What am i supposed to do? I just dont understand! In need of guidance.

[somuchtogive]

At the beginning of this month, my boyfriend broke up with me, and even till this very day, i still can't seem to accept the fact that we broke up. I loved him so much, and tried so hard in this relationship just to make everything work out. I know it may sound stupid, cuz we've only been together for almost 3 months only, but we've gone through a lot together, and i guess i was really used to having him around. We broke up cuz of a really stupid reason. I just don't get it. I'm so frustrated and i really don't know what to do. Hoping that some of you will give me some advice on this. I really want to move on, but how ? I tried really hard to move on, but i just can't seem to move on cuz whenever i start thinking about him, it seems like im taking a step backward and goes into that 'reminiscing' mode and starts to miss him, wanting him, needing him, and it just starts over and over again. How can i seriously move on?

Here is what happened.

Everything was going so good, until one day(it was a saturday afternoon) where he picked me up from work. The night before he slept over. Anyway so on saturday morning he drove me to work and he went back to my place. I was working for 5 hours. So after work, he came to pick me up and as soon as i got in the car, i could sense that something was wrong. So i kept asking him what was wrong, he said nothing. He kept looking on his side of the window and i just kept holding his hand and asking him. I felt like i was gonna lose him. Then he parked right infront of my Condo and told me to go up first, that he needs to go get sth. But i already knew that once i get out of the car, it's over between us. So i kept asking him what was wrong. He just kept telling me to get out. I started to cry cuz i was so frustrated. I was like "maybe there are misunderstandings. let me explain" and he was like "no there aren't any misunderstandings, it was CLEAR" At that point, i kind of knew why he was so pissed off about.

After a long time of begging him to go up with me, he finally did. We went up like we were strangers, no longer holding hands, no longer close with eachother. How can things change so quickly?

We went up, and i went in my room, realized that my laptop was on and there it was, he left me a message. He apologized in the message how he's moving on from lovers cuz it just wasnt meant to be, and that we have to stop denying the fact that all along, it wasn't mean to work out, we're just wasting our time. He made it sound like it was so easy for him to just break up like that, as if he was some cold hearted person, like he felt absolutely nothing. He said we'll still be friends and we'll still hang out and stuff but seriously, inside of me i knew that those were just words to make me feel better. Cuz after a breakup, many couples don't end up as friends anymore. And it just saddens me that we're not only losing a lover, but a friend as well.

Everything he said about it was not meant to be was seriously just an excuse. The main reason why he wanted to break up with me was because he went on my laptop to check my chat logs. He said it was cuz of "curiosity." okay, i still forgave him that he invaded my privacy. But if he can invade my privacy like that, does that mean he feels so insecure that he wanted to check up on me? Does that mean he doesn't trust me?

He read my chat logs and found 3 people that i talked to that i said the same things to them about him. Becuz whenever i feel frustrated and confused about whether or not my boyfriend cares about me or not becuz of his actions or rather no actions at all, just makes me so sad and mad. So i tend to express my emotions to my friends cuz i know if i talked to my boyfriend about it he would just deny it. So there were times where i was so hurt and told my friends how my boyfriend treated me and they would tell me that i could do so much better, telling me to break up with him. I agreed with them that i do deserve someone better and that i will keep my options opened. But i never had the courage to do it, becuz i knew i loved him so much that no matter how bad he treated me, i was willing to endure it just so i could stay with him.

He didn't even think from my point of view, all he ever thought of was how HE felt and how HE'S the one that's hurt. If i wanted to find someone better, i would have broken up with him long before and whenever he felt like giving up on this relationship, i was still holding onto him telling him that we'll make it through. If i wanted to leave him for someone better, why did i bother doing all that? making so much effort just to make it work, shedding so much tears for him?

I'm just so disappointed that he gave up becuz of what i said in the chat logs. I thought he's supposed to understand how i felt, feel the pain of how much i was hurting if i was able to say those things to my friends. But he never did. Then he started saying how he's only holding me back (becuz i am a university student, he was only a college student, he's 19 and is now already working trying to pay bills in the house and supporting his parents. He had a 1 year program in college and that was it.) He kept saying how he's a failure and why i would still wanna be with him. I told him that when you love someone, you're willing to go through the goods AND bads with them no matter what. But he didn't listen. I know he was trash talking about himself becuz i wouldn't let go.

Then he made up a lie (well, i think its a lie becuz i just wouldnt let go, thats why he kept saying more things to hurt me so that i could let go) saying that his ex wanted him back and how she kissed him and he just let her kiss him for "awhile." and the ex said to him how even tho he has a gf rite now he can have 2 gfs she doesnt mind. but he said no. I really don't know if this was true becuz it really just seems like a lie how he just keeps lying to make me agree to break up with him. But i just couldn't. Cuz thats how much i loved him. And also how much i've tried in this relationship that if i was to let go, why was i holding on all this time?!

I feel so stupid because i could have been dead that night. When i've been told that he wanted to break up with me, i just couldn't accept the words that came out from his mouth. I couldn't accept the fact that 5 hours ago, he told me that he loved me and 5 hours later, seems like everything has changed. I just couldn't accept reality. And becuz of that, i didn't just THINK of doing sth stupid to myself, i actually went and did it. But he stopped me right when i was about to do anything stupid.

I really wanted to give up my life, becuz at that point, i felt like ive lost everything. What is the point of living if i no longer have that person in my life where i've trusted so much and loved so much? I've cared for him so, so, much. But he no longer believes that i loved him. Simply, becuz of the chat logs. Can you believe it? Becuz of the chat logs, we broke up. I thought we had a strong relationship too. But i guess i was wrong.

I started to blame myself after the break up. Was i not good enough? It was all my fault, why didn't i delete my chat logs? But i never knew, becuz i trusted him.

I started to skip classes, and im not the type of person to skip classes, cuz the lectures in university are so important. I just can't believe that becuz of ONE guy, i let him affect me THIS much. But i told myself, i cannot skip anymore, becuz later i will regret it. I can't give up.

2 weeks after our breakup, on a saturday morning, when i woke up to get ready to go to work, i have received a text message on my cellphone. I checked it, and it was from my ex. He told me to make sure that i read my email before i head out. So i went on the computer and checked my email. He told me that he hasnt talked to me for a while but its not becuz he forgot about me or he stopped caring for me, its just that he cant seem to put down what happened and how his family/fds told him during the 3 months we were together were right when he read the chat logs. and that he felt so stupid that all along what he was denying came to be reality. I feel so hurt becuz his family and fds dont even know me but they're judging me so badly. Is it becuz of what he tells them? Now im beginning to wonder, does he say a lot of bad things about me? That prob made them to think the way they think now? Sighs. It's so unfair, cuz they'll never know how i feel.

Anyway back to the email, he told me how hes not emailing me to make me think more of what we had, but he wanted to give me advice. I just recently started to talk to this guy online, and i found out this guy is actually fds with my ex. But i don't think they're close with eachother. So my ex said he doesnt want me to get tricked by anyone. And he doesnt want anything bad to happen to me. Lastly, he said how he knows the guy for more than 3 years and he has never changed. At the bottom of his email, he put a nickname that i used to call him when we were together. I felt like he was giving me mixed messages, i seriously had no clue what he wanted from me.

So after work, i emailed him back (i know, how stupid of me! i shouldn't have), but i seriously couldn't help it. I told him that i havent let go of him, cuz i just can't. If i was to let go, that means that everything his family/fds told him were right. But they're wrong, cuz they dont even know me, how can they judge me like that. And i told him that if he doesnt care for me no more why did he put that nickname at the bottom of the email. I asked him why he did that. He never replied that email.

The next night, i just couldn't help but email him again, cuz seriously, i NEEDED to know what is going on. So i emailed him and asked him if we could talk again cuz not talking to him is seriously killing me inside. And guess what, he emailed me back and said "i dont know" he said that he never listened to his family/fds or else he wouldnt have stayed wif me for those 3 months but its becuz of what I(yes in CAPITALS he typed) said in the chat logs that made him make such decision. So, in the end he blamed me for break up. I was so hurt. I broke down. And he told me how he's so busy with work and helping his friend out in school. He's like "you still dont understand do you? All along you think its others that influenced me, but it wasnt" Gosh obviously i know it wasnt them, but it was when he read the chat logs that made him realize that THEY WERE RIGHT. That was what i was trying to say to him, but he just doesnt understand. And he told me that hes not ready to talk to me cuz he still has a lot going thru his mind.

So i started to question myself, then WHY did he friggen email me?! WHY?! .

So ever since then, i deleted and blocked him off my msn list, becuz i felt like there was absolutely no point in having him on my list cuz i KNOW for a fact that i'll keep reading his nicknames and he would purposely put on happy nicknames to tell ME how happy he is with his life. At times he'd have his status on 'on the phone' which he NEVER had those before when we were together, even before we were together, so i know he purposely had it on to tell me that i've been replaced. It seriously hurts so much.

I really dont know whats going on anymore.

After breakup, i got a new xanga and once i put on my nickname that im updating my xanga, i think he read it and went to find my xanga. Cuz i have this code on my xanga to track who goes to my page and i get the ID addresses. And there's this same anonymous person that keeps going on my page every day every 1-2 hours until Nov 22. Then that person stopped. And i wondered why they stopped. Then a few days ago i guess i still wanted to know what was going on with my ex, so i went on his friendster page, and there was a female friend that gave him a testimonial on Nov 22 saying that he better not be doing what she thinks hes doing or else she'll beat the living crap outta him. It could be that he told her about how he keeps visiting my xanga and she wanted him to stop right? And ever since nov 22, he stopped visiting. That could be a possibility. But then again, why does it matter now? Sigh. i don't know why i still care! But after 3 days, this person started visting my xanga once a day or once every 2 days now. If it really was my ex, i guess he's still curious about whats going on with my life right? But my xanga is all about him. sigh. so how could he not understand how much i feel? and how much i love him? He is so stupid.

I'm really sorry for this long post, thank you to those whose taking the time to read this and giving me feebacks. cuz i seriously don't know what to do?

What can i do to move on?

I've tried to spend time with friends, but seriously, even when im having fun i think of him, wondering what he's doing. And at night, i feel so alone and empty. Cuz he is no longer here to hug me to sleep.

I seriously miss him so much but i know i cant go on like this forever. Cuz maybe he really is living happily without me, why should i be the one to suffer?

Please help !

Lots of feedbacks will be welcomed!

 

From,

somuchtogive.

[Cloud802]

Hey, first of all, yes I read your entire post, and I'm sure there have been repliers to it already, but my suggestion would be cut him from your life completely, take him off of everyting, don't even talk to his friends if you're not that close to them.

 

If you've done all that then you have finished the first step, try seeing a counseler and keep living your life, I know it's hard but you'll pull through.

[xLDx]

Hello somuchtogive,

 

That is quite the tale you have, and it pains me to hear about the state you are in right now.

 

First of all, have you been in many relationships? I'm not meaning to demean your relationship with your ex by saying this, but you're taking this break-up quite badly, especially after a mere few months.

 

Now, normally, the first break-up that actually involves someone you really care about is one of the most painful you'll experience in your younger years (I'm not even going to compare it to divorces mind you). Why is this? It's because people have no idea what to expect, and they can't even picture a life without this other person because they can't even remember what it was like to be without them.

 

The fact that you claim you love this boy tells me one big thing: You've attached yourself to him perhaps too much, too early.

 

Many people don't allow themselves to accept feelings of love too early into relationships. Why? Because relationships are kind of like a job in fast food: There have high quit ratios. In many relationships it doesn't take long to figure out that it just won't work. It's actually very important to build a very comfortable relationship with each other before expressing feelings like that. When you tell a person that you love them, and they return those words, it makes it even harder to let that person go because apparently they led you on to believe that they feel the same way that you do.

 

What you need to come to grips with now though, is that it's over. These mixed feeling you say you're getting from him probably aren't mixed feelings at all. A broken heart tends to overanalyze situations, and formulates narrow-minded assumptions.

 

You broke into pieces at his feet, and when that happens, it DOES have an effect on the other person, but not the effect that you want. What it does, is that it guilts the other person to give you attention. Attention that you may ultimately think is him trying to get back with you. You need to detach yourself from him now. Stop trying to trace visitors to your xanga to find out if it's him. Stop all contact with him. If he writes you, don't respond. This is a concept very common to us ENA'ers, and it's called "re-opening old wounds". You will NEVER get over this boy if you continue to pine and wish and dream for his presense.

 

I suggest you look at this brilliant post about "No Contact" here:

 

For your own mental health you need to let this go. To be honest with you, there are several things I picked up in your post that didn't reflect a healthy relationship.

 

You went on about breaking up over him reading chat logs... This isn't as trivial as you think.

 

Firstly, if you two truly cared about each other, you'd be able to resolve you problems with EACH OTHER. Forget outside sources. This is your personal business. If you can't resolve your issues to each others faces, and you just have to "wait until you both are ready," what's going to happen when you face the challenges that come even further down in the relationship? Remember, you were only dating for 3 months. You would have learned a lot about each other in the months to come. Very personal things, that could very well upset the other person to varying degrees of severity. A healthy, loving relationgship boasts the ability to resolve issues as soon as they come up, without the intervention of any external influences.

 

Lastly, who does this guy think he is? I'm sorry, but reading your chat logs is really sketchy. He obviously didn't trust you, and look how much you've given him credit for. This relationship was lopsided in the committment department, and even though you put a lot into this relationship, face the facts: He didn't. Your friends probably told you to break up with him for a reason. Also, since you agreed with them, you also identified these issues with him as being severe enough to consider ending the relationship. Personally, I think you were just too afraid to let this guy go. I'm not sure why, either. Is it self-esteem issues? Trust me, there will be another one out there for you. You might think he's amazing, but he's lacking some very important traits that are vital to a healthy relationship. I guess he's not so amazing after all.

 

You need to be strong here. Not for your friends, not for your family, and not even for us here on ENA. You have to be strong for yourself. You let yourself crumble over this, and now you need to rebuild yourself stronger than ever. Let this guy go. Don't talk to his friends. Don't do anything that even let's this guy know you still exist. It's going to suck. There will be many times when you just want to say screw it and run back to his doorstep. Don't. Admit the fact that this HAS to be done. You have to get over this guy. If you don't, imagine where you'll be. He'll be with another girl, and you'll be waiting for leftovers.

 

Try some of the steps from the No Contact guide for starters. This will be a long and arduous process, and I'm not being very firm to intimidate you or bring you down further. I'm being firm because you just need to find the strength in yourself again, and that can't be done with pity and advice about what-ifs.

 

I know what it's like to be dumped by a person you love, and I know what it takes to make the hurt go away.

 

I wish you luck... And um... Sorry about the long post =)

[somuchtogive]

Thank you so much for your reply Cloud + xLDx!

to xLDx: i guess it is partly the self-esteem issue. yes, i admit i am VERY afraid that i won't find someone as good as my ex. i'm just so afraid that becuz we're letting go of something this lil, i will regret it later on and always feel remorse that maybe, just maybe, i havent tried hard enough? he's been doing a lot of things to hurt me more and to make me realize that its over. of course i KNOW its over, but why does a person just keep doing it, going SO far to hurt someone else ?! i just dont get it. if you love someone, why would you want to hurt them? Anyway, he mentioned about how he really cares about how others think of him, u know having super egos, i guess becuz of that, he just cant accept the fact that my friends think so bad of him? But its like same thing is happening to his fds/family, but i dont care, becuz it shouldnt involve other people. you're right, how its only between us, but it seems like everyone around us rejects the idea that we're together? and hes letting it influence him a lot? And i know hes gonna stick to his decision, and i know his fds are making him feel like he has made the right decision, but i just cant help wondering if he'll ever come back. i know i shouldnt think about the what ifs, but sometimes i just couldnt help it. And in reply to your question, no this is not my first relationship. I've had my first love 2 years ago, and since that break up, i've been having a few relationships but it just wasnt as serious and i didnt fall so deeply like i did for this one. I really dont know why. I guess it was cuz my other exs didnt treat me that good, and when someone treats me so good i start to fall so easily thinking that i need to cherish them and that i cant let them go. That was my biggest mistake. To not have gotten to known him better and falling so easily, having him control my emotions. But i guess this was my biggest heartbreak ever since 2 years ago. Thank you so much for your advices! And the LONG reply, i really appreciate you taking the time to read my long post, and replying it long as well! I will definitely keep in mind of your advices!

Once again, thank you.

P.S - i won't give up so easily =)

i know oneday, i will find someone who'll have unconditional love for me and appreciates me for who i am and NOT doubting me.

[Cloud802]

I'd just like to say welcome to enotalone, and if you ever need anymore help, feel free to make another post or PM any of us. Open up your PM and email, I can assure you that the people here are not going to spam your PM inbox. ^_^

 

I know the hurt you're going through, I've been through it before, as have a lot of people here, best of luck, and stick around.

[xLDx]

Hey somuchtogive,

 

Thanks for your praise, it's always uplifting for me to know I've made a difference. Now, about your response. You can't blame yourself for not doing enough in the relationship. You did as much as you could possibly have done. The fact in the matter is that HE didn't match what you put in, and ultimately I think that's why it's been so hard.

 

You know, if this boy truly loved you, he wouldn't let his friends, or your friends, or ANYONE's opinion for that matter convince him otherwise. If it's because this boy has a "superego," and even love can't make him give you respect, then I'd tell any girl that tries to be with him to run for the hills. Honestly, and I don't mean to hurt you by saying this, his feelings just weren't up to par with yours. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't honestly love you as much as you think he did, if not at all. Remember when you wondered how he could do this if he loved you? The puzzle pieces are laid out right in front of you, and it's not hard to put it together.

 

I'm worried for you. I'm worried that in the future you will continue to settle with any guy who will be kind to you, and then overattach yourself to them.

 

It's not being picky to find a guy with qualities that you dream of, because honestly hun, you're aiming a lot lower than the bar you've proven yourself to be at.

 

The right guy will fall into your lap when the time comes, so there's no need to delay the process by being desperate. Right now I just want you to focus on yourself though. Continue to be busy, and although you'll feel the loneliness still, it will begin to ebb in time if you are able to keep out of contact with him.

 

This guy... Just isn't worth it, so stop dwelling on the reasons that you broke up and the far-fetched possiblities that your mind is conjuring. It's tough, I know, but even if this guy does want to get back together with you, you need to ask yourself whether this is what's best for you. Whether this guy really has the qualities you want to embrace for a long, serious, trustful relationship.

 

You can find better. It just depends if whether you have a strong enough will-power to do so.

 

I think you do. You just need to prove it to yourself that you do, and the only way that'll happen is by stepping out onto the long winding road that is the future.

 

I and the rest of the ENA will be walking with you too, and don't forget that.

 

Good luck on the road ahead.

[silentalways]

my ex is stubborn - one of her great qualities at times. but when she makes up her mind, she does so on her own and sticks with it. she have proven it time and time again and i don't think she is easily influenced by her friends because she is a smart woman and never does anything without thinking it all the way thru - so when she told me ITS DONE - it is. just takes me longer to get with the program but I think i have it now. I goofed, she said enuff - end of story. I can dream but its not reality. so, lesson learned - better late than never.

[somuchtogive]

Thank you once again to Cloud + xLDx for your replies again!

It's really great to know that someone actually bothers to reply to me, cuz i know my post is pretty long =( and people prob stop halfway and stop reading it. or even when they read it, they dun bother to reply. that was actually what i was afraid of. so really, thank you so much.

I know it's wrong to blame myself for this relationship, but its cuz i feel like hes blaming ME for it, saying if it wasnt for what I said in the chat logs, we wouldnt have broken up. But you're right xLDx, he didnt respect me, didnt trust me, if he truly loved me, he wouldnt be influenced by his fds or even what my fds said or even what i said, cuz if he knows hes not good enough, wouldnt he want to try even harder to make me happy? thats IF he really did love me. So i guess, i thought of him as someone so great, but hes not so great after all. Even my friends said, how great of a guy IS he if he can just walk out on someone like that, just knowing that they mite do sth stupid to themslves but still got the heart to walk out like that. And everytime my fds talk bad of him (after the breakup) i always defended for him. Cuz to me, i thought he was such a great guy who took good care of me and was there for me. But then again, if i wanted someone like that, there are tons in this world. It's so easy to replace my ex with another guy cuz most guys can take care of a girl that they love and be there for them, right? I guess i was just in denial at the fact that i just couldnt accept he would walk out on me over something like this. he gave up so easily, and all the efforts ive put into this relationship all came to an end. people say it wasnt worth it, but to me, it was worth it, cuz i cherish all the memories we've had wif eachother. So yes, it is one imp lesson learned. I'm way too much of a gullible person. I trust too easily, and i let people break me way too easily. But i've learned from this break up, people change, time changes everything, and one day, the person you trust the most will eventually backstab you. After this experience, it really opened my eyes and gave me a diff sense of way to look at people. Cuz i know for a fact, that most people talk to you becuz there are intentions behind it.

Anyway, thanks once again. i really appreciate all your support!

And by the way, to Cloud, what is PM inbox?! I am new so please tell me !!

much love,

somuchtogive

[somuchtogive]

Oh actually, i got it, PM = private message am i right?

I hope there are chat sessions that i could have with you guys if anything!

Or i will definitely PM you guys when needed!

Thank you so much!

[Cloud802]

Feel free, I'm open 24/7(Not really, but still) and I could always use new friends around my age.