How much effort is too little or too much?

[Bellman23]

There is a girl I have been on a few dates with:

 

After the 3rd date she told me I wasn't trying hard enough or showing enough interest in pursuing her. I explained to her that I thought I was trying hard. I took her out on two great dates that involved a lot of planning and time.

 

I was calling her a few times a week and e-mailing back and forth daily.

Sure I was acting calm and collected. But nothing distant. I wasn't sure if she was interested in me yet so I wasn't puting myself out there.

 

Anyhow, What does this mean when girls say you aren't pursuing them hard enough? I don't want to be one of those guys that is relentless. Someone who has the blinders on and keeps going after a girl that is not interested in them. Been there done that.

 

I know it is better to judge women by the actions (she was all over me the other night) rather than words, so maybe all this talk doesn't mean much? Any ideas.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

Girls do mean what they say... It means she wants to know you care, doesn't mean calling her every night but maybe saying something to let her know you do. Everyone expresses their feelings differently ask her how you can let her know you do like her.

[Bellman23]

But it is so early in the dating game (and yes it is a game at first) do I really want to let her know that I like her a lot? It seems counterproductive. Doesn't that scare women away?

 

I think she wants to feel like she is the real "catch" and I am lucky to be seeing her, but the fact of the matter is, we both are. But maybe I will put my pride aside and show her that I feel lucky.

 

Rozi great photo! Reminds me of someone I know.

[Entomon]

The girl seems like she wants something more on a physical level evidenced by the fact that she was all over you the other night. I think she wants you to make the "moves" on her - i.e., kissing, touching, and even anything sexual.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

I'd say swallow your pride, yeah she might shut you down but from the way it seems it looks like thats what shes looking for. But you know her and every girl is different. From what you've said i doubt it would scare her away more compliment her, but please don't just take my word i don't want to be the cause for any hurt. But that is my opinion.

 

Thanks alot by the way I never thought it was that good a photo...

[Survictor]

Perhaps you didn't reciprocate her being all over you and were not all over her. thereforeeee, in her eyes, not being all over here is tantamount to saying you are not into her perhaps?

[Scout]

You've only had three dates. And she's complaining you're not trying hard enough? That's a bit odd. I'd feel weird telling that to someone I'd only gone out with a few times.

 

But...how much of a time span have these three dates been in? I mean, if it's a really long time, I can see why she might think you're not interested, but if it's not, I think her expectations are a bit unrealistic and a red flag she could be a bit on the demanding side.

[Bellman23]

Thanks guys. I think I will go for it and find some way to show her that I care for her.

 

We have already taken things pretty far in the bed. Now that I reflect on things, I think she wants me to show her that I am not like every guy that wants her physically, but that she wants me to show her that I can be more than that. And I know I can, I just need to find a way to express this.

 

The reason she divulged her feelings early on is because I was ready to call it off. I just wasn't seeing the right signs that she was interested. Not returning my calls for ex. So when I went to tell her it isn't going to work out, she told me it was because I was not pursuing her hard enough. Her aggressiveness at that point changed my mind and I could tell she did like me.

 

Scout, it has been about 1 date a week for the past month. I like to wait 3 or so days after each day to call her. That gives me time to get my work done and plan another fun date. Maybe waiting after each date is too much for her.

[Scout]

Hmm, sounds like you're both a little guilty of not showing enough interest. She doesn't return your calls, you take several days to call her after a date...why don't you both just sit down and mutually acknowledge you like each other and go from there. Quit with the games. They lead to confusion and the wrong assumptions about the other person.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

I'm with scout. Sit down and talk to her. Then you can both be open and talk clearly to each other about expectations and all that stuff. Then you can explain your not like all those other guys, and you can both have your say.

[need2bme]

But it is so early in the dating game (and yes it is a game at first) do I really want to let her know that I like her a lot? It seems counterproductive. Doesn't that scare women away?

 

I totally understand what you are saying. I know everyone is different, but I don't get this at all. The girl I am seeing now, well not really seeing now, cause she put the brakes on; was really coming fast to begin with. REALLY FAST. We messed aroung a little and I stopped the sex. I really want to get to know her slowly before we jump into anything. Right up until Wednesday night, she was texting and calling and that night at her place, she sorta shut down and the next day was criticizing everything or saying I talked about sex too much. She instigated everything guys.

 

What the hell happened? Who knows? Point is, I started getting closer and she got scared. She says she moves too fast all the time and doesn't want to do this again. I am trying not to get the red flags, but this is almost a screeching halt. She is going to go to something she asked me to, alone now. She tells me that something she wanted to go to and told me to grab tickets for, is now too foar in advance to say yes.

 

Can she be this fickle? Has she just set herself up to tell herself I am not worth it now? Did I say something? I guess I just want to know more than anything else. What the hell happened? We went to lunch today, after not talking or seeing each other since Friday, early AM and it was awkward. It just did not seem like she wanted to be there. It blows my flippin' mind.

 

From Wednesday to today, a complete turn around. That is why I think either I, or someone else spooked her. So Bellman, just talk to her. Be open. I don't know what I am doing. Maybe I teased her too much. Maybe I goofed around too much, but I did not know you had to be husband material after a few weeks.

 

Bellman, half the time they want to chase us, then when they catch us, it is no fun. Then they want to know why we are running. It goes back and forth. Look, I know guys and girls do it, but if you want to catch me and I let you, don't back off because you did.

 

Just be careful and yes, you are right, in the beginning, it is a dating "game". unfortunately.

 

You've only had three dates. And she's complaining you're not trying hard enough? That's a bit odd. I'd feel weird telling that to someone I'd only gone out with a few times.

 

But...how much of a time span have these three dates been in? I mean, if it's a really long time, I can see why she might think you're not interested, but if it's not, I think her expectations are a bit unrealistic and a red flag she could be a bit on the demanding side.

 

I could not agree more. I should have seen the red flags. You want to date only me; her choice. You want to talk about serious stuff, like previous relationships and how I feel about kids; again, her choice. You pull me so hard and say you run into things so quickly. I don't let anything physical happen. I then decide that this is worth pursuing and now you totally back off.

 

(Yes, I know I am bouncing between using different pronouns and different tenses, but I am trying to get it all out here.)

 

Now, I am left thinking that I should have paid attention to the flags. She is so cool to be around and I just want to get to know her. It almost feels as if I need to be in a relationship, but do my own thing at the same time (as if I am not in a relationship). I know people need their own space and time, but this is absolutely strange.

 

How does someone back out so quickly?

 

Anyway, just keep your word and don't tell her anything you don't mean or don't actually feel.