Issues

[Momene]

Now many people have "issues". I don't just mean ones relating to the relation ship they're in but also things like addiction, self-esteem, etc.

 

My question is can you solve issues while within a relationship or do you have to break off the relationship to solve those issues?

 

My own feeling is that it is possible to fix issues while within the relationship as long as you take responsibility for your own issues.

[mikeca]

well so far time apart helped me fix some of my issues, definitely made me a better person, and when we came back it made me want to help her out as well.

 

overall, you have to help yourself before you can help anyone else

[Momene]

Using my case as an example, time apart is quite practically difficult as we are married and have a daughter. It isn't possible for either of us to just "take off" because of work and financial commitments.

 

I think most normal people will have various issues as they progress through life and it helps to solve in place, rather than keep taking breaks, as many people will end up with lots of breaks. Now if the issue is a potential dealbreaker then I think things will need to be worked out very carefully.

[silentalways]

u can't skip the frienship part of a relationship because that's how u build the foundation to solve things when they get rough.

 

i recently met an amazing woman and we both sort of went 'omg! no-way', and went 0 to 60, then realized not only had we skipped over the friendship stage of things but discovered we still have some personal issues to tackle first so we decided to take care of those things first and then see what happens - worse case is we become great friends and enjoy music and go out sometimes. that sounds pretty sweet and delicious to me and its great that we both could step back, see what was happening and take care of ourselves before getting too far ahead. what a refreshing way to support and show trust, care and love for another. personally, it was something that really pushed me to tackle things seriously so a big thank u to her.

[caro33]

Now many people have "issues". I don't just mean ones relating to the relation ship they're in but also things like addiction, self-esteem, etc.

 

My question is can you solve issues while within a relationship or do you have to break off the relationship to solve those issues?

 

My own feeling is that it is possible to fix issues while within the relationship as long as you take responsibility for your own issues.

 

I agree Momene, and I guess it also depends on the significance of the issues.

 

The permanently 'issue free' relationship would seem a fantasy to me. It would seem normal to find some way to cope with most issues without having to call 'time out' from a long-term or serious relationship.

[silky88]

i think that it should be possible to solve issues within a relationship, as long as there is love, and as long as if some space is needed, it is granted.

 

this is why i don't think that self-issues alone should ever be enough to break people up (if you've read my recent posts, you know my situation). i know that my boyfriend has some issues that he is struggling with, and so do i. i mean, who in their twenties (as we are) is not facing some sort of major life-upheaval? i know that the better i get to know myself, the deeper (and sometimes scarier) things that i have to confront.

 

and while i know that no one else can help me solve my own problems, or can solve them for me, i also know that if you love someone and get along with them, there should be a way to work it all out in the context of a relationship. they should be willing to stand by you, even if you're not quite "yourself." as long as there's sufficient communication, you should be able to reach some sort of stasis.

[Momene]

The unfortunate fact, is that when you are in your teens and early 20s you see those times as one of great change and great upheaval as you try to make your way in the world. The problem is that you are not issue-free as you get older. Here's my list:

 

29: First marriage breaks up. Devastated, drink too much

 

31: Was going to get engaged and it was suddenly called off

 

36/37: Employer announces pay and promotions freeze. Cannot get job elsewhere. Debt problems start. Self esteem drops

 

42: Morale reaches an all-time low and I change jobs for a lower position with slightly less money

 

44: Health problems with both my wife and I surface

 

49: Worst year for absolutely ages. Nearly lose job with small payout. Serious cracks in marriage appear

 

Today: Employer merged with another. Not sure what I want to do work-wise. Heart says leave with redundancy payout; head says have to support family. Spending lots of time away on business and miss family a lot

 

In that list of crises I did get remarried at 33 and have a daughter at 35. Apart from my first book nearing publication and a couple of nice fish, not much else to be happy about.

[silky88]

oh, i feel for you in your current situation. i have NO IDEA of what it's like to be older than i am, of course (though i wish that i could!). i wish that i could be better at advice on these sort of things. but where does your wife stand on all of this? does she urge you to follow your heart, or is she of the pragmatic support-the-family viewpoint?

 

i'd hate for you to continue to be in a job that you don't like, but at the same time, is it possible for you to stick with it and pursue other options and then leave when the proper moment arises?

 

i'm a big proponent of the "love should be enough" camp -- but only if both parties feel it equally and are willing to support each other however necessary. it should never be one person left "holding the bag" as the saying goes, when another person yearns for some sort of escape... that's the big issue i'm having in my current LTR.

 

i sincerely hope for the best for you, and keep us posted!

[Momene]

My wife is supportive to some extent but is limited in her ability to be so. She has anxiety/depression issues of her own. She is of the view that supporting the family financially is the top priority, not because she is mean by nature but because our financial position is quite poor.

 

I'm pursuing astronomy writing and she can get quite disparaging about it, thinking it's a waste of time. She doesn't share my passioin for the hobby and prefers me to laze around doing nothing instead. From my point of view, as well as satisfying my unrequited ambitions in the workplace, it is my only realistic chance of achieving an income boost.