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I lost one side of my family, and I think I'm losing the other side now...

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Hello, I wasn't sure if this was the right section to post this in, so I applogize in advanced if it's not.


I am a 21 year old girl, which many don't know how many problems I've been, and still am facing.


It all started almost 2 years ago, I was living with my mom and dad, as I am an only child. I was getting on our family computer to check my E-mail and to chat with some friends. I had an E-Bay folder where I would keep pictures of stuff I would sell from time to time on there, I used to be really into selling on there. I clicked on the folder, and saw something I never thought I would ever see in my whole life- and never ever wanted to see. It was a picture of my dad, but he didn't have any clothes on. Ashamed for seeing it, I hurried and got off of the computer and went into my bedroom and cried. I just felt so ashamed that I had even saw that and wondered what in the world it was doing on there, and just wondering "WHY?" I called my boyfriend and told me what I had saw. I didn't know what to do, my mom just got home from work and I acted like nothing happened. The next day, my boyfriend came over and he said, "As much as I don't want to see the picture, and you don't want to see it again, why don't you see if it's still there." So I finally got the courage to get back on the computer and it was gone. I kept debating whether to tell my mom or not, I was most certain she didn't know about this. She never even touched the computer, and my mom isn't a perverted type of person, so I knew she probably had nothing to do with why the picture was on there. I was waiting for the right time when to tell her, it took me almost 3 months to tell her what I had seen. I broke down crying on day and told her I was sorry I had to tell her this. She also started crying, really bad, I felt like I had done it to her. She kept asking me Why? And I had no idea why, I told her I was trying to figure out why, also. I wish I could have comfronted him when I had seen it, but he was the type of person who could get very angry, easily.


Apparently, not too long after I told her, she said something to him. He told her that I was lying and he had no clue what she was talking about. It was funny how he sold the digital camera on E-Bay a few weeks after my mom had a talk with him. After that, it gets worse. I start to find out other things he had been doing behind his family's back. He had been cheating on my mom for almost 13 years, and she never knew it. From here, we start to here more and more things he had done. I just couldn't believe it. I mean he never really was a 'close' family-type person, but I never in a million years thought he would do this to me, to my mom.


A month later, he told my mom he was sick of us 'accusing' him of things he did not do. So he called my cousin to help him move things out of the house. He took mostly everything, besides the couch and some other things. He took the Clothing Dryer, he took my computer (that I got for Christmas the past year), he also took my computer desk, which had all of my important papers in it, along with pictures that meant so much to me, and a Bible. I never got those things back, to this day, almost 2 years later.


My mom is still taking it very hard, this June 2007, will be 2 years they have been separated, right after he moved out, he sent her divorce papers, and did not pay a single sent of bills they had. I took out over $2,000 in my savings and gave to my mom, along with getting a loan that I will have to pay back over the next 5 years- so that she could pay all of the bills. He doesn't pay anything. And all of the bills they have are in both of their names.

She's not taking the money trouble that bad, I guess what's hurting her the most is how he could do this to her. I know she's really worried and sad for me. His side of the family basically wants nothing to do with my mom, yet alone me, either. I have not seen/talked to my grandparents (his parents) in almost 2 years.


It's so hard not having a father there for you. I was always so jealous of my friend, her and her dad were and are really close, he's always there for her, and really, even when I was really little, I've never had that. I am lucky though, because my Uncle (my mom's brother) is always there for me, he's like a father-figure. He's really nice and helps me out when I have personal problems, and from anywhere to car problems or just anything. He's great.


I'm learning to deal with losing my dad, and his side of the family. I mean it hurts so much, and I cry a lot, thinking "do they really want nothing to do with me?" But I know I'll be okay, if that's their choice. I do miss them, reguardless of whether they miss me too, or not. I miss my little cousins, I really miss my pap, too.


With that, brings me to my mom's side of the family. We all used to be so loving and close with each other, but over the years, it has changed. My mom has 3 brothers and 1 sister. My Uncle S died a few years ago, from a heart attack, and my grandmother is still suffering from his loss. We all miss him so much, he really had a big heart. He was an alcoholic at one point in his life, but when he got thru that, the real person in him had shown, and I could see such a caring and sensitive man.


My Uncle M, the one I'm really close with, used to be very close with my mom. They did everything together, called each other 3 or more times a day. They were really inseperable. Something happened, and truthfully, I can honestly say my Uncle did nothing wrong. My mom stopped talking to him, it'll be a year in January, and it's really just one big misunderstanding. I tried talking to my mom about it, but she's the type of person who doesn't want to hear what I have to say, and just walks away. She also has only talked to my gram (her mom) only a handful of times this year. Which also makes my gram really upset, she cries a lot. I wish there was something I could do to take away her pain. But I can't make my mom do anything.


My Aunt, is really, I'm sad to say this, but a miserable person. If nothing goes right for her, she makes sure everyone else suffers with her. Her son (my cousin) and his wife and their 2 kids, one minute they will talk, and the next they'll be mad at each other for some stupid reason. This also causes tension for my gram, because since my aunt and her son and his family don't talk, they all complain to her.


Not a lot of people in my life, including my family, have no idea how this is affecting me. Really, it's making me fall apart. No one is close as they used to be. I know things change, but I didn't think things changed so harshly.


As for me, at the moment, I'm living with my boyfriend and his parents/brothers. They were kind enough to let me stay here.


When my dad left, my mom really took it hard, she would yell at me a lot, at times. After almost a year and a half though, I think she's getting stronger. I just wish she would realize what family she has left, and cherish them.


This may sound really stupid and impossible, but honestly, I don't want anything for this Christmas, but for the family that I have left, to get along, and start talking to each other again. To forgive and forget what has happened in the past, and learn to love one another. I have always thought of family as a precious thing. But everything that is going on is really hurting me, and it hurts real bad, that they don't know this.


I'm so afraid though, to tell them how I feel, because I know they won't listen to me, and I can't changed someone on their thoughts and how they feel, I don't want to change anybody. I know it's up to them if they want to make things right with their family.


With the passing of my Uncle S, I've learned how fragile and short life may be. I don't want something else bad to happen, to bring my family together again. I feel like my gram and I are in the middle of everything, and I know it's tearing her a part to, and I don't care about me, it's her I'm very worried about.


I know there's nothing any of you out there can do physically to help me or my family out. But please, if you would comment on my story (I'm sorry it was so long) or maybe give me some advice, because at this point any advice would be a blessing to me.


Thank you for taking the time to read this, you don't know how much I really appreciate just that.



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Yikes. First, as far as your father, I hope some day you have some type of reconciliation with him, not that your mother ever will. But I also doubt he will ever improve his character, so how it will happen, I don't know. I don't know how a man could do things like take something he gave to you as a present. I hope he becomes a better man.


As far as his parents, it seems stupid to me that they would not want to speak to you either, but I had a grandfather who did not see me for years. He ignored my sister one day (She said "Hello Pa" which is what he was called by his grandkids and only his grandkids) as she was passing his house. For both the prior and the following years for years or so, we had no contact. And very little until he had a stroke and subsequently died. We saw him in the hospital, as did my one cousin, and together the three of us decided he was plain old dumb for not wanting us to be around him because we were fun people.


As far as bringing your mother around for the rest of the family, I don't know how to tell you to do that, but I would have you continue seeing them, and talking about them with her from time to time. Let her know you saw them, let her know how they are, that they aasked about her, etc. Don't you give them up. She may not be ready to embrace them, but you hold on tight.


Hang in there. And welcome to enotalone.

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