Time 4 Action (Jackson)

[Captain34]

i guess i was looking for reassurance that she still cares about me whether or not she wants to reconcile. i really believe that is true.

 

ive been dating others and i felt best to assume that she is too. it is funny though that she only seems to act like shes been dating around the times that I have contacted her. but then she doesnt say a word about it when i tell her the door to reconciliation is still open for me....she just said she didnt want to draw a line. thats what has me somewhat confused. if she is eeing someone seriously, which doesnt seem to be the case, i would rather her tell me face to face than to find out through the grapevine. think this is an unfair request if we are trying to work on making things better between us?

 

even if she is seeing someone its clear there are still feelings from her side even though she isnt saying she wants to reconcile.

 

was sending out the invitation enough or should i touch base with her? i dont want to push, but at the same time it seems like light contact every other week or so is ok now. i dont know what i should be doing here and need advice.

 

since i asked to meet and how now invited her into my home, is it best that I hang back and let her take the next move?

 

one otehr thing, we were both invited to a party on Thursday, which she brought up out of the blue when I met with her.

 

last week was sort of a roller coaster. basically i am unclear as to how to continue to develop the "friendship" and basically move things forward towards whatever this can become.

[FCTex]

You can't move forward until you set a goal.

 

Do you want just friends? Do you want just relationship?

 

Do you just want to know things are okay, but that you guys won't ever hang out, but merely be okay enough to pass each other and smile, or share a few words.

 

What do you want?

 

It sounds like your becoming a p*ssy to be honest. Like your grabbing to any inkling of her that you can. If you can't be a couple, you atleast wanna be able to gawk at her from a short distance.

 

Your over analytical about all this. Why the hell should YOU have to make this work? Tell me why she can't do part of this if it's meant to work out?

 

Sounds like your planning your own pity party, and she's just invited to watch dude.

[keefy1972]

Wow FCTex is dead on balls accurate here. Captain I agree with him. You need to put both of the boys on the block.

 

I've gone over some of your posts and it's like every other one you say, "Wow, now I know what I need to do" like some light bulb just came on over your head. Dude you have to stop trying to out think the situation. Your stuck in a rut trying to "figure it out" while she is out there living her life. Get your head out of your butt and get back in the game.

[FCTex]

Captain,

 

 

Your situation plagues me like a fart that won't leave the room.. Everytime I log on here, I go to your thread and I scroll down, close my eyes, and just hope to read:

 

"I did it guys.. She made an effort to work things out and we're starting from scratch."

 

OR

 

"Well, I woke up this morning and realized I'm missed some of the most fun, the most fullfilling moments of my life. The time to pass or be sacked is here, and I'm tired of being sacked by this girl. I'm done."

 

But instead, we get these Goldberg crazy ideas, with twists and turns, and what if's and even some psychic readings by you..

 

You don't know what she's thinking... You don't.. Her body language you can't read. You've seen her ONCE in a setting where it was you and her, and business being talked about.

 

You pulled out your gun, took aim to make a move, and guess what?

 

You shot out a silly pink flag that said, "Walk on me".

 

Has she called you since ya'll met up? Has she confirmed or contacted you regarding any number of these parties?

 

Hell, I even BET you, to not contact her for the Holidays and even see if SHE makes the first attempt to wish YOU a happy holiday.. How about that? Do you think she'll call you and wish you a Merry Christmas? Honestly?

 

From her track record, I'm leaning towards no, sadly enough.

 

You keep mentioning that she said she didn't want to "draw a line"..

 

She did draw a line, a line that you took and ran with, and she's got you hooked on.

 

When a girl beats the proverbial dead horse like that, it's not good. She didn't want to say no, and she certainly didn't feel like saying yes to working it out.

 

Why?

 

Because she's obviously ignoring all of this. Hence the lack of phone calls, lack of contact, lack of anything on her part. She said that to let herself off the hook, and to keep you wondering. Women like to be in control, and she is. She didn't want to start a fight, or burst you bubble and make a scene..

 

Don't you think if the situation was flopped and if you felt the same way you imagine her to be, that you'd say yes when given the chance? Flip the situation, and go with what you think she feels like and wants..

 

I don't think your seeing this right yet.. Outside the box, it's obvious, and inside the ring, I know it's a different beast to fight, but you have to know when to take the gloves off, and you have to know when to just toss in the towel man.

[FCTex]

So what happened with this? I never saw anything else Captain... Wishin' the best.

[Captain34]

Hey All,

 

I hope the New Year has been treating you well.

 

So going back, I threw that cocktail at my place. My ex didnt show up. She emailed me a couple days before saying she was too busy with exams and to have a Merry Christmas. I responded saying that I hoped she would stop by if she had time for a study break. then I came to find out she had a holiday party at her place the night before I had mine. Several of our mutual friends were there. i admit it, I was really heated about it at the time. But I let it go, and it helped that she traveled 2,000 miles away for break.

 

I came to the conclusion that she is just being immature. I was just at the point where I wanted the cut and dry answer to where things stand. Could we be friends? Did she want to work on developing better ties between us? I thought I had that answer when I sat down with her, but the same BS continued. She will say she wants to make the effort, so I will extend myself, and then she will back out. It was a cycle that wasn't good for me.

 

So I just stopped. Stopped thinking about her, didnt check her facebook profile, nothing. Maybe it was because I had had enough and made a concerted effort, maybe it was just that time. It has helped that I have been seeing someone new for a couple months, this time more serious than the flings I've had since the breakup with my ex. This new girl lives 1.5 hours away and I was upfront with her about how I felt about my situation with my ex. those two factors seem to be working as positives for me currently.

 

So there I am just doing my thing, actually focusing on work and am doing quite well when BANG, she sends me an unsolicited facebook message on New Year's Eve at 11pm (I received it the next day). It read:

 

"Hey, I lost my phone, and thus your number, so I haven't been able to call and wish you a MERRY CHRISTMAS and a HAPPY NEW YEAR. I hope you are enjoying your time with your family. I'll see you back at school. =)"

 

I didn't respond. One point to make clear is I didn't contact her at all on the holidays - didnt plan it that way, just didnt feel that it was necessary. So this message from her, it was dangerous because it pulled me back in....for a moment. First of all, I never asked her to do anything she didn't want to, and I would never want someone to be fake towards me. So thus, if she wanted to call she should have called. If she didnt want to call she didnt need to. But why the hell write this note and make such excuses?? She really bugs me out, I don't see what her motivation for doing so is. To top it off shes "lost her cell phone" before. Not only that, but my cell number is on my facebook profile, which she must have looked at to send me the above message.

 

So thats where I'm at. Been making continued progress, but could use some feedback from you all, especially the usuals to sort all this out.

 

the way I look at it I made such an effort to be kind and gracious towards her through all of this that I am satisfied that I have done enough. If she wants to work on things she can pick up the phone and give me a call. Otherwise, she isnt worth my time.

 

Any thoughts?

[FCTex]

I think you did a great job of realizing what she was giving you man..

 

I'd continue with the new girl, continue with work and your life as normal..

 

Like you said, no contact was good, and the fact you 'tossed it all in' was enough to walk away..

 

She's fishing for a response from you, and as long as you don't give it to her, she'll slowly get the idea to hit the road. You don't want someone in your life that makes you feel the way she did through all this crap..

 

Your doing good it sounds. Start 2007 without her on your plate and your mind and you WILL get some where.. She's just a vicious circle, and she's getting upset for lack of better words that you don't play her game..

 

Good for you I say.. I suggested it before, but why don't you do yourself a big favor, and lose her number, and remove her from facebook. It's not immature, it's cutting the last strings, and makes it easier to walk again.

 

Congrats.

[Captain34]

Thanks for the kind words Tex.

 

I spent the weekend out of town with the woman I have been seeing for a couple of months now, and I had a great time. I m glad to have gotten to the point where I can date without thoughts of my ex interfering.

 

I do need to vent though. I came back into town yesterday, and it is clear that my ex is back in town after being gone for nearly a month over winter break. I now have a very high possibility of running into her when I go out on the town at night. That wouldnt bother me a great deal, I am just wondering if I handled the situation correctly when she sent me a message on New Year's Eve (which I posted about above).

 

I did not respond to her message. I really didn't think it had enough substance to elicit a response, regardless of the fact that she pulled my mind back onto her to a degree. When we had dinner in early December, we talked all about open communication, working on being friends, etc. I just dont see her holding up her end of the bargain. I'm not looking for her to do anything she doesn't want to, and I certainly do not want to feel patronized thinking that she sent me that message just because she feels I need her reassurance. I don't, and that is honestly the last thing I want. Know what I mean?

 

Now I am thinking that ignoring her message may have been the wrong idea. I spoke about open communication, no more ignoring each other etc, but now I am doing the same. I believe that perhaps some further LC is best???

 

Basically, do I just drop it unless she contacts me again, preferably gives me a call, or do I send a response? I dont want ot bring all this up if I run into her out on the town - so its either I wait to her from her or I contact her about it. I think maybe a response saying why I didnt respond would suffice. I really feel like making clear to her that if she isnt down for more of an effort to be friendly that doesnt seem so fake, then thats fine. I just dont want to continue to be involved in a scenario where I am putting forth effort and continually feeling like she isnt matching my effort.

 

Would like some feedback if you could leave a few lines....

[Captain34]

Or, maybe I should just let it go. If she sincerely wants things to be cool between us maybe I should assume she will make another effort to contact me...

[melrich]

I hate to say it Captain but I thought you were reading way too much into the communications you were having with your ex and I said as much to you at the time. From the outside looking in it was pretty clear to me that this girl did not want you in her life. She just didn't have the guts to be strong about it (Most people don't. They still care deeply for their exes and don't want to hurt them so they think they are doing the right thing by being gentle.) though her behaviour should have given you the answer you were looking for.

 

Always go by a person's behaviour, not what they say. If she is not calling you or trying to see you then that is a far stonger indicator of where she is at than words to the effect that "she wouldn't rule out something in the future".

 

Now I think the path is clear for you. Forget about her, she no longer deserves your focus or thoughts and just concentrate on the nerxty exciting phase of your life.

[Captain34]

I agree with what you are saying melrich. It has taken some time to get to this point, but I hear you.

 

My question is, should I respond to her message saying the things that you said above?

 

I just feel like an *ss ignoring her message when I sat down with her and was really clear that whatever happened, ignoring each other is not the way to go. Keep in mind that she contacted me on new years eve on her own without any solicitation from me.

 

I understand where you are coming from melrich, and I agree with you, but perhaps it is better to come out and say exactly whats on my mind for closure rather than to ignore her. I find that to be childish, even if I find her message to be immature.

[Captain34]

The new woman is great. She lives an hour and a half away, which is tough at times, but in the long run I think the distance has allowed me to gradually move things forward with her.

 

I took some picture with her this weekend and wanted to post them online. BUT, I feel like doing so combined with the fact that I ignored my ex's message makes it look like I am just trying to get at her and make her jealous. I know my ex will see the pictures if I post them.

 

Maybe I am making a bigger deal out of this than I should, maybe not.

 

Also, a response is a response, regardless of the timing. Better late than never? The thing is I will MOST DEFINITELY run into my ex in the months ahead. I feel like its probably best to respond and get what melrich is saying out on the table so its over and done with. That way if I run into her its a cordial hello and thats it - we wont have anything else to talk about.

[melrich]

No I wouldn't respond. As much as I think you know this relationship is over for good, I think you are quite weak when she makes contact or in any way does something that you can interpret as positive.

 

Best thing is to try and put her in the past and close off any opportunity for more hurt for you.

[Captain34]

I know what you mean.

 

I guess I have the desire to be mature about all this and close things off with contact rather than to just ignore her.

 

Thing is, even if I do not respond I will absolutely run into her again. As much as the relationship is over, the situation is not. I would rather get things closed now than have to run into her and end up dealing with this down the road.

[Captain34]

I see what you are saying.

 

Thank you all for the input, I seemed to have hit a mental roadblock there.

 

I guess I am going to continue moving forward and not contact her. If she reaches out again I will respond. If not, I will keep moving forward. If I run into her I'll give her a nice hello and leave it at that.

 

A friendship requires not only effort from both parties, but a sincere desire. I am not seeing those things from her up to this point, so right now a friendship is not an option.

 

Thanks again!

[FCTex]

Do you want a friendship though?

 

Forget ignoring her message.. Anyone can "miss" a message from someone. It's not the end of the world.

 

You want "closure" of the situation. But why? You know it's going to be a vicious circle as long as you two are in the same area as each other and visit the same watering holes on the weekends.

 

I think you need to throw out what you said at the last meeting you had with her personally. She's not made any amends like you wanted, who says you have to be "fair" and do what you said?

 

You two have nothing to share. You won't work it out, she won't contact you, and doesn't seem to behave like she has any desire to work it out. You don't really have a friendship, but more of an unspoken agreement to not fight and quarrel when you see each other, and instead to just smile..

 

Leave well enough alone. The ant pile doesn't need to be kicked.

[Captain34]

Thanks for the input everyone.

 

I sent her a very brief reply hoping she had a nice holiday as well. One sentence, short and sweet. I was polite and that was it.

 

For now I am done letting this take up any of my mental or emotional capacity. If she makes further genuine efforts to reach out I'll consider them at that point. Until then, my focus is elsewhere.

 

I have come a long waya thanks to you all!

[FCTex]

To each his own... I think your timing made it very clear she still had you hung up on it.

 

Take it in stride, you sound to be in a better place.

[Captain34]

thanks for the words Tex.

 

yea you are right, the timing wasnt great. if i wasnt going to respond right away i should have just let it go. lesson learned.

 

was on facebook tonight and saw on my homepage that my ex had an updated profile. i checked it. bad idea? i guess so. i had been doing so much better with that recently. saw a picture that i hadnt seen with her and a guy ive heard she has been seeing. it stung a bit. the picture may have been set so that i couldnt see it before, im not sure. makes me think about how i have tried to keep my pursuits under wrap - even recently. it doesnt matter....bottom line, i have to come to terms with the fact that although ive healed substancially, i still have a bit to go.

 

but its good to know that it isnt killing me like it did before. still hurts...but maybe it was for the best i saw it. receiving her message on new years, although in no way compelled me to act as to make anything happen, it definitely made me wonder if she was having second thoughts. not a good thing.

 

tonight was the first time in a while that things got to me in a way that hurt. i guess it had been easy as of late because she was so far away during break. but shes back now and its almost like my brief reprieve has ended. i can recognize though that things would have been easier on me had i sucked it up a long time ago and went strict NC, convincing myself that this was over for good - regardless of what she thought. but i havent done that - ive wanted to reconcile, and then to be friends. and i still do, but i cant shake the feeling that maybe she is making minimal efforts because she thinks i need that from her. i dont need anything - BUT since i care, i do feel the obligation to try if it is genuine from both sides. you dig me?? i dont want to be patronized - id like to genuinely be friends if its two sided, otherwise NC is the way to go. i wonder if i should come out and contact her about that. my gut tells me it may just be a waste. maybe it would be best if i just contacted her and said its full NC from here on out....maybe i should wait to do that until i her from her again. but if i do the latter, im sure i would just be waiting for contact.

 

i need to move on from this, to stop considering where she fits into things. that has been my problem. even though i am really digging the new gal ive been seeing, ive held back from posting my own pictures, trying to be considerate of my ex. but that isnt the way to go.

 

right now im thinking of posting all the pictures i havent put up like i normally do - simply because i didnt want to "hurt" my ex. what i didnt realize is that by doing so i was holding myself back. besides, maybe she needs to see that i have moved on. plus, i feel like i should contact her and ask for strict NC. that would give me a chance to explain why i am not interested in how things currently are. it would give me a chance to exit on my own terms.

 

any advice you could give would be great...

[FCTex]

Captain,

 

Wow. Go re-read what you just said. You finally stepping OUTSIDE the box, and looking at it from a different perspective. However, most of your view is hindsight, so you learn and learn again I guess.

 

You hurt because your still have an inkling of hope. Can I ask why you still want to be friends with her? Make a list of the reasons, voiding out anything that delt with your relationship in the past, of why you want to be friends with her.

 

I can't for the life of me, see a reason why I'd want to be more than a casual aquantance to my ex's I see around. I can talk to them, smile at them, and otherwise give them the common courtesy of showing I know they are alive. Other than that, I owe nothing, just like I owe the stranger on the streets, I owe respect, but certainly not the time of day.

 

You want to be friend, "if it's mutual". How mutual do you want? She's not talking to you, and you don't really have much of a reason. It's basically down to a root word. Where in your mind and your heart, and to the masses that know your drama, people can say; "Billy and Suzy are friends, and okay after the mess."

 

Billy and Suzy aren't okay, but Billy and Suzy aren't not okay.

 

Catch me? You need to let it rest. Let it drift off in the tide. Let it die on it's own. You don't need to contact her. You don't need to confirm any plans to ignore her. You don't need to tell her anything about anyone, or what your plans might be.

 

Go NC to the fullest and live your life with your new things and new year the way you suppose to. You don't need to proudly proclaim you going to drop off her radar. Her radar isn't even on, let alone looking for signs for you. Go away for YOU. Not for her. She's not doing anything for you, why share the sentiment?

 

You right you need to move on, she doesn't fit into anything here.. Your holding back, which is more than fine. You don't need to toss all your cookies into the milk so quick.. But if your hiding your new interest soley because your blocking her from your ex in hopes of not squashing anything in the future then..... I'd say re-evalutate some things.. Because you don't need to hide anything. Post your pictures, live your life, take her out with you. Your ex can't do much more than ignore it, or say something. In which case, for the latter, she has no room to talk.

 

 

Do you feel like you haven't "ended" everything? It seems like you consistently go back to wanting to really have the final ending and the glorious walk out. It doesn't always end like that, and to be quite frank, I think you'd save alot of heartache and headaches and the possible embarrassment if you left it alone.

 

 

Bottomline tonight:

 

You don't owe her anything. You don't owe her an explanation, you don't owe her the expression of you feelings. You don't owe her the drama of seeing any pictures of you on facebook, or anywhere else. Do what you want, how you want and how you should.. Continue walking away from the fire, and don't even THINK for once that you need to contact her and "exit" on any terms. The curtain has fell, the music has stopped. Go to the front stage and bow out.

[Captain34]

thanks Tex, youve been an incredible help throughout all of this.

 

I am on the same page with you - I just hit a rough spot the other night.

 

things are going well. i was promoted this week and my new lady friend is coming into town this weekend...something to look forward to.

[Captain34]

Hey All,

 

I hope everyone is well! I come back again hoping for some advice from anyone willing to give me their opinion, especially the regulars in my old threads.

 

So in early February I left on a 3 week business trip - I can't tell you how great it was to get away. While I was gone I stayed with my new love interest for a few nights, and spoke with her often when I was on the road. She is a sweet woman and I enjoy her company - although the LDR is tough and sometimes I wish she had some more pizzazz...I don't feel challenged I guess. But all in all, things are going very well with her. I sent her flowers and chocolates to her workplace on Valentine's Day, and apparently she was beaming all day.

 

So as I said, it was good to be out of town - I have lived in the same city for almost 6 years. I needed time away from my old college buddies, and especially away from any chance of running into my ex. Even when I have been in town, I have avoided the bars she frequents. Honestly, there are enough places to go that I don't need to consciously choose to go to bars where she might be at.

 

Why? Well, it seems she is dating someone new(a few months?), which I had been preparing for, because I held her so high I was expecting some guys who I felt worthy competition entering the picture. But it turns out her new guy, IMO, is nothing of the sort. I have known him for years but I never thought favorably of him. Now I know one would expect jealousy would be behind this opinion of mine, but I really don't think it is. I just really think she made a foolish choice. Regardless, it is her decision, and I have no real desire to see her with him. It wouldn't be heartbreaking, just uncomfortable.

 

So I was gone for three weeks, including being away from mutual friends that my ex have. I just got away. My ex's birthday is this weekend, and I debated how I would approach that. I came to the decision Thursday or so that I would just let the day pass...last year on her bday I took her out to a phenomenal French dinner and bought her piano lessons - which she never even used! PLus, she called me on my bday right after our split, told me she had something for me, but I never even got a card. However, I will give it to her that the year before she made me a surprise lobster dinner....she is terribly inconsistent.

 

So I decided not to contact her on her birthday, because I didn't see the point. I feel like I've been being the good guy for months and never received comparable treatment, so I felt I had finally let it go for good, and maybe I would write her a brief note when she Graduates in May congratulating her.

 

But No.

 

I received an email at my work account (from which I have never emailed her) yesterday afternoon. I was.....shocked. The timing, two days before her birthday, makes me feel like this is no coincidence. Here is the email:

 

"Hey!

 

So, I'm back on the news train at (her radio station)! I'm working on a story on the state's proposed changes to the foster care system which would take benefits from children once they turn 18. I was wondering if you'd be willing/available to comment on these changes. We can keep the interview confidential and use a pseudonym (those are always fun!) if you prefer.

 

I hope everything is going well with you. We should catch up!

 

-XXXX"

 

I spent my adolescent growing up in foster care and in group homes, and she knows how much I want to do anything I can to raise awareness of how terrible the system is. So I am compelled to do this interview....but I am torn because it would be with her. Why did she choose to do this story, why approach me for an interview? I feel like she has alterior motives, and I would like your thoughts on this.

 

Other than an email from her right before midnight on New Year's and my brief email response, I haven't talked to her or seen her in almost 4 months.

 

I will leave it at that for now and leave the rest for responses to your posts...

[Captain34]

anybody? the ex's birthday is today and I am not sure if it is right to make contact...

[GoSox07]

Captain,

 

It sounds like you have come a long way in your recovery. I guess you need to ask yourself some honest questions regarding your feelings for your ex:

 

1. Do you still harbor romantic feelings toward her?

2. Is there a part of you that wants her interview motive to be about getting back with you?

3. If the answer to #2 is yes, are you prepared to face the reality that she may want to do this interview out of genuine concern for you (and your friendship) but nothing else?

 

It sounds like both of you are smart people who still have a great deal of "respect" for each other. Since there were no breakup horror stories and you guys are on pretty good terms, I would go ahead and contact her for her birthday. Just a quick text or email that says "Happy Birthday!" or something to that effect, just to let her know that you're a nice guy and remember special occasions like that. Just make sure that you're OK with entering the dreaded "friend zone". Good luck my friend.

[Captain34]

thanks for the input.

 

first, i dont view any of her actions as moving to reconcile, as she is seeing someone.

 

the question here is - does she even deserve a response from me?

 

i feel like i have been cornered into wishing her a happy birthday, as she contacted me days before it after no contact for months. plus, she contacts me via email, again no phone call. her email seems shallow - she has never taken the stance to say: "you know what, things could have passed easier between us, and i realize that was partly my fault. I'm sorry." Never. Moreover, she never even used the birthday gift (piano lessons) that I got for her last year - didnt even go to 1 to see if she liked it, and I thought that was very disrespectful *she had mentioned she wanted to learn to play...). Then on my birthday she calls, says she has something for me and will stop by - but doesnt show up and I never received a thing.

 

I wonder, if they are not to reconcile, what her motivations for contacting me are. The longer time goes on, I feel she is clearly only concerned about herself. She contacts me just before her birthday, so if I dont wish her a nice day, I look like an *sshole. She contacts me on business, not to truly reach out, and her email is shallow. Plus, the business she contacts me about is a very personal thing for me, something she knows I care a great deal about. And her email evades the obvious that she and I are not on good terms right now - the negativity has been passive aggressive and under the radar.

 

So, do I respond at all? If I do, do I respond today, on her birthday? Do I even mention her birthday? If I do, should I tell her I got her a gift - piano lessons(from last year)?? Should I agree to the interview? Should I ask to do it with someone else? Should I use this as an opportunity to tell her straight out that she has treated me with little respect, so she should expect nothing more?

 

I am angry, I admit that. I do not want to come off as an *sshole, and I also do not want her to believe that I need her anymore, because I do not. Whenever I go an extended period NC, and it is probable to my ex that I have moved on with a new woman, she always brings herself back into the picture. Not to make amends for her wrongs and certainly not to be open about how tings stand. Its only seems so she can get attention and the satisfaction that i still care enough to drop all the BS she pulled and be the nice guy.

 

Honestly, what do I have to gain from anyh sort of friendship with this girl if she cant be real with me?