My life, the abyss.

[CynicalGuitarist]

Well, I can't go any lower (no wait, there's the shovel). I'm really thinking about ending it all because I'm a useless piece of crap who can never make a difference in anybody's life. I'm a lethargic, useless, A.D.D to the max, anxiety-ridden, ugly- * * * douche with no talents or aspirations. I'm the most useless human being in the world because I have no money, job, or vital purpose. Hell, I've reached the point where I think I've gone chronically insane. Regardless, I think the world would be a helluva lot better without me.

 

I see all these people my age and younger doing great things for society. They're all leading great, meaningful, productive lives... while I can't even get a goddamn retail job. Because of my A.D.D and anxiety, I perform poorly in school and have trouble sleeping. It won't stop. This has been an ongoing problem for years and it's quite possible that I will remain disconnected from everybody and everything for a very very long time. I'm such an impulsive idiot that I don't even have enough money to pay off my car insurance. Not that driving is helping my social life because many people still hate me anyways.

 

I hate this society. No, seriously, I do. I hate the way things are run. I wish I never was born into this P.O.S existence in the first place anyways. Why does society hate me so much? Why can't I get a job (no surprise there, seeing that they treat 18 year olds that have never been employed as bad as the only male virgin at a party). I'm probably going to be stuck doing fast food for a very long time and it's gonna make me even more absurd and useless than I already am. Why can't I "get over" my super A.D.D ways? Why is it that I've abused whats been given to me and totally lived as a leech for so long? Nevertheless, this world doesn't need me. I'm about as useful as a blowtorch in a housefire. I just want to die. I just want to be with my pops and my friend (who committed himself) again.

 

I'm tired of hearing all this bullcrap "anti-suicide" propaganda. I mean, I really don't want others to kill themselves, but then again I also don't want them to be manic-depressive miserable complainers either. Personally, I think the only reasons they have all those "anti-suicide" adds out there is for practical economic reasons. After spending nearly 2 decades raising you, feeding you, giving you education, and all that jazz, they expect many more years of labour from you in return. If you end it early, the men in the bank have been cheated out of that fat paycheck they expected from you and the many generations they expect from you.

 

I hate my bohemian * * *. I have no ability to create any real art because of my inattentive nature. Because of my low I.Q, I serve no purpose to live other than societal cannon fodder. Because of my weak, frail physique, the military would have no use for me other than "useful idiot". Because of my lack of guitar skill, I can't make money off music. I am generally the most useless thing to ever come outta my mom's womb (yeah, that's right, I'm a C-section baby) and I hate feeling like I'm leeching off of everybody. I hate myself and my life. I just want to press the "reset" button, but I also know I have no ability to do so.

 

I do, however, have the butt-crack of hope that I'll go somewhere. I have a meager few things that make me wake up each morning (or was it afternoon? or late afternoon?) and that's the most selfless thing I have to offer: hope. That's right, for some lame, sympathetic, wussy reason, I still have a slight bit of hope that I'll make something outta myself. I've been turned down by at least 11 companies I've applied for and have been rejected by every single woman, but for some god-forsaken reason, despite all the unfinished things in my life and leeching and other craps, I still, undeservingly, choose to wake up.

 

At the same time, I romanticise jumping off a bridge into the icy cold Sacramento river and let the pnemonia wash over my body into the next form the existential forces (random or otherwise) have chosen for me. I romanticise death and finally feeling relaxed and neutral for once. Ah, doesn't the human race love paradoxes? Go ahead, tell me "you need jesus" tell me "it's not as bad as it seems" tell me "you must be on dope!" tell me "quit yer goddamn whining because everything is your fault", because that'll just make me romanticise more.

 

Thoughts on life.

[dil]

Wow, your writing is amazing, I'd say you'd be full of crap if you denied that. Alot of 18 year olds can't spell to save their own lives.

 

-become a writer! heh. If you hate society so much, write about it. You sound intelligent to make some compelling arguments for change.

[JustYourAverageGirl]

dil does have a point. your writing is pretty much amazing and insightful -in my opinion- if i were you i'd seriously consider writing a novel of some sort

 

you DONT need jesus

 

dope is a natural substance- better then cigs!

 

go ahead and whin. its human nature and it will never stop.

 

not everything is your fault. fate has a plan for you -altho it might seem to take a while to unfold- your only 18-

[musicguy]

you are a young fella and since you are a musician, put all of your anger in your music and guitar playing. I'm a musician too and times when I'm angry I whip out the guitar and play or write a song

[HellFrost666]

You remind me so much of myself at your age. And I am a musician too btw, I play Bass.

[doyathink]

There are three of you right here in this thread who I have read on lately who have very simular stories. The three of you need to ban together and form a support system for each other.

[musicguy]

we all need to be a band together us enotalone musicians

[dil]

There are three of you right here in this thread who I have read on lately who have very simular stories. The three of you need to ban together and form a support system for each other.

 

me, mylastwords, and cynical guitarist happy family.

 

we could even share pills!! lol.

[doyathink]

LOL

you know how the next one feels far better than someone who hasn't experienced this feeling. and your all talented......I hope you can help each other out...Your a good group of ppl!

[dil]

the military would have no use for me other than "useful idiot".

 

ahh, allusions to TOOL songs, you are a worthy human.

 

I've pictured myself flying over a bridge, and I'm sorry to say that it is one of the most beautiful and vivid images I have going. Like, suspended from the world, free in every sense of the word...surreal perhaps, feeling that air wooshing by...