need some answers/suggestions for learning from past relationship

[revitalized]

hey guys, my relationship ended about 3 months ago and I was kinda similar to "massari" in these forums in the way that I really kept my focus on making my woman happy and payed little attention to my own needs. anyways, I was wondering if you think it is wrong for your gf to be mad if you talk to ANY girl..I stopped talking to all girls when I was with my ex and when guys would flirt with her she would never listen to me.

 

it was weird. also, at the end of our relationship she was being flirty with this "friend" while we were still together and basically she got pissed at me because I ended up going to a club (understandable) BUT I was taken there by my cousin and I basically had no say.

 

he kind of just drove there and when any girl approached me I turned around and they would walk away and I told my gf at the time all of this but she still exploded and put me down as usual so do you guys think I was wrong for the clubbing scenario? I ended up getting into an argument with her "flirty friend" because he ended up trying to make fun of me in saying "I dance with guys" (my friends) instead of dancing with girls but the bonehead didnt realize that I was loyal to my woman and I would never cheat on anyone so I kinda told him off and just blocked him from my list over msn because I didnt want to deal with his bs anymore. so do you guys think I was wrong? I just want an honest answer..

 

my entire relationship story is in these forums but its extremely long so I thought I would make this a bit shorter..well I hope I see some feedback! cheers.

[StrandedinON]

Jealousy sucks.

 

It sucks to be jealous and it sucks to be with a jealous person. I think on some level there's a little "I feel wanted when you get possessive." but like with good wine, it should be in moderation.

 

At the point where "If it's a girl you can't talk to it." comes in.. you've got SERIOUS issues that you, no matter how giving you try to be, will simply not be able to solve. I can't tell you what those issues are, but I can list a few possibilities:

 

1.) She is paranoid about your infidelity because of her own. It's called projecting. If she gets the hots for some guy other than you, she projects the idea that you get the hots for other girls and that's simply not acceptable.

 

2.) She has major self-esteem issues. In order to ensure that she wins the competition for you, she must eliminate all the others. Regardless of their actual position as competition or not. She could have past relationship issues with this, and be bringing them with her. Gotta love people's baggage.

 

3.) She has some MAJOR growing up to do. I'm not sure how much this needs elaborating, but basically as you get older and more independent you really don't bother with being jealous.You MUST be respectful of your partner (Don't make out with your best girl friend in front of her) but cutting them off from the outside world and their friends only causes problems later on. Please feel free to reference my own squished relationship for confirmation of this.

 

Good of you to take some time and reflect back and try to learn something.

[Batya33]

I would not date anyone who had a problem with my having platonic friendships - as I do - several, some very close, with men. And, if there is trust, it doesn't matter whether you are at a club, at the store, in the park - if you trust each other, you trust that there will be temptations and you will resist temptation and stay loyal. Resisting temptation does not require you running away from any woman who approaches you. You can have a friendly conversation and when it is appropriate let her know you are taken. Even in marriage the vows do not require you to avoid women, just to avoid having sex with other women.

 

I also would think about - if you want a serious relationship - evaluating whether your friends are mature enough to behave appropriately in front of your girlfriend. Everyone gossips or is silly some of the time but think about whether they go overboard and end up harming your relationship.

 

As far as making your girlfriend happy - sure that is important - what makes me happy in my relationship is when my boyfriend is confident and assertive with me - if he were a doormat and kept trying to please me all the time at the expense of his own self esteem or values, etc I would not respect that.

[Beec]

Sounds like she could talk to whoever she wanted in whatever manner she chose, even flirting in front of you. And you could not go out to a club, at all. Sounds like she wanted to control you, and let you know she would not be controlled. She very much sounds like she had no respect for you. If anyone does something that you are not allowed to do, that tells me you are not entitled in their mind, which means you are not worthy of it, and that's all a lack of respect. If you let this happen over time, you let her walk over you. No woman or man really wants someone they do not respect, unless they are abusive.

 

Do not let a woman control you. You need to lead your own life, no matter where you are in a relationship.

[revitalized]

wow thanks a bunch guys this information really helped me out. and yeah thats why I kinda blew up on the dude she was flirting with because he took things too far and interfered with things. Also, our relationship began to "die" when I actually began to stand up for myself. She felt like I broke her laws or something it was ridiculous. the problem with me is that I am really sympathetic and thats why she took control over me for so long. her dad passed away a few years back so everytime we would have a big fight she would bring him up and I would feel like crap and I would cave in and apologize everytime..Like I hate hurting people but I told her that things need to be even between us and I need someone there for me too and then she began distancing herself from me and not telling me about her personal problems. when I was going through the hardest times she just put me down and thats when I knew she wasn't the right one for me..but wow I loved everyones words of wisdom that was awesome lol. I hope to hear some more keep going!