scared anymore of being alone.,that said though i would be lying to myself if i said i dont still love him.we had eleven years together which were very happy,,we had what i thought was a perfect life..obviously i misread the signs somewhere along the way, i never wanted anything more than to get back to how we were,until i found out about the other party in this.,that changed everything,but not how much i still love him,maybe i never will stop.,and maybe im reading too much into his message,perhaps he does miss me but doesnt want to be with me at the same time.

im wondering now though if i'll receive any more contact and what to do if thats the case,,how should i handle that?

[Biffy]

Well Kath, sounds to me that your ex thought the grass was greener and has very quickly found out that the grass was actually a mild diarrhoea kind of brown instead.

 

He wants to have his cake and eat it too... Wants to keep trying with the lady he left you for but at the same time keep his foot in the door with you.

 

Not nice at all. NC all the way.

[Juliana]

Kath, I agree, and have often thought, how well you have handled all this. The emtional upset has been just terrible, but you have tried to keep your head on straight and move forward in a sane way. Your conduct has been in stark contrast to that of the other people in your life, and I've often wished there were some way to protect good people from selfish people around them.

 

I wish that now. I don't know for certain, but I have a couple of books available by "breakup" experts, and both of them say that around the two month mark, the guy who leaves gets some kind of "buyers remorse," and tries to come back in some way shape or form. Maybe they just feel that they need to know they could go back if they wanted or had to. But I think love is expressed in loving actions, not in throwaway gestures like this one. I would want to see something concrete, like him leaving her, for example, before I gave any credit to the thought that he might have feelings for you that are drawing him back to you.

 

You're a good person, Kath. Remember to protect yourself the way a good friend would if they could.

[kath123]

thanks julianna,

again your advice is spot on,,i realise that his feeble message is not that important, but cant help the fact that its shaken me up a little,.( or indeed a lot ) Do you think that people carrying out no contact can actually fool themselves into thinking they are healing,and then when something like this happens they realise that they are a long way off that healing.,is that whats happened to me now??

[Juliana]

I think that it depends on what you want out of "healing." If your intention is to feel little or nothing when you see him, then yes, no contact can definitely fool you into thinking you've gotten there. No contact is useful to keep us from being manipulated by people whose motives are inscrutable at best when they deal with us. It protects us from being hurt by people who don't have our best interests at heart, at a time when we desperately want to believe that they might. But it in no way promotes the concept of being able to stand on our own two feet while dealing with them; that is something that we have to undertake to actively move towards. I went no contact with one person for upwards of 10 years; he still hurt me badly when I saw him finally. In my opinion, no contact, in and of itself, does not heal. It simply minimizes the damage that can occur in some cases.

 

Some people, particularily those who have been abused, simply cannot afford the total loss of a relationship. If they are capable of aim inhibition and being happy with a lesser degree of intimacy, no contact will actually be destructive. It's important to do what's right for you. If someone is brutal and bitter and hurts you all the time, no contact is the way to go. If someone is friendly and capable of bearing some respect for you as a person separate from any role you fulfill for them, then no contact should be optional for both parties.

 

That said, and stepping down off my soapbox, I do think no contact is right for you, at this point. I think there is probably a time to end no contact as part of healing, and you aren't there yet. It really hasn't been that long.