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Alright folks, its been almost 5 months since the breakup and things are still tough on me. You can find past details in the thread "feedback urgently needed" which is in the healing forum. I've decided that its time to get all this resolved.


First of all, thanks so much to everyone who has provided me feedback. It has helped immensely. Sometimes there have been posts that have just plain pissed me off, I'll admit that. Regardless, every response has been helpful and I hope they keep coming.


Brief history:

-dated since january 2005 with one break of about 3 months

-got back together in March 2006, but unfortunately never really addressed the past - we just both wanted back

-she ended things beginning of July. there were some problems and it wasnt clear where I would be living as I graduated in May. Plus, we are both young and the desire to explore played a role.

-I tried hard to get her back through July, but not to a ridiculous extent. It didnt help that during this time I had a rebound fling, and that my ex saw me with said girl at a party. she was hurt.

-Mid August I decided for strict NC because she blew me off. I didn't announce it. it helped a lot to get over the hurting.

-almost 8 weeks NC went by. during this time her lady friends were being very friendly, asking me 20 ?'s ALL THE TIME. then she started going to places I frequent.

-eventually she pursued me at the bar. it was obvious. we chatted for a while but i got up and left. i was so shocked to see this, so deep in NC mode, that I was too passive.

-a week of serious and frequent run ins ensued but I didn't do much of anything (damn!). at the very least it became awkward, and she may have thought i wasnt interested.

-i called and left a message to call me if she wanted to chill, otherwise i wish her the best.

but we keep running into each other. body language and her friends actions make clear that I am still on her mind. she will make herself available but its always up to me to approach now.

-ive been dating other women, been intimate with a few, but nothing serious. we have many mutual friends and live in the same college town so of course her friends saw me on dates with these other women.

-i saw her a couple weeks ago at the bar but i didnt approach. i was there to meet a date and just didnt know what would be best. i called and left a message the next day saying that i felt kinda bad, id like it if we could say hello when we run into each other. i didnt get a response but one wasnt necessary - i said what i wanted to.

-i sent her a text on Thanksgiving wishing her a happy holiday and she replied an hour or so later.



so the past relationship is over, im cool with that. does that mean its never possible again ? I dont think so, but I dont see it happeneing right now. I'm not trying to push for that - if it comes about it will come about.


So the problem? Its clear I am still on her mind. I know she isn't involved in a relationship so that makes it hard to accept its over. But even more so, its that I am always questioning how its best to handle things. I want to remain friends with her, and I can handle how that may be tough should she date someone else seriously. but id like for us to be on better terms.


I care and try and be a nice guy, like texting her on the holiday, wanting to say hello to her when I see her, and hell, even thinking of inviting her to a cocktail party im throwing. but i constantly hold back because i am afraid of going too far and f*cking things up. this makes me just plain not be myself. im not casual and laid back like i normally am because im worrying too much about what is ok and what isnt.


so why worry about whats cool? first of all, she isnt consistent. that makes things tough. but its not like i have made a point to communicate that I need that from her. i am not a mind reader so i cant possibly know whats going on in her head if she doesnt tell me. she shouldnt act like things are cool with me if we havent talked about it all and she goes back and forth between seeming cool and not. i can respect however she might feel, but i dont think im out of line in this situation by wanting her to communicate them to me. plus, if she cares, and i am so sure that she does, she should respect mine too. but i havent communicated this!


even though we have chatted at times, its been 5 months since the breakup and we haven't once talked maturely about it in all those 5 months. that makes things difficult when we have mutual friends and run into each other. but i dont want to talk about the breakup, i want to talk about whats the best thing for right now.


i really need to stress here that despite my feelings, i have really, really held back from just being honest and open, thinking doing so would be a terrible thing. but ive gotta get with the program.


do you think its too much to call and ask to grab some coffe and talk for a minute? for one, ive been in more contact lately than usual, so i'm not trying to blow up her spot and seem like im desperate to get her back. id like to reconcile, but its not right to even consider that now. secondly, does calling and asking about this make things worse in some way? granted, id rather bring this all up in person when i run into her....but thats always at a bar and friends are always around. i really dont think thats the time or place for this.


so im thinking of giving her a call. if she answers ill talk to her and try and communicate some of this, that id like to meet in person. if she doesnt, im thinking i should leave a message asking her to call me back, telling her it is important and that no response from her just makes things worse.


i really, really have theurge to do this TONIGHT. but if ive learned anything, its that I should be patient and wait for some advice. ANY feedback is appreciated1

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It all depends on the type of person you are dealing with. She is a person who seems to want solid concrete answers rather than the poking around. What I'd do is call her up and say "hey you have time to talk?" if yes then you need to set borders/boundaries in a sense.


For instance, with my ex I told her when we broke up that if I saw her walk down the hall that I'd say "Hi". I told her that I didn't want to say anything more because its just easier that way. Simple and appropriate while still being adults and confirming her presense. We set a number of these ranging from when we saw each other with someone else etc. Of course this was fresh out of the relationship so I think in your situation the perameters are going to much more simple.




Just say hey if I see you at the bar, lets just acknowledge each other, but no words should be said. Just wave and smile and thats it. Also let her know that if you leave its because its for comfort reasons. Don't keep her guessing... guessing will only lead her to more of the bars you are hanging out at.


By making these parameters it will detract her from wanting to see you each day I think. And thus making you and your future engagements easier to deal with.



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thanks cherries.


do you think i should call and perhaps have to face the voicemail again, or should i email her? i think i should call...and tell her that if she wants things between us to be cool, she really needs to talk to me because its important. good idea?


if i meet with her im really not going to go in with any expectations of what "level" the friendship should be on. i just want to get a handle on how things are now, because this damn wondering is driving me craaaaaaaaazy.


also, what is ok to talk about and what isnt?

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i would say call, because emails can be disasterous. too much room for misinterpretation. and you will only be hanging around waiting for a reply that may never come. so you may start on the slippery slope of sending more and more.


as for what is OK to talk about - i'm not sure anyone can really tell you, because only you know what you really want to resolve.

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foranother, thanks for your reply. first of all, she hasnt been following me around bars for a while. that seemed to stop when i didnt give her what she wanted.


also, i would like to reconcile, so im not trying to keep down the contact. the contact is really fine with me, its the wondering what is ok with her that drives me nuts. i genuinely try to be a good guy, and because of that i dont find a problem showing her that i still care about her as a person. but because i want to repsect any wishes of space she has, i most often hold back. thing is she hasnt asked for any more space or given me negative reactions. rather, the worst she has done is at times ignore my attempts, which i admit have really seemed halfhearted because ive been holding back.


i mean, if you are invading someone's space they would let you know, or at least not give positive responses at times. thus, i see the few times she has ignored my calls as her either trying to play hard to get, being somewhat pissed or hurt at the time, or just because she didnt think i was doing enough

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The thing is captain, it seems like she needs to figure out how to handle these situations better first. She doesn't really seem to know how to act properly. This can come from experience... and you seem to show a lot of kindness... but sometimes the kindest thing to do is to let her go on her own a bit... then reconcile when she is more comfortable in her own shoes.



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alright, so im actually gonna sit on this for a day or two. now i know ive been stalling on this, but ive actually got a plan now - just want to get some more input and think it over.


things to consider:


-winter break starts soon, so at most my ex will be in town for about 3.5 weeks

-i could run into her before then, especially at a party a friend of mine is throwing


now what do you all think about the upcoming break? her home is 2000 miles away, plus she may be traveling. is it best to not contact her at all over break? what about on Christmas? is it better to do nothing now and just wait for when she gets back?


see i think its best to nip this in the bud, for me, sooner than later.


maybe ill call her tomorrow or the next day late in the evening and see if i can make plans to get together with some time in the next week.


this whole winter break thing is something i feel i should consider. can i get some feedback?

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just my opinion, but i think you are going to drive yourself totally crazy if you keep questioning every minute detail like this. either call her when you feel you are ready, or don't call her at all. if she genuinely wants to see you, she will make plans for whenever she is around.

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cherries, you're right.


part of me thinks that maybe it would be best to ride out the next few weeks and then give all of break NC, then talk to her when she gets back. but why wait? ive gotta do this for my own good.


ok, i will definitely give a call sometime this week. just need to think about it a bit more, and one thing ive learned is to wait until im in an excellent mood to do so.

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You know what I'm going to say..


The same ol' song and dance my friend...



Call now. Time is valueable. If you won't put the gun away, atleast go hunting, so to speak...


Call her. If she doesn't answer. Hang up. Wait an hour or two. Call again, no answer. hang up.


Wait a day. Call again. If she STILL doesn't answer, and you STILL don't get the hint... Then leave a stern, but open ended message to call you back ASAP, that you need to talk. Don't give details, don't leave any emotion. Nothing. business like. Short, and sweet.


If you don't get a call back from her within a day.. Captain, I'm sorry, but I think you need to realize the journey ends there.


2 calls, in less than 3 hours, is alot. No answers are big hints. If she misses 3 calls, in less than 24 hours from you, then take the hint that she doesn't want to talk.


To even MORE concrete the idea. If she ignores 3 calls, 1 voicemail that was meant to have a sense of urgency and business to it, in a matter of 24 hours, then man...




It's obviously no use to you anymore.


Once you start there, you know which door leads to the lobby.


Catch my drift?


Move it.

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called last night, no answer, no voicemail. haven't heard back, but it was late and ive been working all day. was planning on calling tonight and leaving a message.


BUT, a friend of mine, mutual friend of my ex, called and invited me to go to the radio station where my ex works. they are having an event downtown, then are bringing a bunch of free alcohol back to the station.


honestly, id like to go, and thathas nothing to do with her.


but, based on the circumstances, what do you all think is best???

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Your going to do what you want.


If you called, and she didn't answer. And she didn't call you back..


Then go where the hell you want. She has no control over this situation, and regardless of what she wants and doesnt want you to do, the fact she can't even voice that to you, null and voids her opinion.


Go to the party if you want... If you see her, try you best to just ignore her... Stop being the boy that gets made fun of, and ignored by the cute girl in class, and still trying to offer her your snack cookies...


She doesn't want you cookies, and you shouldn't offer them to someone who won't even respond to you. How much more plain can she make it for you man?


Call her again, before the event at the station.... If she doesnt answer, go to the event. If you see her, blow her off. Not that it's going to be hard, she already ignores you. The hard part is already done.

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i didnt go to the station because i knew she was only reason why i would have. if she wasnt in the equation i may very well have been interested in going, but i wasnt going to plan my night around it. know what i mean?


i called earlier tonight (i didnt think i needed to call twice in an hour or even a day) and left a voicemail.


"its captain, can you give me a call when you have a chance? its important."


she called back and i spoke with her for a minute or two, asked her if she could meet me for coffee. she said she was at a coffee shop right then, but i asked for saturday. i suggested 1, then we agreed of 5pm.


so that was that. ill see what goes down then. feel like i have to think this out for a minute.


anything i should have looked for in the call?

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How did she sound?


Fake? Kinda caught off guard?


Did she suggest anything as far as where to go, what to do?


Mainly what you had to do is be judgemental in the way you thought she sounded.



Did you relay any information to her, on the reason for the meeting? Or did you leave her curious?


I ask, because there you could have felt around in the dark and figured where she was headed in terms of that direction.


Another thing to think about.


What the goal of this conversation? Now, I know you decent enough, and I don't want you to say.. 'It's just to see her and warm it all up.'


Look, she's not a diesel engine in the winter time. She doesn't need a warm up before you start. You need to continue with your goal at hand. Upon meeting her, avoid any emotional contact.. Also avoid any, "I miss you, or I love you." Nothing emotional... yet.


Keep your conversation light, get your drinks, and get a seat..


The comes the dirt. Pile it on, fast, and hard. Know your point, and know your questions..


Don't give her alot of time to think it over, and watch her body language and her answers. Don't interpret them to the way you think she's feeling.


Get your answers. You have her face to face, alone in a non biased setting. No friends around, nothing. If she brings friends, leave. Tell her something came up, an emergency.. It obviously means she doesn't give a * * * * about your meeting.


But like I said, get your food out on the table. Get said, what you want to have said, and don't let her derail your focus, with pauses and her asking stuff..


When it's all said and done, let her speak. Listen, and WATCH. I also urge you to take it lightly.. Don't let anything you hear, affect you in front of her.. I mean it too.. Don't try to alter her arguments, don't try and persuade her of anything.


This is a business meeting. And agreement to make something work, or start something.. This is not a sales meeting. You are NOT selling yourself, and you definitely don't need to price drop yourself to get on a level you feel comfortable for her to like..



Go with it, and keep the meeting short.. Don't talk about old times, or friends... Don't small talk it up for hours. If she's into that, do it later. Now is business, and it's for you to find out where you stand. Do you walk, or do you work it out..


If she re-schedules, or stands you up in any case.. Just forget it.. You made it obvious it was important, and she's not a stupid girl. She knows what you want to talk about more than likely. Don't go in trying to mask your words and your intentions. Lay it out, and be you.


When you leave. If it's fitting, hug her. If not, just say bye... No emotions..

Just keep in mind, if you get mushy, and break it down, and get soft, she's going to run with it, and eat you alive. You'll hate yourself in the morning.

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Tex! Where you been buddy?!


I already met with her. She didnt blow me off or change plans. In fact, she wanted to get dinner instead of coffee. She hugged me on the way in and out.


I called her on being inconsistent, she apologized. Told her how I felt, but that I didnt think we could get back together right now, that if that was to happen it would take time.


I told her she didnt owe me anything but civility and honesty, and asked for it. She didnt close the door. She said she did not want to draw a line. I told her fine, but from here on out its honest and two sided conversation. We agreed.


I asked if she would come to a cocktail party I'm throwing at my house. She agreed. She even brought up a party a friend of mine is throwing that we were both invited too. Plus, she told me she would be back in town early from break. I will be here then, which she knows. No one is really here around that time, so I guess she's suggesting we hang out.


Fast forward....later that night, by coincidence a female friend of mine runs into her. they hang out all night. At first my friend asked her where I was, which my ex seemed defensive about. Then my friend explains she has a thing for my roommate....whihc caused my ex to open up. Then my ex tells my friend that my roommate isnt hooking up with anyone that she knows of and that she will help set my friend up with her. But wait, my ex would have no idea what my roommate is up to unless shes snooping, and theres no way she would be in any position to set my friend up with him. That all sounds fishy to me. To top it off, she asked for my friends number and wants to start hanging out with her now.



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alright, more thinking,seem to have settled somewhere.


i knew this mightbe tough, but i did it anyways, so ill accept the consequences of my actions. i have to understand that jealousy, false or real, has gotten be thrown out. i think i can do that best by not looking on facebook.


i gotta cool my guns here. while meeting her was a positive sign, i can make anything of it. besides, if this is ever going to work out, shes gotta move towards me. now i committed to working on things with her and im going to follow through with that. so ill invite her to my cocktail, maybe ill see her at a party before break starts. maybe ill even run into her randomly.


ive got 3 weeks before she leaves, and once she does that it will make things MUCH easier. during that time ill go NC and see where it takes me. i plan on contacting her sending her family a christmas card, we'll see. BUT, i dont even want to get that far ahead of myself. first, we'll see how things go. second, i dont think i should even factor this all in that far in the future.


thanks for the input everyone. i was a bit shaky there after meeting her but things have settled.

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I got totally lost with your my friend, your ex, your roommate story.. so I can't really explain anything about that.


As far as the meeting...


What did you take back from it? If you had to give a report on where you figure her to be in this, what would you say?


It doesn't sound like from what you said, that she was anything more than open to being just civil if you see her in public..


Now, that might be well and good. Civility, and having an open door to make conversation with someone and be in the close company of each other is great..


However, where does it go for you from there? You need to be looking forward with the situation, not down at whats taking place.


Your thrilled you got to meet her and have her opened somewhat, but like you said, and whats been said months ago..




Meeting you for drinks, is nice. Inviting to a party, cool...


However, is she making any more ammends to the siutation other than that? Has she spilled anything emotional to you?


You goal is to get her back, right? Or is it to be a mat?


You really should have gotten more from her.. Your following the very, very same path I did.. Your getting in even closer now, and your being blinded by the light you imagine at the end of the tunnel..


Another point:


You want to see her, talk to her, be with her, and make plans with her- yet you say that you'll go NC with her while she's gone.. Whats the deal with that?


Why play her games? Man up and follow through with it. If your going to put your nuts on the choppin' block, get both of them up there, not just one.



I think she hook- lined- and your about to sink...


You didn't get the answers needed to make reconciliation from my point of view here.


I think what you said about

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But seriously folks, I think I've found the answer to my dilemma. I see all these things which I post about looking for reassurance that they mean something. Thing is, I dont need that. I know she is still in love with me. I trust my gut. Now granted, that doesnt mean she wants to jump back into a relationship with me, but I know she still loves me.


And what have I done about it? Nada.


I am glad I took action to talk to her. But honestly, I wussed out. I took teh safe path hoping it could facilitate something in time. Worst idea ever.


I talk about being honest and hoping she would be - but the truth is I never say exactly what I want to. I dont act angry when sheh pisses me off. I go out of my way to be kind, but by doing so I dont act like myself. I am angry at myself for this.


So what do I want to do? I want to talk to her again and be real. I want to tell her what has pissed me off and that I think some of what she has done is Bullsh*t. Then I want to tell her that I am madly in love with her, that I want her like crazy, that I just want to have her be near and to go have a blast together.


And then I want to tell her that I am pissed that she tries so hard to act like she is not still in love with me. She is. I get much advice telling me that I should move on and that she doesnt care, bu yet she continues to keep the door open and display that I am still number one in my mind.


I need to do this. There are three possibilities. One, she admits it and we proceed to make passionate love (happeed before). Two, I am wrong, she tells me this, and then and only then can I put all this behind me! Three, she plays it off, at which point I wont get angry or sullen or bitter - I will just take it like a man and walk away. I would go into NC, but eventually she would break down and I would see her for real.


People tell me to stop putting her on a pedastal. I disagree with that. I love her because shes wonderful and just challenges me like no other women on the face of the Earth. But, I gotta stop keeping myself so low. I have to stop giving her the reassurance that no matter what she does I will let it slide and continue feeding her ego and confidence.



Damn, I think I am now where Tex and RedQueen have been advising me to get to. unless I get serious advice to do otherwise, and "play it cool" to see where things go, I'm doing it.


Thing is I wonder when and how. Has to be face to face, no doubt. The fact that break starts in three weeks makes this perfect. However, I did invite her to my cocktail party. Now, should I wait until afterwards or what?


I say do it by this weekend, get it over with.


You may call me crazy, but I love the odds.

Thats the confidence Ive lost with this woman. I think I've got it back.


Lets hear what ya'll think

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I think your still indenial about what you "think" she feels about you..


Someone who really loves someone, with minimal coaxing, will confess it.


She doesn't. Hell, it took a serious call for her to atleast meet you..


You haven't done much other than meet her and talk, and like you finally confessed, you've been playing the "nice" guy to her and hiding what you feel..


If your upset over the situation, tell her. Don't hide it. And you don't have three options, you have two.


One, she and you work something out, be it whatever you feel can be accomplished(friends or relationship).


Two, Nothing. Things stay the same, and you finally wake up and smell the friggin' coffee and move away from this situation and do like she did and put this in the past.


It's the holidays, your right... So don't ruin them and contact her.


If you made plans with her, keep them, but atleast this time around, get said what you have on your chest. If it doesn't work, then really, what cards do you have left up your sleeve to play?

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