Just a little bit of R-E-S-P-E-C-T

[Baby Carrot]

According to Wikipedia, "respect" is:

 

 

 

What to do when you feel disrespected? Do you argue, do you just ignore it and feel terrible and hurt? Is the right attitude to fire back in order to win back your pride? Do you warn the other person or simply send him/her to hell for good and walk away?

 

What do you consider an unforgivable offense?

 

How do you react to name calling and nasty words?

[Beec]

It depends on the situation.

 

If it were a partner in a relaitonship, yes, I would argue. You need to demand respect from them, and every partner is going to test you to see if you will demand respect.

[Baby Carrot]

Every partner is going to test you to see if you will demand respect.

 

Like, anyone in the world u choose to be parters with, is gonna say nasty things to you, just to see if you respect yourself enough like for demanding a better treatment?

 

Disrespect is sometimes way more spontaneous than that.

 

I wonder when do you guys get over it and forgive, and when do you just walk away.

[Beec]

Like, anyone in the world u choose to be parters with, is gonna say nasty things to you, just to see if you respect yourself enough like for demanding a better treatment?

 

Disrespect is sometimes way more spontaneous than that.

 

I wonder when do you guys get over it and forgive, and when do you just walk away.

 

I think that depends on much, the situation, individuals, etc., etc.

 

Some people tolerate cheaters for years, others kick out cheaters withone offense.

[Baby Carrot]

Oh kay, so what about you Beec?

 

What are your personal limits towards respect and lack of it?

 

To what point are you tolerant, and at what point do you just walk away?

[rose2summer]

Well, I think we each have our predefined notions of respect.

 

If I feel I have been disrespected, I will state my point and won't tolerate it.

 

If for example, someone tells me shutup, I feel that is disrespect and I will tell them that I don't appreciate their behavior and if it happens again, they will never hear from me.

[Baby Carrot]

Thanks for the upfront answer Rose!

 

BTW, cute avatar

[Beec]

Well, the last two times I just walked out on women, one was just lying to me and the other yelled.

 

The lying concerned a sexual encounter, and I do not know if she knew she was lying or really believed what she said, but it really did not matter. As soon as I had confirmed that there was nothing but a lie, I walked out and told her, litterally, "to have a nice life." The encounter involved us being romantic, and she was quite happy about it, then me performing orally. She changed the story to me trying to have my way, literaly sounding as if she was alleging that I forced myself on her. Whoever was right or wrong, and I assure you, I was, it simply could not continue.

 

The yeller would raise her voice sitting in a restaurant at dinner when talking about something on which we agreed. But when she got excited, her voice went up, and she told me "If that's how I want to express myself, that's how I am going to express myself." After a while, it was too frequent and too much for me to take. After much complaint, I ended it.

[Batya33]

The older I get the more I believe in choosing my "battles" carefully and prioritizing being close over being right. I also just read a great article in Oprah mag about not being the "manners police." It hit home a bit and I agree with that, too!

 

When I feel disrespected I communicate it appropriately if it is worth doing so. Often it is not and often, if you wait 24 hours to respond to an email or phone call that you found disrespectful you will see either that you are ok with it after all or your response will be much more appropriate than when done out of anger or frustration.

[Lady Bugg]

Very good advice Batya....I agree...especially with the last part.

Many times I have written an email in anger.......and unsent it later

because it was WAY over the top for what was the appropriate reaction.

 

For me....the disrespect I receive determines my reaction.

Lying to me......is a dealbreaker. I can handle the truth regardless

how bad it is....but if you lie to me..I can never trust you again. I am

sometimes TOO honest for my own good....butat least I have a clear

conscience.

 

A close second is probably cheating..and stealing...both of which are also

forms of lying.....so of course I usually walk away from that too....but not

before I explain how disrespectful it is to me.

[Baby Carrot]

Hey, Lady Bug. Thanks for your response.

 

What about name calling, the "you bleepin son of a bleep, drrty ho" kind of thing, with a nice apology afterwards?

 

Like... which one is it, sticks and stones will break my bones but your words will never hurt? Or they do hurt as well?

 

Mmmmffff...

 

Also, I was wondering if it's like, more offensive when name calling comes from a man to a woman than from a guy to another one for example. I know, kind of sexist. But somehow it does seem more rude to see a man yelling crude words at a girl...

 

Dunno, kind of lost here.

[Scout]

Well, the last two times I just walked out on women, one was just lying to me and the other yelled.

 

I have been dumped by someone after I yelled at him. At the time I thought that was unreasonable. Now I know that under no circumstances should you ever yell at your partner. If you are with someone who is making you want to yell on a regular basis, either leave the relationship or figure out what's wrong and try to work on it. If your work doesn't succeed, then again, leave.

 

Life is too short to be in relationships that are chiefly marked by emotional volatility. And that's not a sign of love either, by the way. It's a sign of emotional immaturity.

 

Long story short, I don't blame my ex for thinking - and acting on - "The hell with that!" after I yelled.

[Beec]

I don't blame my ex for thinking - and acting on - "The hell with that!" after I yelled.

 

I took me a while to get to that and decide that I was not going to be a verbal punching bag. I think a big factor was not just that it was done, it was that there was no desire or intent to change. She knew it was killing the relationship, and she had no desire to work on fixing it. If some work went into fixing it, I would have probably stuck around for a longer period of time.

[Scout]

I think a big factor was not just that it was done, it was that there was no desire or intent to change. She knew it was killing the relationship, and she had no desire to work on fixing it. If some work went into fixing it, I would have probably stuck around for a longer period of time.

 

Well, that's a generous attitude! And people, you know you've got a good catch when they are willing to give you a second chance. Don't take advantage of that by expecting endless chances, though. Not everyone is willing to give even a second chance.

 

I would hazard to guess that many of the break ups we see on eNotalone resulted from disrespect on BOTH sides...not just the "callous" ex who "drove" us here.

[tryingtoheal]

According to Wikipedia, "respect" is:

 

 

 

What to do when you feel disrespected? Do you argue, do you just ignore it and feel terrible and hurt? Is the right attitude to fire back in order to win back your pride? Do you warn the other person or simply send him/her to hell for good and walk away?

 

What do you consider an unforgivable offense?

 

How do you react to name calling and nasty words?

 

 

 

If it's someone I barely know I just give them the brush off. Hanging around people like that is counterproductive and a waste of time.

[sweetheart21]

My ex boyfriend used to tease me and mess around which was ok (I would tease him too) but it got to a point where he would just flat out say your stupid. The first time he said it I just ignored it and walked off but the second time he said it I remember I said something like 'listen, it is not ok to talk to me like that' I said it really calmly but in a firm voice. And he never spoke to me like that again.

[caro33]

I have to admit that a perceived disrespect for me (that is, I perceive they are actively disrespecting me) drives me NUTS. Probably more than anything else. I generally can't accommodate it in my head at the time, so I am quiet, and make myself absent if I can. If I have an argument to make about something (like at work) I'll make it, but my adrenalin will be pumping and I'll be stressed and I won't know exactly why. Later on I'll replay the whole thing in my head so that I can work out how I feel and why. I then come up with all the cutting one-liners that would have knocked them dead - pity that's generally 3am when I should be asleep...

 

If I am near email at that stage it's dangerous - I have sent what to me at the time were carefully worded missives of outrage but on later reflection just looked intense and a bit weird. Mostly the people who have disrespected me didn't value what I thought anyway, so me wasting the time to explain things and show that I wouldn't accept it were just off the mark.

 

Name calling? I don't know. I actually haven't been called names, not in my adult memory. Not sure how I would respond. Depends if the name struck a chord with my insecurities or not, depends if the name was justified on some level.

 

Babycarrot do you have a specific example you want to test here?

[Baby Carrot]

Babycarrot do you have a specific example you want to test here?

 

Hey Caro,

 

Thanks for your reply. I also become absent when I feel like that and replay the whole thing in my head.

 

I'm just not sure what's the best policy in all cases. Like, you better decide is a waste of time and let it pass or you invent a complete drama to make sure you'll never be disrespected like that again... Which one is better?

 

Saddly, I have been "victim" of name calling, several times. Received apologies later, accepted them. But I now wonder, were that apologies enough? Was that kind of behavior enough to send them to hell? Was I a chickenBLEEP for give them another chance?

 

Name calling stings for sure. Guess I'm the only one that can and should answer the questions above, but I'm kind of confused and a little lost about it.

 

If months passed since that incidents and now everything is nice and dandy, wouldn't it be lame if I just called this people and tell them..."OK u know what, remember when you told me all those nasty things, well, I've decided I can't forgive you, sorry, see you in hell" ?

 

Cuz it still kind of bugs me, that they get to call me all this BLEEP and I just let it pass after a couple of apologies... Does that mean I simply don't respect or love myself enough?

 

Yikes!

[drum4god]

There are certain things that I never tolerate. Cheating - your out. No, if and's and buts. I have been cheated on once with a woman I loved, and when I found out i dumped her. She begged, pleaded, wrote letters. I was so turned off I couldn't go back.

 

Lying to a certain extent. Lets be real. We all lie a little. As long as it isn't major, or she is hiding something I won't make a big deal about it.

 

Name calling. If its done in good fun, I don't mind it. Heck, I make fun out of myself all the time. But the word stupid is a no-no.

 

 

Sometimes I struggle with the difference between disapointment and disrespect. Perhaps I can get your feedback (sorry if I am highjacking the thread).

 

I sent some nice pictures of my girl and I via e-mail. Now she doesn't read her e-mail all the time, but a few days later she was speaking to me on the phone telling me she was going through all her e-mails. I asked her if she received my e-mail, she said she did and will open it after she finishing reading and even replying to all her e-mails. I told her that's fine. Just tell me what you think. Well it has been over a week, and she didn't mention it at all. No e-mail, nothing. It really bothered me, but would you consider that disrespect?

 

I am not quite sure.

[caro33]

Well I wouldn't be so hard on myself if I was you! Some of us need processing time, it sounds like you might be one of those. Like I said, I try to accommodate what I have heard, and it then takes a little while for how I really feel to settle in, after I have taken everything into account.

 

I can imagine that if someone's been really nasty to you and then come up with a bunch of apparently heartfelt apologies, you had some real 'material' to get your head around, to have different parts of you have a little discussion, like:

 

"that comment really sucked, I cannot believe they said that"

"is it true? Am I like that? What have I done to bring this about?"

"if that person could say that about me, perhaps everyone thinks it"

"how outrageous, I am never speaking to them again"

"oh look, they're sorry, perhaps they had a brain fart when they said what they said. I would like to forgive them so there are no negative feelings"

"I don't think you can unring that bell, it's out there and our relationship has changed"

"are they apologising because they want to get back in my good books for some other reason?"

"do they still quietly think this about me?"

"it doesn't matter what they thought, it was unforgiveable bad manners and hugely disrespectful for them to say it like they did"

"maybe I'll feel better about this in a while, I shouldn't act now"

 

Well, that's an example the stuff I would think. It takes time for all the viewpoints to have their say, and for some to cancel each other out. Maybe after a while you just get left with "it doesn't matter what they thought, it was unforgiveable bad manners and hugely disrespectful for them to say it like they did".

 

I think that you should do what feels right to you in that residual way, that is, once all the emotion has been leached out over time. Trust yourself and your own thought processes.

 

Perhaps you just cut off ties, that's what I would do. I actually had a friend at work go nasty and psycho on me a few months ago, and for me that was it. However I have been winding back over time, so there's little chance of another psycho episode because I am 'ignoring her'. Yes, I got the apologies, but after all of that I still feel trepidation when I am around her, and I avoid her if I can. That's the sign to call it a day!