be myself? but i'm a work in progress! (long!)

[silky88]

you always hear from everyone that it's important to be yourself, but i am undergoing a period of rapid change (and have been since i was about 21). i feel like a work in progress, like who i am is a pretty decent person, but that there are things about myself that i'd like to change.

 

there are qualities in others that i admire and would like to possess, and behaviors and things about me that i would like to rid myself of. and there are some things that others do that royally annoy me that i catch MYSELF doing sometimes -- and then i am pissed at myself. so i believe that conscious self-motivated change is good. but at the same time, does that mean that i am not trying to "be myself" but to be who i'd LIKE to be? and is that then a bad thing?

 

for some examples:

 

i've always been the independent one in my family, but not always in relationships. in the past, i've sort of been clingy with boyfriends. this is something that i am more or less able to not do with my current bf, 'cause our relationship is great, but occasionally i see myself reverting to old patterns (especially when uder massive school stress). and then i feel like i have to nip it in the bud, because that is not the kind of person that i'd like to be, and i know i learned those bad habits watching my mother as a child. she was always co-dependent to men with addictions. but even though i know it's not who i want to be, sometimes it's hard to force myself to be strong, since i am so used to being it and seeing it all my life. i know i am capable of and sometimes successful with independence, but there are times when it feels forced and unnatural.

 

or sometimes i say really dumb things. i envy the self-control of others who know when to shut their mouths or what not to say, or who can refrain from complaining about things. and i make an effort to *think* before i speak. but when i am not vigilant about it, i forget, and then i feel really dumb. for some reason self-censorship is something i have difficulty with, but i do feel that it is a valuable skill to have, so i keep trying.

 

or my weight fluctuates and it bothers me. at 5'4" i fluctuate between 118 and 126 lbs regularly. i know this is in the range that is considered healthy and thin, but i see myself as looking better at the lower side of it, and my clothes fit better and are more comfortable when i am 118. i'm broke, so buying a new wardrobe isn't an option -- after all it's cheaper to eat less than buy bigger clothes. i don't have time or money to join a gym and it's hard to cook healthy non-fattening meals for myself when i am always busy with work and school. but then i am disgusted with myself when i gain the weight, and get envious of the skinnier people that i see.

 

there are more things along this same line -- ways that i wish i was and things that i'd like to change about myself that i feel would make me feel better and be generally a better person. i need to procrastinate less, drink less, pay more attention to things that go on around me (i can get self-absorbed and sort of "stuck in a bubble" sometimes), quit smoking -- the list could be a lot longer.

 

basically i see myself as a work in progress, and the more that i mature, the more i realize my shortcomings and want to fix them. it's sort of like looking back at the things that i've done and with recent widsom gained, seen the ways in which i have been an idiot, or a jerk, or whatever, and trying to change for the better. but does that mean i'm trying to not "be me"? because i select admirable qualities in others that i'd like for myself, does that mean i'm diluting my core personality? and what is a personality anyway? if it is just acting however comes naturally to you, what if what comes naturally is the shaky result of a fractured childhood? do you remain satisfied with a self that you view as flawed?

 

sometimes trying out new behaviors and traits feels like faking it. but then after a while it sticks. is it then part of me -- or a false creation? for example, my friend pointed out a few years ago that i could be too blunt sometimes, to the point where i was inadvertently being hurtful. i chose to be mindful of it and refrain for speaking sometimes or to say something nice instead. it felt really fake for awhile, but now i'm pretty good at it and though i still slip sometimes, it doesn't feel fake anymore.

 

i guess it's sort of like schooling myself or teaching myself manners. what do you guys think? is this process healthy and self-improving? or is it harmful and self-denying?

[The Law]

Your not going the right way, because no matter how you look you should always love,support,believe in yourself, that way you could look in the mirror and say 'man im satisfied with who i am ' that impossible for you to say , its better to do those things so you are happy with yourself , and then you could think something like the lines of ' i like myself for whom i am, but i will work to improve this and that ' , that's much healthier then having such a resentment against yourself, really what are you doing to yourself? Name 3 things of yourself that you really like about yourself, hard eh?

 

Its important also that you improve yourself for yourself, and not for others, do you want to lose weight because others call you fat? You see you are like a rough diamond who has to be chiseled in the way you want it to become a beautifull diamond to shine for everyone, now what you have to do is to sow that hole in your hand shut, your just wasting money on garbage, only get what you really need. Learn how to save money, and only to invest it in things that you really need.

 

Trust me a bunch of new clothes aren't going to boost your self-esteem, what you need to work on is the lady on the inside, and don't worry you will always be you as long as you don't copy people, and come up with creative design and intelligent thinking in terms of how you want your life to be, you can find inspiration in nature or your environment and apply that on yourself,or something totally new that the world has never seen before , so you can really say this is a part of myself, the only way to define yourself is to 'go out' into the world and let the experiences define who you are. Not some fake stuff, but your personal memories, your experiences, things you have seen, things you have thought about ,think about that, form your own opinion on these things, and move forward to be the woman that you want to be. If you feel that your lying to yourself, your right that person who you are trying to be does not represent your current self, however this isn't a problem because as you said its a 'devellopment' hence that a change takes place,

 

Throw away your sigarettes, only keep yourself busy with things that are meaningfull and define your own position in life. No action = no reaction, so be sure to make continues investments in this as its a long term investment in yourself.