Would Appreciate Any Advice

[Hazelnut20]

It's been over a year since my boyfriend and I broke up. I broke up with him, and broke his heart. I have missed him for months and just recently told him how I feel. I still love him and want to get back together. He told me he does not want to get into any relationship right now, and that he is trying to make healthy decisions in his life, be more responsible, and count on himself and no one else. He needs to do these things for himself before being a good boyfriend.

He said does not want any added drama or stress in his life on top of school and work right now, both are very demanding. He said he does not feel confident in us getting back together right now b/c he feels it would fail again (we've been on and off for 5 years). We have maintained consistent communication since we broke up last Oct. I told him how I felt the weekend before Thanksgiving, and over a period of 3 days we probably talked on the phone for about 10 hours.

When I came home (we live in separate cities) we spent 3 out of 4 nights together (no sex, but kissing, cuddling, talking about how we felt, etc). He is very non-committal to any relationship question, but did say that he was open to us getting back together at some point. I am very unsure about how to feel, how to interpret what he wants, or what to do right now. I want him back, but he isn't making me feel completely confident (he says conflicting things sometimes). Any advice as to what to do/how to act, win him back? Thanks.

[Aschleigh]

it's not what you want to hear but I would suggest dating other people and getting on with your life. Not waiting around for him to make a decision .

He may come around someday, he may not. It's your life.

[barbielovesmac]

Give him time. Spend some serious time apart and see if being together is really what you want. Give him sometime to figure it out. Don't pressure him.

[drum4god]

Why did you break up with him in the first place? Did you cheat on him, were you not in love with him? If you broke his heart, you can't expect him to want to jump back to you. I think he loves you, but fears you will break his heart again. Its hard to comment without the details of what happened, but NC is probably the best option. You told him how you felt, and he told you how he felt. You have to respect his feelings, but at the same time, you have to ask yourself can you handle seeing him without him making a commitment. If you can't. You need to break away. Its hard, but if his love is true he will come back.

 

I don't know. I usually don't recommend this, but perhaps write him a letter stating how you feel, and how you regret breaking his heart. Also explain that if he can't commit you understand, but you won't be able to be around him. Something to that effect. I am thinking about doing that with my current girlfriend (who I got back with after she broke up with me, but she is hot and cold with me and its driving me crazy).

 

I don't know. Just my 2 cents. Keep the change.

[Hazelnut20]

Thanks for all the advice everyone. We did not break up because of cheating, just to clarify. I broke up with him b/c he was not willing to move to the same city I lived in. After 5 years together I felt like we should be in the same city.

I feel like it would be different than before because we are both more mature after spending this time apart. I think that maturity and appreciation of one another would make things different this time. I know after spending this time apart that he is the one I want, and I want to do what it takes to make it work. He had no idea I would ever want to get back together or still loved him until I told him a little over a week ago. I feel like everything he's saying and the way he's acting right now is completely understandable and I couldn't expect anything else. It would be unreasonable to expect him to welcome me back with open arms, when I hurt him so much, and he is finally in a place where is happier. I know we still love each other though, and he did say he could see us getting back together in the future. I feel that if he wasn't in love with my anymore, or truly wanted to move on without me, he would not have spent at much time talking with me and hanging out with me as he did recently. He is spending time with other girls, which is very difficult for me, but he said he is only flirting and having fun, he has not kissed or hooked up with anyone. Thanks for all the advice everyone. Hope that helps clarify a few things.

[TrynToGetBy]

Hazelnut- That sounds like a tough situation which is made harder by the long distance. I would suggest not going no contact because I don't think thats going to get you where you want to be. I think the best thing you can do is give him some space but stay in limited contact. Don't try to get him back, just be the woman he fell in love with and it may make him realize what he's lost. It took you a year to realize you were still in love with him, now that he knows it might take him some time to come around. Out of curiosity in the year you two have been apart have you tried dating other people so you could see what else is out there?