He sees more of his friends than of me. Is this normal??

[honeybee]

Hi,

I would just like to know from guys and girls their oppinion on my situation.

Basically it's very difficult for my bf of 5 years and I to see each other. We both live at home with our parents. I however am not welcome at his house cause his parents dont like me and my bf is too scared to come to mine cause he is worried my parents will be mad at him due to his parents treating me badly. thereforeeee we only see each other once a week, usuall at friends parties. What annoys me is that he will see his guy friends every day of the week, sometimes twice a day. I feel as though he should be spending equal time with me, especially after 5 years. We have a fabulous relationship but this issue is starting to upset me and all he can say when i tell him we need to spend more time together is "its hard". I might also add that if there are no 21sts on then we'll catch up for an hour or two but usually no longer than 2 hours and then thats it till next week. He is on uni holidays for 3 months and i have holidays for 6 weeks but even with so much spare time nothings changing. What should I do. Talking just upsets him because he feels pressured to chose between me and his parents (I dont want him to do this but we both know they will never accept me)

[Dako]

I'm puzzled that he won't go to your house because he's afraid your folks are angry about his parents. That's a very convoluted excuse, and I wonder why he can't level with you.

 

For an hour a week you have a fantastic relationship?

Maybe that's all he wants.

[honeybee]

he's told me he wants to see much more of me hes just doesn't want to confront his parents. There is much more to this story. Due to them verbally abusing me just over 12 months ago and my mum getting involved my bf and I started fighting. We broke up for a week or so but then decided we were being stupid cause we have so much fun when we are together and we thought it was stupid letting them get in the way. We decided not to tell his parents we were back together cause we knew as soon as they found out, they would be at him to break up with me again and neither of us wanted their bull. They are still under the impression that we are not together and I am in two minds as to whether i want my bf to tell them or not. We have spoken about a future together and hes told me that he sees his immediate as me and not his parents. We talk every day and he is very supportive and understanding when i crack it about his parents and our stupid situation but I don't want to seem unreasonable about being upset about spending more time together.

[RayKay]

How old are you two?

 

Well first off, why are his parents in such opposition to you being together?

 

Hmm, honey, when you say you have a "fantastic relationship" do you REALLY believe it, or are you trying to convince yourself?

 

I don't know about you, but for me, there is nothing fantastic about seeing someone you have been with for five years for a couple hours a week when they obviously live close by, whom is not going to stand up for you and the relationship.

 

If he has not stood up to his parents after FIVE years, do you really think things are EVER going to change? I understand they complicated things a year ago or whatever, but when are things going to change? How is he ever going to change it if he is fearful? What about getting married in the future if he can't even tell his parents he is with you and will remain with you?

 

Even if he does not want to tell them, I don't understand why he can't see you more than a couple hours a week unless he is hiding something, or quite happy with that arrangement.

 

It really is not about him spending time with his friends, but about whether he really is ever going to change the way things are right now.

[honeybee]

We are both 21. Basically the issue comes down to my family not being good enough. We only have the house we live in and 2 old second hand cars and not 3 or 4 other holiday houses plus 4 brand new very expensive european cars. I know that they look at me as not being rich enough as I have been told so by some of their family friends (who are also our family friends). Apparently she tells people that I am only with their son because he is the son of a rich doctor. If that was the case I would have left a long time ago. When his parents go away we see each other as often as we can and ill stay at his house etc. Its when they get back. They are manipulative horrible people. When ever my bf brings me up the fight is soooo bad that he has to leave. He has slept in the park before because he didnt want to upset me so I could pick him up. If he tells them he is seeing me they call him frequently till he has to turn off his phone or they will come looking for him to take him home. They really are a nightmare. Basically he cant win. He has to lie to them so that we can have peace when we do see each other. I know that he will have to move out when he tells them about us but neither of us are ready to move out yet due to other work commitments. We have spoken about maybe moving in together july next year but until then...

I agree its hard for him to see me more because I know his parents call his friends and their parents to check if he is with them. Im not making excuses because I know what he has to put up with. I havent seen his parents since the night they abused me simply cause im too scared. Neither of us know what to do about his parents.

[lost1607307474]

I think you really need to tell him how you feel, and talk to him about it. It seems as though the root of all your problems are issues with your parents, and you need to sort that out. If you feel that his family doesn't think your family is good enough, you really need to address them (especially if you're planning on being with this guy for a long time!)

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

Both of you need to stick up together to solve the problem one way or another.

 

Frankly, my ex bf broke up with me is also because of his parents disapproval. In your case, their disapproval due to financial standing reason. For my case, it is due to race.

 

During our relationship, the time that we see each other has the exactly situation like you. We see each other once every week. He could see me more when the university is on. During holiday it is hard to see him because he would need to think of a reason to lie to his parents to come out to see me.

 

The reason we could not make it through is because he couldn't handle the threat and pressure from his parent, so he give it up early.

 

Some parents could really bruised their child self-esteem so that their children would obey all their wishes. They treat their children as their asset. By this, my ex bf does not has high confidence in himself, and he is depressed.

 

Your problem has root to his relationship with his parents and his ability to stand up as a person. This is a fight he need to deal with.

 

In my opinion, you really need to build up his confidence as a person with good self-image of himself. Encourage him to achieve things in school.

 

In order for the relationship to last, both of you need to have a solid and constructive plan. Both of you need to gain independent financially wise. He need to move away from his parents house.

 

However, please do not think that by moving out or gaining financial independent, the fight is end. Parents still could influence their children emotionally. If your relationship could last until then, they might disapproval of your engagement or wedding.

 

You will have a long fight, please be prepare for it. Unless, both of you are able to get rich during the process and their parents might approve of the relationship.

 

Good luck to you.

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

This poster faced the same problem. May be both of you could help each other out.