he breaks up then calls...too much on and off?!

[heyguys]

well my bf and i have had some difficulties lately, just dissagreeing on many different things. Last night he broke up with me saying he was tired of all this. he was real mean and rude saying many hurtful things. then he calls saying he didnt mean it and he wants to go to dinner. what do i do about someone so indecisive. i want to see him and be with him, but i am tired off being dragged around like this..i feel awful everytime he hangs up on me, then says sorry or pretneds like it never happened the next day. how should i handle this situation?

[dogheadma]

Sometimes people say things when they're hurt that they don't really mean. You two should discuss whatever the issues are that are causing you to fight.

[The Law]

Ask yourself the question. Is he with me so i can make his life unhappy, or are you with him so he can make your life miserable? Of course not , couples are supposed to make eachother happy. Thats why you have to put love and light into eachothers lives on a continues basis. Even small arguments can lead to BIG break ups, this because they act like droplets of poison, adding darkness and hatred into the relationship.So make sure you never start an argument, and if he starts make sure that you don't give another spin to that wheel of hatred. You see, you cannot fight evil with evil, because only evil will win, you can only fight evil with love, if every argument is countered with another hatefull argument, then the wheel of hatred will just keep on spinning. Be sure to be in a relationship to bring happyness to eachother. Always stay and talk in a calm way, stop putting poison into eachothers lives, and don't make elephants out of mosquito arguments, if its really that pittyfull then you don't have to win the argument to begin with, because there's nothing important at stake, Always ask yourself if the argument is worth while risking the relationship.

[DN]

Tell him that you will forgive him this last time but if he breaks up with you again there will be no going back. And make sure he knows you really mean it.

[blender]

I think it would be best to remember that this his behavior has NOTHING to do with YOU, this is HIS pattern of behavior, whether it was you he was dating or someone else, and for now, it would be best for you to take sometime to let him live with his hurtful words, why do you think you rebound so quickly after he simply apologizes? What change in his behavior, (not his words, but his actions) imply that he will not do this again?

 

You can not put the toothpaste back into the tube, all the hurtful things he says in anger and later apologizes for, are still in your mind, your heart, you are affected by his hurtful words whether you realize it or not.. this is NOT a healthy thing to accept in a relationship.

 

If you do go to dinner with him tonight, then you have to set some emotional boundaries and be respectful to your own heart. Or he will never learn to treat you the right way on a consistent basis, you are training this relationship into a pattern of him "letting off steam in a disrespectful way towards you then saying he's sorry then getting back together, and then he does it again"... that is NOT okay.

 

So tonight, you might want to say and then you have to stick by this, that you are no longer willing to tolerate his emotionally insulting outburst towards you, no matter what his excuse may be, and that if he doesn't SHOW a significant change in his behavior that you no longer want to have any contact with him.. plain and simple.

 

You have to respect your own heart if you want someone else to respect it.

 

I'm just curious has he ever said, "you made him" behave a certain way? Because if he has said this, then it's time for you to leave him and not look back...

[heyguys]

yes i will try to fight evil with love and agree to see him. but everytime he doest this i say "this is the last time". i just wish there was something else i could so he can really believe me. i could actually follow through, but i would be with out him...and thats not what i want. i just wish he to stopped threatning all the time, bluffing is what it is. i know he may not mean it most times, but sometimes i dont know...and its still hurts... so i dont know how to help him not get so angry he wants to break up every night..

[DN]

what things does he get angry about?

[heyguys]

any time i express myself about somthing (he calls it nagging). he gets so angry i nag at him. i dont nag though, i just tell him if something is bothering me and i want him to hear me out, and he is preoccupied on the computer, with football, internet, and makes it seem like i am "bugging" him...then he finally snaps and says he's had enough of me. then the next day he says sorry i was tired last night...but its not the "nighttime" its anytime he doesnt want to hear me out unless im telling him nice fun things. i know not evryone lieks to have discussions all the time, but sometimes its necessary, and he has no tolerance

[blender]

You have to get to an emotionally healthy part of yourself to realize that "just being with him" is not enough for you to build a relationship on.. the longer you stay involved with this man the sooner he will resent you, because he doesn't like himself.

 

You have to start setting some respectful boundaries for your own heart, and as long as you are willing to stay in this habit/pattern of his behavior then why would he ever need to change? The answer is, he will NOT change, and you will be in this limbo and pain for as long as you choose to stay with him.

 

But if you love yourself enough and him to set some boundaries, and walk away until he chooses to get some therapy, and you can get some too.. that is the ONLY chance you have at winning a wonderful relationship out of this... but if you are too scared to walk through the pain of standing up for yourself and maybe losing him for a bit, well then look at what you've been through right now, multiply it by ten and that is what your future looks like and that is awful, so make a choice now to be sad for a bit, let him go, get back to your sense of self, gain your independence, and confidence, believe me if you had a stronger sense of your own worth, you'd NEVER TOLERATE HIS BEHAVIOR, you would have left him a long time ago..

 

The sooner you leave him the greater the chance the two of you have for a healthy loving future.. don't you see that?

 

Why would he ever have to change now, you're always willing to come back..so why would he ever have to grow up and behave like a respectful wonderful loving consistently kind man?

 

Until you are willing to be a self loving, self respecting, wonderful consistent, setting standards and values for youself, well then he won't ever have to either where you are concerned.. but if you do have the courage to be without him for awhile, then you have a chance at having a true love with him...but until then, you are digging a hole so deep that the two of you will take a long time to ever get out of.. and believe me if he want's out he won't even look back to grab your hand and pull you to the top, that is up to YOU to do, right now, by setting some standards and sticking to them even if it means losing the "icky controlling jerk" that he becomes... you don't want a life with that part of him so why choose to stay in in now?

 

Ask him to go figure out his life, get some help for his anger, and then he can call you, but until then you need to go work on yourself without the derogitory anger he lashes out with, it's too painful for you, and it's starting to make you walk on eggshells around him and you want more than that in a relationship and you hope it can be with him, but it's not that way now, not until he changes, gets some help and then shows you his is willing to make different choices in behavior...

[dogheadma]

how to help him not get so angry he wants to break up every night..

 

Tell him he should speak with a therapist. This is his issue, not yours and if he's threatening to break up with you every night, then he's very disrespectful and treating you quite shabbily.

 

You shouldn't put up with that. Tell him to make up his mind once and for all and if he says he's breaking up once more that it will be the last.

 

You deserve to be treated much better that this. Don't put up with this ridiculous behavior by any means.

[heyguys]

i agree. i mean i have suggested a few times we should take a break or break up. but i never just declare it the way he does. i just bring up some time apart as a healthy option for us. he does it in away that blames it all on me. yes i may nag, but the root of my nagging is about something he has done and he misses that whole point. he is a very angry and negative person all the time now. i have suggested therapy. he doenst like to talk anymore. even is family suggested therapy

[Bethany]

any time i express myself about somthing (he calls it nagging). he gets so angry i nag at him. i dont nag though, i just tell him if something is bothering me and i want him to hear me out, and he is preoccupied on the computer, with football, internet, and makes it seem like i am "bugging" him...then he finally snaps and says he's had enough

 

If you want things to change and for him to truly listen to you rather than ditching him choose your times better. It's just the timing, from what I can see.

 

Why not just wait until the game is over or compromise and say something like hey after the game is over, I really need you to hear something? It's worth doing and everyone gets what they want without the drama.

[Lady Bugg]

Hey guys ..I agree with Blender 110%...having gone through this sort of thing recently with someone. This guy is verbally and emotionally abusive. You shouldn't HAVE to walk on eggshells to tell somene something they are doing is bothering you....especially if he is threatening to break up with you on a regular basis. That is COMPLETE manipulation. He is..in essense holding you hostage with his words..and his hot and cold behavior.

 

You have more control than you think you do...by simply ending it with him.

I knwo it's not easy...but it's MUCH worse to be caught up in the web of an abusive relationship. One tactic an abuser uses is to make YOU feel as if YOU somehow caused the "problem" or for them to get angry.

 

Take a break from this relationship...even if you DON'T end it..and get a clearer perspective on things. Being "in" the situation is always harder.

Take some time to set some boundaries for yourself....and stick to them.

As Blender said...how can anyone else be expected to respect you if YOU don't?

[blender]

Don't wait for him to go to therapy, go get some for YOURSELF, so you can find out 'why" you are choosing to stay with him, it's okay to still love him, but it's not okay to stay with him and lose your own sense of self,

 

or to be blamed, or called a nag, or on a rollercoaster of break up, and calling you back, calling you names, etc...those kinds of things are not made in a loving, emotionally healthy relationship,

 

that is not love, that is a "power struggle" and HIS "ego"... that is what is making him do this ying and yang of controlling you... because he just doesn't like himself. so he has to point the finger at you whenever you try to "tell him to grow up or "nag' him"..

 

he feels defensive and "revealed" so he CHOOSES to make it about YOU because he knows it's HIM.. This is his "life pattern" and the ONLY person who can change this about him, is HIM... not YOU.. you are powerless over his choices.. negative or positive..

 

..there's no diamond in the rough here, he is who he is.. and YOU are worthy of so much more.. and the only way he might even have a slight chance at discovering his own problems is when someday a woman (like you) has the courage to walk away and not accept his behavior. Then he "might" actually have to look at himself.

 

He doesn't like himself, he doesn't, so it will be very difficult for him to like someone who actually loves him, he will deep down believe there has to be something wrong with her, if she's willing to tolerate all this,

 

but as long as she is, heck why should I change.. nothing to lose here, she'll always put up with it, so it must be "her" and not "me" otherwise if she had standards/values/class/self respect, then she'd never stay with someone who is behaving like I have.. so I guess I can disrespect her too and keep behaving like a jerk and then a sweetheart, then a jerk, then a sweetheart, then a jerk.... etc.....

 

Keep standing there peeling the layers of a stinky onion and no matter how many tears you shed, you only get more onion.

 

But put it on the burner and walk away for awhile, and you might have yourself a healthy meal....

 

Please go see a therapist for your own good...