What exactly are the "no expectations" rules?

[afonselaca]

I was seeing a guy for 2 months and everything was going great. Went overnight to a fancy hotel and had a day of shopping. On the way home I told him that we should see each other for a few more months and then see how we feel about each other.

 

Three weeks went by with a handful of phone calls but didn't see him. Everything tapered off so much that I ended up telling him that part of seeing someone is actually seeing them... and I thought we should break up since he obviously wasn't interested. He said to sleep on it and I would feel better in the morning. He said he isn't clingy and just busy at work.

 

10 days went by after the break-up and I emailed him. I apologized for having too many expectations too quickly and suggested we reframe it without expectations. He agreed and asked me over. Everything was as if the three weeks plus 10 days hadn't been spent apart. It was easy, intimate and passionate.

 

That was last Sat. night. No phone call or attention since. I hoped he would want to see me this weekend but now I am stuck on figuring out what the "no expectations" rules are from a man's perspective.

 

In the meantime, my Ex-boyfriend resurfaced and has been driving me insane with 20 phone calls everyday, literally, and he is the utlimate definition of clingy. I told him last night that I only want to be his friend and he should not call so often and I was very nice but, wow, I wish he would go away.

 

How can one guy be so distant and without the interest to call me and the other one won't leave me alone long enough to breathe?

 

What exactly are the "no expectations" rules? What do I do next? I'm afraid if I don't initiate contact with #1, contact will cease altogether.

[annie24]

I think you should forget about the guy. You don't sound clingy at all, really, part of "seeing" someone is actually SEEING them! it sounds like he's not too interested, so I would just let him slip away.

 

I don't think you should have ever apologized. I think you were right the first time. I mean, if he's letting you feel ignored and neglected, to the point where other guys are entering the picture, then he's sending you a message that he doesn't care enough to make sure another guy doesn't snag you up.

 

as your exboyfriend shows you, if a guy wants to find you, he will!!!!

 

find someone new and good luck

[Lion-Guy]

This guy is not worth your time. There are better guys out there for you.

It takes much more time and effort to make a relationship work than he is willing to put out. AND there is no reason for you to apologize to him.

[need2bme]

I agree that someone should make the effort to see someone they supposedly care about.

 

Who am I to give advice though...'cause I am in the same boat.

[Survictor]

You're the best person to give advice... and take a piece of it for yourself!

[afonselaca]

need2bme - aren't you the guy who recently had a b-day and didn't get a special wish from your SO? You sound like a nice guy and it is terrible to get let down like that. sorry that happened to ya.

 

 

I just got an email from Mr. No Expectations which is a total surprise. I don't think he has emailed me out of the blue since we started dating. So, I guess I am on his mind tonight!

 

no expectations, LOL, what a joke.

 

I replied and told him about all the things I have been doing this weekend. Make it clear I'm not sitting here waiting... I have things going on... truthfully, it was nice to get that email

[Survictor]

afonselaca, I hope you kept him waiting before you responded, just so he knows you do have things going on.

[annie24]

ha. yeah, I don't think "no expectations" is really working out for you. Honestly, it doesn't for me either.

 

I would keep meeting new men though, keep dating others. don't put all your eggs in one basket, especially not with this guy.

[afonselaca]

Thinking a lot about this. I don't really want 24/7 contact with anyone, or five nights per week, or every weekend for that matter. I really like having my independence and freedom... this arrangement is perfect for me, and I like that he isn't stalking me, tracking my every move, clinging to my every word or bombarding me with calls and text msgs. I want to do my thing and I'm glad to have someone in my life who lets me be me and do my thing. I'm also glad we don't have a jealousy element.

 

Last night we ended up in a long back & forth email thing involving intimate pics and racy text. It was a lot of fun!

 

His last message said he was going to sleep. Then it said "don't stop...heheh" so I was a bit confused. Waited a bit and went over to link removed to see if he became otherwise occupied and sure enough he was logged in! I called him and startled him out of his sleep and went from angry to oops when I realized that he wasn't sitting there emailing some chick. Why he logs into match so often is beyond me since that is a nowhere nothing site.

 

Tonight I called him and told him last night was the first time I had shared intimate pics with anyone and was looking for a bit of reassurance. Feeling a bit vulnerable. He wasn't exactly comforting and at one point I asked him why he was being so mean. His sarcastic barbs were flying!

 

Whatever. I wrote a letter tonight and told him that respect is required. If he doesn't contact me again it will be okay. If he does then let the fun continue. I'm so disjointed relationally from him but don't want a relationship from anyone, so no hard feelings. Here is the last paragraph of my letter tonight:

 

"But, if you don't have respect for me then you need to let me go. If this caused you to lose what respect you may have had then I'm sorry for that but I can't apologize because I enjoyed it. If you do have respect for me then show tenderness toward me as your lover and some kind of nice gesture to let me know you're cool wouldn't kill ya."

 

He acted like I attacked him or something. So, I guess if he doesn't respect me and that is why he reacted that way then so be it. Maybe I don't really care either way anymore, huh? But I so like the sex. Bad me. Bad.

[annie24]

Thinking a lot about this. I don't really want 24/7 contact with anyone, or five nights per week, or every weekend for that matter. I really like having my independence and freedom... this arrangement is perfect for me, and I like that he isn't stalking me, tracking my every move, clinging to my every word or bombarding me with calls and text msgs. I want to do my thing and I'm glad to have someone in my life who lets me be me and do my thing. I'm also glad we don't have a jealousy element.

 

we lie loudest when we lie to ourselves. While no one wants 24/7 attention, I think you would like to be hearing a lot more from this guy than you are. And you are jealous, even though you don't want to admit it.

 

So, he logs onto link removed and you start sending him initmate photos of yourself? talk about rewarding bad behavior! And then he acts like a jerk about it?

 

Honestly, drop him. drop him. DTMFA (Dump the MF already!)

 

I don't think he respects you or wants to be your boyfriend. he is definitely not boyfriend material, and the longer you send him racy texts and check up on him and go back and forth with him, the longer it's going to take for you to meet a guy who is into YOU.

 

I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but I think this guy is sending some very clear signals that he doesn't want to be your boyfriend. You clearly care about this guy more than he cares about you because you've established a "no expectations" rule, but you are still wondering what he is doing, and you are getting rattled by it. part of No expectations is that you just don't care, one way or another. And let's face it, no relationship can ever spring out of that.

[afonselaca]

I actually met this guy on link removed. Jealousy on my part is lessened by realizing this guy has been on match for a long time as have the other guys in my age group. Same guys all the time. None of them are actually dating or they are like this one... comittment phobic? Kinda sad and not threatening looking at it that way.

 

The exboyfriend made me realize that I don't like the constant daily contact too much. I'm on some kind of growth path where I am finding contentment in my hobby and work and not seeking completion from a man or relationship. It is kinda refreshing to not be concerned about whether or not someone loves me. The sex without strings is new for me and part of my growth experience.

 

I've always met someone, started seeing him, bam! Instant long term relationship. So, with this one I naturally started it off the same way and wanted exclusivity. He wasn't seeing me as often as I would expect so the rules changed up and I'm seeing how it goes. Of course, I am needing the respect still so perhaps I'm not as "no expectations" as the rules state but I'm learning about myself here.

[afonselaca]

Honestly, drop him. drop him. DTMFA (Dump the MF already!)

 

LOL

\\

[annie24]

how old are you guys?

 

do you really think sex without strings is growth?

 

I think you obviously care about this guy, enough so that you are posting about him. If you didn't feel anything or didn't have any expectations, you wouldn't be made uncomfortable about the situation.

[afonselaca]

We are 38 and 40.

 

I just edited my post above to add this but will repost it here:

I've always met someone, started seeing him, bam! Instant long term relationship. So, with this one I naturally started it off the same way and wanted exclusivity. He wasn't seeing me as often as I would expect so the rules changed up and I'm seeing how it goes. Of course, I am needing the respect still so perhaps I'm not as "no expectations" as the rules state but I'm learning about myself here.

[annie24]

yeah, I think you are right, there does seem to be a "resident" component on link removed. Some people who are ALWAYS on there. Like I know when I did link removed, then took a break from it for 1.5 years, and when I came back, some of the same guys were still there.

 

I can understand about not wanting to just "jump" into the next relationship. taking your time, flirting a bit, those all sound good. but you are right, he isn't respecting you. if he is taking cracks at intimate photos you sent him, he just sounds like bad news. blah.

[afonselaca]

The funniest part of it is this. The exboyfriend broke it off with me 2.5 years ago. I seriously fell into this hole of depression or something and didn't date or want to meet anyone for 2 years. I wanted him back and couldn't understand how he could reject me like that.

 

Here we are 2.5 years later and he's pursuing me and I'm not into it.

 

Strange beans.

[RayKay]

Yeah, I would lose this guy.

 

You may not want a serious relationship right now, but even your posts demonstrate you want more respect, and more than what this guy wants to give you. I understand not wanting someone super clingy like the ex, but I suspect that for you going to the TOTAL opposite is not what you really are needing, even if you are trying to believe you want it.

 

Even in "casual" things people can have some more respect. for one another than this guy is showing you.

 

Oh, do NOT send this guy any more "intimate" photos. I think in a long term exclusive relationship they can be fun, or with someone you trust, but this guy does not exactly seem honourable if he is making rude comments on them and still logged into match at the same time. Those pictures can end up ANYWHERE & EVERYWHERE.

[afonselaca]

Yeah, I would lose this guy.

 

You may not want a serious relationship right now, but even your posts demonstrate you want more respect, and more than what this guy wants to give you. I understand not wanting someone super clingy like the ex, but I suspect that for you going to the TOTAL opposite is not what you really are needing, even if you are trying to believe you want it.

 

Extremes, huh? You are right. There has to be someone out there... some kinda of middle ground.

 

 

Even in "casual" things people can have some more respect. for one another than this guy is showing you.

 

Oh, do NOT send this guy any more "intimate" photos. I think in a long term exclusive relationship they can be fun, or with someone you trust, but this guy does not exactly seem honourable if he is making rude comments on them and still logged into match at the same time. Those pictures can end up ANYWHERE & EVERYWHERE.

 

Definitely won't be sending pics anymore. It was an experience but some things you only need to experience once. LOL

 

His rude comments were due to the fact it was taking me too long to get the pics together. I honestly was snapping off these blurry shots you couldn't see anyway. I laughed and told him that at least now he knows what to get me for Christmas! A decent camera!! LOL

[RayKay]

Oh there are definitely people in the middle ground. One's whom are INTO YOU but also respect your space and have their own individual lives too. I suspect you would be much happier with someone whom has that BALANCE rather than being at one end or the other!